Forever Heel: I Have Questions and Some Answers

Editor’s Note: References to Raw are from the 9/1 show.

So since WWE stopped making tv shows this week, I wanted to make a quick comment on the final episode of  “Breaking Bad”, but I don’t watch that show. I better get back to writing about wrestling or CB will hit me with that broom. Today I have questions, and they’re in my usual narcotic ADHD worshiping style.

1) Did they add 2 more hours to Raw?

It felt like I was waiting for 5 hours just for it to be over. The Bellas aren’t the problem because any wrestling fan has learned to tune out awkward evil sibling angles, unless you’re Vince Russo. Even though Brock isn’t on Raw they should mention him more, him being the champ and all? If they book Cena to beat Brock at Night of Stale Belts, I really will tune into Nitro every Monday night. If WWE Network stops showing Nitro then I will go into my garage and set-up my Monday Nitro Playset (from Toy Biz), and create my new show “Monday Night Wrestling from The Grand Punkitorium Arena!”, screw you Vince. Fourteen year old boys are booking better shows with their video games. They even have guys like Hamburgler, and Bat Man on their rosters.

I’m beginning to question how much money Cena brings in? I saw kids cheering Brock before SummerSlam. Little kids want to see Cena die in the ring. It would be one of those magical WWE moments. Of course Vince would lose his greatest kind of employee, one that will do whatever they’re told, that doesn’t care how they’ll look or feel, and will support WWE over anything. So even if Cena was a drain on WWE, Vince would keep him as champ. Vince only got the “ruthless” part of “ruthless businessman”, right. I mean seriously, why did they bury Zack Ryder a few years ago? They did it to be ruthless a-holes. There’s no other reason. Zack was way more popular than Roman Reigns ever was, and Zack has better skills. WWE doesn’t do what’s best for business, and never have so can we stop giving this company excuses for their screw-up? WWE is run by basically by a street smart dropout, and his muscle head son in-law. The reason Vince has all these evil rich guy heels is because rich people don’t accept him, and why should they?

2) What the hell did Buff Bagwell do in his Raw match with Booker T?

I realize this is out of left field, but I noticed another writer blaming Buff for the reason the WCW Invasion failed. I only remember him on that one Raw and his match seemed alright to me. I met Buff once, he signed my action figure. I told him I liked that he stayed loyal to Hollywood Hogan, and he said, “nWo Hollywood is just too sweet, brother.”, he seemed cool enough. There were even some IWC losers there talking snot about him, and he paid them no mind. I’m sure he’s an a-hole in the back, but so is almost every wrestler…except Sting. I just would have enjoyed the Alliance better with Buff, and not Steph, and ECW guys that didn’t need to be in the Invasion Angle at all. I’m just going to blame Buff’s poor handling on Pat Patterson.

3) Doesn’t anyone else think ECW went too far with Mass Transit, or think New Jack should’ve been sent to jail?

I know MT shouldn’t have been there in the first place, and he did ask for New Jack to blade him, but F’ New Jack. No matter what happens in a wrestling match you don’t get to cut a guy’s forehead off. Even if Mass said, “Hey New Jack, do Me a favor and cut my forehead off.”, New Jack still can’t legally do it. Does New Jack get his legal advice from the real Clarence Mason? Why isn’t he black listed? I know in real life he’s a cool guy, but Jesus H Christ on a bicycle. I’m not sure how Paul Heyman survived this? Pro-wrestling is a sport for tough guys, but no one should be put through that. It’s not worth it, just ask CZW’s accountant. New Jack would go on to try and kill Vic Grimes twice. Vic was a lovable dumbass and it was a gimmick. He lived and acted like the Mankind character, luckily New Jack was there to convince him they needed to themselves over balconies, twice. Hopefully New Jack isn’t wrestling at all, with the Indy feds now more interested in clean wrestling and no blood. Thank you Ring of Honor. He would be great for those stand-up tours that Foley and Raven do. I’d pay to watch him. Speaking of crazy indy feds…

4) What happened to the Urban Wrestling Federation?

The UWF was like a living Def Jam Wrestling video game. You had bosses from various cities across America pitting their crews against other crews in wrestling matches, for bling and stuff. I had the first DVD, and enjoyed it okay, except for the lack of a Los Angeles crew. I tried to find other DVDs, but came up empty. I’m not sure why this Fed didn’t take off? Homicide was going to be the main guy, but he didn’t stay long enough, and they went with Ricky  Ortiez (Atlas Ortiez in WWE’s ECW). It seemed they went with a ppv business model, but that doesn’t explain the lack of merchandise and DVDs. All I can think of is that they weren’t offering DVDs for fear of piracy, but they would lose way more money by not selling DVDs at all. Maybe it’s just as well that UWF died? We’ve talked in the past about how African-Americans are stereotyped in wrestling, and this was a whole fed of wacky black gangsta gimmicks.

Well guys that’s my brain hurts, so that’s enough questions for now.

Heel of the Week: Triple H, for being the only foil that won’t destroyed by Super-Cena.

Here are my top 5 Tag Team partners:

5)Kieth Gas- Pete Gas’s cousin, and my 4th BFF

4) Bunny Ashtonberg- My valet, and one time main squeeze

3) Chavez Jose Jr. – My angry gardener, and one time grounds keeper for Alcatraz. That’s one evil landscaper.

2) Big Nanny Vader – My childhood nanny

1) Baron von Rhenkev- My dear father, and President-General of The People’s Communist/Fascist state of Punkistan

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