Allergic to Alcohol: TNA Impact on Destination America 01/16/2015

Reviews

Well, took awhile but Primewire finally posted Friday’s Impact, so here goes my first TNA recap. You all owe me cookies for this.

My format for this will be “Watch, Pause, add note to WIP, Curse my inability to drink, resume watching til next thought strikes”. Fair warning, I legit can’t drink alcohol so there WILL be profanity.

Here goes nothing…

Show cold opens with a video package recapping last week’s Destination America debut, and it’s… actually a pretty damn good video package, on par with what WWE usually does. It was well-edited, fast paced, got over the main storylines established last week, and was pretty fluid and tight. Did they get a new production staff? I don’t remember TNA’s video packages EVER being this good. Aaaaaand then they ruin it by switching to Tough Enough Runner Up walking in an editing studio with folded papers instead of going straight into the show. If I could drink I’d be two shots in just for that.

Oh goddess he’s pimping that whole “you’re gonna see a totally new side of impact that isn’t really all that new or unique” crap, this time harping about “dynamic light and movie style camera angles” and I feel like I’m back in Grade 11 TV Class watching that one kid who thinks he’s the next Spielberg give his mid-term presentation. I’m beginning to wonder f stomach bleeding would really be so bad and I’m not even 3 minutes in yet.

Then we cut to an angry post World Title loss Bobby Roode demanding a match with Eric Young, who I imaging will be getting a main event push solely to pimp his admittedly awesome solo show on DestAmer where he stupidly risks his life trying out dangerous shit he’s in no way trained to do. Fair enough I guess, but really, when does the actual show at the arena start? Having Josh Matthews there is already giving me painful Velocity flashbacks as it is.

Yeah, those HD Camera Angles (™ & ©) sure are paying off with Roode’s face blurring to high hell every 5 seconds.

Apparently they cut a deal with some record label, as there’s a graphic on screen when they finally cut to the arena listing the title and artist of whatever is currently playing and pimping it’s upcoming release on iTunes. Well, at least it’s better than most of the crap Dale produced for them the past ten years.

And now we get a shitty MVP promo where he sings bad Reggae and puts himself over to Tripsy levels while being all edgy and talking about how him and Samoa Joe used to wrestle the indies in Florida working just to share a hot dog and then fumbling his lines when revealing the new faction name of “the Beatdown Clan” and visibly having an “ah fuck did I really just say that?” moment when he tells the audience “you can call us the Clan” and realizing the implications of calling a faction comprised of three black guys, a samoan, and a polynesian “the Clan”, and I’m seriously considering hospitalization as a preferable alternative and staring longingly at the bottle of Jack my last houseguest left here. And we’re still only 6:22 in.

MVP brings Eric Young out to absolutely NO reaction whatsoever. The crowd is literally just staring a hole through him, until his music stops and THEN they start the “You Sold Out” chants. Such a considerate New York crowd, waiting til we at home can hear them.

EY is giving a dull monotone promo I can’t even focus on. Something about him deserving stuff Roode failed to give him. I’m sorry I’m not really listening, I’m too busy watching Samoa Joe try to act Gansta and just looking like the fat Hawaiian who sells shrimp on Hawaii Five-O. Total Thuglife Fail Joe. I no longer want to chant “Joe’s gonna kill you”. I want to chant “Joe’s Gonna Feed You”.

Now The Charisma Vacuum that is Bobby Lashley is called out but thankfully doesn’t answer the summons. Instead Kurt “DUI” Angle’s music hits and he comes out trying to sell the BDC as thugs and I’m less than convinced. Kurt just has no passion here. I’m wondering if he really only resigned with TNA because Trispy wouldn’t return his phone calls.

Aaaaaand then they do the thing all Wrestling shows just LOVE to do that pisses me off to high hell and go to commercial on a goddamn TAPED SHOW and come back to join a match “in progress”, as Angle/Joe apparently started during the break because they think this is edgy editing.

Hey do you guys remember when Angle and Joe were tearing down the house with epic kickass matches that got TNA noticed and were putting anything happening in WWE at the time to shame? Yeah me either. This is just painful. They’re both slow, sluggish, seem to be struggling with their timing, and WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CUTTING TO SOME SHMUCK IN THE BACK KNOCKING ON A DOOR?

Why Goddess oh why can’t I drink?

FINALLY at least Joe gets some steam and starts actually busting his ass. Angle is trying bless his heart, but Joe is clearly doing all the work. Crowd is, to be fair, really into this match, switching allegiances to whomever is in control, and popping huge whenever the old boys do something impressive. I’m struggling to believe they’re really in the Hammerstein Ballroom. Has the entire audience collectively been neutered? And out of nowhere a REALLY shitty ref bump leads to Angle tapping out to Joe in an instant and the BDC with EY ganging up on him til Bobby Roode runs them all off. Commercial break and we get a Roode promo, talking about struggling to restrain his anger but this crap has gone too far, and the crowd starts a “ROODE GOT SCREWED” chant which prompts Roode to shout back “you’re damn right!”. After which he bravely says “bullshit” on the air to show everyone how Edgy the new and improved TNA is.

AAAAAND now we’re back to “Didn’t even get to do a dark match in WWE” and “Hey didn’t you used to be Tazz?” in the Nashville Studio just to drive home the point that “Hey this episode is taped and we’re still screwing you with bad “edgy” edits”. Then they cut to Mike Tenay interviewing a British guy I don’t know because I hadn’t watched TNA in like 4 years before last week talking about how he does this for his children and his family and not because he’s happy to be here and I’m wondering who wrote his dialogue because that basically came across like he was saying “I’m doing this to feed my kids because why else would I bother working for TNA?”. He then says if TNA wants to fire him so he can be a free agent in a competetive market he’s fine with that, and apparently no one’s told him about Tripsy’s decree that NO TNA grown talent will EVER be signed to WWE. Or so the rumour goes. Can anyone confirm that?

And now we get a recap of last week’s HAIRCUT OF ULTIMATE PUNISHMENT with EC3 and Funky Future Endeavoured cutting Jeremy Borash’s hair while he tries to look horribly injured by spitting like a pukey infant while a midget called “Rockstar Spud” cries like they’re forcing him to watch Old Yeller.

Someone please tell me why I volunteered for this? I can’t think of one valid reason I’m subjecting myself to this.

Quick backstage segment with Spud and Borash and I sarcastically go “D’AWWWW!!!” at the heartfelt moment, then slap myself in shame.

And here comes Buff Bray Wyatt and his Misfit Toys, apparently here to watch a match to determine the #1 contenders to their tag belts, between the Hardyz who actually look in shockingly good shape and healthy, (I guess the stories are right, fatherhood made Jeffy get his shit together), and a team called The Wolves whom I know nothing about but who were pretty damn fun to watch last week so I’m hoping this match turns the show around.

Matt takes off his shirt and I officially amend that last paragraph to say Jeff looks to be healthy and in good shape.

So far this match is actually pretty good, which actually pisses me off because it proves TNA CAN be a damn good show if they focused on THIS instead of all that edgy superfluous crap in a desperate bif to seem so drastically NOT WWE.

The Wolves;

PRO – I love that they have matching wolf claw slashmark tattoos. That is fucking commitment to your gimmick right there boys.

CONS – Their tights bear an uncomfortable resemblance to Benoit’s ring gear and are very distracting.

Josh please shut the fuck up about the “different kind of lighting effects” and call the awesome match in front of you dingbat.

This is seriously the best I’ve seen Jeff move in a decade. Did they just kill the original and start over with a healthy clone? This is the Jeff Hardy I remember loving in the 90’s and HOLY SHIT DAT ROPE SPOT MY FUCKING GOD WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM???

No seriously, fuck everything else, go find this show JUST for that rope spot. It’s so epic I’m not even mad that Tazz took a cheap shot at Old Man Limping only being able to walk the ropes, because Jeff Hardy just pulled a “Top THIS bitches!” spot that will live in highlight reels forever. It takes a LOT to get my jaded old ass to mark out and this spot did it. I am marking like a bitch just for that spot and suddenly all the crap I had to sit through til now is tolerable because I got to see THAT spot. That DESERVED the Holy Shit chant.

Jeff goes for a Swanton but eats Eddie Edwards’ knees, then the wolves do this weird but cool doubleteam move where one holds Jeff in Delayed Suplex position while the other kicks Jeff in the mouth before the first one slams him. We’re getting a bunch of back and forth reverse falls now and… Goddess help me I can’t believe I’m saying this, I’m on the edge of my seat for a bloody TNA match.

A much deserved “This is awesome” chants starts as one of the Wolves sets Jeff up for a move but Matt do0es a stealth tag and Jeff turns it into a Frankensteiner. As Jeff rolls out to recover Matt hits a Side-Effect on the legal Wolf, (sorry, I can’t tell them apart yet so I only know who’s who if the announcers do their damn jobs and say so), then…. dances like a kindergardener who really has to pee while setting up for a Twist of Fate and for a moment the match has lost me.

Legal Wolf reverses the TOF, pushing Matt into Jeff on the turnbuckles causing Jeff to crotch himself, then pulls a TOF ON Matt, then Other Wolf splashes him and does a lazy Back On Tummy pin so he’s in position for Jeff to Swanton him and they’ve won me back again because this is easily better than the last two months of Miz2/Uso’s. Seriously it’s so good I only just noticed the show is almost half over.

Side Note; Abyss’ new mask makes him look like a Klingon with Scabies.

Hardys hit a move I can’t recall seeing them do before that looks like a combo of a Twist of Fate and a falling overshoulder backbreaker.

Instead of really talking about the Hardys being #1 contenders now, or showing ANY interaction between them and the Diet Wyatts, they cut immediately to another Brit I don’t know with a comedically tropey cockney accent talking about how happy he is to be in a Feast or Fired match and I guess he’s fighting the Other Brit over who gets to go back to England to suffer the food.

Backstage segment with Kenny King and MVP shooting the breeze about Lashley who is still MIA, with MVP spending WAY too much energy polishing his cheapass bling, and making fun of Eric Young’s apparently troubled childhood. Then we switch to Dixie’s test-tube baby EC3 in the control room pimping the awesome new system and I’m starting to miss hearing Tripsy beat $9.99 into the ground. He humbly asks to learn the system then immediately puts himself on my list of “celebrities worth a night in jail for bitchslapping” by misquoting DAVID BY GAWD BOWIE and I just seriously hate him and when he threatens a peon’s pension unless he focus camera 9 on Jeremy Borash, I treat this show like I’m watching it live and mysteriously forget to pause it while I go take a piss break because my inability to drink is guaranteed to be incompatible with whatever crap is about to happen.

So I’m back and Eric Young is out, and I’m pretending I couldn’t hear that last segment from the bathroom. And now Bobby “Hey he’s Canadian!” Roode comes out so we can get a PPV Grudge Match on Free TV and I’m wondering if Dixie has some ridiculously huge insurance policy on the company and is TRYING to fail. And less than 30 seconds into the actual match and we AGAIN interrupt to go backstage while someone tries to get a word with Lashley who nosells the guy and walks past looking for catering.

Okay how are these guys this gassed 2 minutes into the match? I’m disappointed, especially in Roode who’s usually pretty damned good to watch. EY tries to do a piledriver on a steel chair and the Still Not Over ECW crowd demands tables. Adrenaline kicks in and they both start moving like they know what they’re doing again. After a brief rally by Roode, EY tries the driver-on-chair again and succeeds, and… that was it? The match is already over? Ohhh I get it, here comes MVP, so we obviously needed to keep some time free for an excruciatingly bad 10 minute promo.

Mercifully the promo was kept short and we’re backstage with Austin Aeries, who for some reason makes me think “Punk and AJ’s firstborn discovered time travel”. I don’t know why, it’s just something about his face and posture. Also, the current X-Division belt is a monstrousity of ugly. Worse than WWE’s Giant Penny tag belts, but not quite as bad as NXT’s “retro 70’s style” belt. He says something about how the landscape has changed and thus so has his rematch with Low-Ki.

And now we get a recap of last week’s weird Knockouts Battle Royal that was inexplicably focused on a Jersey Shore douchebag, and TNA once again proves that, like WWE, it doesn’t truly understand it’s audience as Tazz tries to rave justifiably about the epic surprise return of Awesome Kong, (who actually replies to me on Twitter sometimes so she’s one of the cool folks), and Josh inexplicable shuts him down to focus on the return of some Jersey bimbo named Brooke no one but Josh seems to give a shit about.

Apparently Brooke and Robbie E competed on this season of The Amazing Race, which I do not watch, so that explains that. TNA must think that fans of that show might be checking TNA out. It’s sweet that they can still have so much blind pointless hope.

So Brooke is tagging with Taryn “I Beat My Husband” Tarrell VS The Beautiful People, and I suppose it will be tolerable, since Tarrell and TBP can actually wrestle. Hopefully Brooke can too. Someone please get the mic away from DJ Z, who I will now refer to as The Bitchuation. He makes the actual Jersey Shore cast seem classy.

The match is fast paced enough, but they seem like they haven’t had time to run through the match in advance because the spots look kind of awkward. Match ends WWE Diva quick with a cheap roll-up. The Beautiful People start to celebrate but the lights die. When they come back, Kong is in the ring and my black black heart is pulsating with glee. Angelina tries a run and eats a fist. Velvet meets the same fate. Then Angelina eats an Implant Buster to a huge crowd pop which Tazz for some reason calls a Double Underhook, which, while technically accurate just feels wrong for Kong.

And then DJ Z enters the ring to start mouthing off at Kong, and then….. my video dies and starts over from the beginning. Brackenfracken…. and I can’t get it to work again and get back to that spot, so unfortunately I don’t get to see if she flattens him, or see the Aeries/Low-Ki rematch which I was actually kinda looking forward to.

So I guess the Painfully NOT Drunk recap has to end here. If my suffering at least gets a laugh out of someone I might subject myself to it again next week.

For now, I’m going to go kill stuff on the XBox to purge the horror.

Toodlepip folks. And appreciate my suffering.

Penny is a now divorced intersexed disabled lesbian in BC Canada. She's been watching wrestling and reading comics since she was a kid, and knows her stuff. She lives with her pets and passes her free time writing, drawing, doing paid photoshop work (including logos done for Pulse's Own Mike Gojira), and is a part-time Queer model.