Don’t be mad about the title of this week’s article. We all know that the only reason Kofi is in the WWE is that he’s sleeping with Punk. Welcome to my no-nonsense Royal Rumble analysis article. This is where I tell it like it is for each match on the card. So if you’re finished playing with your doll houses, we’ll begin.
The New Age Outlaws VS Goldust and Cody Rhodes(c) for the WWE Tag Team Titles: We all know that Goldust is way too old to wrestle and Cody has been floundering since he started wearing knee pads again. Cody drove Damien Sandow away and then forced The Authority to fire him because Cody was a bad influence on guys like Orton and Ryback. We can all agree that it’s not WWE’s fault as Cody had really fired himself. Of course then Dusty comes in and used his backwoods inbred charm to get his kids back in the WWE. Somehow the Rhodes Brothers beat the Shield in an unfair tag title match. I mean the Tag Team Champions couldn’t rely on Dean helping them out. How fair is that? So the Rhodes family wins again with hijinks and cheating, just like their dad did when he stole belt from poor Ric Flair in 1986. It’s obvious the Outlaws will win because they have the experience edge, and came off a hot run as a tag team in TNA. The Road Dogg beat Goldust at WrestleMania 15 for the IC Belt. The fans don’t want to see a old fart like Goldust, and his disrespectful bratty little brother with the tag belts. They want experienced veterans, and men that have always held the WWE Tag Team Championships with pride and honor. I’m sorry guys I’m just old school and feel the Rhodes Family are an affront to the traditions of this great sport. Also how great is that Billy Gunn? I mean he is every bit the athlete that he was at 23. I also notice the fans really connect with Billy. That’s comforting because he’s such a humble man.
Bray Wyatt VS Daniel Bryan: It’s really sad in this day and age that the WWE Universe won’t allow WWE to bury Daniel Bryan, and fire his lazy ass. Then you have a gem of a man in Bray Wyatt. He is a delightful family man who keeps his hands full making his gritty white candy, and taking care of his two retarded buddies. Bray is not a violent man by any means, and can be seen sitting calmly at ring side cheering his friends to victory. I’ve even heard that Bray may Main Event WrestleMania 30. He will most likely be the next Hulk Hogan or John Cena. I can’t wait to get my “Buzzard Buddy” t-shirt. Daniel Bryan hates this because for over two years he’s been paying WWE fans to cheer for him and say his stupid catchphrases with nothing to show for it. He needs to shave that dumb beard and be a professional. What a disrespectful piece of garbage Bryan is, and he’s so hateful. Ever since Bryan came to the WWE, he’s shown that he can’t be a team player. He cheated Miz out of the U.S. Title, after Miz had mentored him. During all that Wade Barrett had to throw Bryan out of Nexus because Bryan tried to kill a commentator. I really question, who are these “fans” that like Bryan? My friends and I in Beverly Hills don’t. like him. Infact Nichole Bockwinkel, and Keith Sullivan also find him to be a real bane on the WWE. It’s sad how someone like Daniel Bryan can harm pro-wrestling like this. I want Bray to win here, but I’m hoping he turns Bryan into a 30 year old Alzheimer’s patient.
Brock Lesner VS Big Show: It’s very classy of Brock to take this challenge so close after he made himself #1 contender. I know it looks like Brock might be afraid of Big Show, but that’s all a façade because nobody is afraid of the Big Show. Brock is a killer and is training at a North Korean zoo preparing for this match. Paul Heyman will also be in Brock’s corner and free from distractions like those idiots Ryback and Curtis Axel. Meanwhile, Big Show is coming off playing a New Year’s baby, while Brock’s been passing the time beating the snot out of overly large North Koreans. Brock is fit to the letter. He is ready to beat Big Show and give a mighty roar in front of a crowd of fans that don’t deserve to see him. I mean don’t any of you think Brock and Paul Heyman are being too nice to us? Brock really should be allowed to charge us an extra $35 for every event we watch Brock in. I could afford that. It’s not that much, but of course some poor person will cry about it. I wonder if Brock would wear a Punk Capital Bank patch on his trunks? I should email Paul Heyman? Big Show and Brock do have a past. At one time Big Show was represented by Paul Heyman. Heyman even turned on Brock in favor of Show, but Show couldn’t win. Heyman had to resign with Brock in 2003. If I were Big Show I would be terrified of losing this match. Not only will he gain a loss, but he’ll have proven that Heyman was right to ditch Show for Brock. Besides, Show was dressed like a New Year’s baby and we all know that once you do something comedic in pro-wrestling, you’re buried forever and can never be taken seriously ever again. Look how horrible life is for Colt Cabana. Hopefully, Paul can bring in some help for Brock. Guys like Nathan Jones and Kenzo Suzuki can always be counted on.
The Royal Rumble Match The match that only happens once a year. Winning the Royal Rumble is a big deal in wrestling, not as big as winning the Championship itself, but its a nice little footnote. I’m hoping for surprise entrants like Marc Mero, Orlando Jordan, and hopefully Raven. I also believe guys like Ryback and Curtis Axel have a good shot at winning, especially after getting rid of that know-nothing Paul Heyman. I doubt CM Punk can win, he is no HBK, or Ric Flair. Punk is just a guy that stole my name. I also wonder if Santino Morella, or JTG are going to be in there? JTG’s new “Booker T 2.0” gimmick will carry him far. I’m calling it now. JTG’s performance could make him “The Real Chosen One”, and he will be WWE Champ one day. JTG will be able to join the long list of African American WWE Champions. Brodus Clay is another favorite. Brodus finally dropped that stupid dance gimmick, and his dancing asshole friends, in favor of being a serious contender. You won’tt see Brodus wearing a baby costume, and being a woman’s punching machine. This man is a serious contender. I also like Bad News Barrett’s chances. It would be good to have a honest man main event WrestleMania, and add a touch of culture. I mean real culture, not the Uso’s made up culture. Usos can’t win the Rumble because we all know, Tag Team that dress the same, never win the Royal Rumble. I don’t believe Kofi can win because he jumps too much, and is obsessed with a stack of Hustler’s he found in Punk’s closet. Daniel Bryan is out because by event time, Bray will have removed his goat faced head. I’m going to choose Batista to win, but I can’t say much for his poor attitude on RAW. Doesn’t he know Del Rio is rich? I don’t care how tight your clothes are, you can’t just attack a rich guy. There are laws against that, and the Police will actually be concerned if somebody does something illegal to rich people. I can understand why ADR didn’t press charges though. Who would ever have Batista arrested after being held in those dreamy arms of his? Er… uhm…man I can’t wait to see Eva Marie in Playboy. How bout you guys?
Randy Orton(c) VS John Cena for the WWE World Championship Again the only reason Cena has this title shot is because he’s sleeping with the Bellas. Yes he sleeps with them both, Daniel Bryan is paid to look like a boyfriend, so it doesn’t feel too weird (also to keep Natalya from gossiping about for decades). You know a twin sister incest relationship with an overly pushed doofus muscle head can sound weird? Cena basically runs the WWE and does whatever he wants. Then you have Randy Orton. Randy Orton’s tale is a real a Cinderella story. After years of wrestling with the pain of injured tattoos (Randy’s tattoos suffered injury at the hands of an overly lustful Beth Phoenix) and a horrible bout of sideburns, Randy Orton defied the odds and beat Daniel Bryan’s epic streak at Summer Slam, 2013. Randy became the face of The WWE, and was loved by fans all over the World (except for Kofi’s family because those people are dicks). Then you have John Cena., the fowl mouthed intimidator and all around bully. Cena is probably Triple H’s greatest disappointment? Honestly, why do parents allow their kids to even wear John Cena shirts? The last thing I need is my son to look up at me in a yellow hat, and green shirt and say “Daddy, can we give to the Make a Wish foundation?”, let God help sick people. Besides I can’t give anything, my mother has all our charity money tied up in charities that seem to only help cats(?). I love Orton’s chances here. Unless he loses, then I’ll love Batista’s chances at WrestleMania 30, as the new face of the WWE.
Well it’s been nice looking over this Sunday’s card with you. Remember the card is subject to change because sometimes wrestlers die without telling you first.
This has been Forever Heel, where Rey Mysterio is never welcome…
Tags: batista, Bray Wyatt, Brock Lesnar, cm punk, Daniel Bryan, john cena, Kevin Sullivan, Kofi Kingston, New Age Outlaws, Nick Bockwinkel, randy orton, royal rumble, The Shield, triple h, WWE, wwe logo