Hey there, dear readers. As you may have remembered from, like, last week, I made the announcement that this week would mark the second occasion of that grandest of the grand events: David Spain’s SmackDown Drinking Review! The rules are simple and are written below. Obey them, and join me in this glorious endeavour! To hangovers!
- Every sleeper hold (if it gets broken and then reapplied, it’s two sleeper holds) requires you to down a shot.
- Every time a heel who has no business getting in any offence, let alone a string of offence, manages to keep the face down, take a drink.
- Any time any wrestler says their own established catchphrase, take a drink.
- If Jimmy Uso crosses the line into ‘bad husband’ territory, down a shot.
- Every RAW flashback requires a shot.
- When Cole or JBL make an outrageously false statement, take a drink.
Well, let’s get this Super SmackDown going, I guess. Lots of pyro and whatnot, and this whole ‘super’ bullshit is because it’s WWE Week on the USA Network. And…because it’s live, I guess? Probably.
How Was Dancing Supposed To Translate Into Wrestling?
Fandango looks like he’s halfway on the road to sexing Rosa right there in the ring, which would be an excellent use of my Sky+ subscription. But Roman Reigns is here to ensure that no such activity goes down. Roman is going to spend the next while beating the hell out of Big Show, which makes this match with Fandango sort of promiscuous. We recap Reigns-related events from Monday night, and I think that’s our first shot of the evening folks. Ah…Stolichnaya.
Bell rings, and these two lock up. You have to hand it to Fandango for being willing to take on Reigns, considering that his most intense storyline has involved him getting beaten up by Summer Rae and Layla. Fandango smacks Roman, who whacks him right back. Headlock by Fandango; he gets shot off the ropes and put in a headlock by Roman. Fandango tries a waistlock and just gets tossed to the ground by Reigns. Snapmare out of the corner by Roman, who then pancakes Fandango in the opposite corner and clotheslines him. Fandango ducks out of the ring and hangs Reigns up on the ropes, taking advantage off that with a vicious beating inside the ring: take a drink.
Sleeper hold to Reigns: do a shot. His attempts to climb out are unsuccessful and Fandango keeps the sleeper locked in. Whilst this happens, JBL claims that Big Show wanting to injure Roman Reigns is him standing up for family values: take a drink. Holy shit, it’s going to be that sort of night, isn’t it? Fandango finally gets thrown into the corner, manages to repel Roman and come off the top…into an uppercut. Reigns works his way back up to his feet, ducks a clothesline to hit one of his own. He’s all over Fandango now, hitting a big bodyslam, then the Superman Punch, and the spear finishes it.
Nice return for Roman Reigns; I was expecting a far longer time away for him, and I feel even happier that he’s back in that things haven’t totally gone to hell in his absence. Looking forward to more matches. 2.5 Stars.
We review the PPV match between Ambrose and Wyatt, including the dumbest fucking finish I have ever seen. It’s like CM Punk was a talisman which kept Vincent Russo away from the booking. Then Ambrose comes out to the ring here, without so much as a limp. This is not aided by the commentary team asking how he’s even alive after Sunday night. Ambrose says he loved every second of the TLC match, because he’s craaaaaaazy. He says that that night, Wyatt was afraid, because it was the first time he wrestled someone who didn’t care. Man, imagine how scared he’d be if he had to wrestle Ryback or Swagger. Tomorrow (which is Wednesday), they’ll be in a Boot Camp match, because wacky gimmicks are how things are settled: fuck TLC. Although if a Boot Camp match involves R Lee Ermey screaming at Bray that he bets he’s the kind of guy to fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reacharound whilst Wyatt spiderwalks, I will be all over that.
Wyatt appears onscreen and starts babbling like a fat Marlon Brando. Actually, seeing as how that’s an Apocalypse Now reference, just Marlon Brando. Well, it’s nice to see that absurdly violent and weapon-filled match between these two just meant nothing at all. Bray yells stuff that sounds amazing but, because this is wrestling, is honestly just so much meaningless gibberish.
Everyone Loves Sandow, So WWE Don’t Let Him Wrestle
Aw man, get those shot glasses ready; it’s the Usos. I really hope this whole storyline ends with Jimmy forming a tag-team with Tyson Kidd out of their inability to not be godawful partners (ironically, they would have a wonderful relationship with each other). They’re teaming up with Erick Rowan to face Miz2 and Harper which means, just so you’re keeping track, one of the Wyatts is teaming with the Usos to fight the other Wyatt. Never would have called that two months ago.
Sandow gets pops, and Harper just seems to not get Miz. Miz and Jimmy start, but Miz tags in Harper, who is apparently fed up of his bullshit already. Harper takes it to Jimmy in the corner, before punching him to the ground in the middle of the ring. Miz then tags in so he can literally kick a man whilst he’s down. Jimmy fires up a little, punching Miz down in the corner, but the A-Lister slides out to avoid the Samoan Wrecking Ball. Jimmy pursues Miz until he hides behind Harper and we go to break.
Back from the break, Jey reverses and suplex and tags in Jimmy. Jimmy clotheslines Miz out of the ring, and Sandow goes out with him. Jealous Husband Uso tries to dive out of the ring, but Harper cuts him off with a massive boot to the face; he seemed to tag in without me seeing, or the ref is massively lenient. He guillotines Jimmy on the ropes, and…okay, it’s not a sleeper hold: put the glasses down. Jimmy fights out, only to run into a dropkick. Miz comes in the ring again, to what looks like Harper’s chagrin (it’s difficult to detect chagrin through a beard). Miz hits some uninspired offence to keep Jimmy reeling, then misses a boot to the face, almost gets rolled up and clotheslines Jimmy.
Cheers for Sandow as Miz teases tagging him, and then he tags in Harper. I would have loved it if Harper had then tagged in Sandow, but he just Gator Rolls Jimmy, and now Sandow’s imitating him for larks. Harper tosses Jimmy out, and then watches Miz confront Sandow about who he’s contractually obliged to imitate, clearly so over this scene. Jimmy, meanwhile, crawls back into the ring but is caught by Harper before he can tag out. Massive sideslam to Uso, and then Harper tags in Miz for some stomps before tagging himself back in…and then Sandow tags himself in…before Miz tags himself in; he smacks Jey Uso off the apron before Jimmy takes him out and tags in Rowan!
Rowan comes in hard and fast, hurling Miz from one corner to the other. He squashes him against the turnbuckles before running right over him; full nelson slam before Sandow breaks up the pin. The Usos toss Sandow, then double-superkick both Harper and Miz before diving out onto Harper. Rowan is left in the ring with Miz, and I think this is the part where we watch Miz get eaten. The Usos tell Harper to go up to the top, and I’m convinced they still hold a grudge from their tag-title feud, but Rowan hits a splash from the top for a pin.
That was a decent match already, but the comedy added by the heels elevated it for me. Harper and Miz were some entertaining straight men to Sandow’s antics. 3 Stars.
Ohshit.jpg, Jimmy and Naomi in the same place. They act happy for a bit, but there aren’t any smiles on the inside. Jimmy apologises for apparently being a dick on MizTV; I didn’t watch it but it’s not a stretch to imagine. But…he wants to be at ringside? Man, none of that. Jimmy…actually takes that way better than I thought. Damn, no shot.
Did I just complain about not being able to take a shot?
Recap of RAW: drink, motherfuckers. I have to say, Lesnar’s beatdown of Jericho was so badass that, when having to take care of Santa at my place of work the following day, I had to suppress the urge to F5 him in front of all of the children. Also, aren’t a street fight, an extreme rules match and a no holds barred match all the exact same fucking thing?
How Does Lana Still Afford Her Outfits Now?
Seth Rollins comes out, selling his injuries hard. See, Ambrose, it’s not that goddamn difficult. We apparently still don’t know what’s going on with Rollins and Heyman, but I would be on board with him being a Heyman Guy; I can imagine it working very well. We then recap RAW again (DRINK) to watch Ryback step up to the Rusev plate. Ryback’s intensity is extremely effective from where I’m sitting, and it’s the kind of thing that will give him some distinction from Reigns and his quieter form of badassitude. Oh shit, Rusev just jumped Ryback. That dirty Commie. Rusev superkicks Ryback off the stage, and then again out of sight. Man, I bet he’s just really pissed about the Russian economy; right now the US Title is pretty much all of their currency. Also, the timing of Rusev’s attack meant that we just avoided having to take a drink due to wrestler-quoted catchphrasing.
Rollins gets on the mic and uses this issue to argue in favour of the Authority returning: fucking politician. He was robbed at TLC by Reigns, and then tries to claim that Lesnar never helped him on RAW; he really is a politician. Seth tries to give himself a day off, which still seems like a punishment seeing as how he’s planning on spending it with Mercury and Noble. Dolph arrives to save Rollins from his awful night by challenging him to a match. What a stand-up guy. Aw, Noble and Mercury look really sad about not getting to party with Rollins. Wow, everyone’s avoided their catchphrases so far.
Jimmy, You Dick
Naomi shows up, and we recap again, but it’s from Main Event, so nobody drink. I said don’t drink! Also, Jimmy was a douche in that recap, but that happened in a flashback, so nobody drink for that either. Here are the Bella Twins, and I hope there’s a lot to drink about in this match.
Naomi gets a waistlock, then a roll-up, before Nikki clotheslines her. Irish whip sends Naomi into a corner, but she hits a kick to the face for another pin attempt. Punches to Nikki now, but…the Bella hits the Alabama Slam! Unusual choice of move, but I like seeing it. Snap suplex to Naomi, and then a rebound suplex using the top rope for a two-count. Nikki’s repertoire is certainly more impressive here than it has been recently…and a sleeper hold! Shot! Naomi rolls through, but then both wrestlers collide in mid-air. Oh God, it’s Miz, because he hasn’t creeped enough this week. Naomi hits a dropkick and kip up, then a somersault clothesline for a two-count. Kick to Nikki’s head from the apron, and then Naomi hangs Nikki up on the ropes. Nikki turns things around with a knee to the face, then hits a crossbody off the second rope…and nearly gets rolled up for the pin! Nikki throws Naomi through the second ropes in a desperate bid to create separation, and Miz tries to talk Naomi back into it…and here’s Jimmy to assault the guy encouraging his wife! Shot! Naomi is distracted enough that she gets rolled up for the three!
I actually got into this match. Naomi is very talented, and I agree with the commentators’ assertions that she is the best pure athlete in her division. Nikki, however, actually brought some decent moves to this bout. I’m pretty emotionally invested in hating all things Bella, but this was honestly a fair match. 2.5 Stars.
When All You Have Is A Guy In A Bunny Costume
Adam Rose is apparently doing suicide via Kane again tonight, and a RAW recap of the last time means we take a shot! Kane and Rose circle each other, and then Adam rolls out of the ring to psyche up with his Rosebuds. He comes back into the ring, gets thrown off the ropes and kicks Kane to no effect, then tries again and gets knocked down. Rose is in the corner, but manages to hit a crossbody, and I believe that’s going to require a drink. Shit, I am just going through this Corona like nobody’s business. Rose celebrates rather than follow up on his offence, and takes a boot for his trouble. Clothesline gets the win.
I don’t know what’s going on here; must take a while to find a new hobby once your employers aren’t allowed to run the WWE again. 1.5 Stars.
Kane looks like he’s going to go, but apparently it’s rabbit season, so he tombstones the Bunny. Well, so much for whoever was inside that bunny getting a push: thank God.
Goldust and Stardust are backstage, and I think Stardust is channelling Jim Carrey’s Riddler. Also the Grinch, because he’s green and they both hate Christmas. Ho Ho Who Cares.
Renee Young is backstage with Rollins, and asks him about his motivation in this scene. Apparently Rollins has dedicated his life to making Cena’s own a long list of failures, and that’s a motto I can get behind. Until the Authority gets back, Rollins is going to make every WWE employee’s life a misery. Bah, humbug.
Black N’ Blond
Main event time, and here’s Dolph Ziggler, followed by Seth Rollins. They circle each other, but then Rollins skips out of the ring to, I guess, apologise again to Noble and Mercury for not going out on the town with them tonight. Back in the ring, Rollins controls Dolph’s arm, but Dolph reverses it, headlocks him, gets shot off the ropes and hits a shoulder tackle, sending Rollins back out of the ring. He comes back inside; headlock takeover to Ziggler, who works his way back to his feet. JBL claims he never complained about anything, and I remember that nigh-year-long title reign/complaint session, so drink. Back up a vertical base, Ziggler shoots Seth off him, avoids him twice and hits a big hip toss for one.
Rollins tries to get out of the ring, but Ziggler doesn’t let him create any space, staying on him and throwing hands. Rollisn does manage to beat Dolph down in the corner, then takes him to the mat with a clothesline. Knee drop to the face for two by Seth. He attempts a back suplex; Dolph rolls out of that, rolls Seth up and hits a dropkick. Zig-Zag is countered; Ziggler is distracted by Noble and Mercury and Rollins manages to knock him out of the ring. On the outside, Noble introduces his fist to Ziggler’s face, with the referee too distracted by Seth’s giant-ass neck to see it. We go to a break.
When we come back, Dolph has tried a dropkick but that gets countered into a catapult into the corner. Seth firmly in control with Mercury hitting a shot to a downed Ziggler. Hard Irish whip to Ziggler, sending him into the corner and crumpling to the ground. Seth stalks him, mocking him with some nonchalant kicks, and then Ziggler fires up, hitting blows and a dropkick to the injured ribs to send Rollins back…for a moment, before Seth explodes into him with a clothesline and hurls him out of the ring. Rollins waits on the apron and tries for an axe-handle, but Dolph ducks away and Seth slams into the announce table; Ziggler then throws him into the steps.
Dolph gets back into the ring before Rollins hangs him up on the ropes. He heads up to the top, but Ziggler unbalanaces him, knocking Seth back down to the mat. Stinger splash to Rollins, then a neckbreaker and an elbow for two. Perfect dropkick gets another two as J and J Security look on. Both men try to regain their feet, and Rollins hits a knee to the gut. Dolph tries a DDT; it gets reversed; Dolph ducks a kick and this time the DDT plants Rollins for two. Punches from Dolph to the prone Rollins, and once up to a vertical base both men exchange blows. Finally, Seth catches a kick and hits his leaping kick to the skull for a close two-count. Seth climbs to the top, but Ziggler catches him and hits a facebuster from the top rope for the first near-fall of the match!
Both men are down once again, slow to make it upright. Dolph tries a Fameasser; Rollins ducks and both of them jockey for position before Ziggler rolls through into a pin; Rollins kicks out and gets elevated over the top rope onto Mercury and Noble! Ziggler throws him back in the ring and hits the Fameasser for another near-fall. As Dolph attempts the Zig-Zag, Mercury distracts the referee and Noble beans Ziggler in the head…and the ref ejects them! Rollins argues with the man in the striped shirt, and takes a Zig-Zag! Ziggler wins!
Great match. Once again, Ziggler’s rise is unmistakeable right now, and a victory over Rollins underlines this emphatically. The bout itself was extremely well done. 4 Stars.
J and J try to grab Ziggler as the match ends, but he escapes them, celebrating on the ramp.
This was mostly a very good show. Storylines were advanced, matches were of a decent length. Shame about all of the filler and recaps we didn’t need, sort of nullifying the point of a longer show. But hey, it was still a good week. Nine.
So, hey, I just wanted to wish you guys all a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah or Awesome Winter Festival 0r whatever the hell else you might be doing. And, as I am unable to give you all festive cards, I hope that this will suffice instead: your brave narrator dressed up as a Christmas pudding, alongside Santa. It doesn’t get any more Christmassy than that. Have a lovely time next week, and God bless us, everyone.
