Hello, and welcome to the latest depressing installment of My Pinterest Is Piledrivers. I am your host and lead singer for a Smiths cover band, James A. Sawyer. Twitter is @todaysjimsawyer and yada yada yada.
So I’ve been reading Scott Keith’s recaps, despite his almost unforgivable sin of watching the Hulu versions as opposed to the three-hour widescreen David Leanlike epics they’re meant to be viewed as, and I’ve been seeing his opinions on the fall of Dolph Ziggler. Basically advising him to quit while he’s still young and marketable and check out acting or undoing any curses that may have befallen on him. And I gotta say, it kinda stings. It kinda stings because it’s true.
Anyone that follows me on twitter (ahem, @todaysjimsawyer) or reads my works (which you’re doing right now, and thank you, handsome/gorgeous!) knows that I am a big Ziggler supporter. I’d first noticed him when he was doing a modern and all-too-short-lasting revamp of the “heel wrestler/face valet” thing with Maria (as previously seen with Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth). In my opinion, that was missed opportunity one, as they could have easily turned him face as he defended Maria, mega-heel if he turned on her, or turned her heel and both of them pushed as main eventers if she were to interfere in an important match.
Later, I noticed the guy had some moves. He’s agile, has a great workrate and bumps like nobody else in the WWE. Seriously, this guy could make a broom look like the Dynamite Kid. Also, he showed some as-then-unseen epic promo skills in Zack Ryder’s YouTube show:
On top of that, the guy has one of the best Twitters around, is followed and friends with actual, real-life comedians and even dated a mainstream celebrity. So where is he now? He’s gotta be on top, right?
Man, listen to that pop! Finally, it’s good for them to realize that-
Wait… did he just lose a match to Rafi from The League? The same Rafi that lost to John Cena, despite cashing in his briefcase on an injured, surprised Cena who had just fought an allegedly grueling match just one night earlier? And this was for a chance at the Intercontinental championship? Something that, as a two-time World champion Ziggler should mostly be past now? Ughhhhhhhh.
Keith’s column, along with other columns that touch base with things like JC’s fan revolt piece, made me do some brooding, which admittedly isn’t that hard to do, but nevertheless. Remember Zack Ryder winning the US championship two years ago to an insanely over crowd on a PPV?
You’re lucky to catch him on WWE Superstars.
Remember when an intense, motivated and pissed-off Kofi Kingston nailed Orton with a steel piece of equipment and Boom Boom Dropped him through a table at Madison Square Garden?
It’s four years later and he’s probably not to even talk to Orton in the locker room.
Look, I am fully aware that I might not be the loudest voice in the WWE Universe… but those crowds seemed to be pretty loud.
This is CM Punk recalling his reaction to his first (first!) PPV appearance, when dude was on ECW of all shows.
This is the last PPV main event, featuring chants of both “bo-ring” and “we want Bryan.”
Oh, this is what they were chanting during Punk and Bryan’s match against the bad guys from Cape Fear.
And this is me, after weeks and months and years of the same old stuff from the WWE.
I named this column “Rats In A Cage Match” because that’s what I feel like with wrestling sometimes. A lot of the times. The ‘E will acknowledge their figurative boner for Cena and Orton (God I hope) with Punk doing promos on how Cena makes the kiddies pee their pajamas and even The Rock basing his entire comeback on thinking that Cena sucks, and Triple H starting a program with declaring that Orton is the corporate choice and Bryan is a B+ guy… and then they’ll drop it. Huh? So you have Punk turn face, on accident from a storyline perspective but on purpose due to the tired fans, based on how he’s tired of the same machine, and then… turn heel for some reason and not really acknowledge how it’s the same machine. Bryan talks about how Cena is a parody of a wrestler, and how he’s better than Orton… which somehow leads to the Big Show feuding with Orton and Bryan being kidnapped and left in… the parking lot of the arena. What?
Oh, and here’s fans of the Nkana football club… in Africa, doing Daniel Bryan’s “Yes!” chant.
Yeah, but no, the fans don’t really care about him and he’s not making an impact at all.
What exactly has to happen to get some new blood in the main event? I’m asking sincerely. Big Show is 41. John Cena’s been in the world/WWE title picture since Wrestlemania 21, almost nine years ago. Fans started rooting against him at least as far back as 2006 when Rob Van Dam beat him for the championship. Orton’s been in the world/WWE title picture since he beat Lord Voldemort at the 2004 SummerFest. Cena and Orton’s time in the main event scene has now lasted longer than the entire WWE careers of The Rock and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Their entire careers, from curtain jerking to top of the carding.
Lookit, I understand that I use a lot of humor and sarcasm and irony and brilliant insight, but I want to pose a serious series of questions and hold forth on a serious discussion. No mentions on how people are ignorant assholes or unholy abominations or just snarky smarks. Can anyone justify recent decisions of the WWE? Is there something I’m not getting? Are there purposes to these business practices?
So Vince thinks Ryder is a nerd? Wasn’t he a nerd the crowd got behind and made them tons of money in merchandise? So Ziggler said he was mystified at how Orton gets shot after shot? Does he not? Has he not flunked two Wellness Violations? Did Orton not do a radio interview where he basically called Kelly Kelly a skanky skank? Speaking of, allegedly Orton got frustrated with a miscommunication with Kofi during a match. If I’m not mistaken, this was around 2009-10 when Orton was with Legacy. That was a long time ago. Has Kofi not proved himself by stealing the show many times over?
Yet they put Ryback and Curtis Axel with Paul Heyman, a noticeable step down in quality from Brock and Punk. Mark Henry’s still with the company, and still getting world title matches despite countless injuries and retraining trips. Sin Cara botches every other move and begged off a match with Del Rio because of an injured finger. Bryan once wrestled with a detached retina and Ziggler had his nose broken by Low Ki during a match, and still finished it as planned. Yet Cara’s still employed and on TV when not injured or suspended and I haven’t seen Evan Bourne in literally years.
What’s gonna happen when Cena gets injured seriously enough to take off for more than a month? Or he, eventually, retires? What’s gonna happen when Orton flunks another Wellness test? Or is it not as up-and-up as they claim and they know not to test him anymore? Or, what if he gets hurt at some point? Would Vince just cancel RAW and Smackdown? Or would he call up Kevin Nash and Bob Backlund and tell them to go nuts while putting Punk, Ziggler, Ryder and Bryan in a feud with Demolition, a janitor, and the sweaty guy selling hot dogs in a cart outside the arena?
And what can we do? We being the people of similar mindsets as myself who like seeing not just Punk and Bryan, two guys theoretically also at the top, but hopeful future main eventers like Ziggler, Ambrose, Langston and Cesaro? (To note- it’s a miracle Big E is getting the push that he is, and not being marketed as MC Rapper The Soul Food Soldier judging from WWE’s record of minority characters) Frankly I’m terrified of what’s going to happen to all three members of the Shield, and Big E, because my snotty little joke probably gave Creative an idea. Do we not watch? Only watch when someone we like is on? What if you’re not a Nielson home, does it count? Have a mail-in campaign like the fans of Roswell and that one show with Skeet Ulrich where we send in cheap, pink plastic sunglasses for Ziggler and, I dunno, Ricola cough drops for Cesaro? It’s not like WWE hasn’t inexplicably buried fan favorites before (see Jericho and Van Dam in the early 00s)
Is there a point? An end? Or are we all… rats in a cage(match)?
If you don’t like Bryan you’re wrong, evil, and full of Satan’s spirit.
Tags: Antonio Cesaro, Bob Backlund, chris jericho, cm punk, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Demolition, Dolph Ziggler, ECW, john cena, kevin nash, Kofi Kingston, Maria, Miss Elizabeth, randy orton, Randy Savage, Raw, Rob Van Dam, Smackdown, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Summerslam, survivor series, the big show, The Wyatt Family, triple h, wrestlemania, WWE, zack ryder