It’s 9:30pm over here, and it’s time for some SmackDown. I’ve spent my day finally getting around to starting to watch Game of Thrones, and am firmly of the belief that that Joffrey kid is a dickhead.
Oh, here’s Batista, looking like…I have no words to describe what an epic douche that outfit makes him look like. Apparently tonight is ‘Batista Unchained’. So…I’m guessing that this is going to be the WWE’s version of Django Unchained, and I think I’ll be justifiably furious if this is not the case. Cole makes it seem like it’s the fans’ fault for hating Batista rather than the WWE not knowing/caring what their audience want. Ooh, and Batista sounds angry, but says he loves this business. Oh, so he’s an abusive-boyfriend sort of character. He didn’t come back to be liked, which was damn perceptive of him. He didn’t come back to please us, which seems to be on the money as well. He came back to be the champ, and we can deal with it. Batista can destroy anyone they put in front of him, and he’s better than Hulk Hogan and the Rock. He asks what the hell happened to this business, and shit, he’s right. He then pushes the Daniel Bryan button, so he’s definitely a heel then. He asks us if we think our heroes are as good as him, and then starts getting undressed, but leaves his douche-hat and douche-shades on, which is just ridoucheulous. He’s going to be champion, and we can deal with it.
Oh God, Ziggler’s here. Run, Dolph: nothing about this ends well for you. And seriously, this is how we’re building Batista? Del Rio and Ziggler? This close to WrestleMania? Where the hell’s Ryback? Ziggler sticks up for the crowd and calls Batista a dinosaur, which is a cool thing to be. Dolph calls himself a real man, and the blonde hair, the shocking pink sleeveless t-shirt, Batista’s toplessness and douche-accessories mean that the ring resembles a gay bar. Ziggler then dropkicks Batista, which once happened in a gay bar I was in.
Apparently The Real Americans Can Be On The Wrong Page And Still Win
It’s the Real Americans vs. Langston and Henry. Swagger and Langston lock up, pushing each other around the ring. Swagger gets belly-to-bellied and shoulder-thrusted by Langston; Henry gets the tag and starts headbutting Jack before running into a boot and then bodyslamming his blonde ass. Tag to Langston, and the two of them smack biceps. High-fives and fist-bumps just got out-bro’d. Dual backbreakers from Langston, probably to celebrate this new creation of the manly greeting ever. Tag to Cesaro, who gets gorilla-pressed, but then tosses Langston onto the apron, smacks his head into the post and deadlift-suplexes him back to the inside. Boy, I wonder who the rising star on this team is. Swagger had tagged himself in, without Cesaro even noticing. Oh my God…can you guys sense the ninja? I swear, they read these reviews and pick out the most random idea. Or I’m horribly paranoid.
Anyway, the All-American Real-American Ninja hits the Swagger Bomb before tagging in Cesaro and throwing him into Langston (but in a ‘we’re cool’ way). Cesaro gets backdropped and Henry gets the tag, and he’s trying to bicep-smack with Swagger, but he keeps missing and hitting Jack in the face. He hoists Swagger up and brings him down with a nice running powerslam. World’s Strongest Slam gets going, but Cesaro hits the boot. Langston takes exception to this and the two brawl on the outside before Cesaro introduces Langston’s head to the post again. In the ring, Swagger takes Henry out at the knee and applies the Patriot Lock. Cesaro gets the blind tag, because he’s the main fucking eventer on this team. He then hits the Neutraliser, because he actually is the main fucking eventer on this team.
Fun match, if short. Cesaro’s Neutraliser was the high-point, and the rest was fairly decent. 2 Stars.
Backstage, Del Rio is still sniffing around Vickie Guerrero as they trade witty banter. Sheamus, already desperate for literally anything to do, shows up and wants to fight a Mexican. Hey, Del Rio’s Mexican.
In Our Struggle To Find Something Else For Sheamus
Sheamus makes his way out to the ring, and they hint that we might not be done with the Christian-Sheamus thing yet. Not that I’d complain; the matches have been pretty good. Del Rio follows and the two men lock up. Alberto immediately targets the ribs and Sheamus throws him out of the ring before shoulder-charging Del Rio off the apron and whacking him off the table. Back in the ring, Sheamus is all over Del Rio, hitting a knee to the face, but Del Rio hangs him up on the top rope and dropkicks him out of the ring.
Christian’s music hits and he comes back. Batista, take some notes: that’s what wearing people-clothes looks like.
Back from a break, Del Rio is keeping Sheamus on the mat and Christian is on commentary. Alberto heads up to the top rope, but Sheamus catches him and gets Del Rio on his shoulders, hitting the electric chair drop. Del Rio still makes it to his feet first, but Sheamus beats him to the strikes, knocking him around and hitting a bodyslam for two. Del Rio ducks a clothesline and Brogue Kick, hitting the backstabber for a two. Alberto misses a charge, ending up on the apron and tastes the clubbing forearms to the chest. Del Rio slides out of a White Noise, hitting a kick to the ribs and then to the head for a near-fall. Del Rio is stalking Sheamus, but misses his corner enzuigri. Sheamus takes advantage, getting the Cloverleaf on Del Rio. Credit to Christian, he acted like that was a dig at him. He jumps Sheamus for the DQ and gets tossed. Del Rio wants the cross-armbreaker, but gets Brogue Kicked before Christian hits the Killswitch on Sheamus.
Again, I thought this match was fine. I do actually appreciate Sheamus being back, as his matches have been of a decent quality. 2.5 Stars.
Back on SmackDown, we’re investigating the mid-match disappearance of Dean Ambrose and replay the end of the match between Reigns and Bray. Back in the…back, the Shield are bitching at each other, probably about how Roman should just grow a pair and ask Renee out for a drink (oh, we’re still on that). And they’re already calling Monday’s match ‘the DQ thing’. Rollins keeps the team together, mainly by telling them they should all go and fuck with the Wyatts. The Shield get pumped up at this prospect, and who wouldn’t?
Was Dolph Ever Considered ‘One Of Our Heroes’?
Batista, thankfully sans hat, and Dolph make their way to the ring and the action immediately starts. Dolph hits Batista out of the ring, and just read that sentence a few times and wonder what the hell is going on. Ziggler waits on Batista, who comes back in, gets hit again, dropkicked and rolls out of the ring. Ziggler tries to follow, but Batista jumps on and mauls him on the outside, driving him into the barricade and then hard into the apron. Dolph manages to slide out of Batista’s grip, throwing the Animal into ring post. Batista still manages to kick Ziggler out at the knee, throwing the Show-Off back into the ring and then whacking his leg off the steel post. Suplex to Dolph, getting a two, and Batista is firmly on offence now, targeting the leg and wrapping it around the rope. Ziggler dodges a charge into the corner, trying to pull himself up on the ropes. He hits a splash in the corner, following with punches, but Batista nearly gets him with the Batista Bomb; Ziggler jumps out, taking Batista out at the knee himself and hits the Fameasser for a near-fall.
Batista looks spaced as both men try to reach their feet. Zig-Zag’s attempted, but Batista catches the ropes; Dolph turns it into a sleeper hold but gets thrown off and…spinebuster. Another spinebuster follows it up, and another, and then the Batista Bomb ends it.
Ziggler got in way more offence than I thought he would, and it’s nice to see him do that, but I don’t know if this was the right place. If you’re going the route of badass heel with Batista, he should have straight-up demolished someone. Seriously, get Ryback to get in his face and have Batista annihilate him. 2 Stars.
Replay of Cena getting it on with the Wyatts. I’ve seen it said on comment sections, and I’ll repeat it here: if you want this feud to be a success, Cena cannot be allowed to make light of the Wyatts. It’s killed tension before, and you can’t do that for WrestleMania. Comedy has no place here.
The Wyatts are here, which means we’re going to hear what it’d be like if Bob Dylan invented his own drugs and sang songs whilst on them. Can we just have a Bray Wyatt motivational tape? I’d buy all of that. He actually sings ‘What a Wonderful World’, and I want to hug him. He promises to slay the ‘mighty dragon’ that is Cena, and I’m definitely looking forward to this one.
Sierra Hotel India…it’s the Hounds of Justice, and they’re heading out here for a rumble. Ah, but here’s Triple H, because we actually wanted to see that fight. Oh, but he’s moving it to Monday, and if that doesn’t distract Chicago then nothing on this earth could. Bray goes to leave, but tosses a sarcastic quip back at the Shield, because even the Eater of Worlds gets to be a catty bitch sometimes. And apparently that doesn’t sit well with the Shield, because they get the hell in the ring, and so does Bray. Because, honestly, fuck that Triple H guy. Rollins and Ambrose dive out on Harper and Rowan, then get back in the ring for a three-man Deliverance reference on the fat one, but Bray gets out of there.
We spend about twenty minutes watching the Cesaro-Langston match from RAW. And, you know, I enjoyed that bout, but you’d think we’d have a match which could be put in its place. With WWE Network out now and YouTube existing, you’d think they could just show Savage vs. Steamboat matches if they had a slot which needed something from the past.
Did They Get Confused Between Which Funkadactyl Is Which? Again?
When we resurface, Cameron is about to challenge AJ for the championship. Oh, so no Shield/Wyatts, just terrible clotheslines. Thanks, SmackDown. And if you want comedy, find a clip of the ref seriously holding up the Diva’s Championship. Just bring back the one that people like Lita and Trish wrestled for.
AJ pounces on Cameron, rocking her head against the turnbuckle and clotheslining her. Submission hold’s locked it, AJ wrapping Cameron’s arms around her neck. Cameron manages to fight out, hitting a jawbreaker. She also screams, which was loud and unnecessary. Oh, and after I made that mean joke, Cameron’s clotheslines have actually improved. Hm. Bad David. Oops, and the bulldog ruins it. Cameron keeps screaming and I am so glad I had the foresight to buy rum today. She charges at AJ in the corner, but Tamina pushes AJ out of the way and Tamina is EJECTED FROM RINGSIDE. Cameron hits a crossbody from the top, but AJ kicks out, rocking Tamina with a kick before locking in the Black Widow for the tap out.
This was okay, which I think’s a theme for tonight. We all knew Cameron wasn’t going to win; is Naomi off sick or something? 2 Stars.
Another RAW recap, but this one involves both the Undertaker and the song ‘In Time’ by Mark Collie, so it is very acceptable. Personally, my dream match was Undertaker/Cena, mainly because my heart would be in my mouth for every near-fall and it seemed like the bigger match. Still, I could never say I wasn’t looking forward to this; my favourite of the announced matches so far, actually.
The Attitude Era vs. The Future Of The Industry (Eventually)
The Usos and Bryan are already in the ring when we return, and here comes both Kane and the New Age Outlaws. Maybe they can get Kane to say ‘suck it’ again? Ah, apparently not. Billy Gunn starts off against Daniel Bryan, getting a headlock on, gets shot of the ropes and shoulder-bumps Bryan to the mat before getting hit with a knee and then a lot of kicks. Jey comes in off the tag, hitting a blow from the second rope to Billy’s arm. Billy backs him into the corner, tagging in Kane. Hard Irish whip on Jey Uso to the corner, then a tag to Road Dogg following a wicked uppercut. Punches from Road Dogg, but Jey ducks, then hits Road Dogg with a clothesline, tagging Jimmy in as they drop the double elbow. Jimmy goes for the Samoan superkick, but Road Dogg bails and hugs Billy close on the outside. Kane comes out to middle-management this situation, and the commentators are all quiet, so I think British TV is broadcasting during the ad-break again. It’s like having the WWE App, and I can’t see the appeal.
Road Dogg finally gets back into the ring, hitting some punches on Jimmy, but the Uso takes control, tagging in Jey. Snapmare to Road Dogg, and Jey locks the arm at the shoulder. Road Dogg manages to get out of it, but gets hit right back down with a headbutt. Jimmy tags back in, and Road Dogg hits a knee to the stomach, a snapmare and a running dropkick. He tags in Billy Gunn, who beats Jimmy down in the corner before eating a hip toss, an armdrag and a chop to the chest. Jimmy slides out of the ring off an Irish whip, pulling Road Dogg off the apron. Road Dogg was not the legal competitor and that makes Jimmy a bad man. Billy catches Jimmy as he comes back in, hitting a tilt-a-whirl slam for a two count. Kane tags in, booting Jimmy in the face as Michael Cole comes off like a jealous girl that Triple H no longer wants to talk to because of one cancelled interview. Clothesline to Jimmy in the corner, then an uppercut. Road Dogg tags back in as JBL asks ‘what would happen if Zack Ryder challenged the Undertaker?’ 21-1, John; that’s what would happen. Sidewalk slam to Jimmy for a near-fall. Jimmy hits a jawbreaker, but Kane boots Bryan off the apron and clotheslines Jimmy, tagging Road Dogg in again, who knocks Jey off the apron before Jimmy hits his Dragon Whip. He crawls across and makes the tag to Daniel Bryan.
Bryan in with a flurry, dropkicking Kane off the apron and hitting a bunch of kicks to Billy before backflipping out of the corner off an Irish whip and hitting his clothesline. More kicks to Billy before Road Dogg tries to interfere and gets thrown out, then Billy gets dropkicked out of the ring. Bryan tries to dive out, but Kane takes him down with a clothesline, and goes to chokeslam both of the Usos, but they hit him with stereo Samoan superkicks. Both Usos dive out of the ring, hitting Road Dogg and Kane respectively. Billy hits the Fameasser, but Bryan kicks out. Bryan then rolls out of a back suplex, gets the boots up into Billy’s face, then hits the CENASLAYER for the win.
That was better than any of the other matches tonight; it seems like they finally got out of the box on this one. It wasn’t great, but it was an improvement. 2.5 Stars.
Well, after a run of really great SmackDowns, I think this has been the come-down. Aside from the Shield/Wyatt segment and maybe the Batista promo, there was not much of interest. I’ll give it a six.
Tags: aj lee, alberto del rio, batista, big e langston, Billy Gunn, Bray Wyatt, Cameron, christian, Daniel Bryan, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, jack swagger, jey uso, jimmy uso, kane, Luke Harper, Mark Henry, New Age Outlaws, Real Americans, road dogg, Roman Reigns, seth rollins, sheamus, Tamina Snuka, The Shield, the usos, Vickie Guerrero, wyatt family, Zeb Coulter