Hi hi hi there, wrestling fans. Due to circumstances beyond my control, and entirely due to the rampant amount of motherfuckers existing within my vast and gelatinous personal bubble, I am in a foul mood tonight. Therefore I shall be putting this flame-eyed fury to good use, treating SmackDown tonight like the child I will one day mentally and emotionally torment until they snap and kill me (not my biological or even legal child; I’m probably going clone one). I’m letting myself have this one; I generally do a pretty decent job holding in my temper as WWE Creative waddles around and wets itself like a…I want to say ‘retarded penguin’, but that sort of makes assumptions about their cuteness.
Hideously deformed, retarded penguin.
Showtime!
We’re reminded once again that wrestling fans’ lack of sex or combination of sex and SmackDown means that the blue show is number one on Friday nights. And tonight, Rusev will face Roman Reigns in a match I just bet will have a finish so stuffed with bullshit that I could use it to bury the fucking farmers who insist on using bullshit to fertilise their fields (I sort of live within smelling-distance of some farms).
Raindrops On Roses, Whiskers On Kittens
Well, here are the Usos, and apparently Jimmy or Jey (like they even have separate personalities) is A-okay knee-wise. Sort of makes Ambrose look like a taped-up pussy, doesn’t it? Tonight, Jimmy will be facing Stardust for our…amusement? Entertainment? Hideously deformed, retarded penguin? And do they actually drug-test Stardust, or just check the trunk of his car for mutilated hookers?
They tie up, with Jimmy punching and chopping Stardust away, then levelling him with a clothesline. Stardust gets waistlocked, but uses the ropes to escape, counters a Samoan drop into a neckbreaker and then stomps away. He hits a Rhodes Uppercut, only kicking him instead, and then runs right into a kick, ducks another one, tries a roll-up, gets superkicked and Jimmy wins.
Unexpectedly quick, and way to build the Dust Bunnies as a credible threat. I doubt there was much they could do to match the intensity of the Uso/Wyatt matches, but this just isn’t getting my interest. 1.5 Stars.
Goldust tries to jump the Usos post-match and gets double-superkicked. You know who that wouldn’t happen to? A team that could beat the Usos. But considering that these guys are the lovechild of eighties cinema, an astronomer and various rapist clowns, what more should we expect?
Bright Copper Kettles And Warm Woolen Mittens
When we come back, Ziggler and Sheamus are going to face Miz and Cesaro in a tag match. I could get rid of half of the participants to get a match I’d actually want to see out of that, and right now I’d happily use acid to accomplish that. See, if Sheamus was on commentary, I would probably be charmed by his laconic wit to become less angry. But he’s wrestling, so my fury shall only increase.
Cesaro and Ziggler to start, and well done, WWE: those were the ones who would not be dipped in acid. Cesaro outwrestles Ziggler to start, headlocking and taking Dolph over, and the two men chain wrestle until Cesaro knocks him down off the ropes. Headlock takeover again by the Swiss Superman; they play counter-counter-reverse until Dolph ends the combinations with a dropkick; Miz distracts Ziggler and Cesaro hits his catch-backbreaker. Fuck you, WWE, for cooling my rage with some goddamn beautiful wrestling. I’m actually angry at being appeased, and now I’m confused.
Oh, Miz has just tagged in: we’re back to rage. He kicks Ziggler in the face for two, then gets small-packaged by Dolph for two, then Ziggler scores with a neckbreaker. Fameasser misses, and Miz hits his neckbreaker. We come back from the break, and Miz is in control. He hits his corner-clothesline on Ziggler and heads up top; maybe he’ll break his neck, but no, he hits an axe-handle. Sleeper hold to Ziggler, but the blonde man hits a jawbreaker to escape and both men are down. Miz gets the tag to Cesaro, who tries to knock Sheamus off the apron, but gets clobbered in return. Still, he stops Ziggler escaping for several moments, until Dolph scores with his DDT, crawling to Sheamus and getting the tag as Miz comes in.
Sheamus goes on a rampage, hitting everything in sight before pounding Miz’s chest and giving him the rolling senton. Irish Curse follows; Cesaro breaks up the pin and gets thrown out of the ring by Dolph, who in turn gets tossed by Miz. Miz runs into a bodyslam from Sheamus, and Sandow gets up on the apron for the distraction. Sheamus tries to hit his clubbing blows to the chest, but Sandow escapes only to get taken out by R-Truth. Miz tries to roll up Sheamus; Sheamus kicks out and eats a DDT for two. R-Truth distracts Miz and the referee enough for Ziggler to superkick Miz, who then takes a Brogue Kick for the loss.
The highlight was definitely Ziggler vs. Cesaro to open; the rest was the usual uninspired Sheamus and Miz-esque affair. 2.5 Stars.
Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings
In case anyone wasn’t contemplating suicide just yet, it’s Heath Slater vs. Adam Rose. Remember when I was seriously excited about Adam Rose, and came up with a tonne of suggestions for fun little bits he could do? Yeah, me too, and I’m still pissed that what I shall call ‘this fucking bullshit’ happened instead.
Slater punches Adam Rose to the ground, and I’d kind of like to do that to his gimmick. He runs into a boot; Rose hits a crossbody off the top and then takes Slater over with a headlock. Heath hits a back suplex and goes back on the assault. Kick to the ribs and then the face, which I can’t admit to not enjoying. God, am I enjoying Slater? Heath jumps off the second rope, right into Adam Rose’s boot. He misses a stinger splash, getting knocked around by Rose, taking a big spinebuster. Rose gets tripped by Titus O’Neil and nearly gets pinned by Slater. Oh, and the fucking bunny rabbit gets in the ring. Yep, yep, go ahead; yeah, just throw yourself onto Titus: I. Do not. Care. In the confusion, presumably at just who on earth actually okayed something so mind-rapingly stupid, Adam Rose hits Party Foul for the win.
I keep forgetting that the Bunny is involved, and I’m happier when I do. He joins the club which also holds El Torito and Hornswoggle: ‘Things David Spain Would Joyfully Set On Fire’. 0.5 Stars.
On a side note, I actually think I can hear gunfire. That’s sort of worrying, but being shot might honestly be preferable to watching SmackDown. If any readers tonight have been shot, please compare the experience to watching this episode of SmackDown in the comments section.
Oh my God, we’re recapping the USA Rally by Mark Henry. Seriously. That shit actually finished the go-home episode to a PPV which has Brock Lesnar headlining. I mean…who got blown and just how well for that line of thought to be incorporated into reality?
Renee Young is backstage, and also Lana and Rusev. Lana speaks Russian in answer to Renee’s questions, and I would have paid so much for Renee to be able to understand Russian perfectly for that bit.
These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things.
Oh sweet baby Jesus, it’s Los Matadores. I picked a really great show to be furious during. And they’re partnering with the Big Show. I’d say that this is going to drive me to drink, but that is false; the half-bottle of Jameson a good friend of mine gifted me is going to drive me to drink. Seriously, guys, try Jameson. These various-sized wastes of space are going to be facing the Wyatt Family, and despite the fact that the Shield never won a match against the Wyatt Family, I feel like they won the war. Because they are not doing this thing.
We come back to one of the interchangeable masked idiots taking it to Erick Rowan. Oh God, this is awful and I’ve seen three seconds of it. Rowan hits a fallaway slam, and good. Good. Bray comes in and hits a suplex and his back senton. Bray tags in Harper, who keeps up his roughneck offence as he grounds Masked Idiot 1. Michael gets all snooty about Luke Harper’s hygiene, and I’d agree with him except that would involve agreeing with Michael Cole, and there are a thousand things I would do to myself with a meat grinder before I hit that particular low.
Harper steps on Masked Idiot 1’s throat, fulfilling a personal fantasy of mine, and tags in Rowan. The Matador tags in Big Show, who actually gets taken down fairly handily by Rowan, who tags Wyatt in. Wyatt is all the hell over Show, hitting a DDT to keep him down and then tags in Harper. Harper Gator Rolls Big Show before latching on a headlock. Show throws some hands, bounces off the ropes and…did Harper just hit a calf kick? Holy shit. Tag to Rowan, then to Wyatt, who cuts Big Show off from his partners, and Harper comes back in, wrapping a forearm across Show’s face. Big Show finally comes back with a back suplex, and then comes off the second rope for a splash; Harper dodges and then takes out one of the Matadores: they’re literally that annoying.
Bray tags in, and headlocks Big Show, your five hundred pound face-in-peril. Another back suplex gets Show out of that predicament, and he gets the tag to one of those interchangeable masked guys. He keeps knocking Bray Wyatt down, and that just hurts to watch. Bray thankfully flattens him, as Rowan and Harper do to the other Matador and Big Show on the outside. Diego (I guess) hurls himself out onto Harper, then hangs Bray up on the ropes and heads up top; his dive misses, and Bray hits that goddamned delightful running Sister Abigail for the win.
Aside from the finish, I hated a lot of this. This isn’t even due to anger; this was mainly due to Los Matadores and partly due to Big Show. I guess the match was decent enough to earn 2 Stars, because the Wyatts made these guys their bitches throughout.
Our second RAW recap deals with Roman and Seth’s match, and was I the only one who thought it was a strange move to give away a PPV match on free TV the week before the PPV? Renee is with her main squeeze, Reigns, backstage, and he lays out his mission to punch everyone who isn’t him in the face. Probably not Renee either, unless they’re both into that.
Apparently the Slam of the Week was from a match involving the Bellas. I’d like to say I have no words, but I actually have some: my arse.
Cream-Coloured Ponies And Crisp Apple Streudels
AJ’s on commentary, and Paige is in action. Wow, we could be in for another Slam of the Week, guys! Oh, she’s facing Nikki. Man, I almost feel bad mocking this show. No…no, I don’t.
Paige shoves Nikki, who shoves her back, and Paige tackles the fuck out of Nikki and punches her around. Nikki hits a knee from the second rope, pulling on the hair of Paige as AJ watches sedately. Paige manages to kick Nikki to the outside, taking control and applying a sleeper. Nikki fights her way out of it, hitting some forearms to Paige’s face, who stops her momentum with a kick to the stomach. Nikki ducks a clothesline, hitting one of her own in return, then a very sloppy backdrop. Paige hits a kick to the throat, then the Ike Turner for the win.
This was actually kind of inoffensive. That’s as nice as I’m going to be until I find that damn whiskey. 2 Stars.
After the match, AJ once again steals Paige’s title/baby/boyfriend, and then Nikki snatches the belt and hits both women with it. Michaels says that Nikki is frustrated that she hasn’t gotten the recognition that AJ and Paige have and 1) I don’t believe Michael should act like he knows a single thing about women and 2) Nikki might want to remedy that by becoming a far, far, far, far, far, far better wrestler and actor than she is now.
Doorbells And Sleigh Bells And Schnitzel With Noodles
So, despite the fact that Swagger made Bo Dallas tap on Monday, we’re still doing this. Jack immediately forces Bo into the corner, and the ref separates them. They lock up again, and Jack once again forces Bo into the ropes. Dallas slaps Jack right in the face, and then runs away from Swagger, but Jack is a douche-seeking missile, finally reaching a clotheslining Bo on the outside. He slams Bo’s face off the announce table, and then hurls him back in the ring. Bo catches Jack on the apron, neckbreaker-ing him inside the ring, now firmly in control. Headlock applied to Jack as Zeb looks on from the outside. Jack fights out, managing to big boot Bo (hah) and hit the Swagger Bomb. An amateur slam is attempted, but Bo skips out of it and out of the ring, but Jack catches him again, applying the Patriot Lock with Bo on the ropes. After the ref forces the break, Bo hangs Jack’s arm on the ropes, and hits the Bo Dog for the win.
This was fairly hard-hitting, actually. Rather enjoyed that affair. And yes, I have just found the whiskey. JAMESON!! 2.5 Stars.
Bo gets on the mic and says that it looks like Jack has lost his Swagger. This. Fucking. Guy. He tells Jack he doesn’t want to end up like Zeb and rags on the elderly. Jack ends up kicking Bo in the face to cut him off, and Bo actually looks kind of sad about it. Aw.
Recap about Brock Lesnar and John Cena’s off-the-chart sexual tension. Don’t tell me I’m the only one who sees this for what it is.
Renee is earning her money tonight, now interviewing Mark Henry. He drags up that whole Olympic story again; nobody cares, Mark. Nobody remembered until you started bringing it up all the time.
Wild Geese That Fly With The Moon On Their Wings
Main event time. Reigns and Rusev make their way to the ring, and I love the fact that Roman’s decided that, due to the fact he couldn’t get his hands on Rollins until Sunday, he might as well try to break an undefeated streak instead.
The two behemoths tie up, neither one gaining the upper hand and eventually they spill out of the ring. Rusev kicks Reigns and tries to claw his head, but Roman forces him away and they head back into the ring; Reigns ducks a charge from Rusev, then slams an elbow into his face. Another kick from Rusev turns the tide, and Roman’s down with Rusev trying to keep him there. Rusev takes Reigns into the corner, working him over. Bearhug to Reigns, trying to sap Roman’s strength, but Reigns fights out, coming off the second rope right onto Rusev, only for Rusev to again turn the tables with a huge spinning kick as we go to commercial.
Back from the break, Rusev has Roman on the ground, bearhug locked right in there. Roman powers up to his feet, and straight-up headbutts his way free. Rusev throws him into the corner and squashes him in there once, but the second time he runs into a boot. Roman tries a Superman Punch, misses, but still takes Rusev down with a clothesline. Both men are floored, with both reaching their feet at the same time, and the momentum is up for grabs. Rusev staggers Roman, but then runs right into a Samoan Drop!
Clothesline to Rusev in the corner, then again in the centre of the ring. Another clothesline, then a fist, then a boot. Roman’s in firm control, and he hits the apron dropkick! Oh, and here’s Seth Rollins! Bullshit! Rusev hits a superkick! Bullshit! The Accolade is almost applied, but Reigns counters with his variation of a back suplex. Rollins goes up to the top rope, and tries to hit Reigns with the briefcase, but Roman dodges and Seth hits Rusev for the DQ! Bullshit, but amusing!
I liked how this was played out. To quote one Jim Ross, not ballet, but an interesting story and one where every move seemed to count more than it usually does in terms of control and counters. 2.5 Stars.
Reigns clotheslines Rollins out of the ring, and hits the Superman Punch to Rusev. Rollins pulls Roman out of the ring, and the brawl is on at ringside. Seth’s thrown into the crowd, and decides to hightail it, with Roman in pursuit.
Rusev gets his hand raised, but here’s Mark Henry for your patriotic BS. He SUMMONS THE FLAG in his own right, and Henry enters the ring only for Rusev to be all over him. Henry doesn’t seem to be affected by puny Russian power, and shoves Rusev down. World’s Strongest Slam, and that better be the price for Rusev beating Henry this Sunday because, honestly, I can’t stand to see America winning after this nonsense.
Okay, sarcasm and random rage aside? I was unimpressed. I’m sure they tried, but trying isn’t enough. Vince McMahon tries to be in touch with a modern viewership. Internal Affairs tries to stop American police from shooting people for no reason and getting protected by their peers. Some Scottish people tried to get independence. It’s not enough, and neither was this. Five.
David Spain’s WWE Sex Move of the Week: The Wade Barrett Part 2. Slap your wang against your partner’s stomach whilst shouting ‘CAN I HAVE SOME DECORUM?!’ (I guarantee, at least one person has done that already. No, not me).
