Good evening to you all. I’ve had rather a nice day off, relaxing, writing and watching some Dutch movies for the first time. Did you know that the Dutch make some fucked-up movies? I didn’t. With that being said, it’s time to get this review done so that I can go and watch moar.
It starts, as ever it must, with Brock Lesnar and John Cena II: ‘Opus Dei’. I love that Brock Lesnar seems to count Cena wanting a rematch as a failure on his part; that guy is such a perfectionist. And I am sticking to my guns and saying the only way I’d be happy with a Cena victory would be if Lesnar keeled over after the bell rang, and then Cena showed footage of Roman Reigns poisoning everything Lesnar ate or drank over the last month.
Cena comes out all red and cheerful, like a man whose near-cannibalisation on live TV was not applauded by every wrestling website in the world. He makes some joke about your strange sports and colours, and we’re in Nebraska. He says that he’s facing Lesnar in three weeks, just in case we were worried that what happened on RAW meant anything. He gripes about people thinking he shouldn’t wrestle Lesnar, and considering that CM Punk, the Undertaker, Triple H and a bunch of Ruthless Aggression era guys have all put on less baby-sealesque displays against Brock, I don’t know why he doesn’t understand about the situation. Seriously, the Hardy Boyz did better against Lesnar than Cena did. He then shills the Network and can we all. Just. Fucking. Stop.
Kane and Seth Rollins come out with mics and start heckling Cena a la Statler and Waldorf, which is actually about as funny as the concept sounds. Cena mocks them, and that material was more comedic than literally anything you’ve ever said into a microphone, John. He then proves it by…yep, trying comedy. Kane once again makes his job description weird by threatening Cena with ADMINISTRATIVE ABILITY, and this brings out Roman Reigns. And can we all admire the fact that on RAW, he straight-up laughed about almost crushing Seth Rollins’ skull? What an amazing psychopath. He says that Orton’s not here tonight, so he feels like he might casually assault Seth and Kane some more. Cena’s up for that, because Brock Lesnar thinks that SmackDown! is a sex move and always changes the subject when Heyman mentions it. Kane and Rollins laugh at them, and these guys are like Mean Girls tonight, and I love it. Oh, and the Wyatts show up. Oh, and then Chris Jericho shows up. Oh, and Mark Henry and Big Show shows up. Oh, and Triple H shows up? Fuck it, this already better than your average show. Hunter bitches about having basically an amazing job, and then imitates Teddy Long, which is just points for him and makes a ten-man tag match. Hell, that was hilarious. Even with Cena’s involvement and Triple H’s ‘can I laugh at this?’ impression of a black man. Dutch movies full of nudity can wait.
Wow, First The Fappening And Now This
Sheamus is on commentary when we come back, and I was pleasantly surprised by how inoffensive he was last time. He just sounded like a nice, fairly humorous, up-for-some-craic guy out there, so why can’t he be like that always? Oh, and Ziggler’s fighting Cesaro, so…seriously, what’s happening here? Why are good things happening on SmackDown!?
Bell ring-a-ding-dings and we get set for our first match. Ziggler gets taken over by Cesaro, who slaps the back of his head and puts him in a sleeper. Ziggler shoots him off the ropes and gets knocked down, goes for a hip-toss, gets countered, and Dolph hits the neckbreaker. Cesaro runs into a back elbow; Dolph tries to fly from the second rope, gets caught in mid-air and back-breakered. Punch to Ziggler’s face, and Cesaro chokes him on the ropes before hitting an uppercut from the outside. He wrenches Ziggler’s head, and Sheamus seems to have the mystical power to make commentary sound like a conversation between friends in a bar; is he a Cole-whisperer? Sunset flip from Ziggler, and Cesaro stops him from getting out of the box, pummelling him and wrenching the head again.
Another sunset flip attempt from Ziggler, and this time Cesaro presses him and drops Ziggler right onto his knee. When we come back, Dolph’s trying to fight back, hitting a neckbreaker and a dropkick, but the moment is overshadowed by Sheamus suddenly exclaiming: ‘Tom, I forgot you were there for a second!’ See, this Sheamus is amazing; this Sheamus is just every Irish guy I’ve gotten drunk with. Is he drunk? Ziggler tries to splash Cesaro, but gets the fuck uppercutted out of him. Cesaro goes for a double-underhook, but teases a pedigree enough to make me believe he’ll be getting fired over the weekend; Ziggler counters into a facebuster for two, and then catches Cesaro in a sleeper. Cesaro breaks out of it in the corner, then catches Ziggler’s kick; big DDT from Ziggler! Both athletes regain their feet, only for Cesaro to clothesline Ziggler. He tries to finish it, but Ziggler rolls him up for the three!
Great match, and definitely an argument for this being the preferred coupling at Night of Champions. Just have the US Title match be Sheamus stomping on Miz’s face for ten minutes; it’d be worth it. 3.5 Stars.
Cesaro’s pissed, and thinks a good way to deal with this emotion is to assault Ziggler, so does so. Sheamus comes in to back him off, and we’ve got a stare-down! Until Sheamus tosses Cesaro the belt and Brogue Kicks him.
Stardust is backstage, doing a Gollum impression. Goldust shows up to chill him out, and I think the villainous route was the best idea for this gimmick; Cody is just creepy as hell.
At Least Now I Can Tell The Usos Apart
Aw, Jay’s on a crutch, but still does the haka chant. That’s kind of really sad. Oh, and Jimmy’s going to be facing Heath Slater. That’s…even sadder. And I like to consider Jay’s injury a punishment for his and Jimmy’s constant involvement in the Cena-Wyatt feud.
Jimmy and Heath tie up, and Jimmy chops Slater in the corners. He ducks a clothesline, but Slater avoids a splash and hits a neckbreaker for two. Okay, the fact that Slater actually hit offence here makes this match more of a squash than Lesnar-Cena. John starts talking about cooking and euthanising bunnies, which warrants a rewind from me. Jimmy fights his way out of a sleeper, but gets dragged face-first into the corner. Slater gets kicked and eats a corkscrew moonsault for two. Titus gets on the apron, but Jay distracts him and Jimmy kicks him back to the outside. Kick from Heath to Jimmy, who manages to catch Slater coming off the top with a superkick, and then hits the Samoan Splash for three.
None too bad. Slater’s ridiculous arching of his body and fall-delay in taking that kick was the highlight of the match. 2.5 Stars.
We head back to Monday night, where it turns out that Stephanie’s way of showing she likes you is putting you in a match with someone who could destroy you. No, not Jack Swagger. Yep, it’s Nikki vs. Paige, and it’s time to find out whether Paige’s lesbian shtick extends to people who aren’t AJ. Man, lesbians and twins: they really are trying to sell the Network, aren’t they? Oh, and let me just say, I’m with Nikki here. Yeah, sure, I thought she was kind of an asshole at first, but then my little sister came home at 3:30am, having neglected to take her front door keys, and woke me up to let her in the house. And now my sister could be in a match against the Miz, and Sheamus, and John Cena, and Michael Cole, and I’d still interfere just to make sure she lost. So…yeah, if even a little bit of what Nikki says is true: fuck Brie.
We see Steph sitting alone in an empty conference room which, as it turns out, is actually the full complement of the WWE Creative team. She says that Night of Champions will have a match where Paige will defend her belt against Nikki and AJ. Oh, because having Natalya in that match, and therefore three women who could wrestle well, was just an insane line of thought.
Not-Renee is backstage with Not-Natalya. Wow, she is as wooden as a desk of purest mahogany. Yeah, fine, fuck Nikki, and I’ll forgive my sister as well. God, WWE, way to be my conscience.
Rusev and Lana are in the ring to address Mark Henry. Lana actually provides the correct definition for ‘oxymoron’ and then furthers that with a joke about China’s economic and manufactural presence on the world stage. Oh my God, I actually laughed at that one. They SUMMON THE FLAG (totally how I’m writing that from now on), and here’s Mark Henry. His first line is telling Lana she talks too much, which gets a cheer. I won’t make a joke about a black man in Nebraska using sexism to get the crowd on his side but…oh, wait. If I ever get these stereotypes wrong, by the way, do let me know. He also then says that Lana looks like an escort, and that’s kind of a dick move, Mark. I’m on Lana’s side now, so also Rusev’s by association. She says that Rusev will beat America’s former Olympian, and please let this mean that Angle’s coming back for one more match in a ridiculous swerve.
I Like To Think That Was Brie Warging Into AJ
Oh God, Jerry Springer’s going to be on RAW and he’ll be talking to the Bellas. Well, that’s probably half an hour worth of crap I’ll be skipping on Tuesday. Nikki and AJ are on commentary, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have Nikki placed beside someone who can, you know, actually display emotion. Oh, and Brie won better entrance music than Nikki in the split. Well, it’s better than what happened to Rollins and Ambrose. Brie will be facing Paige, and that’s good entrance music. Seth should steal it. AJ apparently could not give less of a shit about any of this, which is the best role for her.
Bell rings and Paige trash-talks Brie, but with her accent it sounds really polite and Brie comes off as rude for not thanking her. Brie punches Paige, who knees her in the stomach, but Brie takes her over and they brawl. Paige is thrown across the ring by Brie, and they brawl outside the ring: wild. Brie takes a spill and takes a while to get back inside, and Paige wails on her inside. Headbutts to Brie, as AJ refers to the Diva’s Championship as both her ex-boyfriend and her baby within moments of each other. Ew. Big clothesline to Paige, then a dropkick. Holy hell, Brie’s getting YES chants. That’s actually kind of sweet. Running knees to Paige, and AJ moves to confront Nikki for no reason as Brie hits a missile dropkick. Nikki shoves AJ, so AJ just jumps her: hell yeah. Brie then defends her sister, and I’ll rant about that in a second…yep, Rampaige ends it.
Well, AJ assaulting Nikki to underline the ‘we don’t want you here’ message of anyone interested in good quality Divas matches was a plus. The rest…whatever, I guess. Oh, and Brie? The woman wished that you died in the womb. If someone attacks her, particularly someone capable of kicking her ass, let her do it. Don’t lose a match over the Divas Champion to save her. 2 Stars.
Braymakes some lyrical threats about Chris Jericho in advance of their steel cage match.
Hey, Zack Ryder’s On…Yep
Bo Dallas will be facing Zack Ryder, and there’s a guy who needs to Bo-lieve if ever there was one. And also needs to make his lips less freakishly pink against that tan of his: Christ. Big dropkick to Dallas, who throws it off straight away and back suplexes him. Face-first slam by Ryder, but Bo slams him back against the mat, hits the Bo Dog and it’s over.
Yep. 2 Stars.
Bo takes the mic and mocks Nebraska. Straight up heelin’. But here’s Jack Swagger, here to beat on that ridiculously cheerful guy. Wow, Bo actually stands his ground and takes it to Swagger for a moment, but Jack slams him before hitting more punches. Patriot Lock is almost applied before Bo gets booted out of the ring. Zeb gets on the mic and does his xenophobe oath.
Replay of Ambrose getting cinderblocked. Cue some random comment I made and inadvisable encouragement I received from CB, I’m now writing a short screenplay about Ambrose going missing after his hospitalisation, with both Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns tracking him down. I’ve no idea why I’m doing this, but I have to do something when I get drunk.
Epic-Length Tag Team Time
The ten participants make their entrances mainly during the break. And as much as I’d switch a couple of these guys out to make a real dream match, I’m happy about this. Big Show starts off against Rollins as Jericho gets chants. Show makes quick early work of Rollins in the corner and tags in Henry. Rollins is straight-up squashed in the face corner, and tastes the JYD tribute. Tag back to Big Show, and I’ve just realised that these two have colour coordinated. Seth finally slides out of a gorilla press and tags in Bray, who runs into a…I don’t even know what that was. Bray seems elated, and gets thrown into his corner before Rowan gets the tag. He actually takes it to Big Show before Show does the sunset flip and a flying shoulder-block. What has Big Show been drinking? Did Sheamus get him drunk? Tag back to Henry, and if these guys just let these two handle it, I’d get bored but acknowledge the logic. And as I type ‘logic’, they tag in Jericho. But then we go to break, so hey.
We come back, and Kane takes Big Show out at the knee before tagging in Bray for the stomps. Tag to Harper, who locks on a headlock to the downed giant. As Show struggles to his feet, Harper levels him with a dropkick and tags in Rollins. Interesting that Big Show is the face in peril here. Kane in now, dropping feet and knees to Big Show. Bray in now, and when Big Show tries to fight back he simply DDTs the big man. Harper comes in with a Gator Roll, and the frequent tags are keeping it all fresh. Big Show finally powers up, back suplexing Harper to the mat for our first hope spot. Harper’s too close to the heels…or is he? Here comes Reigns, working out his psychological and emotional issues by destroying everyone, ESPECIALLY ROLLINS. Harper stops Reigns from acquiring himself a Seth-skin rug, hurling him into the barricade as we go to break.
We come back, and Rowan is fisting Reigns (oh, grow up). Reigns gets tossed out of thering where Seth can do his jackal act. He yells ‘I created you’, and I just imagined him as Doctor Frank-N-Furter and it is sexy as hell. Reigns eats a big kick to the temple on the inside from Rollins. Harper comes in, and Reigns blocks his suplex into one of his own, but Harper lies between him and any chances to tag out…and a big boot ends any outside opportunity. Kane comes in now, setting up for a superplex. Reigns fights back, saving Kane from having to try a superplex, and takes him out from the second rope. Everyone wants in, but it’s Jericho, taking it to Kane. Kane tosses him over the ropes; Jericho goes up top and hits a flying fist, then a bulldog, and then the Lionsault! Kane gets right back up, almost chokeslams Chris, who gets his step-up enzuigiri and goes for the Walls! Wyatt tries to get involved, distracting Jericho enough to get clotheslined by Kane. Harper tagged in as we go to break.
When we come back, Rollins is in full control of Jericho, beating him down right in front of the faces. There’s actually a moment when Jericho could have reached over and tagged out as Seth postured, and that would have been hysterical if he’d just done it. And does Seth Rollins remind anyone of Ryan Howard from The Office, or is that really just me? Even I don’t know why I think it. Seth gets elevated the hell over the top rope, but still manages to grab Chris and tag in Bray. Wyatt takes it to Jericho before slapping on a sleeper hold. Jericho struggles, but Bray works him back down, looking childishly happy whilst doing so.
Finally Chris does work his way out, but Wyatt cross-bodies him instantly to keep him back down. Bray spiderwalks as Chris lies prone, and that is when I don’t have a problem with it, i.e. when it’s not an invitation for someone to kick you really hard in the face. Dropkick to Wyatt and both men try to reach help; Rollins and Cena tag in! Cena’s on fire, beating Rollins every time he gets back up. AA attempted, but Kane comes up with an uppercut, only to get Superman Punched by Reigns, who gets superkicked by Harper, who’s taken out by Mark Henry, who gets Rowan-ed, who gets Big Show-ed. Bray comes in and cross-bodies Show! Jericho takes Wyatt down, but Seth springboards into hit him with the knee! Cena comes in and gets the STF on Seth, but the Wyatts break it up for the DQ.
That was really fun. As I’ve said, not dream-match, but considering this is SmackDown! I will take whatever I can get. 3.5 Stars.
Brawl continues with everyone hitting everyone. Codebreaker out of nowhere to Wyatt! Chokeslam and World’s Strongest Slam to the Wyatts! Spear to Kane and an AA to Seth Rollins! The faces go out standing tall.
This was just a great SmackDown! after a few weeks of just decent. Everything clicked really well and the match quality was above and beyond what I’d expect. I’m going to say screw everything: this week gets a ten.
David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Randy Orton. Step one: find their purse…
