Does anyone else out there feel like Nick is being villainized unnecessarily? Is he really that bad? Usually I can pull a previous season’s example out of the vault to showcase what I mean, but in this case, either I’m getting old, or my brain has started dumping the useless bits of knowledge living in my mind to make room for the really important stuff – you know, like how many towels and bathing suits I need to send to camp on a daily basis with my kids. One towel, two bathing suits? Two towels, one bathing suit? First world problems…
But back to Nick. I like him. I really do. Are there tiny little accessorized alarm bells going off when I see him in a fringed scarf or capri sweatpants? Yes – but it could be just because I’m jealous of his wardrobe. When Andi announced that Nick was getting the one-on-one, the awkwardness was palpable. Even Nick seemed confused, but luckily he pulled himself together in time for them to stop by yet another mediocre looking food stand to purchase a square of pizza that looked like it came out of any party size box at a birthday party. It’s actually killing me.
Despite the wonder of Venice and the extreme beauty around every corner, I love how Andi manages to reel every date in and focus on the hard, real questions, whether they’re sitting on a gondola being guided by a very bored looking paddler (goldolier? That has got to be the least stressful job in the world), or in a helicopter, or on a train through the country side. I’m pretty sure she has severe issues making eye contact with pretty much all the guys, but at least she’s talking to them which is a lot more than we can say for previous bachelors or bachelorettes. Like – a lot.
The stars must have been aligned because finally, Andi pulls an evening look together that we can be proud of too. Her dress – though I’m not sure there’s really a fit for it in the US any place other than the Oscars or the MET gala – was perfect for the occasion, as was her makeup and simple earrings. So proud of her. Not a turtleneck in sight.
I have to give Nick major props for how he handled the conversation at dinner. Andi was looking for him to take responsibility for the allegations made by the other guys, and not only did he, but he was able to convey without any arrogance at all, that he is in fact, a front runner while using words like grateful, cherish, and fortunate. Not to mention, it looked like he had to get through his whole speech while he appeared to be getting jerked off by Andi under the table. And on an empty stomach too! Impressive!
I would have been much happier to just watch them eat those plates of congealing pasta in that beautiful room than go off to ‘the masquerade ball’ (#it’snotaballifyou’retheonlyonesthere), but what’s a one-on-one date without some sort of private performance, right?
The next day, the guys frolick off to their group date without a care in the world and are met face to face by a hard-ass Polish/German/Italian dude and his sidekick in a torture museum for lie detector tests. Super fun, right???
In real life if you’ve been dating a chick for, oh I don’t know, five weeks or so and she’s all like ‘yeah I’m gonna need you to take a lie detector test for me before we go any further,’ I don’t think you’d be all ‘no prob, Babe, I’ll just stop by to do it on my way home from Whole Foods.’
What is wrong with people? Sure, I get that she’s going for the truth – but she didn’t even open the results, and instead we, the viewers are now left to deal with some pretty harsh facts. I’m not talking about Chris’s deep dark secret, that he’s the secret admirer (yawn)…I’m thinking more along the lines of Dylan NOT WASHING HIS HANDS WHEN HE GOES TO THE WASHROOM. Excuse me? Dost mine ears deceive me? Did I just hear you answer no to that question, with as much ease as if you had been asked to confirm your name? Like you were born to let that cat out of the bag?
Um…EW DYLAN. Here’s a crazy thought, buddy. Maybe if you WASHED YOUR HANDS every now and then, you wouldn’t, oh I don’t know, feel so sick that you had to leave your group date? You know there’s a connection between the cloak of bacteria circling your body like pigeons in Piazza San Marco and the fact that you have to rush back to your hotel room to likely have raging diarrhea…and then not wash your hands. I mean, I expected some deep dark secrets to be revealed through the test, but this…just…no…
Once I (sort of) regained my composure, I could focus on the panic of Josh freaking out. Whoa there, buddy. Back away from the ledge. I’m starting to panic a bit over Josh because he is too hot for me not to like him. And the sad thing is, I actually don’t think he has any secrets to hide – he was just losing his shit unnecessarily. By the end of the episode he had sort of gotten back onto her good side, but you can tell there is some uneasiness there and it looks like it’s only going to get worse next week. Eek.
By far, the award for one-on-one time for this episode goes to Brian. Could his self-administered lie-detector test have been any cuter? I felt like a fan on the sidelines cheering him on, as he was finally able to confidently take control, plant one on her, and be adorable and funny all at the same time. Brian sky-rocketed in my books last night. Though he isn’t the best looking one in the group, he is most likely the most ‘real’ out of all of them. With Brian, I think you know what you’re getting and what you’re getting is likely a loving husband, an amazing dad for your kids and a pretty sweet, happy life together. What more can a girl really ask for?
As adorable as Brian’s one on one time was with Andi, I can apply the same vigor to the exact opposite opinion of Marcus. Not only is his tongue once again, beyond disgusting – like I actually shiver when I see him readying it for another assault and my body tenses up in preparation for it – but really? Every time they sit down together it’s the same thing. He tells her he’s trying to be open and put himself out there. She tells him he’s doing a great job. He tells her he’s basically in love with her even though they’ve spent six minutes together, then he licks her face and she moves on. BO-RING.
By the time she rolls around to her one-on-one time with Josh and Chris, she can barely walk – I’m assuming it’s the heels on cobblestone and not that fact that she’s wasted. Chris admits that he’s the secret admirer (who cares?) and acts all sweet, but then turns around and drops the F bomb left, right and center when JJ starts whining about having to pretend to be happy for others when they receive the date rose. Interesting Chris – you milk cows with that mouth? Wait, what?
The next morning, Cody gets ready for The Farewell Tour by donning his finest deep V. We should have known things weren’t going to end well when Andi showed up in yet another turtleneck (I don’t make this stuff up, people) and some sort of skirt/skort contraption that reminded me of Cinderella’s dress that the mice worked so hard to make once her evil stepsisters ripped it off of her. Bitches.
Somewhere within the first minute, I really needed poor Cody to stop talking about how he was going to turn on his A game and that she’d be falling in front of him deeply in love within minutes of their one on one beginning. I’ve been to Verona and been to that very office (and yes, there is a wall outside of it with a million post-it-notes featuring couples declaring their love for each other – mine included for all of eternity).
Poor Cody. I was actually pretty surprised at how articulate he was with both of his letters – and my heart just broke for him throughout the date. He actually seemed like he was about to burst into tears of joy every second he spent with her and then at dinner time, he got all dressed up for her with – wait for it – another deep V, this time with a sport coat. Too bad he didn’t choose a more exciting outfit for me to focus on, as I had to do a triple take to make sure Andi wasn’t naked. Did anyone else think her pants were basically invisible? Clearly, though camel isn’t her colour, camel toe and Andi seem to be quite close friends. Wishing all of us out there good luck in erasing that memory.
But back to Cody. Shame. The second they sat down to dinner, he burst into a monologue about how Andi is the one for him and how he can’t wait to make the intros to his family and she was just all like ‘Stop. Just Stop.’ Did he not see her basically crying as he was talking??? I have to hand it to her – again. She really is authentic and I think she handles every goodbye with sincerity. And I’m sure Cody left with some nice parting gifts anyways – perhaps some chest wax?
Finally, the next night, the boys have their game faces on. Nick once again offends the guys by focusing on his own relationship with Andi rather than concerning himself with the other guys’ success but scores huge points with Andi in doing so, JJ awkwardly kisses her, Josh fumbles to get back to the place they were in previous episodes, Brian recites a random list of things that he hates that’s supposed to make Andi feel good and we all pretend that Andi’s not wearing a racer back dress. Fine, points for sexy side boob, but keep that look in the gym, okay girlfriend?
So big surprise – JJ gets the boot. Hopefully, he’s developed some fans along the way, because he actually is a sweet, good looking guy – even if he was wearing short pants and purple shoes.
Next week, things are not looking good for Josh and Andi, so I’m calling Nick and Brian for the final two right now. What do y’all think? See how I did that?
Till next week!
Tags: the bachelorette