THE RAGER! A Review of “Plurality of Worlds” by Jeff Hardy

hardy

Yup. This is happening. Blair issued the challenge and I answered it like a complete idiot and this should forever prove that I am the hero Pulse Wrestling deserves.

Track 1: Envelope
We start off on a acoustic beginning that harks back to every “ballad” a generic rock band from the late 90s would release in their lame attempts to sound like they have emotional depth. However, it doesn’t necessarily sound terrible but I’m instantly distracted by the vocals which consist of a horribly auto-tuned Jeff Hardy who appears to be talk-singing. It sounds like a late 90s rock band that Kanye would be proud of. Lyrically, he says “better after all” a LOT to really hammer home that he himself wasn’t hammered at the time of this production.

Track 2: Anxious
More talk-singing but this time with layering vocals that sounds slightly muffled. Once he gets to the lyric “I’m crazy enough to be sane” I can hear the faint sound of a writer somewhere losing their wings (aka their pirated copy of Final Draft). We get it, Jeff, you’re a troubled soul, you can turn it down a few notches.

Track 3: Reveal
Ugh, just no. The single guitar track sounds like it was recorded with a tin can and string and the vocals sound like Jeff is singing with his face inches away from being submerged in a bowl full of water or vodka or whatever this guy inhales that makes him believe these songs are good.

Track 4: Every Other Day
Now I see why this track was the first single released to the public because this almost feels like a breath of fresh air compared to the first 3 tracks that came before it. More talk-singing but the instrumentation is actually pretty decent. Not really my cup of tea but I can see how certain people would gravitate towards this song.

Track 5: Apparent
Another track to backup his sobriety and I can understand why he would want to assure everyone that he’s now on the straight and narrow considering how public his addictions were but there comes a certain point where it either becomes overkill or overcompensation. I’m not going to speculate his soberness so I’m going with overkill. However, seeing as how the subject matter was really of no significance when it wasn’t about his sobriety, he may not have much subject matter to work with.

Track 6: Indigo
I’m just making the assumption that all of these songs were written by Jeff when he was an emo teenager that the world just doesn’t understand. These lyrics are unbearable. What have you done, Blair? Why was I so quick to accept this challenge. This will undoubtedly unleash some sort of ancient beast from the nether of creation to slay us all. The lyrical content of this song is so bad that it’s almost not funny to make fun of it anymore. Let’s say, for instance, making fun of bad movies as you watch them is like using one of those laser pointers to make your dog or cat jump around and try to catch it. It’s funny to watch and your pets get to exercise. However, making fun of these lyrics feels more like animal cruelty and just feels mean to do. I’m gonna B A Star and move onto the next track.

Track 7: Blue Tomorrow
Okay, so I felt bad for making fun of the last track and now I feel bad for kinda liking this one. It’s a little lighter and a completely different tone from the rest of the album thus far. Don’t get me wrong, I like absolutely nothing that Hardy is doing in this song but if I could get an instrumental version of this song, I might actually keep it on my iTunes. The opening riff reminds me a little of “Rubber Mallet” by Alien Ant Farm and then the rest of the song has more of a bluesy Susan Tedeschi vibe that really works for me. Again, I have no idea what Hardy was doing vocally and I did my absolute best to block that out. Kudos to whomever is responsible for the instrumentation here. See? I’m not a total cynical prick.

Track 8: None of a Kind
All the progress made in the last track was immediately erased with this one as we revert back into typical late 90s generic rock. Sure, there’s a guitar riff that’s a little interesting but it’s not quite enough to redeem this track. The title is incredibly fitting seeing as how there really isn’t much about this song to make it worth anything.

Track 9: Time and Fate
I can’t quite tell which band Jeff is trying to replicate in this song, Korn or Linkin Park. Perhaps it’s a mixture of both but I do know that whatever Jeff is trying to accomplish here, he has been vanquished. I’m trying to find new ways to describe without repeating how much I can’t stand the talk-singing but then again, that’s the entire album in a nut-shell.

Track 10: Explanation
Hardy struggling to talk-sing on the right beats is so painful in the opening of this song that I just had to quit. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t go any further. It sounds like he just learned how to read and was reading aloud (in monotone) with a sing-a-long video with a bouncing ball for every syllable. But since this song is titled “Explanation,” I want to take this time to demand an explanation as to why this was allowed. To quote the opening lyrics of Protest the Hero’s debut album Kezia, “This should never be.”

In conclusion, I’ve never been one to discourage or state that anyone’s self-expression is wrong because it’s strictly an opinion and nobody is ever incorrect in how they express themselves. Writing is my ultimate form of expression so I understand the need for an outlet, however I don’t think the world needs to see and experience every thought-bubble that I come across and I know when to keep certain things to myself (although some of my twitter followers may disagree at times). This was a situation where Jeff, who prides himself as a creative guy, might have been better off to keep this little thought-bubble to himself or at least within his circle of friends. Whoever believed this was a good idea to release this album is the individual that deserves every bit of the blame. The person that got a hold of Jeff’s ear and said “yeah, you should totally release an album, that’s a great idea” needs to be held accountable and subject to public ridicule. If you ever get a chance to buy or listen to this album, don’t. There’s only 1 song out of 10 that I didn’t mind but those stats are horrible even by baseball’s standards.

If you’ve read this review and believe that Jeff Hardy’s Plurality of Worlds is for you, I believe you might also enjoy public flogging, water-boarding, genital punching.

What I can do is recommend some ACTUAL music:

As of right now, I can’t seem to put down Protest the Hero’s latest album Volition

If that’s not really your thing, might I suggest Queens of the Stone Age’s album …Like Clockwork, which I still consider to be the best album of 2013.

Of course, no music recommendation would be complete without a little Manchester Orchestra.

And as always, I have to mention my all-time favorite band, Muse, which is probably the most fun to watch/listen to. Also, they have a shiny new concert blu-ray that was released this week. I got a copy of it early and, trust me, it’s gorgeous.

I’m gonna stop there because I could fill an whole other article with music recommendations but the important thing to note is that I do not endorse Jeff Hardy’s music career one bit. Matter of fact, I was deleting each song from iTunes and off my hard drive as I finished them.

Thanks a lot, Blair.

Your regular wrestling RAGER will resume next week, I promise.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: All the tracks have been deleted but I’m still tempted to kill my computer with fire because it is now forever unclean.

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