THE RAGER! + 10 Thoughts: Money in the Bank/Raw Super Edition (John Cena, Seth Rollins, Chris Jericho)

I know all of this is a bit late and I honestly have no excuse other than laziness. I can’t even blame my tardiness on disinterest because I enjoyed the hell out of Money in the Bank and the following Raw. I shall accept whatever punishment you, my Rageans, deem to be appropriate.

And now I shall spew forth my thoughts on Money in the Bank 2014:

I’m not really going to devote much time into the kickoff seeing as how it was mostly just depressing to hear that Daniel Bryan will be out longer and I’ve been calling Bo Dallas a boner since day 1 of his WWE debut but it’s nice to see people join me. But seriously, Bo’s last stuff with NXT got a legit chuckle out of me so maybe I’ll actually give him a chance on the main stage “with the lights on bright, Maggle” as JBL would say.

The Uso vs The Wyatt Family
It’s been said before but these two teams can pretty much put on an entertaining match against each other in their sleep at this point. I really thought The Wyatt boys were gonna win it here but I suppose the main focus needs to be on Bray, especially considering what went down on Raw the following night. The Usos are just fun, plain and simple, and they put in the time and deserve a lengthy run. That being said, I can’t imagine another CoDust (or GoldStar, as Joel likes to call them) tag team title run would be too far from now.

Paige vs Naomi
This was a very enjoyable match for me because Paige is Paige and Naomi has continuously impressed me in the ring every time I see her. The only way to make this match better for me would be to just remove all things Cameron. We all know they’re going to break up soon and as talented as Naomi is, I have my doubt she’s talented enough to carry Cameron and make me give a crap. I’m also not looking forward to this break up because that means we’ll get at least one more segment where Cameron will have a live microphone. I would rather listen to Brock Lesnar bumble through a 15 minute Shakespearean monologue while yelling with his Vickie Guerrero-like shrill voice than listen to Cameron say “actually” a billion more times.
However, once Naomi sheds Cameron, I’ll look very much forward to a future Diva’s title reign from her.

Damien Sandow vs Adam Rose
Everything about this match made me sigh to the point of asphyxiation (it’s not a sex thing with me, I swear). The funny thing about all this is that it seemed to take a couple years for people to lose faith in Sandow whereas Rose came and sank like a Brodus-shaped rock almost immediately. All loss of faith aside, Damien Sandow did a springboard backflip dressed like Paul Revere. Mad respect, bruh.
Also, the bunny seemed to take one too many “bumps” before the match, if you get what I’m saying. Also, said bunny got new eyes and looks terrifying…he’s 2 steps away from Frank.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Easily the match of the night for a variety of reasons, the majority of which seem to belong to Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins seeing as how two of the best spots of the match was the superplex from the overly tall ladder and the Rollins drop onto the horizontal ladder that led to a few more bumps than he probably intended. Kofi did his Kofi thing, as we’ve all come to expect while Jack Swagger did his best not to muck it all up and accidentally break someone. The ending was a bit “meh” for me as I would’ve liked for Seth to have found a way to win either cleanly or take a cheap shot to take out Dean for good at the very end. But I get it, WWE is on this massive Kane kick right now so why the hell not, right? Kane is essentially the Authority’s golem at this point.

GoldStar vs Ryback & Curtis Axel
I love the crap out of Stardust but for the love of grilled cheesus, put them in a different freaking match, I’m begging you. This is starting to feel like Christian vs Sheamus…or Sheamus vs Del Rio…or Orton vs Christian (if you’re seeing the pattern, move up 12 spaces).

Rusev vs Big E
Before we get to the match itself, I must point out the moment that got the biggest pop of the night from everyone watching at my apartment. It happened when a fan picked the absolute best moment to raise his/her glorious sign. Father Putin would be proud.
This match made me realize why I love Big E so much, it’s because he’s a huge guy but his brain doesn’t compute that he’s a big guy and throws himself around like a much smaller man. That being said, I really don’t want to see him throw that spear onto the floor again because each time looks like he spiked his head into the mat. This is the kind of match that Rusev should’ve been in months ago. Anybody can pummel jobbers, it’s much more impressive to see newcomers hold their own against higher ranks talent. Sure, that might mean the newcomer will lose closely contested matches against the upper card but since when has wins and loses truly mattered in WWE?

Layla vs Summer Rae
MVP of this match was Fandango. Seriously, just let him revert back to his Dirty Curty days of NXT Redemption and watch your ratings soar. Okay, they may not soar but hot damn, I’ll be entertained as balls.

WWEWHC Ladder Match
Very entertaining match and would’ve been match of the night if there wasn’t a ladder match earlier in the night. Most memorable things for me was watching Cesaro just hang everywhere. First there was him hanging for a long time off the belts with one arm and then when he got hung out to dry in what can only be described as an IKEA-like ladder contraption. Also, Randy Orton bled…a lot. Could’ve gone without the typical super Cena finish with the double decker Attitude Adjustment but, again, we saw it coming but we got a good match out of it and was WAY better than the original WWEWHC ladder match back at TLC.

Moving onto…

RAGER’S 10 Thoughts: WWE RAW 6.30.2014

1. Cena’s reaction to being on the cover of WWE 2k15 was pretty much the exact same as that of my own. Seriously, don’t expect me to get excited about a WWE video game until I see an actual gameplay trailer and graphics that don’t look like they were developed for a Commodore 64. Seriously, I’ve started playing Game Dev Tycoon a few weeks ago and I’m running a billion dollar development company in less than 50 years, I feel like I’m expert on the subject now. Side note: Stephanie dancing and singing along to Cena’s music gave me the weirdest Bo-ner.

2. Having Zeb turn his pro-American character face against Lana and Rusev is as about as perfect as it can get. Sadly, he manages for Swagger and it’ll all be for nothing soon because there’s no way Swagger is going over Rusev anytime soon. Seriously, Rusev would have to be caught with about a truckload of weed and accidentally concuss Cena, Brock, a newly returning CM Punk and Roman Reigns in the same night during the Raw before Wrestlemania 31 before he lost a match to Swagger.

3. Okay, so I really enjoyed this week’s Raw as a whole but they featured AN ENTIRE MINUTE OF SILENCE during Bo Dallas’ schtick. How drained for ideas must the writers be? And what was that idea pitch like? And why wasn’t Vince first reaction to reading that in script not to find said writer and kill them with fire? These are the things that keep me awake at night…that and the constant dripping going on outside my bedroom wall because the gutters are crap and even though it hasn’t rained for about a week.

4. Vacant strikes again once he was stripped of the WWEWHC. He sent out his doom-spawn Jack Swagger and took out Bad News Barrett. Handling vacant mid-card titles this way is so much better than just having two random mid-carders face off for the belt. I feel like having a special type of match makes the title seem a little bit more important. That being said, pirate Cesaro is clearly the obvious choice for this. If we don’t see a return of at least the Bad News podium, I’m gonna be pissed.

5. Having a match end during commercial and on the app seems like the dumbest idea since that writer decided to have Bo Dallas squat at the top of the stand for a minute of silence. I get the idea of telling people to go buy the app and the network so that you don’t miss moments like that but then they’re gonna bitch out and just show the replay anyway. But after the match, it was great to finally see Cesaro go full heel. And I know Cesaro has never technically been a face in WWE but lately he’s been such a tweener that it was refreshing to simply see him pick a side.

6. Damien did a Vince impersonation, maybe he’s not on the verge of being fired after all. Unless that’s what they want us to think…

7. The Miz swerve was pretty fantastic and kinda threw everyone off the Jericho trail long enough for a great surprise for when Jericho actually did come out. I’m highly looking forward to his match against Bray, I just hope WWE brought Jericho back to do more than just job to young talent again. They do kinda need a solid #2 face in the company behind Cena.

8. I’m excited for Dolph getting a feud with Fandango because that’s a feud they’ll actually let Dolph win for once.

9. Just when you thought the “This would be a perfect time for CM Punk to return” theorists lost all of their fuel, AJ returns and wins back the Divas title.

10. Seems like Dean thwarting Seth’s contract cash-ins is gonna be a thing for a while, which is fine, just as long as they kind of pick their spots and don’t overdo it week after week. Also, I was incredibly weary of HHH holding that briefcase after Rollins was run off by Ambrose.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: I’m trying to get back into the habit of running because I’m tired of knowing exactly what underboob sweat is like.

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