Hey there and welcome to My Pinterest Is Piledrivers and blah blah James A. Sawyer and yada yada @todaysjimsawyer and gimme gimme gimme.
I’ve had two drafts on the backburner that will stay on the backburner for at least another week. One draft is humorously enough a “wish list” for 2014. By the time it’s published we’ll be into March, most likely. Another was a look back at my Mania XXX card, but there was another column that went into that, so I’m going to give it some thematic separation. Besides, I’m too amped up and I want to do another emotional, straight from the gut piece.
Last week I wrote an article about what was great about Dolph Ziggler. It took longer to read than to watch the match he had on that night’s Monday Night Raw. In case you got up to use the bathroom, looked down to send a text or blinked, Ziggler was squashed in under three minutes by Alberto Del Rio, who was then completely annihilated by Batista, a 45-year-old grandfather in Affliction clothes.
Okay, I get it, sometimes us lowly fans can’t get what we want, or need, or deserve. We’re stupid for liking Ziggler, Ryder, Bryan, Punk and Cesaro and we should always be asking about the whereabouts of Cena, Orton, Batista, Triple H, Sheamus, Mark Henry, Triple H’s accountant, and Hunter Hearst-Helmsley.
But shit’s getting old.
I like Antonio Cesaro. It looks like the Real Americans might be splitting up, which might mean big things for Cesaro… but shit’s getting old.
I like Daniel Bryan. He’s so over that they’re wisely dangling him like a set of car keys in front of the audience to distract from CM Punk… but shit’s getting old.
I like The Shield, all three members. Ambrose is the best method actor the WWE has had in a while. Everything he does is awesome. Seth and Roman are amazing as well. All three could be at the top of the card some day… but shit’s getting old.
There’s fans out there who talk about how Bryan and Punk are the main guys, not Cena and Orton. That RAW, Punk’s still gone, Bryan didn’t wrestle and Cena and Orton had their 3,752nd match. Shit got old.
Punk said we need to show up and make our voices heard. We did, we do, they don’t care. Cesaro will be humbled, as so many others can and will be humbled. Ambrose will accidentally knock a drink out of Vince’s hand and end up in a feud with Hornswaggle.
What else can we do? What else should we do? I’m not a Nielsen family. I don’t want to give the WWE ten bucks a month for PPVs with a bunch of spray-tanned douchebags with barbed wire tattoos fighting over coupons for Axe body spray.
There’s no rhyme or reason to the WWE. There’s no overall plan, no storyarc. It’s just a bunch of random shit. The Authority prop Orton up and then verbally tear him down. So… they’re bad? Good? Godlike in their ability to giveth and taketh away? Orton is a champ but has a win-loss record like, well, like Ziggler. Speaking of, Ziggler’s about to be in a tag team with the Miz. Because… of reasons. The Prime Time Players broke up. It’s nice that they can have two more guys they won’t know what to do with in singles competition, including someone who could be a role model and gateway for LGBTQ fans. Let’s have that one beaten until he’s bloody in the ring.
How do you fuck up the months into Wrestlemania? Football season is over! You have the Rumble, Elimination Chamber, and the big GRANDADDY of them all! Jesus, these stories write themselves. And they sure as hell wouldn’t write “Batista comes back and please God let him get a Rock-like reaction because if not we’re screwed” or “let’s have Bryan fight Sheamus and it’ll be funny because we screwed him over the first two times they did it, the fans love jokes at their expense” or “let’s have Punk fight Triple H in his possible last Wrestlemania appearance because Hunter really wants on the card. He promises to let him win. Maybe.”
I tried to be a good fan. I openly admitted to liking wrestling, even to members of the opposite sex and clergy! I’ll throw some cash occasionally on a respectable looking shirt or a Jericho DVD set. I even have a five-year-old relative who could be a huge Ryback fan in a couple of years. (I don’t know, he’ll be seven, who am I to dictate who he cheers for?)
And it’s time to admit that I’m part of the problem. I avoid Wal-Mart and McDonald’s like the plague, I champion independent art and music and locally-sourced bullshit… but I’m way out of the loop when it comes to the competition.
Apparently PWG is pretty hot with celebs like Melissa Stetten and Ron Funches. Chikara seems pretty fun, too. And there’s a ton of other companies that don’t seem to loathe their fans. So… come at me, bros. Give me suggestions, tell me what’s on sale and where to get what cheap. Wrestlers and companies (if any read this), send me DVDs. My laptop is a mess and I’m broker than the United States, so if anybody has any swag I’m open to it and will write it up. Maybe if more eyeballs got to more companies, they’d make more money, grow more and be able to hold onto the indie wrestlers that don’t really want to leave but admittedly want to get health insurance and a decent nest egg for retirement. Time to be part of the solution.
The problem is the WWE and right now it sucks.
Sorry. This column was a downer. Here, have some Tegan and Sara. I think they’re delightful and one day I hope to see them live.
Tags: alberto del rio, Antonio Cesaro, batista, Chikara, cm punk, Daniel Bryan, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, john cena, monday night raw, PWG, randy orton, The Shield, triple h, WWE, Zach Ryder