Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 9th 2014: Je Suis Charlie

It’s Friday night, ladies and gents, so you know what that means. Yep, it’s time for our two hour RAW recap, with some matches in between. But I have an aerating carafe filled with red wine so…you know…your fucking move, WWE.

This recap is actually pretty enjoyable because 1) I got to relive my joy at Royal Rumble’s title match not just being Cena and Lesnar again and 2) Cena was just miserable for that whole show. And…just the fact that Triple H was dumb enough to stand in a ring with four guys who despised him, who knew that he was going to something awful to them, really makes me wonder how suited he is to run a company. He’s almost as dumb as the guys who didn’t beat him into a coma before he could fire them, I mean come on!

But I guess this does mean the Authority gets a taste of their own ‘yeah, we were never really gone at all’ medicine.

We kick off le show proper (I’m learning French, although I am very sure that is not French) with Seth Rollins and his bitches. JBL’s blaming John Cena; Michael Cole is a bleeding heart and Tom has a ridonkulous new hairstyle. Seth is seriously happy about the fact that his bosses have let go of two red-hot ticket-sellers this Monday, because if it makes Cena sad then it’s worth letting Ziggler and Ryback go to TNA. Also, the graphic on my screen flashes up the words ‘WWE: Bigger and Better’ at this moment. No, you are three people smaller and two people worse. Rollins tries to pin the blame for the firings on Cena and, no, I’m pretty sure it’s his fault and the Authority’s fault; I think John just saved someone from paralysis/death. Also, does this mean that the title match at Rumble is going to be 2/3rds about this, and 1/3 about Lesnar’s wish to beat the world’s population into bloody surrender?

Rollins asks for ten seconds of silence so we can acknowledge the pointlessness of Rowan, the incredible stop-starting of Ziggler and the walking injury risk that is Ryback, who they might be sending to TNA as some kind of crippling Trojan horse. They even toll the bell, leading to Roman Reigns interrupting what was basically a eulogy. See, this is why I love Reigns: he isn’t involved in any part of this storyline, other than despising Rollins, who he’s demonstrated the ability to handily demolish. He just likes beating up dudes, which is a selfish yet at least logical motivation. Roman eyes up Seth, who quotes Bowfinger (what a ridiculous, wonderful movie). Reigns’ acting lessons sure weren’t in vain; I almost wish he’d been injured longer. And he’s making jokes, so the Cena-ification has officially begun. Oh, and there’s the poop joke. Stop it! Stop it right now! Roman thankfully turns it around by clearing the ring, badass style, and that could have been so much better if he hadn’t talked before doing it.

Seth and the Cruiserweights (excellent band name) beat it to the entrance ramp, and Big Show and Kane join them; pretty sure Roman could still kill all of them. Kane says that tonight it will be Rollins and Big Show vs. Roman Reigns, and whoever Reigns finds as a tag-team partner, i.e. anyone who hates the Authority, whose superpower is making everyone hate them. Then again, this brainwave came from a supporter of Ron Paul and economic libertarianism, so what were we expecting? Coherent thought? Big Show compares his fist to Reigns’, using the word ‘meaty’. Yep…yep, that’d be your standard penis metaphor. He then threatens to punch out Reigns, his partner, and everyone in the arena, so what we got out of that is that Big Show would like to slap his wang across people’s faces. Again, logical motivation. Show says that he’s a tiger; no, wait, he’s a giant. And Roman’s screwed. Or cockslapped; I’m still unsure.

Backstage, Kane is on his phone to his imaginary friend, and then Mizdow and Miz show up to Miz all over his office. Miz wants a two-team rematch against the Usos for the title, but then Sandow manages to toss water into a Kane’s face, and Kane states that the triple-threat tag match is still on. Come on, Kane, have the decency to electrocute Miz’s testicles at least.

Adam Rose Is One Of My Dead Hopes And Dreams

Oh hell, Adam Rose is in the ring. And he’s got Tyson and Cesaro with him, which is even worse. Don’t get me wrong: I love Kidd and Cesaro, but I don’t want them associated with Adam Rose, lest he get his irrelevance on them; just let them wrestle the Ascension already. Apparently Kidd and Cesaro are sick of asking for things, and their go-to reaction is to get involved in feuds that not even the WWE cares about. Do you hear the people sing?

Big E backs Rose into a corner, pounding on him before hitting a shoulder thrust. Rose manages to catch Langston with a spinebuster, and then lays down some strikes of his own. Sleeper hold locked in, at about one minute into this match. Big E powers out, and then lays Rose out with a clothesline. Adam Rose gets caught, and then takes a belly-to-belly. Warrior Splash hits, but Rose is able to slide out of the Big Ending, and then hits an enzuigiri to Langston, followed by a tornado DDT for a near-fall! Rose shows some frustration, charging off the ropes at Langston, who manages to lift him up for the Big Ending, and that’s the finish.

I don’t know why, but I was extremely aware of how quick that was. How much money do you think they made for, what, about three minutes’ work? The match itself was so-so; I cannot understand what went wrong with the New Day, but it certainly feels like it has. 2 Stars.

The overwhelmingly positive New Day want to beat the hell out of Kidd and Cesaro, but those two take a walk.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am

The Ascension’s here, probably to continue their reign of dominance over Ryback’s old opponents. Remember how Ryback would beat two or three of those jobbers at the same time? JBL and Philips claim that the Ascension are no Road Warriors, probably because neither Konnor nor Viktor are addicted to drugs. Viktor gets on the mic and gives the same ‘we’re better than all of these old guys’ speech from Monday. Also, did they seriously just insult the deceased Hawk?

Konnor starts off against Who, attacking him and dumping him out the ring. Viktor gets the tag and goes on the assault, throwing Who back inside the ring, and then blasts AreTheseTwo off the apron. Fall of Man hits, and it’s over.

Yeah, I get the idea that Jobbers shouldn’t stand a chance against these two, but they could at least show off more than one move. Showcase a little more, why don’t you? 1.5 Stars.

Byron is backstage with the Usos, and rather than asking them anything related to what they’re doing, he instead asks about the end of RAW. The Usos apparently believe they can’t be fired, because they’re not afraid to shoot their mouths off, and don’t seem concerned about the triple-threat match.

Some People Don’t Take Physical Assault Well

Alicia Fox is in the ring, and she’s apparently crazy again, in case anyone was keeping track of the WWE’s inability to write female characters. She’ll be facing Naomi, who was the victim of the aforementioned chauvinism. Also, since when were Alicia and Naomi supposedly friends?

Naomi takes Alicia down with a dropkick, hurls her across the ring and takes it to her with some punches. Stinger splash to Fox in the corner, then a snapmare and hard kick to the back. All Naomi right now, as Alicia tries to hit a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Naomi manages to turn it into a crossbody: impressive. Fox finally rallies with a knee to the gut, but that lasts no time at all, as Naomi hits a monkey-flip, and then a nice hurricanrana. She charges Alicia in the corner, but Fox jumps over Naomi, rolling her up for the three, using the ropes for leverage.

The disparity in offence in this match makes it inferior to the one these two had either last week or the week before, but it was still good. Naomi’s one of the stand-outs of the locker room, along with AJ, Paige and Nat and, though you didn’t see it here, Alicia can go in her own right. 2.5 Stars.

Hey, now that the Authority’s back, you know what else is back? Triple H and Michael Cole’s ‘We’re Not Wearing Pants’ Interviews! It was all worth it! Triple H makes his weaselly excuses, and whatever happened to the Triple H who didn’t make excuses for a damn thing he did, and just beat the shit out of you for giggles?

Tom calls the Ambulance match ‘the end of an era’, and that comment is almost enough to make me glad I won’t be listening to him for much longer. Oh, wait, he’s getting replaced by fucking Jerry Lawler.

Bray appears onscreen, and I swear to God, this had better not lead to another gimmick match. Seriously, this peaked at TLC.

Triple The Dudes, Triple The Threat

The Usos, the Dust Brothers and Miz2 show up to the ring, ready to do this championship thang. Jey starts off against Miz; they lock up before Miz applies a headlock. Jey rolls out, and Miz has to avoid Goldust trying to tag himself in. Another headlock applied to Jey; Jey shoots Miz off, and Miz knocks him back down. Jey puts on the headlock now, coming off the ropes to shoulderblock Miz himself. They trade pinning combinations for bit, before Jey hits a massive uppercut, taking Miz over in a headlock and tagging in Jimmy.

Miz hits Jimmy with a jawbreaker, then throws him into a corner; the Uso dodges Miz and hits an uppercut of his own. Chops to the chest of Miz; he floors Jimmy with as kick, but Stardust tags himself in and does some creepy shit. Bit of chain wrestling between Jimmy and Stardust before the Uso hits a calf kick. Jey comes in, hitting a forearm and a splash to the younger Rhodes. Jimmy comes back for a double elbow drop, but Goldust manages to get the tag off a cheap shot.

Jimmy takes Goldust down with a clothesline, then both Uso throw Stardust out of the ring, and then Miz, and then step back to allow Mizdow to throw himself out. Mizdow’s little ‘step aside, boys; I’ve got this’ gesture to both of them was a perfect example of why I love the guy. Jey flies through second ropes to take out the Miz, and then Stardust hits the Falling Star to take out Miz and Jey. Stardust then stares at Mizdow, until Mizdow takes another bump, and then Stardust celebrates; that is a half-star, right there. Jimmy hits a big shoulderblock to take Stardust out, and then tosses him back into the ring; he goes to climb high, but Stardust crotches him off a distraction by Goldust, and we go to break.

Back from the commercials, Jimmy hits a dragon whip to Stardust, but stumbles into Miz2’s corner, and Miz tags himself in, throwing Jimmy out. He teases tagging in Mizdow, but the distraction almost gets him rolled up; Stardust rolls out of a Skull-Crushing Finale, and Mizdow gets the blind tag! Clothesline to Stardust! Back/Neckbreaker to Stardust! Miz calls for the tag, distracting Mizdow enough to that Stardust can hurl him through the ropes; Goldust tags in and hits a clothesline from the outside. Goldust works on the leg of Mizdow, then applies a sleeper as Mizdow fights out. Jawbreaker staggers Goldust, but Stardust tags in, stomping MizDow. Why does Stardust keep crotch-thrusting? I feel like I should know. Goldust comes in, slapping on another sleeper. Mizdow fights his way to his feet, then out of the hold, but eats a big spinebuster. Tag to Stardust, and he lays Miz out with a Disaster Kick; Mizdow backdrops him, but Miz is on the outside. The Usos call for the tag; Mizdow hurls Goldust through the ropes and then does tag in Jey Uso!

Jey comes in hard and fast, knocking Stardust around before hitting a nasty-looking Samoan Drop. Goldust pulls Stardust out of the way of a Samoan Wrecking Ball, tagging himself in. He slides out of a Samoan Drop, and hits the Rhodes Uppercut to Jey, staggering him. Jey avoids the powerslam; Jimmy tags in and they both superkick Goldust. Miz breaks up the pin, and gets superkicked for his efforts. Mizdow hits the Skull-Crushing Finale to Jey! Goldust hits the Final Cut to Mizdow! He tries it again on Jimmy Uso, but gets rolled up for two. Goldust hits an uppercut, and then tries to send Jimmy towards Stardust, who’s ready with a low-bridge, but Jimmy reverses the Irish whip, and Goldust falls out of the ring! Jimmy flies out, hitting Stardust on the outside, and then throws Goldust into the ring; Samoan Splash for the win!

Really great match. And with an absence of Kidd and Cesaro, who would have elevated it even more. Mizdow was just golden here; he needs more match time, otherwise his shtick will get staler faster. 3 Stars.

We’re all still crying about Cena being easily-manipulated, and about that not-real firing. Apparently sent their cameras after Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler, apparently not afraid of death or dismemberment. Rowan’s dry delivery of ‘disappointment comes to mind’ was excellent. Also, if you were the Authority, why in God’s name would you want to piss off Roman Reigns? You’re already going to have Daniel Bryan, a man who has gone on record stating that he wants to fight Brock Lesnar, and Randy Orton, who literally portrays a psychopath at this stage, gunning for you; it’s like they experienced their downfall at Survivor Series and said, ‘it just wasn’t grand enough…’

Only John Cena Could Beat These Two In A Handicap Match

Big Show and Rollins are in the ring, with Kane and the Cruiserweights looking on. Roman arrives, all set to kick the shit out of everyone, ever, just because. We watch a RAW recap, showing that Big Show couldn’t get the better of Reigns whilst using steel stairs, even with his impressive 1-0 streak in Stairs Matches. Reigns is shaping up to take on both Authority members, but then Ambrose shows up, rushing Rollins as Roman takes out the Big Show. The Cruiserweights bundle Rollins out of the ring as Ambrose screams at everyone. Well, at least Ambrose getting involved makes perfect sense; if the Authority tries to fire him, he’ll show up next week wearing Triple H’s face.

Bell rings, and Rollins and Ambrose start off, with Dean hitting a crossbody and raining down some punches. Big chop to Seth’s chest, then a tag to Reigns, who flattens Rollins in the corner, then takes him out with a massive clothesline. This really is catharsis for the Shield, isn’t it? Tag to Ambrose, who hits his running dropkick to Seth, and then tough-talks Big Show. Rollins slips out of a suplex, but Ambrose goes on the assault again, before Big Show drags Seth out of the ring to regroup as we go to a break.

Back from the break, the Big Show is firmly in control of Ambrose. Wow, his trash-talking is just godawful. Rollins comes in with a boot to the knee, and then stamps on Dean’s hand. He works the knee some more, but Ambrose hits a thumb to the eye, hobbling for the tag. Rollins is too fast, however, continuing to assault Dean’s knee. Ambrose is tossed through the ropes, where the Cruiserweights hurl him into the barricade. Rollins lays Ambrose on the apron, hitting a massive boot to the side of the head, and then tags in Big Show. Show lays a massive chop across Ambrose’s chest, just straight flooring him. He shoves Dean to the ground again and again, and if I’ve learned anything it’s if a bully starts picking on a psychopath, the psychopath will end up wearing their teeth as a necklace. Ambrose tries to rally, running into a chokeslam, but manages to slip out of it. Big Show runs into Dean’s boot, and Ambrose is able to hit a tornado DDT before hitting the tag!

Reigns comes in, as does Rollins, and Roman smacks him all over the place. Kane gets up on the apron, and has to avoid a Superman Punch, but the distraction allows Seth to…get thrown into Kane and eat a Superman Punch. The Cruiserweights get on the apron…and eat a Superman Punch between them. Big Show finally comes back, chokeslamming Reigns, but Ambrose missile-dropkicks Show, and then dives from the top rope onto…all of the Authority! Seth goes for the Curb Stomp, but Reigns dodges it, hitting the Spear!

Another good match, and a powerful image to leave SmackDown on: the Authority lying in ruins as the remnants of the Shield make their exit. Ambrose’s injured offence was great dedication, and Roman just keeps giving you reasons to be glad he’s back. 3 Stars.

Sweet moment as Reigns makes sure to hustle Ambrose out of there before any of the Authority recover. Also, check out how damn fast Reigns is off the ground and running before he hits the Spear; the guy’s speed is ridiculous.

Great SmackDown to finish Friday nights with: bit of an iffy start with the New Day and the Ascension taking its damn time to fight anyone important, but it was all worth it way before the halfway mark. At least Thursday night broadcasts free up my week in a good way, so that’s appreciated. I guess I’ll see y’all on Thursday, and have a great weekend. Show gets a nine.

Movie Recommendation: I finally got around to watching Melancholia, which is another Lars Von Trier flick, with Von Trier regular Charlotte Gainsbourg (who is the scariest person, like, ever). The film itself, to me at least, is total perfection. I had to stop what I was doing and just watch it all the way through; it is a very powerful film.

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