THE RAGER! 50 Classy and Trashy Thoughts: Summerslam 2014

Welcome, friends.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything and I feel like I start most of my columns this way now. However, you couldn’t possibly expect me stay away after this year’s Summerslam, right? And I brought some friends with me. That’s right, all the hosts of Classy and Trashy Ring Attires have made the long trip and even BD’s offspring came along. Yes, PUSSBOT, the WWE-programmed talking Roomba has been let out of it’s cage just so that it can share it’s Summerslam thoughts. Don’t blame me for letting it out of the cage, blame BD and that drunken Canadian night he had with the business end of a vacuum hose (if anything, I hope this article creates and perpetuates a new stereotype that Canadians all do the nasty with vacuums).
Anyway, the rules of this were each person/bot came up with their 10 thoughts independently of each other and weren’t allowed to to see the thoughts of others until the posting of this article.

Buckle up, friends, it’s gonna be a long one.

Kue’s Thoughts…or Kue’s Rekall, if you will (bring it back, already!)
1. I’m glad I’m being rewarded for my getting the Network for $9.99 by an opening promo of Hogan telling me about how I should be getting the Network for $9.99. Thank you for that kick in the balls, Hogan.

2. Given it wasn’t a bad match, I’m not sure what there is to gain from Ziggler winning a second tier title over the Miz, who is portraying a new character. Isn’t that the opposite of pushing a new concept? Either way, not horrible for a space filler.

3. And here is the Divas title match that everyone and their mother will claim is saving the Divas division, though, in truth, is oozing in mediocrity.

4. The only thing memorable about this flag match is the fact that, during the match, X-Pac tweeted “Sell the ankle more Rusev”. A mid-carder from the Attitude Era coaching via Twitter is almost as hilarious as a Jack Swagger face push. And they managed to cram all of it into this match.

5. Ambrose and Rollins was, of course, entertaining as hell. The lumberjacks took away from this match more than it seemed to add. But honestly, I’m not complaining. I’m happy with these two in the ring regardless of the stipulation, but…

6. …the match of the night definitely belongs to Bray and Jericho. From beginning to end, this match had the crowd invested. Dramatic, psychological, and technical enough without losing any flare. And that Sister Abigail on the barricade looks sick. I’m almost inclined to say Wyatt should be the one to get the ‘Mania 31 WWEWHC title win over Lesnar. We’ll see if that opinion changes down the road.

7. And here is the Divas match that actually is the more entertaining. Steph obviously has been prepping for this match. And to be honest, I think I’ve enjoyed this more than any other Divas match this year so far.

8. Reigns/Orton was less boring than I anticipated it to be. I still don’t think the crowd is as behind Reigns as they are Ambrose or Wyatt. Hopefully, they can put him in a more interesting feud after this. God knows he needs one.

9. I rarely say this, but I don’t think Cena/Lesnar could have gone any more perfectly than it did. It was exactly what it needed to be. And you can bet whoever goes over Lesnar will be getting the biggest goddamn pop of the year.

10. Overall, a very solid PPV. But Brock, I barely saw blood, and no urine or vomit either. Vince, I want my $9.99 back. Take it out of Del Rio’s salary.

BD’s Thoughts…I’m sure he’ll use your comments for a new column sometime soon.
01) Anyone else catch the sponsor? We are truly living in the golden age of RIDICULOUSLY specific potato chips. I saw Cinnamon Bun flavoured Lay’s the other day. I have a theory that the guy at Lay’s who runs R & D is an alcoholic that’s just drunk all day long and everyone’s afraid to say something about it. After all, he can quit anytime he wants! Now here, try these – Diet Caffeine-Free Cool Ranch Dorito-flavoured hickory-smoked EXTREME Mountain Dew: Code Deep Cyan.

02) Right. The actual PPV. So, what is it that people were impressed with on this Stephanie / Bella thing exactly? Was it the horrible acting, that both only have jobs due to who they’re related to, that they’re both horrible in the ring, or was it that it ended on a “swerve” is going to result in an even worse feud and storyline where they only way you’ll be able to tell the girls apart is their tit size? Because I saw a headline that said “Stephanie McMahon steals the show”. Well, I watched this whole thing against my better judgement, so how the fuck did that happen, exactly?
Go ahead. I’ll wait.

03) Exactly. It didn’t. Are standards so low now that people will forgive a horrible storyline, nepotism, bad acting and a terrible match just to see Stephanie McMahon beat up? No offence to Steph, because she does do a very good job of being hated, and is very good at receiving Joan Rivers-levels of plastic surgery and looking like she wants to physically bore a hole through the audience with her eyes. But that doesn’t mean I need half an hour from her on a PPV. Guys. Seriously. Please. This was a bad match and feud that ended with one twin turning on the other. We are literally about to have an “evil twin” storyline. Drill me a new ass channel before I’m going to watch the Bellas fight each other.

04) Randy / Roman was better than I thought it’d be. Orton gets my blood pressure to where it’d be if I played Deer Hunter, but Roman is cool. I just didn’t have high hopes for this, but my pessimism was misplaced. Didn’t set the world on fire or anything, but was decent enough for sure.

05) I’ve said it a few times in comments and on the podcast, but Jack Swagger? Fucking really, people? How does this anti-American gimmick keep catching on in the US? It’s like every time we see a spider, we gotta tent the whole house. I’d actually kind of rather the fake Russian dude be able to speak freely than have the Tea Party dude succeed in getting him deported for it. Actually, I don’t give a fuck if this fake Russian dude has a bomb IN the arena. I’ll take my chances with the blast before I watch a Jack Swagger singles run. I bought milk before his last singles run that was still good by the time he flopped. It’s true. I’ll show you the carton. Oh yeah – the match – it was shit.

06) So like… I get that you wanted Cesaro to win. I did too. I get that you want Cesaro higher up the card. I do too. But at least it was a decent match he had with RVD, and why all the hubris over RVD winning? RVD is about 50% as good as he once was, which still makes him 900% better than The Miz.

07) Speaking of… did not see the Ziggler win coming, which was nice. I still think it’s kinda weird to be THIS excited about the dude winning the IC belt from a guy like The Miz given where Zig was a year ago, but still cool. If this whole Miz thing was designed to give Ziggler a rightful yet unexpected win, then fair enough – this is about as useful as he’ll ever be. If he’s going to get the belt back or ascend to fighting with Ambrose or something, let me know and I’ll have someone give him cat AIDS.

08) Ambrose / Rollins was an incredibly good match… especially given the lumberjack stip. Was not expecting that. I suppose if anyone could have pulled it off, it was these two. Just tremendous. Both guys are just doing awesome work right now. I do hope we get a couple straight one-on-one’s out of them before either go anywhere else, but at the very least let’s not waste Ambrose just because he lost. The crowd reaction he got for just springing back and hitting Rollins with a clothesline alone is bigger than most guys get anytime in their career… like, for example, a lot of guys and girls featured on this same card. Go ahead, try to guess which ones!

09) Only one person commented that Shaemus missed this PPV. This means my experiment to replace him with a bag of Folgers Crystals yielded almost the exact results I thought it would.

10) At least Ebola is making a comeback and not Cody Rhodes. He didn’t get on the PPV either.

P.U.S.S.BOT aka BD’s abomination of both man and machine
1. What the heck, Chris? No Sheamus? Remember the good ole days of SummerSlam when Sheamus fought Mark Henry in that five-star classic? And now we can’t even get the BROGUE on the show?! What is that, Chris? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a travesty. A Irish-hating travesty. BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE

2. The main event was on first! The MIZZZZZ! He’s back and more vicious than ever! Did you see that Skull Crushing Finale?! I don’t know how Dolph kicked out. Must be all of those steroids. Then he scammed The Awesome One out of the Intercontinental Championship. Although it was the best match of the night by far. Mainly due to a severe lack of Sheamus. BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE

3. Why does anyone care about this Bray Wyatt guy? He’s just a knock-off Undertaker that DOESN’T have an undefeated WrestleMania streak thanks to my boi John Cena! He fought Johnny boy and couldn’t beat him. Then he fought the dinosaur Jericho and couldn’t beat him. Why should we care that he beat Jericho at SummerSlam when he lost to him last month? Although we should have more fireside chats with Bray except next time with someone more talented than Jericho. Like Sheamus! BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!

4. Although I would’ve like to have seen a normal flag match, this match was alright. I just wish Jack Swagger would’ve won this one. Everyone remember when Jack Swagger ran around with an Eagle Mascot? That was awesome! He needs to bring it back! Although I think Ireland should’ve been represented in this match so Sheamus could’ve kicked Rusev and his ugly manager in the FACE. I actually was made in Ireland. I bet you didn’t know that! BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!

5. Remember when the Divas Division was relevant? I miss those days. We used to have Kelly Kelly, Jillian Hall, and Candice Michelle!!! Do you remember those days, Joel? But now we have an English blinding-me-with-her-skin diva and Miss Skips a lot. Actually they’re both skipping now. Ew. Give me a Kelly Kelly/Mickie James classic any day over this garbage. The only thing that could’ve made this match better would’ve been to have Sheamus be the referee. BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!

6. I love lumberjack matches because we get to see all of the talented wrestlers that are not given time on air like Fandango and Rybaxel. However, this one we had Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins attacking the lumberjacks. Evidently, they don’t know how this match works! In Shield matches, the wrestlers jump the lumberjacks! Still why wasn’t Sheamus a lumberjack?! He would’ve been there to make them act accordingly with just one kick! BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!

7. Then we had another great match! Roman Reigns. Randy Orton. It should’ve been the main event! IT WAS EPIC! The way Orton caught Reigns’ spear! The big superplex! The RKO that Reigns kicked out of! Who does that?! Then wham! A Spear to end Randy! What a great match-up and there’s only thing that would’ve made it better. But I’m sure you know what that is by now… Mark Henry! ‘Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked.’

8. I think Roman Reigns needs just another number to talk about how awesome he is. He’s easily the biggest breakout superstar since my boy Bad News Barrett. Hopefully we will come back soon. Maybe we can have an Elimination Chamber match at Elimination Chamber involving Roman Reigns, Jack Swagger, The Miz, BAWD NEWS BARRETT, Sheamus, and John Cena! Have Mark Henry be the special guest referee! Then have Sheamus win so he can defend the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania! BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE

9. The main event was a great match-up with Brock Lesnar unleashing a wide arsenal of moves including F-5s, German Suplexes, and… and…. punches! Plus how can you forget that way in which Brock sat up like Undertaker and mocked him! Screw the deadman! He’s older than dirt. No one wants to see him anymore thanks to Brock Lesnar. I applaud you sir. But you’re no Sheamus. BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE

10. Altogether it was a meh PPV as any PPV without Sheamus is at most meh. Who knows, maybe we’ll get a team involving Sheamus, The Miz, Bad News Barrett, and Jack Swagger. Call them the Bad News Crew. That’d be AWESOME! Now back to your regularly scheduled programming with Mr. Sanders and Mr. Leonard! Well after your daily dosage of… BROGUE BROGUE BROGUE!

Joel’s Thoughts: that’s right, folks, he still exists in written form
1. In my usual desperate attempt to view everything as the start of an amazing Dolph Ziggler push, I have chosen to view the outcome of his match as thus: Because Brock Lesnar is now champion, but won’t be competing on the same schedule that previous champion Cena was competing on, this hopefully means that the IC title will now be the most commonly viewed title on Raw. And that will happen during the time that it is around the waist of Ziggler. So basically, Ziggler is holding the biggest title on Raw now, right?

2. I’ve been waiting for the inevitable Bella v. Bella storyline since that time where they were competing over what may or may not have been Daniel Bryan’s virginity. (Anybody remember that thing where Gail Kim won the feud?) But now seems like an odd time to implement that. It’s not like the Brie vs. Steph feud has gotten stale yet, and this whole Daniel Bryan infidelity thing just added more to that for Brie to deal with. This was the best time to do a Bella twin fight?

3. Are Kane and Goldust going to fight? Kane and Goldust should fight.

4. Damien Sandow was not a part of any feud, was in no match, and didn’t even have a usual promo bit, but that did not stop the costume thing from happening. I’m still undecided on this whole gimmick so you can feel free to persuade me in whichever direction you prefer, but now matter how you feel, I think we should all be impressed that even just to stand beside the ring in a lumberjack match, Sandow was dressed as an actual lumberjack.

5. Jericho lost cleanly putting over the younger talent. That whole “Jericho winning a match” thing that happened last month was confusing. This is more of what we expect out of Jericho.

6. Lets talk for a minute about replays. At the end of the Miz and Ziggler match, Miz sold that finisher pretty well, especially for Miz. I wanted to see that happen again, and look they showed me a replay of the most devastating move of the match. What missed from the live feed during that time was Ziggler cheering. That was a good use of replay. In the middle of the Brock and Cena match another replay was used. Only this time they missed Brock’s nod to the Undertaker as he sat up. This was a bad use of replays. I know that there is a risk of missing something cool while showing a replay, but you guys, the sport is scripted. Brock offered a subtle nod to his Taker match (and subtly is a rare commodity with Brock) and we all missed it because WWE had to go all replay happy.

7. Every title that was being defended at the event changed hands. When’s the last time that’s happened?

8. So we know that John Cena is going to have his rematch at Night of Champions. And Cena might even win the titles back that night because we can’t have Brock as champion working the schedule that he works. But there is something unique about that upcoming match, thanks to this one. Because of SummerSlam, John Cena actually feels like the underdog rather than the commentators just telling me that he’s the underdog. I can’t even remember the last time that Cena as referred to as the underdog where my eyes didn’t instantly roll.

9. And just to add to that, starting the match out with an F5 was a perfect bit. For the rest of the match, when Cena was too slow, too worn out, couldn’t get on the offensive, it could all be traced back to the fact that he had to kick out of a finisher from the very start.

10. I need to freak out for one quick second here because this was the Brock that I wanted to see. Not the “I have to fight Triple H three times” Brock Lesnar. Not the “I’m breaking everybody’s arm” Brock Lesnar. Not even the “Streak Breaking” Brock Lesnar. No, when it was first announced that Lesnar would be returning to WWE my first thought was about how I could not wait to watch what I remembered to be an unstoppable beast completely and utterly destroy John Cena. And that is what I got to see at SummerSlam. Good job. I give it 9.99/10.

Sanders’ Thoughts
1. It always feels weird for me to actually like a match Miz was involved in because I’ve been conditioned to just naturally hate any match Miz is involved in. But I enjoyed this match a lot and it was partially because of Miz so I will give him his credit. However, Dolph Ziggler, you guys. I mean, c’mon.

2. The Paige and AJ match was a lot better than last month’s match and was a lot closer to what we anticipated when this feud started. I know everyone has been harping on the Charlotte/Natalya match from Takeover but thing that I’ve noticed myself after watching it is that I now expect a lot more out of Divas matches and I think that’s a justifiable position to take. It’s the new standard for WWE Divas matches and sure, a lot of Divas don’t have the talent or experience to pull off a match like that but it should be what they’re striving for. And a big problem with a lot of this is that I think some of these Divas, AJ and Paige included, can absolutely pull of a high caliber match like that if they were just given the time. Had this happened before Takeover, I’d say this Paige and AJ match was the best Divas match in recent memory.

3. Okay, that wasn’t a Flag Match as it was billed, that was a “National Pride Match.” Also, Rusev is doing Swagger a great service by selling that hard for him because nobody actually takes Swagger and his Swaggie Time Ankle Lock seriously. Kicking Zeb at the flag was being put in place was a great heel move too. Seriously, this is Swagger’s one chance to get over and then, who knows, he’ll be around for decades to come as the new Hacksaw.

4. I never thought I’d see the day in which I actually enjoy a Lumberjack match. First of all, you had Sandow dressed as an actual lumberjack so what more do you need? And yeah, there was your typical lumberjack chaos but it was set up by Rollins and Ambrose to actually make sense. Just a super fun match that almost had me clamoring for a Goldust/Kane feud for like half a second.

5. This whole Mama’s Boy nonsense is basically a super silly Tough Enough with just one twig and 100% less Stone Cold. Now if Mama’s Boy had Stone Cold verbally rip him a new one at the end of all these videos, counts me up. However, until that happens, 0/10 would not recommend.

6. Bray vs Jericho really made me feel like they were holding back at Battleground and why wouldn’t you? It’s Battleground and WWE has our $9.99 already. But I liked this match a lot more and reminded me why I like watching Bray in the ring. And Jericho is Jericho, he’ll find a way to deliver regardless of if he has or hasn’t lost a step.

7. And let me just throw this out there, for some reason I was listening to Chris Jericho’s podcast last Friday. And no this doesn’t have anything to do with Summerslam but it’s my article and you all can politely go suck it. But firstly, just because you’re a well spoken former or part-time wrestler doesn’t necessarily mean that you should have a podcast. Don’t get me wrong, being a podcaster myself, I’m a little bit biased when it comes to the wrestling podcast scene being this insanely flooded right now so let’s just get that out of the way. I don’t even know why I was listening to Talk is Jericho because the opening 15-20 minutes is plugging ads, shameless plugging of Fozzy and him going into an absurdly long acapella version of whatever song he could think of that has a cowbell in it (sure it was a funny bit the first 5 times but it’s getting to be a bit much and we’re just ready for the meat of the show). But after all that, Jericho took calls from fans which always drives me insane because they tend to sound like they’re using rotary phones and then ask idiotic questions. And just then, Jericho gets a call from Bray Wyatt in character and then the two take this opportunity to cut promos on each other. It’s odd because Jericho is rarely in character on the show and wrestler guests are never in character when they come on. So we have this awkward serious scripted bit in the middle of “the pod of thunder and rock and roll” and then it just awkwardly ends and Jericho is riding the struggle bus all the way to an ad read. See, Colt Cabana really got it right in Art of Wrestling, he takes care of all the plugs and ad reads at the top of the show, gets them out of the way and doesn’t awkwardly edits another ad read in the middle of the interview. In the wrestling podcast world, Colt is god and flawless while Steve Austin is alright in most occasions and Jericho is just bad on most occasions. I haven’t heard JR’s podcast but I’ve read nothing but terrible reviews of it. And I know this can be seen as me just looking down my nose at these far more popular podcasts and poke holes all over the place but I really needed to get all that out. How many of you have I lost?

8. Honestly, with the way Stephanie looked in the ring, had someone said they were gonna do a finish in which Stephanie pinned Brie clean, I would’ve completely believed it and almost would’ve preferred that to the parade of shenanigans that we got. Seriously, it wasn’t 5 stars or a completely polished match but it was miles and miles beyond what I was expecting out of Steph going in. And the Nikki swerve was predicted by many a few weeks ago and felt pretty inevitable so we might as well get it over with. The Bellas’ acting is like you took two cardboard cutouts of “generic soap opera stars A and B,” tape mics to them and put them in the ring for 20 minutes. We really can just sweep this whole story under the rug and make Night of Champions be a triple threat between AJ, Paige and Stephanie.

9. Roman and Randy was fine. It was slow and felt way too long but that’s just about any Randy Orton match the last few years. It’s just hard to care about a match when it’s obvious that Randy doesn’t seem to care himself. But then the last few minutes were pretty damn entertaining and I really dug the RKO Randy caught Roman with. It’s just really interesting how a year ago, I slipped and called Roman “the closest thing Shield has to a weak link” and was rightfully shat on by just about every commenter for it and now it seems like most people are giving him the Cena treatment and just hating the guy. I would like some sort of explanation, please, because I still enjoy the hell out of him as a singles competitor and could watch the guy all day in the ring. Has he limited his move set to his best hits lately? Possibly but still, that spear is still impressive. But now the internet dislikes the guy now that he’s climbing the ranks when I thought this was something we all agreed to be okay with this. Is it like a hipster thing? Is he too mainstream for us to like now? Discuss!

10. Brock vs Cena was exactly what it needed to be. Just about as close to a squash match as possible. Personally, I would’ve liked to have seen Cena get pinned about 5-10 minutes into the match just to really shock everyone. However, Cena doing his never giving up thing makes sense but so does Brock constantly swatting him back down time after time. They made the defeater of the streak look insurmountable and now I’m starting to come around to the thought that maybe Brock really was the right person to break the streak. How they decide to work around Brock’s limited schedule, I have no idea but maybe this is the time where we relax on the whole “the title must be defended every 30 days” thing and make the main story focus on wrestlers trying to deem themselves worthy to face Brock for the championship at Survivor Series or Rumble. Whatever they decide to do, I don’t think Brock is gonna be cashed-in on at all. I don’t even think they’ll tease it.

Thanks to all these wonderful gents/bot for collaborating with me on this. Remember you can find both Trashy Ring Attire and Classy Ring Attire on iTunes for the incredibly low cost of $9.9…free, I meant free. I’m sorry.
And all of us have twitter accounts you should follow but the two I’m actually requiring you all to go and follow is @CRAttire and @TRAttire. Do it and all your dreams will come true…if all your dreams are snide but short posts about WWE. So follow us and then go find a life coach to get better dreams.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris

The Answer: I’ve come to the conclusion that Iphone autocorrect is a passive aggressive asshole. I type in something but it’s spelled wrong but instead of changing to the right spelling, it leaves it as is with the red squiggly line. So I delete and try again, typing the word correctly but iPhone is like “he’s a dumbass and clearly this is how dumbasses spell that word.” So it autocorrects the correct spelling for the screwed up spelling that I had before…but with the red squiggly line to make sure I knew that it’s wrong and I was an idiot that one time I didn’t know how to spell “guarantee.”

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