The Bachelor 2014: Episode 5 Recap

Zzz…..Zzz…huh, what?  Oh sorry – I must have fallen asleep…WHILE WATCHING LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR.

Honestly, I know I say this every season and you are probably wondering why I even watch anymore, since all I do is complain about how bored I am watching.  I don’t even know what to tell ya there.  Why DO I watch?  This show is like a slowly sinking ship off the coast of Venezuela (does Venezuela even have a coast?  I actually don’t know and I’m too lazy to google it.)

Like I’m sitting here staring at my screen and wondering what to type.  For realz.  A few things are obvious from last night.  1)  He sure does know how to take a woman from behind.  Seriously, wrap those golden arms around me, would ya?  2)  He looks friggin amazing in a tie-less suit.  Like HOT.  And 3) His voice and general sense of puzzlement over the fact that he actually likes these girls, along with the abundant usage of the phrase ‘ayayay’ is pretty much throwing me over the edge of insanity.  Like there I go, flying past your head, on my way to insanity.  Better pack a lunch.

We couldn’t start the show without at least one of the girls screaming ‘Good Morning, Vietnam!’ (thanks Clare), so once that was out of the way we could join in the gawking of Vietnam’s beauty.  Vietnam isn’t slap you in the face beautiful, like some of the other countries we’ve visited on our Bachelor Journey, I think largely in part to the murky muddy water that covers every surface we saw last night, but still, it’s pretty stunning and I’d love to go (hint, hint, honey, when both our kids are shipped off to sleepover camp one day and we’re free for like, a whole month every summer…)

I was pretty surprised by Kat’s reference to Carmen Sandiego since I thought that all these girls were way too young to know who Carmen Sandiego is (and where the hell he went).  That was a pleasant surprise, as was Renee finally getting the one on one!  Yay Renee!  Was anyone else as happy as me for her?  And on the flip side, was anyone else as sad for Andi as I was?

Renee gets to work putting on makeup and doing her hair for the first time all season and gets into this season’s uniform – short shorts, a casual tank and runners (this certainly isn’t a ground-breaking season from a fashion perspective, eh?)

JP and Renee take a stroll through the city streets, happening upon various local charms, like…a pack of monks holding hands?  Huh?  I’m sure after like three minutes JP was regretting his decision to pedal the bike around town, but not having him sit next to Renee gave me the freedom to notice that the girl has no cellulite on her legs – even when she crosses them!  Like none.  I thought she had amazing legs before this date, but now – they’re friggin’ miracles!

So I was hoping Renee would get a makeover date at some point, but I was thinking more shopping spree in Vegas than traditional garb in a Vietnamese fabric shop.  Let’s just call a spade a spade here – even if JP did tell her ‘you look so nice on your dress’, it was still pretty meh.

I really needed that moment where he started examining her boobs as her measurements were being taken and she suffered through yet another hot flash  – I guess that’s about as funny as this season is going to get (aside from random episodic comments by Chelsie, Nicki and Kelly).  Isn’t lowering your standards fun?  It was a nice break from listening to Renee tell us that she hopes he kisses her, but if he doesn’t that’s ok.  Well, not ok, but sort of okay.  But she hopes he does.  But should she?  I don’t know.  What if he does?  What if he doesn’t?  What if you stop talking about it? What if you kissed HIM?  For the love.

I’m actually getting really sick of hearing the phrase ‘I have a daughter’ from Juan Pablo’s mouth.  We get it.  You have a daughter and blah blah blah role model, blah blah blah, disrespect, blah blah blah, shoplift the pootie from a single mom.  But do you actually think you’re setting a good example for Camila simply by not kissing Renee, when you’re kissing pretty much everyone else?  Where is the logic?

Even though we all know that the hat JP bought for Ben will be a crumpled mess by the time she gets home, it was such a sweet gesture that I actually teared up when they were buying stuff for the kids.  Because they really did seem very at home with each other.  Not sure how much chemistry they have (though my favourite moment of the night BY FAR was their kiss), but we’ll see.

We cap off the date with the obligatory moment for the season where a date includes making a wish on something lanternesque and watching it float away as romance builds between the happy couple.  Sort of as good as a kiss, right Renee?  In other related news, also to be checked off for this season?  Girl sneaks into bachelor’s suite, incurs penetration, followed by deep regret.

Onto the group date (yet another casual catwalk), which as the girls pointed out was really Clare’s one on one date.  I would also feel like a pretty big douchebag being stuck in one of those teacup boats with a gal pal while another girl got to have one on one time (haven’t seen that much action in the bulrushes since Moses came floatin’ down the Nile!)

Even if Clare didn’t end up with a female partner based on the default that she has no friends, the other girls should have jumped at the chance to be his partner – why didn’t they?  He said find a partner and then it went silent.  I’m sure they all just don’t want to ruffle any feathers but really?  Isn’t that what you’re here for?  It’s certainly what I’m here for.

This date is just fraught with tension from the get-go.  In fact, I venture to say that it is the most tense group date ever in Bachelor history (I know, just call me Chris Harrison).  Andi is on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the middle of the Vietnamese Kibbutz, Chelsie and Ali are entering into a lesbian relationship out of sheer boredom, and Cassandra just can’t stop vocalizing how awkward the date is, thereby making it…more awkward.  This poor Vietnamese family is probably going to have to cleanse their home of all the negative energy brought in by these biatches once they leave.

JP certainly isn’t helping the situation out either.  Like really?  Did you need to not only take Clare for one on one time first when you already spent the day with her, but then make it the longest one on one time ever?  A full snuggle and then a swim?  How long was that in real time?  I’m guessing at least 45 minutes to an hour.  And then, to give her the rose, when clearly Andi desperately needs it?  Why do you keep rewarding Clare for ‘trying new things’?  What is she trying?  Rice?  It’s not up to you to reward her for being a grown up and getting out of her comfort zone.  She’s not a child.  None of these girls are exactly comfortable with the situation, but I don’t see you rewarding  Cassandra for being away from her son, or Ali for hangin’ in there when you haven’t said one word to her all season, or Sharleen for leaving her penis at home…what makes Clare so special?

The brief moments of one on one time spent with the other girls, which editing basically had to rush through to leave time to show Clare surrendering herself to him in the ocean, was pretty uneventful.  Andi is still insecure (I guess it’s true, accents do come out more when people are emotional) until she is able to lean back in his arms like movie night at camp circa age 11.  Sharleen (looking pretty good in a backless dress) reveals her secret panda fetish and then creates yet another vile kiss moment for me to have nightmares about.  She is soooooo awkward, I don’t even know what to do about it anymore.  He calls her cute – she asks if it’s a good thing.  He kisses her – she takes a full minute – crickets and all – to recover from it and then pretends to try to look unaffected by him so as not to ‘show all her cards’.  I say Brown Bears Revolt!  Kick this panda to the curb cuz Mama Bear can’t take much more.

Then of course, they get back and the ominous music cues the dramatic moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Clare frolics up to his suite and it takes him all but 1.5 seconds for him to wrestle with his conscience to decide if it’s a good idea for him to go swimming with her.  I really wish they would just come out and say what happened in that there ocean.  Clearly JP didn’t bring a condom with him in his bathing suit, so there’s one black mark on the ‘setting a good example for Camila’ scoreboard.  Obviously some shit went down.  Was it more of the heavy petting variety?  Were things put in places?  For the love of God at least give me a base to reference!  Ayayay.

Hours later, while Clare is probably still experiencing the post-sex drip, Nicki is attempting to decide on a hairstyle for her date.  Should I do a side braid?  Should I rock a head band?  When in doubt, do them all!

I don’t love Nicki, but I also don’t dislike her.  Her acne issues make her sort of real, no?  And by far, I think she has put the most thought into her answers to Juan Pablo and is telling him the truth, not what he wants to hear.  She is also kinda funny, so I gotta give her some props for that.  Live, die or poop your pants.  Pretty much words to live by.

Don’t get me wrong – their date was still a snorefest complete with yet another aha metaphor moment about how love is all about taking risks and being there for one another in challenging times, just like the ‘insert adrenaline-inducing extreme sport’ we did today.  In my opinion, she got off pretty easy with repelling.  I’d rather scale a mountain than jump off a bridge any day.  And I’d be way more concerned about what’s waiting for me at the bottom of that cave than how I got there.

The next night at the cocktail party (thanks Cassandra, for pointing out the awkwardness yet again), I’m not sure what most of the girls are worried about.  I would have been absolutely shocked had Danielle, Kelly and Ali not been the ones sent home, since none of them have had any camera time with him whatsoever.

By far, my favourite moment of the episode, was when Renee could barely get the words out to give him the okay to kiss her and he just lays one on her.  She’s so right – that was such a movie thing to do.  HOT.  And thank god he did it that way too, because I don’t think I could have listened to her working up the courage one more time or wondering aloud if he was going to kiss her.

And then there’s Clare’s breakdown – oops – I mean her terrible allergies (and the Academy Award goes to…) I think JP should have his eyes wide open with this one.  Her reaction (albeit justified since she probably had a bladder infection at this point from last night’s romp in the salt water) was a bit tell-tale.  I get that she was upset and I think it’s pretty ridiculous of JP to make her feel like she was disrespecting Camila by literally and figuratively opening herself up to him the night before, but she couldn’t look him in the eye, then shut down as he was trying to talk to her and then he had to deal with either an eye twitch, or an eye-roll (not quite sure) followed by her running away.  I can see how future disagreements are going to go between them.  Ayayay.

Can we please get to the episode already where he threatens to shut the whole thing down?  Please tell me at least that will be dramatic.  We’re getting close reducing the number of girls that are actual contenders at least.  A couple more cuts and it should (hopefully?!?) get interesting.

Till next week!