Forever Heel: WWE Grasps at Straws to Survive Beyond 2016.

With TNA losing its TV deal and ROH closing its doors on Sunday, you have to wonder how WWE is going to survive the assault by the SWD (Smarks for Wrestling Darwinism). It’s obvious that within a year pro wrestling will be dead in North America. I hope it happens because WWE refused to build their company around Miz, and TNA never gave Robbie E the lengthy title run he deserves. That’s why I think pro wrestling should die because my favorite wrestlers aren’t being pushed and given titles, while Cena and part-timers like Brock Leaner are getting everything handed them.

Sadly WWE has a list of ideas that may save the business, and the list was leaked online. You can read the whole list somewhere else, but I wanted to focus on some of the bigger aspects of this list. Remember this list came straight from Vince McMahon’s desk, and I can vouch for its authenticity because I have a valid California state I.D.

My Genius Ideas for 2015: by Vince McMahon, and CJ (Vince McMahon’s cat)

1) Since John Cena is the only guy on the roster that brings in any money, John will be receiving his own custom championship belt. It has this cool spinning WWE logo on it, and all these diamond encrusted jewels on it. The WWE Unifans will love this belt it’s built to last a decade or more.

2) I think the best way to cut costs is to fire all Canadian employees. Yeah that’ll show Bret who’s boss, that bitter asshole. Punch me in the face will yah. I’m going to hire Teddy[Hart] still, and make him tag champion with JTG. I hope I haven’t fired JTG? I sometimes go nuts firing people when I get nervous.

3) I’m toying with the idea of making Goldust a millionaire playing character, since he’s not in any storylines right now, and I fired Cody last year. I think Goldust will need a custom belt of his own. We can call it “The Million Dollar Belt”, and he can carry it around until I have him drop it to Shawn in England.  I sometimes stun my genius with my own genius.

4) Toward the Spring/Summer of 2015 I plan to create “The Division”, a stable of heel wrestlers run by Steph. The Division will take on “The Elite”, which will be run by Triple H. Let’s see TNA top this type of high brow Shit. Get it?

5) I’m firing Darren Young. The reason is I want the LGBT community to wonder if they can trust that I’m tolerant. It’s like how African-Americans don’t know if I’m really racist or just haven’t got around to making another African-American champ? I love doing this shit. I think I’ll also fire Karma, and D-Lo tomorrow, and then hire Ron Killings.

6) We’re actively pitching a WWE film starring David Flair. It’s about a guy that survives a plane crash and is nursed back to health by a bald eagle. The bald eagle turns out to be a former surgeon that lost his ability to perform surgery in a fire. Together David and the eagle hunt down the terrorists that brought down the plane. The lead terrorist will be played by Scott Baio. It’s going to be a hoot.

7) Sting will be debuting in 2015. He’s not going to wrestle because the WWE Universe doesn’t know who is, since he’s never been in WWE, and we all know WWE fans only watch Vince McMahon approved WWE programming. Instead I’m going to use him for another cross promotion with Nascar. This will be the 7th time we’ve failed at this, but Linda keeps stressing that southerners like wrestling, are something? I don’t care really, I don’t run a wrestling business anyway. I make entertainment, like this new film with David Flair. See David’s in a plane crash and this eagle nurses him back to health…

8) I’m creating a new manager that carries a cane, or is it that I’m creating a manager that is carried by Kane?

9) I’m actually going to buy ECW. I mean I could never afford to buy WCW because they’ll never go out of business, with all of Turner ‘s money? So by winter of 2015, EVE and their tape library will be part of WWE. Just think fans will finally be able to see RVD on WWE tv for the first time.

10) Paul told me that my word processor has this computer tv thing on it. The computer super highway, or something? Anyway word processors have tv channels on them now, and Paul and Steph think we could put our tape library on the tv part. It’s going to be called The WWE Network, and it will have the combined WWE and ECW library on it. I asked how this will compete with The WCW Network, but then I see CJ twisting around on the floor being cute. I love CJ. He’s a Cat with balls the size of grape fruits.

Heel of the Week: Brock Leaner and his magical video package.

Top 5 Wrestlers Raised by Gorillas

5)Tank Abbott
4)Sheamus
3)Stan Hansen
2)Khali
1)Lord Alfred Hayes

 

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