RAGER’S 10 Thoughts: WWE Raw 5.26.14 (Shield, Evolution, Alicia Fox)

1. So Braddox was unceremoniously fired from his GM position. This comes to the shock of many as they were surprised to hear Raw still had a GM for some weird reason even when WWE had at one time 3 or 4 higher ranking power positions featured on the show each week. Nice to also see Kane still takes his Director of Operations duties seriously and handling all of the severance issues. Kane is basically the Sarlacc Pit of the WWE. That’s right, Star Wars references, deal with it. *drops mic*

*picks the mic back up* Sorry, I still have 9 of these thoughts left.

2. Sheamus shaking Cesaro’s limp hand is what I’d imagine an Irish Stranger would look like. Look away, kids, nobody needs to see that…unless you’re into that sort of thing. Just know that if you are into that, I am absolutely judging you but that’s more because you’re looking favorably at Sheamus and that’s just not what this great country is about. America…yolo, right?

3. There was a point where Lawler called Summer Rae a woman but quickly corrected himself and said Diva. I got a chuckle out of it because it furthers my theory that WWE truly believes that DIVAS AREN’T ACTUALLY HUMAN! #conspiracy

4. So Drew McIntyre air-humped towards Torito and then later dragged himself in a seductive manner towards Torito, I have some concerns over where this angle might be going, especially if WWE continues insisting that Torito is actually a bull. These are the sort of things that keeps Zeb awake at night.

5. So nobody is willing to come to JBL’s rescue? How many heart attacks must one have to be eligible for John Cena’s protective services? At least let Heath “Clem Layfield” Slater come out and get his face smashed in with Uncle John. Also, I’m gonna call for a moratorium on Bray Wyatt singing “He’s got the whole world” once this Cena feud is wrapped up. If Bray still feels the need to serenade us, might I suggest this alternative. Are well all in agreement of this? Good.

6. Obligatory Rusev mention so we can have a discussion about how hot Lana is…seriously, she’s starting to drag me away from Renee Young.

7. I don’t Bo-lieve in Bo Dallas because he’s Bo-ring. See what I did there? Guys? I guarantee that in a few months, Boo Dallas will be the new Boo-tista. Apparently interesting personality doesn’t run in the family.

8. So they’ve put off deciding on the WWEWHC status for the 3rd week in a row and now it will be decided at Payback. So in short, it’s been an announcement of an announcement of an announcement of an announcement…I think it’s been the appropriate amount of time for us to be angry about this, right?

9. Consider me an Alicia Fox fan. Why? Because she’s a Diva that’s doing something different and has hardly any affiliation with that reality show…also because I really, truly hate Emma. I know I’ve touched on it in the past and I understand that some of you really dig her but again, I just don’t get it. I was kind of concerned when Alicia made her way to the commentator’s table because she’s taken JBL’s hat, King’s crown and what’s next? Is she gonna scalp Michael Cole? Cole better invest in a cranial cover quick.

Also, Lawler said he’d better “hide his crown.” This might just be me but everything he says sounds like some sort of euphemism.

10. Wanna know how much fans can’t get behind a contract signing main event? Behind Cena and Daniel Bryan, Shield are probably the most over with the crowd but even they couldn’t stop the crowd from falling a COMPLETE DEAD SILENCE during this segment. This wasn’t so much a “go-home” show as it was a “you’re-already-locked-in-a-6-month-commitment-with-the-network-so-go-eat-a-dick” show. Seriously, I would’ve been more entertained by a battle royal match between Roman Reigns and that entire family of desk chairs he demolished (the table would be the manager, of course).

*insert obligatory “BAH GAWD THAT DESK CHAIR HAD A FAMILY” joke here*

Extra Thought: Pour one out for Damien Sandow’s career, he’s the new Charlie Haas.

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