The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 04.11.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 04.11.94

Live from Utica, NY.  And apropos for Mother’s Day, MOM is in the main event!  Or, I mean, they could be if they win the totally legit vote.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage.

Diesel v. Virgil

Diesel quickly throws knees in the corner, but Virgil goes to work on the arm.  Diesel puts him down with the sideslam and throws elbows in the corner, setting up the bearhug.  Virgil fights out, but walks into another one as they start trying to get “Big Daddy Cool” over as a nickname.  Never gonna work.  Yet another bearhug as Nash shows the skills that would get him multiple World titles.  Virgil makes another futile comeback, but Diesel boots him down and finishes with the Poochiebomb at 5:20.  ½*

Vince discusses the possibilities for the tag title match tonight while Savage appears to be tweaking out beside him.  This leads to Jerry Lawler getting carried down to the ring, with a young D-Lo Brown front and center as one of the poor jobbers hauling his throne.  Funny bit as the jobbers drop the platform and Lawler takes a pratfall off it.

The King’s Court, with guest Lex Luger.  This is kind of a trainwreck with Luger trading insults with the King for a few minutes before settling in to threatening Mr. Perfect, who it should be noted was still not even medically cleared to wrestle at this point.  Given he was still happily collecting insurance money, there was some balls on Vince to be basically promising a match he couldn’t deliver.  I know, so unlike him.

Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him Sparky) v. Barry Horowitz

Barry bails to escape Sparky’s mat skills, but gets hauled back in and armbarred.  He comes back with an inverted DDT and chokes away in the corner, but Plugg gets all fired up and finishes with a flying kneedrop at 3:06.  I believe it was called the “cam shaft” or some stupid shit.

Meanwhile, some dude with a pen and paper is “tabulating” the results of the vote.  Somehow I’m not surprised.

WWF tag team titles:  The Quebecers v. Men on a Mission

Shockingly, the challengers at Wrestlemania win the “fan vote” here.  I really find it hard to believe that they had to pay Oscar and couldn’t find some freestyle rapper out there who would work for half as much and actually be able to string two sentences together intelligibly.  You could literally have Ahmed Johnson in the same role and he’d do a better job of it.  In fact, I would PAY MONEY to see a rap battle between Oscar and Ahmed.  Mo crotches Pierre to take over and Mabel drops a big fat leg on him, but misses a charge.  Jacques decides to work on the knee, but Pierre walks into a Bossman slam.  Mo gets worked over in the heel corner and we take a break, which Vince is very apologetic about.  Never be sorry for cutting four minutes out of an MOM match!  Mo fights back and makes the hot tag to Mabel, and the crowd inexplicably cares about this for some reason.  Stockholm syndrome, I guess.  Mabel misses a splash and Pierre comes off the top with a shoulderblock that puts both guys down and out.  Mabel with a big fat splash on Pierre into a Mo small package, but Jacques rolls them over and Pierre gets two.  Mabel goes after poor Johnny Polo, leaving Mo to get finished in the ring at 13:31.  This alternated between “boring” and “hot mess”, as the tag scene in 94 was not so good.  *

IRS joins us to remind us once again that tax time is upcoming, in particular Tatanka and his gift tax.

Next week:  Bret Hart v. Kwang!  No 1-900 lines involved.

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