New Rules! WWE Red Wedding Edition (Evan Bourne, Drew McIntyre, Curt Hawkins & Mark Henry)

Welcome to a special edition of “New Rules”, inspired by WWE firing eleven active roster members in a single day!


New Rule #1: I don’t care what anybody says, there’s something odd about this most recent batch of WWE releases. Some sort of pattern that I can’t quite put my finger on…


SD_743_Photo_103marc-harris-bxdwjvccaazvqb-large-1387542490 JTG-WWE-Entrance-Style1 8371539_orig TeddyLong

… OH! I just figured it out.

Many of them weren’t winning or even competing in matches on WWE TV.

I get it now. Never mind.


New Rule #2: Stop saying that Aksana got fired because she accidentally nearly blinded that terrible dancing girl. This guy has been hitting Divas in the face with his stuff on purpose for 8 years and no one’s fired him.








New Rule #3: Who the hell fires TEDDY LONG?


I’m not saying anyone is really going to miss him on TV or anything, but the guy is 67 years old and started his career in wrestling just under 30 years ago.

I mean, if they were really looking to fire aging minorities who’ve been around forever but have accomplished next to nothing on TV in recent years…


Sorry. I’m just saying. At least Teddy Long could descend the ramp and make a tag-team match without pulling something.


New Rule #4: Speaking of Mr. Henry – he could stand to go for some sensitivity training. Yesterday, in celebration of his 18-year anniversary with WWE, he tweeted the following:

“Here we stand 18 years in August. Still here!!!”

This prompted Curt Hawkins, who was one of eleven WWE talent released, to take offence, and respond with the following: 

“Your colleagues lose their jobs & you tweet that? You’re an idiot Mark.” 

Henry then responded with:

“First I don’t often explain my self to no one!But I had no idea anyone got let go,it’s sad.I was asked to post about bday. If not well You know me I’ll handle our biz.”


Obviously, “Mark Henry don’t often explain him self to no one”, but it’s not like he was just being an asshole. He was clearly just “handling our biz” by doing what he was told and being the company man he has always been.

He was asked to post that – on the day that they released 11 people – about his 18 year anniversary – which is 2 and a half months away.

As is his right under the “Asshole Clause” of the constitution.

Even though this proves that his timing is about as solid in the real world as it is in the ring… to be honest, if I were Mark Henry, I’d be celebrating 18 years of being gainfully employed at his age, susceptibility to injury, mobility and skill level too. Not only that, if I were Mark Henry I’d be celebrating simply being able to get out of bed every day since I would have the structural integrity of a Jenga tower.


And finally…

New Rule #5:

WWE needs to realize that pizza isn’t making anyone feel better about layoffs. That’s right, apparently this week at house shows amongst news of the layoffs, WWE provided free pizza for the wrestlers in the locker room after the show. Because when you want to make someone feel better about cost-cutting, you want to ask “what’s the cheapest possible thing I can feed you that’s still technically food?”. Nothing against pizza, but is there really a wrestler in North America for whom pizza is the thing that will make them feel better about being unemployed in a brittle economy and horrendous job market, with a skill set that no stable employer on Earth could possible want besides the one that’s about to fire you?

Is it really going to make you forget that your boss is just one of a long line of millionaires and billionaires who have decided to spend their golden years bitching and moaning about how they’re now ONLY worth 750 million instead of a billion? Is it really going to make you forget that your boss (who is starting to look more and more like that puppet in the Saw movies) spent $97 million dollars in incredibly misguided and failed attempts to get his wife elected to the senate because he just generally distrusts the government because they had questions about steroids and wrestling murders? Is it really going to make you forget that instead of giving you some TV airtime to build your career and have a chance to showcase the skills you’ve worked your entire life at, your boss used that TV airtime to have foreign hot women make fun of the president because he did a campaign ad for your wife’s opponent?


But don’t worry… you’ve got free pizza. Something most people would only consider ordering when it’s late, I’m stoned, and I’m out of peanut butter.



This has been “New Rules”. Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

I’ll be in my trailer.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,