The Bachelor Canada – Episode 5 Review

Sometimes, a blog post doesn’t need to delve deep into the issues. Sometimes it’s okay to just scratch the surface. You know when it’s okay? When things are glaringly obvious. Maybe not to the people trapped inside the TV, living their TV lives, unaware of the editing gods watching their every move and calculating how to manipulate it for the purposes of good TV – but it’s obvious to us. The viewers. The fans.

Like for example:

It’s obvious to me that in order to increase Tim’s hot factor, a motorcycle was thrown into last night’s episode.

It’s obvious to me April (and likely obvious to every other girl vying for Tim’s attention on the show) just how excited you are to be chosen for another one-on-one date with Tim. In fact, to say “You guys have no idea how happy I am” is just ridiculous. Cuz they do have an idea. Cuz they have personally felt exactly the same formulaic glee when chosen for their own one-on-ones. Well, except for Dominique who admits to spending ten minutes all season alone with Tim, two of which his tongue was down her throat and two of which were her telling him she’s leaving.

It’s obvious that Toronto is an awesome city. Did ya see that gorgeous skyline???

It’s obvious, once again, that April is a front runner, because Tim has chosen to take her to the spots where his life has taken some drastic changes – and he wants to include her in them.

It’s obvious to me that despite how surface-close those two are getting they still know nothing about each other. She has yet to tell him a thing about her. And speaking of drastic changes – how about we start with April changing out of that god awful burgundy long sleeve from the Old Navy clearance rack. Could you not have done better for a one-on-one???

It’s obvious to me that Tim seriously, actually, officially has a forehead fetish. The kiss he battled April for in their intense game of pool consisted of a quick smooch, followed by an uncomfortably long forehead pressing. Even more obvious? The fact that April was secret doing a BO check when Tim presented her with the rose and hugged her. How else can you explain that awkward embrace?

It’s obvious to me that in order to qualify to be a contestant on this show, you have to have been cheated on in the past. What is up with these girls? It’s like the Canadian equivalent to having Daddy issues on the American version.

It’s obvious to me that I need to broaden my adrenaline-inducing horizons. Because once again, the group date at Wonderland, where Kaylynn, Lisa, Trisha and Sachelle test out Leviathan with Tim – IN THE DARK – is just another activity I’d have to bow out of gracefully. As in, let me hold your funnel cake. As let me fake a heart condition.

Just ask my seven year old son who has been begging me all season to take him on The Bat as I still try to recover from my terrifying experience on Vortex this summer #whatwasIthinking? Not gonna happen, Buddy. Mommy will find a stranger that won’t mind riding with ya, little guy.

It’s obvious to me that sometimes, Karma isn’t a bitch, but a dear old friend, waiting to wipe the over-confident grin off of the resident mean girl’s face, as she revs her engine and puts on her game face.

It’s obvious to me that I need to look up the word ‘charf’. I’ve heard of ‘sharting’ which I think would also be appropriate for Trisha’s experience on Leviathan, but what is this elusive charf you speak of?

It’s obvious I’m getting a little lightheaded, because I was actually cheering for Kaylynn when she got to spend time with Tim’s hot rod after beating Lisa in the Speedway race (sidebar: Where is that Speedway at Wonderland and can my son ride it???)

It’s obvious to me, exactly what Trisha looked like as a baby and toddler. Because she has that pout nailed down and she doesn’t care who knows it.

It’s obvious to me that the girls’ table in the diner was purposely set up basically in the jalopy with Tim and Kaylynn, for maximum awkwardness. The whole restaurant was empty. Could they have sat them at ANY OTHER TABLE? Yes they could have. Perhaps if they had, Lisa’s Beavertail wouldn’t have taken such a beating. Poor thing. Practically treasonous.

It’s SUPER OBVIOUS that Lisa, the lying liar would 100% totally kiss Tim in front of the other girls exactly as Kaylynn did and not give a shit about any of them. Uch.

It’s obvious to me that by the end of the group date, Kaylynn feels attacked and bullied. Because of course she does.

It’s obvious to me that sitting down on a public toilet seat to have a good cry is disgusting. You can cry just as well standing up. Why is this not obvious to Kaylynn? Why?!?

It’s obvious to me that Natalie practiced her entrance back into the hotel about six million times before she finally felt she was bad ass enough to gitter dun.

It’s not obvious to me that there are sparks and a ‘really deep connection’ between Natalie and Tim. Because there aren’t.

It’s obvious to me that Tim isn’t trying that hard to ‘get answers’ despite Dominique’s warning. Because he asked exactly zero questions at the cocktail party to dig for information from the girls. Just ask! They’ll tell you!

It’s obvious to me that part of Lisa’s spell involves a head tilt. It’s her secret weapon. She does it every time he talks to her to signify that she’s endearing and fragile and girly, even though she is none of those things.

It’s obvious I should congratulate Kaylynn, Lisa, April, Sachelle and Trisha, perhaps more so for ‘winning’ a trip to Tuscany, than for getting a rose this episode.

And, It’s obvious to me that my work here is done.