Elimination Chamber From The Big Heel’s Perspective.

The Elimination Chamber is no joke. It was created by the greatest man to ever run a wrestling company, Mr Eric Bischoff. The man who gave us World War 3, and wrestling Pay Per Views that involved monster trucks. The Elimination Chamber shortens careers, and breaks a lot of glass, and the wall is made from friggin chains for God sake. I’m still unhappy with this year’s Elimination Chamber participants. I would have had some real talent like Kahli, Kevin Nash, Big Show, Abdullah The Butcher, Ryback, and Mark Henry. That’s money right there, but it won’t happen because of guys like Kofi, and Daniel Bryan playing locker room politics. So lets look at what we have to deal with this Sunday.

The Rhodes Bros. VS Rybaxel: Does Rybaxel even need to show up? Can’t Cody and Goldust just call in their loss to Triple H? I mean as soon as those two dopey brothers enter the ring, Ryback will destroy them. After months of bullying from the IWC, Ryback told me he is ready to kill anything gold and lispy. As for Curtis Axel, well that’s blue chipper right there. A real hoss is Axel. At the end of this match, Goldust is going to wish he was getting his assed kicked by Darsow on a flatbed truck, and Cody is going to need to find that mask he used to wear. Hunter should just make the match, Rybaxil VS The Outlaws, for the belts at WrestleMania. That’s what the people want and that’s what business dictates. It’s a no-brainer. Final Analysis: Ryback and Axel send Goldust back to 1995.

The Usos VS. The New Age Outlaws (champs) for the WWE Tag Team Titles: God two tag teams made up of brothers with fat lazy dads. After weeks of The Usos dodging The Outlaws, it’s official now, and the Outlaws will finally get their revenge. When the Usos lose this match they should never get another title shot. You saw what they put Betty White up to? It’s also great to see Billy Gunn come out for the fans after being sick and all. Usos don’t deserve a title shot. I can think of plenty of other worthy tag teams. Maybe Old Sin Cara and Droz? That could be a real heartwarming team, even though Road Dogg and Billy Gunn would beat them badly. The Usos just don’t have the experience edge, that the Outlaws do. In the end experience is the biggest factor in wrestling, the guy with experience will always beat the guy with the stupid neon shorts and ugly tattoos. Also I’m sick of wondering why the Usos teeth look like they’re wearing braces. Final Analysis: Usos go down and Rikishi consuls his whiney sons with pineapple ice cream.

Alberto Del Rio VS. Batista: I don’t know why Batista started this? I’m thinking all of Dave’s missing hair is going to his skin head. (#oi!) Batista was only ever a placeholder champion, while Alberto held the title like it was given to him by God. Alberto is a good man and good friend, and a lot of this started with Batista’s bullying backstage. He’d been forcing Rey Mysterio to give him his clothes, so Dave could wear them, and get an even tighter feel. Alberto stood up to Batista on behalf of Rey. The hate against ADR doesn’t stop with Batista. No. The fans also boo this poor man, because he isn’t an American. Just like Fans used to boo Colonel DeBeers for not being American. I’m ashamed of the bigotry that American fans show to our international superstars. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alberto leaves WWE after this match. I would. He does us a favor by coming to WWE, and showing us real wrestling, and you guys boo him. I apologize for these rowdy redneck American fans, Alberto. Final Analysis: ADR is gonna deport Batista back to West Hollywood!

Big E.(champ) VS. Jack Swagger for the InterContinental Championship: Jack Swagger is a wrestling machine, and an American hero.  Tonight Zeb Coulter will have his chance to prove he is Puerto Rico’s greatest export. It shouldn’t be hard to prove when you manage Swagger and Cesaro. Jack has discusd strategy with his haircut all week to add some final touches to his match with Big E.  I talked to Swagger, and he has a sound strategy for his match with Big E. He’s going to takeout Big E’s pecs, Big E. will then deflate, and Jack will go for the pin.  Jack has come so far since that dust-up last year where CM Punk planted pot in the Swaggermobile. Jack has proven to be better than even a pro-wrestling gold medalist, and what’s better is Jack’s head doesn’t look bigger than his body. Final Analysis: Swagger beats Big E. like a Long Island Mule!

The Wyatts VS. The Shield: I don’t agree with this match taking place. These are six good men that are putting their bodies on the line over a simple misunderstanding. I don’t know if its ethical to put special needs wrestlers like Eric Rowan and Luke Harper against the Shield? It’s also a question as to whether Dean got his medication before challenging the Wyatts? I’m with all the fans in wanting to see the Shield win the WWE World Heavyweight Belt (under the Free Bird Rule) in the Elimination Chamber, and go on to beat Batista at Mania, but enough is enough, Shield. Bray is one of the soundest religious minds in pro-wrestling, and now I’m worried he’s going to do something wrong for the first time in his life. This whole match is a tragic display of Kofi Kingston’s manipulating backstage. Final Analysis: This is sick, and COO Triple H should call this match off.

Randy Orton (champ)  vs.  Sheamus vs. Cesaro vs. Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena vs. Christian  In The Elimination Chamber Match For the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: The Authority is starting to piss me off about how they keep allowing Orton to win all these matches without more cheating. That’s the face of the company. I could see doing this to Mick Foley because that would be hilarious, but not Randy. Daniel Bryan is only in this match because of IWC’s whining and crying. Ask Hulk Hogan, it takes talent to be a champ, and DB is hardly in Hogan’s league. I’m sick of these little guys getting everything handed to them in WWE. I really believe Kane deserves Bryan’s place in this match. Speaking of Bryan, wasn’t it awesome how Christian got the drop on crying Bryan, on Raw? Bryan had to grab Christian’s tights to even win that match. As for Sheamus and Cena…well Sheamus is just Irish John Cena, and a dope. John Cena is just another power-hungry jerk, like Hulk Hogan was. Cesaro is showing me a lot, and if Randy wasn’t in this match I would hope for a Cesaro win. Still it would be nice to see The Real American’s holding both of WWE’s greatest single’s titles. Final Analysis: Hopefully by Sunday, ADR will have killed Batsita during his match with him, and we would get Orton vs. Cesaro at WrestleMania.

Well there you have it. The real deserving athletes winning their matches for all of you.

Remember “Kofi Sucks!”

 

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