The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.23.95
Ad Roulette! Still only the one ad I’ve ever seen. So they’re rolling it out REALLY slowly. YouTube, on the other hand, has been inundated with ads lately, especially on stuff like the Game Grumps or Machinima.
Live from…ugh…Brandon, MB. THAT place gets a live RAW in 1995 but Edmonton and Calgary didn’t get one until 1997?
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
20-Man Battle Royale, Winner is #1 contender to Intercontinental title
So you’ve got pretty much everyone in the midcard here, including King Kong Bundy who had previously left the company and must be back for a one-shot. And indeed he’s thrown out in 20 seconds. Isaac Yankem doesn’t even have wacky dentist gear, just coming out in a pair of workout pants as an outfit. This guy has NO commitment to a gimmick. Perhaps they should repackage him as something else. Perhaps a fake version of the World champion or long-lost evil brother of a bigger star, whatever. Skip throws out Aldo Montoya around 2:00 in. Just a lot of boring punching and kicking. Bob Holly gets tossed out by Sid at 4:00 and then Duke Droese goes at 4:30. Horowitz backdrops Skip out at 6:00 and we take a break with literally nothing going on. We take a break and return with the ring cleared of HOG, Rad Radford, Kama and a couple of other luminaries. Sid shoves Yankem out at 9:13 and Owen hangs on through various means. It’s basically Sid and five jobbers left, but Bam Bam shoulderblocks Sid out at 10:22. The only heels left are Owen and the pirate, so I’m thinking it’s Owen who wins this parade of sadness. We take another break and return with the final four of Owen, Lafitte, Savio and Marty Jannetty. That is some impressive star power. Owen tries to boost Marty out a few times, but he’s obviously too drunk to cooperate and goes dead weight to stay alive. Marty gets Owen to the apron and stops to celebrate, so Owen gets back in. This thing stretches on and on until Marty pulls both Savio Vega and Lafitte out with a skin the cat move, leaving us Marty v. Owen for the title shot. Marty tries to clothesline him out, but Owen hangs on the apron like the proverbial nugget and necks Marty on the top rope. Owenzuigiri and he tries to put Marty out, but it was only through the middle rope and so it doesn’t count. Jannetty stops to go after Cornette, and that brings out British Bulldog for a beatdown, which easily allows Owen to throw him out for the title shot at 20:00. This was real, real bad, although Owen Hart v. Marty Jannetty seems like a RAW match that would be entertaining. Meltzer actually gave this ***1/2, so obviously he’s a lot more forgiving of battle royales than me. Am I the crazy one here?
Owen Hart promises that next week we find out who the real bad guy is. The answer, of course, is Jian Ghomeshi. If you’re not Canadian you’ll probably have to Google that joke.
KARATE FIGHTERS PRESENTS THE SURVIVOR SERIES SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX! Dok is seemingly on meth this week, jumping around like a maniac while running down the card. And then we get an Ahmed Johnson promo as a bonus! He’s gonna teach us the meaning of wiakakdjakdadkaka.
Avatar v. Brian Walsh
Oh fuck me, it’s fucking Avatar. Poor Al Snow. So yeah, the gimmick is that he’s a ninja who comes to the ring unmasked and then puts it on before the match to channel his inner ninja or some shit. Snow was actually in something of a bidding war at the start of the Monday Night Wars, and THIS is what he chose as the best alternative. He misses a moonsault on the jobber while the crowd is deathly silent, but comes back with a backbreaker and standing moonsault for the pin at 2:32. This gimmick was DEATH, and it wasn’t even the stupidest thing they’d try with him!
WWF Women’s title: Bertha Faye v. Alundra Blayze
Faye quickly overpowers Blayze and slams her a few times, and a legdrop gets two. Blayze with a sunset flip for two, but a second one is blocked with a buttdrop for two. Faye pounds away in the corner and we take a break. Back with Blayze making the comeback with some impressive hiptosses and a missile dropkick for two. She uses a few hairtosses and tries a piledriver, but Bertha goes up and gets taken down by Blayze. Harvey tries to interfere, that goes badly, and Blayze regains the title with a german suplex at 8:54. This was OK but fell apart at the end. ** The idea was supposed to be Blayze doing her next program with Aja Kong for a while before dropping the title at Royal Rumble, but plans changed significantly on that front, of course.
Next week: Razor Ramon v. Owen Hart! Goldust debuts against Savio Vega!
But first, Shawn Michaels has a sitdown interview with Jim Ross, still showing two black eyes from his beating at the hands of 18 armed marines.
Back with more on the weekend, hopefully, assuming they continue with the three-per-week pace.
Tags: Avatar, battle royale, monday night raw, SmarK Rants, SmarK WWE Network Raw Rant