Bachelor In Paradise: Season Premiere Review – #sorrynotsorry

So here’s the thing.

I’m sitting here, drinking my wine, laptop perched, with all the good intentions in the world, as Chris Harrison, in his crisp powder blue suit welcomes us to paradise.

With every arrival of the ‘contestants’, my fingers furiously travel across my keyboard, trying desperately to capture it all, while still allowing the series to engulf me in its warm embrace.

But suddenly, my fingers are just not fast enough.

Not fast enough to throw out the gem that Sarah’s gone out on a limb for a second chance at love.

Not fast enough, to cringe with every pseudo-suggestive nuance of Michelle (psycho, not Money’s) elusive remarks.

Not fast enough to shudder as Lacy’s Vienna-Girardi look-a-like, smile even while crying, competes with her actual boobs, side boobs and under-boobs.

Not fast enough to mock the varying degrees of short pants sported by the guys, ranging in style from ‘casual capri’, to ‘my mom accidentally packed my childhood baseball uniform’.

Not fast enough to yell ‘Run!’ at the top of my lungs to Graham, as I watch him hand a rose to AshLee, despite all signs pointing to Cray Cray while she runs after him in the wind, her labias flapping behind her with the last traces of, oh I don’t know, 70% of the male ‘Bachelor Family’ members lingering on her since she got ditched on Sean’s season.

Not fast enough to capture gems like Lacy’s mathematical calculation of her interest in Robert versus Marcus (80/40???)

Not fast enough to marvel at Elise’s utter inability to walk in wedges, which are like, the answer to every girl’s prayers who loves heels but can’t walk in them?

Not fast enough to shield my eyes from Marcus’s bathing suit.

Not fast enough to block out phrases such as ‘lovin’ on him’, ‘kissin’ on him’ and ‘vibin’ with him’ that 30+ year olds just should not say. And don’t even get me started on conversating. Conversating???

Not fast enough to capture how Michelle Money can be so gorgeous, yet so Florida flea market about her wardrobe and hair (seriously – it looked like she was going for forest fire chic at the rose ceremony.)

Not fast enough to fully appreciate the fact that Clare poured her heart out to a racoon and a pack of fire ants, and somehow, they gave her the answers she needed to change her mind about the date card.

Not fast enough to take a moment to really, fully absorb just how mean it was for Ben to literally say out loud ‘this sucks’ as he is left with the final task of choosing Sarah or Daniella.

Not fast enough to puke violently as Chris Bukowski saunters into paradise on next week’s teaser.

Not fast enough.

So again, here’s the thing. I’m going to be really honest with you and more importantly, honest with myself. This summer has been fucking busy and stressful. I had visions of a lighter workload, and a lighter BMI as I head into bikini season with Nicki Minaj at my side to coax me into bronzed bliss from a mid-day run. Instead, I’ve been dealt more than a full plate and the feeling that there are days – sometimes multiple days at a time – where I don’t breathe fresh air other than to walk my kids to the camp bus and then rush back for a conference call.

And seriously – it is literally impossible for me to capture every single amazing, ridiculous, cringe-worthy, awkward, hopeful, adorable, and vile moment this show will no doubt offer us. Even with tonight’s episode – I didn’t even get a third of it. How can I possibly begin to do you justice with a recap and feel like I got it all? It’s not possible. Try it. You’ll see.

Let me paint this picture for you. So maybe, just maybe, I squeak out a blog tonight, or tomorrow morning, before I do a full week’s worth of work in three days so I can head out on vacation Friday and leave it all behind. But then next week, I’m at the cottage, missing episode two, but enjoying a desperately needed vaca ­with my family. The following Monday, I’m back from vacation just in time to fill up an empty fridge, do eleven loads of laundry, check 1000 unread emails, oh, and watch two episodes in time to be back at work Tuesday morning and write a blog???

I’m writing this blog tonight, to soften the blow a bit. I’m hoping some of you will read this now so I don’t have to break your hearts in the morning when you wake up wondering what I’ll say about this or that, only to read this and be all like – Um…is she trying to tell us she is skipping this season???

Yup. That’s pretty much what she’s telling you. And she is me.

I just want to watch and be a fan this time around. Is that okay? To quote Marquel, this episode actually ‘over-exceeded’ my expectations, so I think it’s only fair if I just get to enjoy it going forward, right? If you were really my friend, you’d support me. And just to be clear, this is not whining, this is Jewish guilt, 100%. Sidebar: If you have to say to yourself ‘over-exceeding? What’s wrong with that? Makes sense to me!, please unfriend me, or lose my number or something drastic to show that we are not friends STAT.

So to recap, just in case you’re dumber than shit – me breakie, we watchie, no bloggie. You no hate me. Me love you long time. We all have good summers and get the hell off our computers and get outside and ideally, live happily ever after (or at least get a decent tan before the polar vortex visits us once again and we all go into hibernation).

Amen to that? Yes. Amen to that.

Happy summer everyone (what’s left of it)! I’ll miss you (but not).