The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.05.94

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The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 12.05.94

Brought to you by TYCO.  Shoulda got Geico with your money instead.  But I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger.

Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Shawn Michaels.  This is gonna be…something.

Jeff Jarrett v. The British Bulldog

And in a historic debut, a random “cable puller” accidentally ends up on camera during Jarrett’s entrance and that would lead to JJ finally getting over.  This of course is The Roadie, Brian James.  Jarrett throws knees in the corner, but gets tossed out of the ring for his troubles.  Back in, Bulldog keeps overpowering him as the shitty camera angles reveal that Vince at ringside is not actually talking while Vince on TV is excitedly calling the match.  They’re usually really careful not to do that sort of sloppy camera work.  Bulldog dumps him again while Vince finally figures out that the “ring attendant” is in fact in cahoots with Jarrett.  Bulldog goes up, but Jarrett brings him down with a superplex for two.  Jarrett goes to the chinlock while the Roadie cheers him on, and he follows with a flying clothesline for two.  We take a break and return with Jarrett missing a fistdrop, but coming back with a sleeper.  Shawn notes that he slept through Survivor Series so he should be used to it.  The man was unconscious for nine minutes!  Hardly something to joke about.  Hee hee.  Jarrett with a bulldog for two, and Shawn notes the irony therein.  Jarrett back to the chinlock, but Bulldog escapes with an atomic drop and BAAAAAACK body drop to make the comeback.  Jarrett decides to run away from the comeback, so Bulldog chases him and tosses him back in…only to have Roadie hook his leg from under the ring for the countout at 16:11.  ***  I seem to remember Brian Lee as a roadie for Jarrett before James, but that obviously never made it to RAW.

1-2-3 Kid v. Barry Horowitz

Barry manages a backdrop suplex and butterfly suplex while they mention that Kid & Aldo Montoya teamed up on Action Zone last week.  Basically they lost interest and gave up on the show already, only six weeks into its run.  Horowitz with a cradle for two and Perfect necksnap, but Kid fires back with a leg lariat.  Rolling cradle finishes at 2:52.  Tons of offense for Horowitz here.

Next week’s RAW promo is read by new hire Stephanie Wiand, who lacks ANY sort of gravitas for that sort of voiceover.  But then the match being hyped is Bob Backlund v. Doink, so maybe that’s not surprising.

KWANG v. Scott Taylor

Jesus, haven’t they given up on this gimmick yet?  Savio Vega has to come along pretty early into 1995, you’d think.  Taylor comes on quickly with a dropkick and hiptoss, but Kwang puts him down and goes to the dreaded Vulcan nerve hold.  This squash drags on while we get more Wippleman v. Finkel drama at ringside and you know this isn’t leading anywhere good.  Kwang finishes with a leg lariat at 3:00.

Speaking of the Action Zone, it’s Lex Luger v. Owen Hart in a meaningless match this week.

The King’s Court with Shawn Michaels, who made Diesel everything he is today and carried him to the tag titles.

Meanwhile, Bob Holly crashed his car, but he’ll be back!

Coming soon:  HAKUSHI.  Yup, another foreigner for them to fuck up.

Well Dunn v. The Bushwackers

This would have to be the one and only RAW appearance of Well Dunn before they went back to obscurity.  So this is yet another chapter in the Fink v. Wippleman feud.  Dunn chokes Luke down and they double-team him as Vince announces a TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT to crown new champions.  Woo hoo!  Exclusively on WWF Superstars.  D’OH!  Shawn’s take on the heels:  “I don’t know about these guys, but they’ve got some nerve wearing those t-backs out there.  The one guy looks like he got hit in the rear with a golf shoe!”  I feel like Shawn missed his calling by wasting his career winning World titles and doing blow off strippers’ racks and shit.  Luke fights off the state of the art offense from Well Dunn and makes the hot tag to Butch, but Harvey trips him up.  Amazingly, Steven Dunn gets the pin off that at 5:00.  However, Finkel is so offended at that incredibly lame finish that he protests to Earl Hebner, who proceeds to do nothing.  Because no one in their right mind gives a shit.  *

Mr. Bob Backlund hates clowns, man.  He wants them all dead and shit.  That’s pretty dark, actually.  So next week, Doink meets a bad end at his hands.  One can only hope.