Forever Heel: Lemelson Capital’s Curious Demands For WWE

Editor’s Note: Obviously this is satire, just in case somebody happens upon this and doesn’t get that…

So if you haven’t heard, a private investment group has bought a stake in WWE. Even though the group known as Lemelson Capital has no power to change anything in WWE, they’re still making demands. I talked to Lemelson’s head, Bryan Marx and was given a list of demands. As you read this you’ll notice the investment group seems more interested in the pro-wrestling end of WWE. They almost seem to be a little naïve on how they can make WWE even bigger Anyway here’s some of the ideas Marx assures me will turn WWE around.

1)Bring back the Attitude Era: Mr Marx feels that since the Attitude Era made WWE the most money, then WWE must bring it back. Marx would like the extra money to go to bringing Brock Lesner in full-time, and to hire Bill Goldberg.

2)Force CM Punk into reverse rehab: Marx feels that Raw and Smackdown suffer without CM Punk in the ring. Putting him into a reverse rehab will allow doctors to force Punk into a painkiller addiction so he will be able to wrestle. Marx even notes that men like Hawk, Scott Hall, and Kurt Angle actually wrestled more when addicted to painkillers. I try to explain this is dangerous. Marx tells me to “…grow a dick, ass hole.”

3) Opening of a Chris Benoit Appreciation Museum: Marx says that there will be a sign in the museum stating that Benoit killed his family. The rest of the museum will be devoted to Benoit’s achievements. His biggest achievement being his WrestleMania victory with Eddie Guerro. I tell him this will be controversial, Marx just says I’m “being a fucking pussy, dude.”.

4) Fire fucking Rybaxel right fucking now: Bryan tells me that Ryback is a fucking bully and shitty in the ring. Bryan also says that Curtis Axel has to go because of his constant wearing of his “Better Than Perfect” t-shirt, “…because that shirt is bullshit, man! Such bullshit”, Bryan sobs.

5)Bring back Mohammed Hussan to feud with CM Punk: Apparently this man still believes that Mohammed Hussan was such a great heel that WWE was forced to fire him. Marx can’t seem to remember any of Hussan’s matches, and just refers to him as “A great in ring competitor”.

6) Hire James Storm so he can have one last run in the WWE: At this point I try to explain to Mr Marx, that James Storm was never in WWE. An angry Marx yells “You dumb fuck he was the guy with the fucking Canadian flag, you retard!”

7) Buy TNA: “That way we’ll have Invasion 2” a smiling Marx says, “I mean it won’t be as awesome as the first one, but who can compete with the first Inavasion?”

8) Fire Bo Dallas: “He’s a heel that I just hate. He should be fired.”

At this point I ask if Lemelson is going to demand anything outside WWE’s pro-wrestling aspects. Maybe financial? Marx just says “Quit being a fuckin asshole, dude.”

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