Forever Heel: TNA Wrestling Countdown to Markdown

I have been reading all of your comments and thank you guys for being cool. I haven’t responded as quickly because of my horrible career. My department is in a backlog and it’s the responsibility of salaried employees to finish each day’s work. Don’t ever choose a cushy office job over a back-breaking union job, kids. I will never retire or have a family outside the WWE cardboard cutouts that I set up around my dining room table. It’s weird having a son that just wants to sell “WWF In Your House: Beware of Dog” on VHS.

Okay last week I meant to talk about WWE Marks and their effect on its heel roster. I instead fell in love with The Authority’s epic storyline, which was actually just a fuck up by the McMahons and creative. I really thought Mania could end with Daniel Bryan hoisting the Title over a defeated Batista. Oh well. It doesn’t matter because we’re headed to TNA Land.

TNA has hit some bad luck recently. Roster cuts, a disappointing road tour, PWInsider making up bullshit stories. I don’t see how the loss of The Impact Zone matters? It’s just a studio. They’re not even hard to come by in Orlando. I also enjoy when people tell me bullshit Rasslin clichés like how Dixie doesn’t have ” a head for The Business”, that’s a bullshit copout phrase made up by inbred rednecks to keep their job. I don’t even think any of us know how Dixie runs TNA? She could be hands off, and allow talent and creative to do their thing? TNA is the only national alternative to WWE. If TNA leaves then nothing replaces it. Execs agree that pro-wrestling was a 90’s fad. No one is prepared to stick their neck out and green light a wrestling TV show. Nothing has changed since Time Warner cancelled WCW’s TV deal. The guys up top still think Wrestling is for low brow Mericans. Finally TNA has never tried to beat WWE because TNA knows what they are. Okay now that I cleared up how TNA can’t be run while in Study Hall, lets look at TNA’s heels.

TNA has never had a problem with heels. Every guy on the TNA roster has been a TNA heel, and almost all long-term NWA TNA Champs, and TNA World Champs have been heel. TNA has had many heel factions, with more than 5 guys at a time.

Magnus: This guy won the belt by default because of the roster cuts. I don’t know why they didn’t just hotshot the belt to Bobby Roode, or back to Bully? So far Magnus has played a clueless champ, that is out of his league. I’m okay with that. Sheamus did it twice and it was cool. However Magnus will need to look strong when he drops the belt, and I don’t know if he can get over?

Ethan Carter III: (BTW, people are getting pissed that Dixie hired her nephew to wrestle, but let AJ go. See half these morons think Dixie is her TV character?) So far so good for Ethan. I enjoyed watching him build up his win streak, and that he actually acts like an adult brat. I also enjoy that Dixie loves her nephew. She doesn’t get pissed at her flesh and blood, and orders Gunner to break Ethan’s neck because he raised his voice at her. I wish he would do his own thing more than just be background for the Dixie Land faction.

Bad Influence: I wish Daniels was like this ten years ago. He and Kazarian pulled themselves out of one of the worst pro-wrestling angles I’ve ever seen. Daniels was trying to stab people with screw drivers, while Frankie was fairing better as AJ’s best friend. Kaz turning on AJ was another nonsense heel turn, but this turned out well because Daniels and Kazarian wanted to salvage it. Before Bad Influence, I’m sure TNA’s idea was to have Daniels return to his Hooded Priest gimmick, and use mind control over Kaz. Daniels came up with this, and slowly forced it through. Appletinis and Marvel T-Shirts replaced long coats and hoods. Bad Influence is still a solid tag team. They’ve constantly weathered adversity like losing their $10 manager’s license.

Bobby Roode: The uncrowned TNA World Champ. He can play funny bully heel as well as serious ruthless heel. He reminds me of JBL, who also decided to be more than a Triple H heel. He doesn’t care if you boo him or cheer him, he’s going to do what he needs to win.  He can win fair, but is smart enough to cut corners when the opportunity is there. His first World Title reign was underwhelming for me. I wasn’t into a heel that advertises that he’s a selfish prick. That’s like when a non-supernatural heel claims to be evil, it sounds cartoony. His matches with and against Austin Aries is where he grew into a pleasant threat. Roode’s clown match with Aries was better Triple H face Kevin Nash. The only thing that makes Triple H better than Roode is that Hunter has a billion dollar company drilling into our heads that “The Game is the Best in this Business”, while Roode has to rely on his work rate. I think Roode is always going to be a top heel and World Title contender, and that’s quite a feet for a guy that started as a faceless generic evil Canadian. Team Canada was still awesome, but I’m partial.

Sabin: I guess when Aries turned face, Sabin turned heel? They made him Velvet Sky’s boyfriend, and broke them up in about three months. It took Mero and Sable about six months to do all that. I don’t like this heel turn because it diminishes Sabin’s win over Bully Ray for the World Title. I’m also afraid he is going to be relegated to endless mixed tag matches against Aries and Velvet. So as far as heels go…I wish he was face.

Gail Kim: One of the best female wrestlers in North America. She ditched WWE for her craft. She’s the first Knock-Out Champ, and won the WWE Women’s Title her first night on Raw. Gail is what a Diva should be, but wont be. She is a serious competitor, not a 12-year-old that can barley lift her Diva Title. It seems to be punishment on TNA’s part that Lei’D Tapa was paired with Gail. Gail would sleep with Batista, and he would wake up crying alone the next morning.

Lei’D Tapa: I don’t know why she’s in TNA? The fans went wild for that MMA chick, and Taeler Hendrix was cool. Tapa almost seems asleep sometimes, she’s almost like a 2001 Kane or 2004 Kevin Nash. She’s slow, and seems to have missed a call twice from Gail, and during a run in with ODB. I haven’t seen these kind of mistakes since David Flair in 1999. She’s been more alert recently, but those first Irish Whips took awhile.

BroMans: I’ve liked Robbie E. since he debuted with his sloppy moves and sloppy girlfriend. He was always funny, and adding Rob Terry as “Big Robbie”, was genius especially with the velvet rope and clipboard entrance. Except it seemed like Robbie E. was hired to lose every match. He was good at being beat. He does all the overselling and falling antics very well. The problem for Robbie is by 2013 the Jersey Shore Guido is stale. When Jessie Godderz came to TNA, I assumed he was just a celebrity gimmick and valet. Except he seemed to improve faster than Garett Bischoff, and was developing his own character,  a Hollywood air-head celebrity. The obvious choice was put him with the Jersey Guido. Just like Disco Inferno and Alex Wright, except BroMans won the TNA Tag Belts, and didn’t lose to throwaway teams like Public Enemy. I’m glad that stupid Tara left, because Robbie E. was too much of a third wheel, and these men need to be alone and explore their broness.

Bully Ray: Bully seems to be going down a dark path. He’s obsessed to prove his super evilness. I think he should stop taking advice from Skeletor and TNA Creative, and go back to being what he was before. I picked him as “2013’s FH Heel of the Year”, and he seems to be taking a powder? I know his blowoff match with AJ Styles was f’ed up by the fact that most of the Aces & 8’s got cut, and the fact that AJ ditched his anti-hero gimmick way too early. Still Bully was fine until they forced another Anderson push. Bully needs to be more of a Steve Austin heel (the ’96 version), not another quiet evil guy. We have dopes like Gunner for that.

 

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