The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 09.26.94
Live from Utica, NY, thank god.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage. Much like Vince, I fought off the onslaught of the greatest legal mind of our time today and emerged a better person for it. Truly I’m everyone’s hero.
Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Tatanka
So Tatanka, after rocking the suit last week, is back in his usual gear and with his usual music, pretty much killing this heel deal out of the gate. Today, this would be a slam dunk title change, with the new hot heel getting the secondary belt ASAP. They exchange chops in the corner and Ramon dumps him. Randy Savage points out that Razor Ramon would never sell out, much like Lex Luger. Until both did. Really, though, there’s kind of a logical fallacy there on the part of the announcers, in that they make the assumption that since Luger didn’t sell out on this one specific occasion, it means he never would. If Dibiase wanted his services so badly, why stop trying? Yet another reason why Dibiase sucked as a top level manager. Back in, Tatanka tries to work on the back, but puts his head down and gets caught. Question: Why did we never get a Ramon-Savage team dubbed the Macho Men? Someone should steal Daniel Bryan’s time machine and get on that. Also, while you’re back in 1994, register pwinsider.com and then sue for copyright infringement back in the present. Tatanka puts Ramon down with deadly chops and drops an elbow for two. Ramon tosses him again to cut him off as this must rank up there with the most ineffective heel debuts ever. Tatanka can’t get back into the ring because Ramon keeps cutting him off, but finally he gets a cheapshot and takes over with nothing. No wonder he was such a colossal flop as a heel. We take a break and return with Tatanka working him over with still more chops and a devastating series of bodyslams, which get two. And then we get that terrifying of all heel moves, the abdominal stretch. Back to working on Ramon’s back, but this time it is Ramon who does the abdominal stretching. Ramon makes the comeback with a backdrop suplex, but stops to chase after Ted Dibiase and gets jumped on the floor. Lex Luger brawls in the aisle with Bam Bam Bigelow, and Tatanka goes to help like a MORON and gets counted out at 16:37. What kind of a fucking loser heel gets beat up all match and then loses by COUNTOUT? Isn’t Dibiase’s whole purpose as a manager out there supposed to be telling his guy to get back in the ring before the babyface? *1/2
Meanwhile, Paul Bearer and Undertaker think that on the Hart Attack tour, it might be Yokozuna who has the heart attack. Well that’s uncomfortable.
Kwang v. Sonny Myers
Kwang pounds away on the jobber while Vince talks about various sports stories from the week, which is kind of funny in retrospect given that we know how little he pays attention to the outside world. Clearly he had someone feeding him that stuff. Kwang finishes with something at 2:00, I think. Probably a kick. Seems right.
The King’s Court with the British Bulldog. Lawler makes a bunch of stupid dog jokes until a roid raging Bulldog threatens to murder him, at which point Jim Neidhart interrupts and challenges him to a match next week. I seriously think Bulldog was amped up on some sort of illicit substance here because he took it WAY over the top. It’s like “Dude, he was just making lame dog jokes, take it down a notch.”
The 1-2-3 Kid v. Gary Davis
Mr. Bob Backlund delivers a present to Randy Savage while I willfully ignore the match, which turns out to be a dictionary so that Savage can “procure his discourse”. Why did this not lead to a match? Kid finishes the guy with the Lightning Legdrop at 3:35.
Meanwhile, King Kong Bundy returns soon. It’s the New Generation!
Diesel & Shawn Michaels v. CHRIS KANYON & Bob Starr
Ha, I knew that jobber looked familiar! Kanyon gets beat up in the corner by Diesel and tags out to Starr, who gets elbowed by Shawn. Savage claims gimmick infringement on that one. That’s crazy, like trying to claim a copyright on news. Diesel powerbombs Starr and Shawn comes in for the pin after teasing a big finisher at 3:45. Nice little subtle touch there, with Nash doing all the work and Shawn getting the glory. And then we get the historic debut of the NEW HEADSHRINKERS, Fatu and Barbarian, as they attack the champs and chase them off. The terrible ideas just keep coming in 1994.
It’ll always be “The Sionne Era” to me. Is this shitty year of wrestling over yet or what?