RAGER’S 10 Thoughts: WWE Raw 4.14.14 (John Cena, Bray Wyatt, Cesaro)

1. WWE pays tribute to the life of Ultimate Warrior by doing the absolute best thing they know how to do: video packages. Warrior’s final Raw appearance is going to be used by WWE for quite some time and will probably mean a lot to fans for even longer.

2. Seriously, WWE couldn’t be bothered to complete an 8-man tournament in one 3-hour episode of Raw? We just had to see a match where Ryback and Curtis Axel won? WWE Creative needs to take some time management classes.

3. A friend of mine (who shall henceforth be referred to as “Beardsly”) who is a recent pro wrestling convert made the following statement during Raw: “Goldust is the Gwar of the WWE and I will never get tired of his pseudo-androgynous alienesque antics.” I was never a fan of Gwar but I feel like I would correct in agreeing with Beardsly. Also, I’m using my executive powers to get Beardsly on a Classy Ring Attire episode very soon…you can thank me later.

4. So how many times is Paige allowed to act surprised whenever time she wins a match? It’s certainly justified when she pinned AJ to win the championship. But after you beat Alicia Fox? You might wanna reign that in.

5. So a while back, Cesaro kept referring to himself as a throwback. Has he reached such a throwback status that he’s now reached a time before entrance music? Oh wait, you guys…I just got an idea to turn Cesaro into the wrestling hipster. Swayze, I’m gonna need your wremix expertise on this.

6. So far, the only thing that has impressed me with Alexander Rusev is his theme music. I was briefly impressed with him at the Royal Rumble. What happened to that? And do we really need another wrestler with a Camel Clutch finish? Sure, he calls it something different but it’s the freaking Camel Clutch.

7. The most heartbreaking thing about Damien Sandow right now isn’t the fact that he was Falcon Punched for no reason, it’s that he wasn’t holding the microphone like a wine glass anymore. It’s like that was his last thread of dignity.

8. See, I gave Cena props last week on THE RAGER and how does he repay me? He gives the Wyatts the Nexus treatment and we get wacky Cena. At least Wyatt is a promo wizard and was able to salvage it a little. I’m assuming Vince really has a thing for shopped photos on the internet of people’s heads on different bodies. First person that find’s Vince’s secret personal Tumblr page gets +10 Charisma and will win this week’s column.

9. According to Stephanie while talking to Kane, employers are really looking for people with no moral code. Apparently I’ve been doing this whole job interview thing wrong. I’m just gonna send pics of phallic objects to the next person that interviews me and if they hire me, they get the real. If any potential employers are reading this right now, please note that my pseudonym is Chris Sanders and my real name is actually Joel Leonard. The real Chris Sanders is an outstanding American that would never send pics of his junk to potential employers. What were we talking about? Oh right, masked Kane is coming back…again.

10. Evolution seems to have a lot more members than I last remembered. And I’m assuming Ric Flair couldn’t make it due to a blading incident on the way to the arena, which was followed by a blading incident on the way to the hospital…and then a blading incident when checking out of said hospital…and you guys see where this dumb joke it going.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

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