Evening there, fond readers. It’s me, once again, reporting to you not-at-all live on the strange goings-on in the SmackDown side of town. I apologise for the oncoming lack of my typical and appropriate vitriol against the RAW recaps, as they find themselves this evening quite needed. I didn’t watch RAW this week, mainly due to the fact that I spent a healthy portion of said week drinking vodka off someone else’s body. And, due to the fact I know nothing about what happened and that whole episode has put me in a very good mood, I’ll try not to complain about actually being given necessary information. Also, I’ve decided I like Tom, for reasons unclear to me, possibly non-platonic.
So, yeah, apparently the big thing from RAW was the Orton/Reigns rematch from SummerSlam. And apparently the Authority showed up and dropped the cage, only for Reigns to still cry havoc. And Rollins entered the feud from the top of the cage, which has got to be the best way to enter anything ever; glad they made him look like a badass in preparation and also grateful that Reigns is able to appear vulnerable even when not fighting Brock Lesnar.
Are You Ready, Kids? Aye-Aye, Captain! I Can’t Hear You! AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!
We start SmackDown off with the Big Show, which has got to be the worst way to start off anything ever. He’s in an eight-man tag match, so I guess we’re still doing that. He’s partnering with Mark Henry, who is in turn tag-teaming this feud with his Rusev feud. And they’re with the Usos, one of which is still injured; they could have switched which one of them has the bad leg, and not a damn one of us would have noticed.This hastily-thrown-together team will face the quartet of the Dust Brothers and the Wyatts. Bray showed up for this, which is as close as he’ll ever get to doing Make a Wish. Bray beat Jericho on RAW because Chris did that moronic thing where he was on top of the cage and decided ‘screw my guaranteed victory; I’m jumping on a motherfucker’.
Jimmy Uso starts off by unloading on Goldust, knocking him all around until Goldust takes control, tagging in Stardust. Jimmy comes back with some chops and tags in his injured brother like the fucking strategist he is. Jey tags out, because he’s not an idiot, and Stardust is able to tag in Luke Harper, who gets dropkicked by Jimmy and then headbutted by the now-legal Mark Henry. Henry squashes Harper in the corner as war journalist Michael Cole gets all heated about those damn dirty reds. Personally I have to admire the sheer cheek of Russia turning around and warning the USA not to violate international law, considering that international law has pretty much been treated like a fleshlight by Russia recently. Harper boots Henry in the face for daring to act like America is morally superior to Russia in spite of all that (welcome to David’s political world view, where nobody is not asshole). Bray approaches the ring and gets backed away by Big Show. You stay the hell away from him, Show. You don’t get to feud with young and exciting talent anymore.
We come back to Jimmy crossbodying Harper and slamming him with an enzuigiri. Jimmy takes a spill over the top rope and…oh my God…might have injured his knee. Wow, these guys can’t bear not to be alike. Stardust is all over the Uso, followed by Goldust. I can’t tell if it’s real or not; Jimmy’s bumping strangely and I think Cody checked on him, but honestly what are the chances? As Harper comes in, Jimmy fights gutsily back, but gets put right down as Rowan tags in and puts the fists to Uso. Samoan drop takes the big man down, but Goldust catches Jimmy, who rolls out of a back suplex and kicks Goldust in the face. Big Show gets tagged in as he and Stardust continue their Intercontinental title feud. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? The Dust Brothers manage to suplex the Big Show between them, and Mark Henry gets involved because one feud is just not enough. Chaos reigns on the outside as Jimmy hurls himself at the Wyatts and Goldust. On the inside, Stardust hits the Disaster Kick; Big Show comes back with the K.O. Punch and Jey hits the splash for the win.
I enjoyed this one. It was fast-paced enough that the typical face-in-peril schtick didn’t grate, and props to Jimmy if he actually got injured there and irony for the same reason. 2.5 Stars.
We relive Paul Heyman trying to get Cena to EMBRACE THE HATE and FEEEEL THE ENERGY like madmen before him. Seriously, did Lesnar go to Heyman and say, ‘Paul, I want you to go and tell Cena exactly how to beat me. I mean, it’s not like he’ll take your advice, so this can be his harmatia, you know, like in Shakespeare: real Coriolanus shit’? I mean, I hope he did. Why do so many of my hopes involve Brock Lesnar demonstrating that he can speak comprehensible English? Oh, and Cena’s being a good guy, but is happy to beat up Paul Heyman. I want to see a clip of Lesnar turning to Heyman and saying, ‘Paul, I’m not showing up on RAW, so maybe you just shouldn’t go. Then Cena can’t beat you up’. Oh my God, I just did it again, didn’t I?
Backstage, Rollins, Orton and Kane are having a ‘we’re a cheerful bunch of dicks’ session. I liked it better when Kane and Seth came out and heckled people.
Cheers Is Filmed In Front Of A Live Studio Audience
Bo Dallas will be facing Justin Gabriel tonight, with Swagger and Coulter at ringside, thereby indirectly supporting the South African. Solid. Bo gets on his mic and says words until Zeb interrupts and combats self-help with patriotism. I can only surmise that Coulter considers Bo Dallas more of a threat to America than Isis, and imagine if we used that as propaganda.
Bo starts punching Gabriel, who manages to hit a few kicks and some roll-ups, until he gets flung hard into the corner. Bo hits a hard clothesline and locks a sleeper in on Justin, who hits a jawbreaker and knocks Bo down a couple of times. Stinger splash and a crossbody, but Gabriel misses a springboard moonsault, allowing Bo to take advantage and hit the Bo Dog.
Decent enough. I’d sort of forgotten that Justin Gabriel was employed, and now I’m thinking about how they managed to screw up the Nexus and now I’m sad. 2 Stars.
Post-match, Bo actually calls Jack out, only to bolt once Swagger pushes him across the ring.
Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Thunderbirds Are Go.
AJ Lee skips her way out to the ring, which means that Paige is probably going to be around. Summer Rae’s in the ring with Layla, and they’re like an example of a healthy resolution of conflict compared to AJ and Paige.
Summer and Paige lock up, with Summer getting in some offence. Layla is cheering, which leads Michael to say ‘Layla being quite annoying’. Eat a bushel of dicks, Michael. Summer has her legs wrapped around Paige, who headbutts her way out and starts turning up the heat on Summer with knees to the face. Paige then applies the Black Widow, because it’s not fair that only AJ gets spanked by the entire Divas division.
The match was okay, although it seems that Paige is back to getting her ass beat for the first segment, no matter who she’s facing. I’m still irritated that Nikki got the triple-threat spot instead of Natalya or Charlotte; this could have been so much better. 2 Stars.
Layla tries to blindside Paige after the match, and AJ makes the save with the Paige Turner. She then skips around Paige as the Divas champ tries to berate her. Honestly? I’d be happy if this turned into a Team Hell No situation, with these two actually working together but annoying the bejeezus out of each other in the process. Just let AJ be the Spongebob to Paige’s Squidward, and I’d be very entertained.
Michael predicts that there will be an international incident due to Rusev and Henry’s arm-wrestling contest. I sort of want to call him on that, because it’s colossal bullshit, but I have to admit that both America and Russia have both caused international incidents for no other reason than profit, resources, territory and to create an ongoing cycle of conflicts, so an arm-wrestling contest will probably make a nice excuse.
Oh Christ, neither Rusev nor Mark Henry died during the commercial, so I guess we’re doing this stupid, stupid thing. Michael wins some points for his sarcasm whilst shilling ‘$9.99′. Oh God, Tom’s been left alone with JBL; this is where the hazing/sexual harassment starts. John does his strange version of propaganda where he makes up pointless, directionless lies about Russia as Rusev shows up. Lana gets on the microphone, and how likely is it that there’s a Henry/Lana porn parody of this feud by now? Henry draws a parallel between the Olympic Games and this bullshit, which are the words of a man slowly dying inside. The burly dudes get ready to arm-wrestle, and you just know that Hall of Pain Henry would have ripped Rusev in half by now for literally no reason.
Rusev’s hand slips the first time, which I was not aware could happen. He then puts chalk on his hand, which is probably some kind of racist thing; I mean, it’s Rusev. The World’s Strongest Man wins, and was there any sense of tension to any of that? JBL calls it ‘God-given strength’, so Jesus apparently hates Russia. Lana challenges Henry to a left-handed contest, by which I mean she challenges Henry to arm-wrestle Rusev left-handed. Although Henry arm-wrestling Lana would be pretty amazing. Lana then throws chalk in Henry’s face and Rusev jumps him, kicking him in the back of the head. Henry is covered with chalk, which makes it look like contact with Rusev Aryanises you. Mark gets up and gets kicked in the face. The commentators act like Rusev just assaulted a toddler rather than the World’s Strongest Man Lana and Rusev SUMMON THE FLAG.
Renee Young is backstage with Jericho, and why are we making such a big deal about the season premiere? RAW is on literally every single week; I didn’t even know we had seasons. Jericho seems to be on an Orton-hunt, so we’ve found another mid-2000s match to repeat.
Timmy Is An Average Kid, Who No-One Understands, Mom And Dad And Vickie Always Giving Him Commands…
Here’s Sandow and Miz, and oh my God, are those clips from Marine IV on Miz’s titantron? Because if so, I take back every piece of mockery I ever made about his movie career in order to come up with some even more vicious material. You know what? I’m going to watch it. That’s right: I’m going to watch Marine IV, and I am going to review it on this website (if the people actually running it say I can), because this cannot go unpunished. Oh, and we’re still laughing about the photo-leak thing, because no real people had their most private lives made public in a seriously humiliating manner. Here comes Ziggler with a microphone, and he says that he himself also has a stunt double, and it’s R-Truth dressed as and acting like Ziggler. Okay, screw it, he actually acts like Ziggler well enough for this to be funny. And apparently Ziggler, like BD, doesn’t see race, so well done him. You know, I’m actually going to play along with this.
Miz starts off against Ziggler as their tag-team partners (Miz and Ziggler) stand on the corners. Miz knees Ziggler in the stomach, but Ziggler wrenches his arm, takes him over and drops the elbow before tagging in Ziggler, who wrenches the arm and drops the elbow. Ziggler tags in Ziggler, and Ziggler hits a dropkick to Miz. Ziggler applies a sleeper to Miz, as he yells at Miz to ‘get in here’. Miz tries to get in, distracting the ref, and Ziggler and Ziggler perform Twin Magic. The referee seems to be the Rain Man of officials, because he actually realised that there was a switch, despite the two men being identical down to their very atomic structure. Both Zigglers argue with the ref, and then hip toss Miz, and then do the same to Miz, dumping Miz and Miz out of the ring.
Back from the break, the Miz gets kicked away by Ziggler, who tags in Ziggler; Ziggler hits the stinger splash to Miz, but Miz distracts Ziggler enough that Miz is able to catch Ziggler with a boot. Miz tags Miz back in, who takes the fight to Ziggler as Ziggler looks on in concern. Miz comes back in. Ziggler tries to rally, but Miz hits his back-neck-breaker. Tag to Miz, who hits a backbreaker, but Ziggler almost catches him with a backslide off the neckbreaker. Miz still manages to tag Miz in, who takes Ziggler down, taunts Ziggler, and chokes Ziggler on the ropes before tagging in Miz. Miz attempts the Figure-Four, but gets kicked away, only for Miz to get tagged in. Miz knocks Ziggler off the apron, but gets blindsided by Ziggler with the big DDT!
Ziggler tags in Ziggler! Miz tags in Miz! Ziggler takes it to Miz with clotheslines and a splash, and then a neckbreaker. Fameasser is countered into the Skull-Crushing Finale, which is countered into the Fameasser! Miz saves Miz from being pinned, whilst Ziggler comes in behind the referee’s back. His scissor-kick attempt misses, but he hits the Zig-Zag! Ziggler capitalises with the pin, and the Zigglers take it!
All joking aside, that was genuinely entertaining. Like, R-Truth really committed to the act, and was even funnier than Sandow (and I find Sandow’s inclusion wonderfully comical). Laughed through a good deal of the match, so I’m going to go ahead and say 3 Stars.
So, Jerry Springer was apparently on RAW. I think he’s like your version of Jeremy Kyle, and Jeremy Kyle is a rabble-rouser who exploits stupid people for money under the guise of helping them. Oh, and the Bellas’ parents were involved, or people supposed to be their parents: I really could not give less of a fuck, although I did watch that bit in the hopes that Orton was going to continue his crusade against family members of his fellow employees. Yes, even the mother.
Not-Renee is backstage with Nikki, and asks her to comment on the travesty that was last Monday, this storyline, and her family’s lack of acting ability. She dares to mention the Diva’s Championship, which summons AJ and Paige to say ‘oh, hey. We’re, you know, the actual wrestlers of this feud’. Paige then calls Nikki ‘Brie’, which I find delightful. Nikki says she thinks it will be easy, and yes: you get knocked out of the ring early, stay on the outside for a while, and we can watch decent wrestling and pretend you’re not there. Perfecto.
MAMA HAD A CHICKEN! MAMA HAD A COW! DAD WAS PROUD! HE DIDN’T CARE HOW!
Main event time, and Jericho and Reigns show up to the ring, followed by Rollins and Orton as we replay the awesome mugging of Roman Reigns. Bell rings, and let’s go. Orton starts by punching Reigns, until Reigns fires up and clotheslines him out of the ring, continuing the assault there. Seth tries to get involved and gets uppercutted for it, but distracts Reigns enough that Orton can blast him onto the announce table.
Back from the break, Randy’s in firm control of Reigns, who seems muzzy after that head-bump. Roman does manage to hit a back suplex to create some separation, and makes the tag as Rollins also enters the match. Jericho takes him down off the top, going right for the Walls before catapulting Rollins into the turnbuckle, and then locking the Walls in! Orton interferes, but pays for it, and Jericho remains in control with a bulldog, but Randy interferes again, stopping the Lionsault. Seth tags Orton in, and he goes right to Chris with the stomps. Jericho fights back before running right into a powerslam for a two count.
Tag to Seth, who hits the Three Amigos: seems far less risky crowd-wise than it used to be. Rollins spends too much time staring down Reigns, and gets elevated to the outside, but manages to get to Chris before Roman gets the tag. Orton comes in, and JBL compares Seth to Eddie Guerrero, which has got to mean a hell of a lot. Jericho manages to hit a dropkick from the second rope, and tries to reach Reigns, and gets it! Reigns comes in, distributing merry hell on a democratic basis. Orton and Rollins are both thrown into the same corner, and he batters both of them. Apron dropkick to Orton; Rollins tries to springboard onto Reigns, but gets caught and thrown out of the ring! Tag to Jericho, who goes up top and cross-bodies Orton for two. Reigns and Rollins are doing the crowd-fighting thing as Orton hits his backbreaker and goes for his Vintage DDT, which Jericho turns into a roll-up for the win!
Well, the ending came right out of nowhere, which was a nice bit of unexpected activity. The match itself was good, I thought: a very good display. They really are keeping Roman out of the bulk of tag matches; maybe they don’t want him over-exposed.
I thought this was another good SmackDown, hopefully the beginning of a trend. Eight for this episode.
David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Mark Henry. See multiple partners simultaneously, pushing your body to the brink of exhaustion if you have to; you don’t have long left in this game.
Tags: aj lee, big show, Bo Dallas, Bray Wyatt, chris jericho, Damien Sandow, Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, goldust, jack swagger, jey uso, jimmy uso, john cena, Justin Gabriel, kane, Layla, Luke Harper, Mark Henry, Paige, Paul Heyman, R-Truth, randy orton, Roman Reigns, seth rollins, Stardust, Summer Rae, The Miz, wyatt family, Zeb Coulter