No Chance -30 Thoughts for 30 Entrants

Note: This article was written before all of the CM Punk news and rumors exploded across the Internet, thus some of the following thoughts might seem downright silly considering what had recently transpired. A more detailed reaction to the Punk situation will be forthcoming soon.

1. CM Punk: I love Punk. Always have and always will. My personal bias will always shine through and I will always want Punk to win everything, Rumbles, MitB matches, all of the titles, everything. That being said, I think I can live with Punk not winning the Rumble. (Not that any of us are happy about the actual winner but that’s later) See, at the end of the night, Punk has a clear feud to go from here. First he has to go through Kane (probably at Elimination Chamber) and then onward to face Triple H at Mania. Sure it might not actually shake out that way, but it’s felt like they’ve been floundering a bit for things for Punk to do since his feud with Paul Heyman so it’s nice to see that there’s actually some story thoughts in mind somewhere backstage.
2. Seth Rollins: Probably the least to be said about this guy compared to what needs to be said about the other members of the Shield, but it’s worth pointing out that he lasted the second-longest in the match and less than a minute under Punk who was in the match the longest. Rollins knows how to put on a show, and as it seems his single career is rapidly approaching I desperately hope that he doesn’t get lost in the shadows of the other members of The Shield.
3. Damien Sandow: I know he was the third one in the ring, and up against Punk and Rollins at the time, but Sandow was the first to be eliminated, and only got two minutes of ring time in the show. The Rumble is a time to show of some neat tricks, and I don’t want Sandow to fall down to jobber level and battle royale filler. This was a MitB winner not too long ago, remember?
4. Cody Rhodes: Both Cody and Goldust had a match before this, just like another bearded wrestler I won’t mention. Why were they in this match and he wasn’t?
5. Kane: I don’t know how much in ring action Kane is going to have while he’s in Citizen Kane mode, but I do like the business pants as ring attire for the character. I also would like to see the entrance video change to just clips of Kane doing office work, making copies and sending emails. That kind of thing. But keep the ominous music please.
6. Alexander Rusev: Now this is how you make a debut. This guy, who the bulk of the audience had probably never heard of before this moment came out and seemed to dominate for far longer then they would have normally allowed an NXT guy to do on one of their major PPVs. When I was checking the stats of the show, I was actually stunned to see that this guy didn’t actually eliminate anyone. But he did leave an impression and I now want to check out more of his stuff. Which makes the debut a success.
7. Jack Swagger: Who cares what he actually did in the ring? Zeb’s signs during the Real American entrances were great.
8. Kofi Kingston: So the jump back to the ring was supposed to be the incredible “Kofi spot” of the night, but I actually want to hand it to the moment where Kofi was hanging in the ropes by his feet before pulling himself back in.
9. Jimmy Uso: Nobody felt like “WWE is just filling up the 30″ entrants more than the Usos. That doesn’t mean that they were the worst part of the rumble (we all know that) or that they were even the worst wrestlers in the show. But Khali (who does get that title) was in the show because he’s a big guy, and because he can create a memorable moment as bad as it may be. The Usos didn’t have that, and in some ways that’s worse.
10. Goldust: I think it’s worth mentioning that Goldust eliminated Cody in the Rumble match. And thanks to Raw it seems like the New Age Outlaws are just shocker 24 hour long champions and CoDust might be toward the end. Add that to some dissention that can grow between the brothers and can we finally have the Mania match we’ve wanted since Mania 28? I’m sure that we can get the IC title on one of them by that point.
11. Dean Ambrose: Let it be known that Ambrose fired first. In the feud that will eventually break up The Shield, Ambrose was the one who made the first move against a teammate, the first one to betray and that means that when it comes time, Ambrose will be the heel. But I think we all knew that and wouldn’t want it any other way. I see a long, prosperous career ahead of this guy, which means that one day he may turn face in a WWE ring, and boy what a strange sight that will be.
12. Dolph Ziggler: Happiest surprise of the night right here. I’ve gone on “Ziggler is forever underused” rants before and I don’t want to add another one now. So instead I’ll ignore the fact that he got less than six minutes in the Rumble and instead just be glad that he’s back. (The fact that he won a match the next night on raw is the sugar helping that metaphorical medicine go down.)
13. R-Truth: I was wondering why Xavier Woods didn’t get this spot, as it might have been a good moment to showcase some new talent as they did with Alexander Rusev earlier in the Rumble. But R-Truth didn’t even break the 30 second mark for time in the match so if that’s how it was going to be for this entrant, it’s just as well that Woods didn’t come off looking that bad in his first Rumble match.
14. Kevin Nash: I chalk this one up to a total surprise. I really thought that he would be pretty much done and gone at this point. I guess if he wants to come back just for a quick return pop at the Rumble that’s all well and good, but the last time he was a surprise entrant, he disappeared for eight months before sending texts to himself about sticking the winner. So lets just real quick clarify that we don’t want that to happen again.
15. Roman Reigns: I think we can all agree that the person who came out of the Rumble looking the best was Daniel Bryan. But Reigns undoubtedly came out looking second best. And with his record setting 12 eliminations (hats of to Chris Sanders, fellow Classy Ring Attire host for predicting that) the man looks near unstoppable. Every move he does looks devastating, and I’m having a hard time coming up with reasons why he isn’t ready to start getting some serious solo main event feuds.
16. The Great Khali: Khali entered just as Kevin Nash was getting eliminated. So we got bad knees out of the ring and traded them for worse ones. Perfect.
17. Sheamus: We all knew that Sheamus was going to be back at The Rumble and despite my well documented feelings toward Sheamus, I was all ready to give the guy a fair chance to impress me, maybe show that some time off has done him and his character good and he was ready to get back with something interesting and new. But then something happened. See my girlfriend who I haven’t gotten to watch wrestling with me since MitB, was watching the Rumble and after just a few minutes of Sheamus in the ring, said she didn’t want to keep watching if “the Irish one” was going to be around all the time. So WWE, please do something with Sheamus. What you’re doing right now isn’t working!! Please. It’s for the greater good.
18. The Miz: Nothing worth mentioning about the Miz actually in the ring but in his “I’m going to win the Rumble” promo Miz talked about how he was going to get back to the title scene. It seems so bizarre now to think that just a few short years ago The Miz was walking into WrestleMania as champion and even crazier was how not crazy it felt at the time.
19. Fandango: Fandango lasted 2:45 in the ring before being the only person do be eliminated by El Torito. Great job guy whose debut match was at WrestleMania against Chris Jericho.
20. El Torito: Now this could have gone horribly. Some might say that this did indeed go horribly. But did you guys not see the reaction that Dean Ambrose and CM Punk had to having to fight this guy? Worth it.
21. Antonio Cesaro: I adore the swing move that Cesaro does. What I do not adore is the zoom in and out that the camera does when the swing is happening. WWE cameraman, director, or whoever is making that call. Please stop making me dread one of the coolest moves by one of the most talented people on your roster.
22. Luke Harper: First you show us that CoDust can enter the Rumble and then you have members of the Wyatt family just begging to be thrown out of the ring by our bearded hero? You’re a tease WWE.
23. Jey Uso: See the Jimmy Uso entrant above.
24. JBL: The other truly delightful surprise of the night. JBL the ham is something that is indeed worth marking about, but it was just shy of being perfect. No I don’t expect JBL winning the Rumble, but if the guy could have gotten off one clothesline, I would have been utterly happy.
25. Erick Rowan: See Luke Harper entrant above.
26.  Ryback: There was a moment where Ryback was facing off against Batista (probably moments before getting eliminated) that it was very apparent that Ryback was staring at the reason that creative would have nothing for him in the very near future. These guys fit the same mold, the same character, and like him or not, Batista is the one that’s higher up on the card and the one that is in a major Marvel movie in just a few months. The hole that Batista left in the main event has never been successfully filled by Ryback and as of right now, Ryback is going to find it harder than ever to get to that spot on the roster.
27. Alberto Del Rio: Honestly if you threatened my most prized possession right now and told me to describe anything that Alberto del Rio did in the Rumble this week… well I guess I would be looking for a new prized possession.
28. Batista: Now I know how we all feel about Batista at this moment. And I agree, when it comes to trying to find someone to blame about the whole Daniel Bryan thing, Batista makes a great scapegoat. But let’s think for just a second that most likely Batista was at one point going to be a surprise return to come and win the Rumble. What if that information hadn’t been leaked? Would the initial excitement that Batista was back be enough to soften the blow? Now as things ended up playing out that excitement was something that we got and then got over weeks ago. But would it have helped? I don’t really know, but it’s just a thought.
29. Big E Langston: Big E, I love ya, but unfortunately, you just got the worst luck of the draw. Wedged in between the Batista slot and the Daniel-Bryan-better-be-next-or-we’re-rioting slot, the just wasn’t a great opportunity for you to do much this year. Now, Big E is young and full of potential. One day there will be a Rumble where the guy is a dominant monster and will be the talk of the Rumble the next day. But 2014 just wasn’t it.
30. Rey Mysterio: There’s not much to say about Rey, but there is a ton to say about the 30^th slot in the Rumble this year. See this was the last chance. It was becoming clear her that this was a crowd that had come to see Bryan and Bryan would not be in the match. At home we were just watching a slow motion train wreck, it was becoming clear that Batista was going to be the winner and the crowd reactions was quickly become a more interesting thing to pay attention to. That final countdown to the 30^th entrance was almost fascinating in that there was no way to stop the negative reaction that whichever poor soul entering would receive. And when Rey came out, boy did that crowd deliver. He may not have actually been in the actual match, but there is no doubt that Daniel Bryan was the spiritual winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble. 

Bonus Thought: This isn’t my original idea, but I enjoyed it so much I had to share. Credit goes to elsewhere on the Internet, I’ve seen it a few places so I’m not sure where it originated. If WWE had to pick a #30 entrant with all the Bryan and Yes chants the correct choice should have been Barrett. Barrett with a microphone to say, “I know you all want Daniel Bryan but I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.” At which point he would run down to the ring. This way the boos that would have come could have been directed at a heel and one who takes delight in disappointing fans no less. I still wouldn’t have liked the #30 entrant but this way I would have respected it.