WWE at the Rumble

With apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer 

 

 

It looked extremely rocky for the WWE

Things were waning badly on Pay Per View and TV,

Sure they had their merch sales – DVDs, shirts, the works,

And they were pinning all their hopes on their new wrestling network

 

But they said, “We need the product to make people watch it

If only the Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View was a mammoth hit!”

And yet fans thumbed their noses, they didn’t give a spit

Because lead-in shows had been so dull the Rumble wouldn’t matter a bit

 

And Rhode Island had a Raw first, and likewise Dayton did so

The former was full of smart marks, and the latter was in Ohio

But Providence gave them Daniel Bryan, to the wonderment of all,

And Dayton was Batista’s return, and the ratings stood up tall.

 

So from the fans there rose a heavy sigh and hearty cheer;

It rebounded across the airwaves and reached Vinnie Mac’s ear

It echoed from every wrestling fan, this they surely couldn’t fumble

The stage was set for the biggest yet – the twenty-fourteen Royal Rumnble!

 

It started with the Rhodes brothers, tag team champions of the ‘E

Against the old New Age Outlaws, surely the champs would win easy

But Outlaw reign six came with a fame-asser to Cody’s head,

The fans stared at their screens; “What was that?” they said.

 

The show proper started and for Daniel Bryan the crowd was crazed

Yet he lost to Wyatt; they said, “Good match, but we wanted to ‘Yes!’ today!”

Lesnar beat Big Show and very few people actually cared,

After, Lesnar continued his abuse; the crowd yawned as Show was chaired.

 

Cena against Orton was next, for the world title unified,

They’d seen this match before – would this one be diversified?

Back and forth the fight went on; “This is awful!” the crowd cried

Wyatts came out to distract Cena, so Orton won and the crowd died.

 

“Boo!” cried the maddened crowd, and across the world, “Boo!”

But the ‘E knew this was prelim, the Rumble match was THE to-do.

There was confidence in their tweeting, swagger in their walk

Time to show the world that a successful ‘E was more than just talk.

 

The men were ready to come out, determined to do their best;

They were going to put on a show, put one another to the test.

So CM Punk was number one, Seth Rollins number two;

This was it, make or break, nothing left to do…

 

Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,

Wrestlers grapple somewhere while powerbombs delight;

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,

Batista has won the Rumble, the ‘E has bombed out!

 

OR, if you’re a WWE shill who thinks they can do no wrong, here is an alternate ending for you:

 

 

Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,

Wrestlers grapple somewhere while powerbombs delight;

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children have fun;

Batista has won the Rumble, the ‘E has hit a home run!

 

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