The Bachelor 2014 – The Women Tell All Recap

I could call this blog post ‘Top Moments of The Women Tell All’, but that would imply that there were actually ‘top’ moments of what turned out to be a modern day version of 12 Angry Women, collectively offering sound relationship advice to a dejected and defensive Juan Pablo Galavis

So I won’t refer to it as a ‘top’ anything (unless we’re talking about how Nicki and Clare like it in the fantasy suite), and I also won’t attempt to write a super-long post based on about eight bullet points I managed to squeeze out of last night’s episode.  Instead, I’ll just call it highlights – that’s pretty all encompassing, right?  Highlights can be good, or bad, but nevertheless memorable.

So here we go – Highlights from The Women Tell All – brought to you by Babe From the Burbs.

1)      I expected anything having to do with going down to be happening under carefully perched blankets and behind fantasy suite doors this season, so you can imagine my surprise when Juan Pablo seemed to be the one sinking like the Titanic last night.  Every question he answered seemed to sink him deeper and deeper until just his hands could be seen above the surface, flailing, and gargling his last ‘ees okay!!!……’

2)      I missed the first third of the show.  About 37 minutes to be precise.  It’s not my fault.  I assumed that my PVR would recognize that The Women Tell All is just as much a part of any season of The Bachelor as Lucy’s nipples are to camera time.  But, alas… you know what happens when you assume, right?  So, I missed 37 minutes.  To me, that is a highlight.

3)      Along the same lines of ‘things I missed’, apparently, I missed a visit from – wait for it – Sean and Catherine!  How those two found time to take a break from their endless list of publicity appearances to showcase the sheer and utter joy of being blissfully married and de-flowered with yet another publicity appearance is just beyond me.  What can I say?  They’re givers.  The fact that I missed having to sit through an interview with them is a definite highlight for me.  Huge.

4)      Sharleen – eyebrows and all – playing the martyr for team Juan Pablo and endlessly defending him.  Sure, Sharleen – he took the time to get to know you and ask questions about your life, but in his defence that could be because you’re the only interesting girl in the bunch.  I mean come, on, you’ve got mundo.  That doesn’t just grow on trees.  Interesting that Sharleen chose to openly mock JP on Twitter last week during his showdown with Andi, yet jumped to his defence repeatedly last night.

5)      What was up with all the drunk chicks who barely made it past night one getting all the attention???  Between Victoria lambasting him for using his language barrier as an excuse, and Lauren H trying to lecture him on something – I’m really not clear what – the night quickly became a snooze-fest.   Get off my screen, bitches.

6)      Gotta love him finally getting busted, from at least every other stool for conveniently using words like ‘fair’ respectful, and ‘role model’ as excuses for not making out with the girls he wasn’t into.  It truly has been fascinating watching him go from penetrating half the girls in various bodies of water, to playing the ‘I have a daughter and can’t be a bad role model’ card when the likes of Chantal and Lauren S. tried to make out with him.  Did you think you wouldn’t get called out on that?  Maybe the word ‘Camila’ translates to ‘I’m just not that into you.’  Think about it.

7)      Cassandra – seriously.  You looked like a Monster High Doll.  I was actually scared.  Did you put on your makeup in the dark?

8)      Renee – you are gorgeous – inside and out.  Apparently you are also now engaged to another guy – so you might also be a bit of a slut.  But that’s okay.  You still rock.

9)      Kelly – you dog-loving, gay rights activist you…what can I say?  I wish we had seen more of you all season long – you certainly provided comic relief when you did get screen time, and your emotional display about Juan Pablo’s anti-gay comments relating back to your gay parent certainly hit a nerve.  The question is – do you really want to spend an hour with JP while he tries to explain himself to you?  Is this a mountain worth climbing?

10)   Lucy – what the hell?  I can’t even imagine where you pulled that ‘we all want to be treated equally’ plea from – like literally where did you pull it from since we know it’s not hiding in your clothes.  You spent the entire season naked so clearly equality isn’t top on your list.  We had high hopes for the drama you’d cause at the beginning of the season and you didn’t deliver, girlfriend.  The Women Tell All?  Too little, too late.

11)   Andi – once again, good on you, girlfriend.  You held the right mix last night of reaffirming all of your negative comments about JP that have been popping up all over the  internet and even coming up with some news ones, like accusing JP of not using the word ‘wife’ often enough (nitpicking much?)  But you also showed your sensitive side, admitting that you did have real feelings for him, and that he made you laugh and you enjoyed each other’s company.  And let’s not forget your Oscar-winning performance of fake-sleeping through a potentially unavoidable romp in the hay with JP in the fantasy suite.  Ladies, we have all been there – fake-sleeping is like a rite of passage, no?  It has to be done with care and diligence if it’s to be done right.  While I do still applaud your efforts to expose this franchise for what it is, and highlight that Juan Pablo isn’t the angelic hottie dad that we all built him up in our minds to be (well, everyone except me – I was never totally on board with him), I fear that you’re going to have to be very careful and some of your comments may come back to haunt you now that you’ve been confirmed as the next Bachelorette.  Let’s see how you handle not getting caught up in the moments and living in a fantasy when it’s you jetting off on helicopter dates while a bunch of hotties line up to feed you grapes poolside.  In fact, back up a bit – let’s see how you handle it when you’re asked to wear a bikini for half the season!  We know how you feel about one pieces!

12)   Oh yeah – they showed bloopers.

So there you have it – the pathetic collection of things I sort of noticed on last night’s episode (excluding the ‘unfortunate’ parts I missed.  Darn it again.

I’m not sure what’s going to go down next week.  On the one hand, the whole scenes of Nicki and Clare crying could be nothing but editing – it could just be both of them having the obligatory pre-final rose ceremony breakdown because they love him so much, want this so bad, etc. and the footage of him walking away could literally just be footage of him walking to the final podium – no big deal, right?

However, there were some glaring absences last night from both Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison and the finale preview.

1)       A smile – We get it JP.  You were pretty much thrown to the wolves last night and it was a lot for your little brain to process.  But usually there is some semblance of joy and excitement on the face of the Bachelor as they approach the end of their journey.  At the very least, I would expect smugness, no?  You didn’t seem happy – at all.

2)      Chris – there were none of your usual final questions for the bachelor.  Usually, the show ends with you asking said Bachelor or Bachelorette if they’re excited/happy/in love/engaged/ – and there was absolutely none of that.

3)      The previews – again – lots missing here.  Usually there’s at least a voiceover or two of the bachelor talking about how he has found the love of his life, can’t wait to start our lives together, can’t wait to see her, yada yada yada…again, none of that.  I don’t think the preview even showed any of him talking at all!  It could be because he has run out of words in his vocabulary and there’s simply nothing left to say – or – dare I say, is he going to pull a Brad Womack and pick neither???

There’s only one more week for us mere mortals to speculate.  And I think at this point, we all know that engagement of break up, predictable rose ceremony or most dramatic rose ceremony ever – ees okay – we’ll make it through.

Till next week!