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Sebastian’s Super Special Smackdown Report January 22, 2014
Widro didn’t have his usual Smackdown guy so you get me instead! Aren’t you guys lucky….
The build up to this Smackdown aka Raw, has been pretty terrible. Not to mention that the only match that they’ve hyped going into this was Daniel Bryan vs Kane, a match we’ve already seen too many times to have any excitement for what so ever. I was originally planning on skipping this Smackdown… as per usual, but Widro WAS HAVING AN EMERGENCY so here I am.
We start off with a promo video for the main event of Raw which I didn’t actually sit through. The ending was straight retarded… all Sting did was point at Rollins and that cost him to be distracted for like two minutes straight? What about the other two guys in the match? Why didn’t they break up the pin? Jesus…
The new Smackdown theme song is terrible. The only time Smackdown really had a cool theme song was around 2000-01.
Daniel Bryan comes out and talks about how we’re going through the Road to Wrestlemania. Bryan reminds me of that Jedi off the Phantom Menace. Bryan talks about John Cena’s main event win on Raw, and he acts like he was Moses splitting the waves in half… Bryan then brings out all the guys who got fired. Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolphy Z. Doesn’t the WWE know the only one we give a fuck about is Dolph Ziggler? Ryback says that there’s, “A bunch of hungry people in Dallas Texas.” That has to be the cheesiest fucking thing he could’ve said…. Ryback says the Authority sucks, and then goes into his Feed Me More chant. The fans eat it up like the sheep they are, yawn. Erik gets on the stick, and says that being gone was a blessing because he got more time to think. You see, he needs to concentrate, its pretty hard for him usually (badow*). Dolphy Z gets on the stick, and says he loved the Triple H and Stephanie McMahon Fitness series. SWERVE! not really.
Ziggler makes a snide comment about CM Punk, saying he’d rather be in the ring than sitting home, complaining on a podcast. Ooooh. Rollins, Big Show, Kane, and Double J security come out. Rollins tells Daniel Bryan he’s just another version of John Cena, and says he has better stuff to do than screw around with Ziggler. Rollins goes on about how he’s going to become the next WWE Champion, and then says that Trips and Stephanie’s Fitness Videos are amazing! Ziggler’s all, “Yo, you have amazing cardio because you ran from Brock Lesnar really fast.” And then Bryan shows some footage on Raw that I didn’t see, were Brock Lesnar DESTROYES Rollins, Show, and Kane. That was awesome! I’m kind of mad that I missed that… well not really, there’s no way I was sitting through that shit main event.
Kane does the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen him do, and goes into a really high pitched, Paul Bearer voice and makes fun of Dolph Ziggler for being a showoff…. and says mmkay. That was fucking weird…. Kane makes Dolphy Z vs Wade Barett, and Dolph has to win to get into the Rumble.
And commercial break…
1st Match: Dolphy Z vs Bad News Bearatte
Wade is so damn stiff, he reminds me a bit of William Regal.
Dolph Ziggler is still the perfect babyface. I don’t understand how they’re NOT pushing him to the moon. Dolph was made to get his ass kicked and make comebacks. He’s almost a clone of Shawn Michaels circa 90s… except with less overblown selling.
Wade Barett, the IC Champion…. loses almost every match that’s not for his title.
God, this Immortal game looks next level stupid.
That Burger King, 70s Yumbo thing is really good. I prefer the Chicken Sandwich a bit more though… Burger King has some great Buffalo Sauce.
This cigarette is delicious.
And…. back to the show.
1st Match: Dolphy Z vs Bad News Bearatte Part 2
Wade knows the best way to get a push in WWE is to get stupid Randy Orton tattoos all over his arms.
Ziggler is horribly sun burnt, guess he was hanging out on the beach in his couple weeks off.
ZIGGLER EVEN DOES THE SUPERKICK!!! HE IS 2015 SHAWN MICHAELS!!!
Wade sets up the for the bullhamer, which is what he beat Ziggler with last time, but Ziggler reverses with a dropkick into the Zig-Zag for the win.
3.5/5.0 Pretty decent match here, even if the story was pretty generic and a bit uninspired. Its easy to get into Ziggler matches because he’s such a great seller, and his comebacks are so well done, but its hard to care about the result because Dolph has been stuck in the midcard since 2009. Its so obvious that he’s not going anywhere, and he’s definitely not going to win the Rumble so its hard to invest any importance into his matches. They’re always solid but not important.
I have to comment on how fucking stupid this anti smoking ad is. I smoke, smoking is known to be bad for you…. but the point to which they over exgrate it in these commercials are just so fucking stupid. They say if you smoke THAT AN EVIL TAR MONSTER FROM HELL IS COMING AND GOING TO GO INTO YOUR LUNGS!!!! Than they say that over three hundred chemicals are going to go into your lungs… do these idiots not realize that most of these chemicals are found in regular household foods like, oh say Oranges? It really is sickening to the point that the Government goes after Cigarettes, and Cigarette smokers. Over in Washington they were ten dollars a pack, in Florida they’re five. Yet more people smoke in Washington, Wenatchee than in Florida. Taxation of Cigs is stupid, and fucks with the first amendment by… oh fuck, Smackdown’s on. If you want to see some interesting facts on Cigs, check out http://headrambles.com/smoking-out-the-truth/
A Roman Reigns promo, this should be funny. Regins says Big Show is insecure because he reminds people that he’s tall. His fist is, “Cocked, and ready to Rock.” Roman Reigns says believe that, and Renee looks turned on. Renee is SO FUCKING CUTE!!! She reminds me of this super hot English teacher I had, Ms. Mahoney. I just started at her ass the whole time… needless to say I didn’t learn that much…
2nd Match: Ryback vs Rusev
BUT FIRST MORE COMMERCIALS!!!
Why is every chick in every commercial so goddamn hot?!!??
Fandango with Rosa backstage with that Royal Rumble ball picker thing. He’s so happy with his number that he starts making out with Rosa, while right behind him Dean F’n Ambrose steals his ball. Pretty cool segment.
Anyway, the match is finally starting so….
2nd Match: Ryback vs Rusev Part 2 of Part 1
This should be pretty interesting, how is Ryback going to get into the Rumble without destroying Rusev’s undefeated streak?
Ryback suplexes Rusev in a pretty cool spot. I can’t even recall anyone, except for Big Show, who has picked Rusev up.
Lana’s hot and everything, but her face is a bit too masculine for my tastes… I’m sure the Russians love that shit though.
Another stupid assed commercial cigarette, this time its about how some chicks signing her soul over to cigarettes. My favorite episode of South Park was the one were they were making fun of the people who were anti cigarettes. It was like, this super fat, slob who ate non stop and was obsessed with “Exposing the Cigarette companies.”
2nd Match: Ryback vs Rusev Part 3 of Part 2
Rusev is fucking Ryback up with some kicks to the chest. HOW DID WE WIN THE COLD WAR IF EVERYONE IN RUSSIA LOOKS LIKE RUSEV????
Y’know, if Ryback worked out his calves maybe he wouldn’t be compared to Goldberg all the time.
Sick spot were Ryback throws Rusev, and hits him with a stunner for two!
Ryback tries to powerbomb Rusev like a dumbass, which Rusev reverses with a Alabama Slam.
BELLY TO BELLY SUPEX by Ryback! And then Ryback decides to go the top rope…. which doesn’t work out too well for him as Rusev crotches Ryback, and kicks him the head… which is his finish… I think, but it only gets two.
Could you imagine Rusev fucking Lana? That would be so weird… it’d be like a Monster Truck running over a cat.
Ryback powers out of the Accolade, and hits Rusev with a Samoan Slam! Ryback sets up for the spear, but Rusev’s all like, nahhhh son, and bails to the outside. Ryback follows to the outside, and this looks like a count out ending.
Ryback gets in the ring in the nick of the time and gets the win by count out.
3.5/5.0 Pretty decent power match, they made Rusev look really strong while making Ryback look vulnerable… but powerful enough, and smart enough to make the comeback. This does a very good job of making Ryback looking strong, and like one of the few mid-card guys who could beat Rusev. The only problem is, if they keep on doing this with Rusev his undefeated streak is going to be a bit of a joke.
Paige and Natayla are on commentary… Paige is so fucking hot it hurts.
3rd Match: Bri Bella w/ Nikki Bella vs Naomi
Paige is SOOOOOOOO hot.
I think Nikki’s pretty decent, she has that thick body but her personality is awful. Could you imagine hanging out with that bitch all day?
Bri doesn’t work as a heel, she just doesn’t seem mean. She’s like a cute, tiny girl, not like an evil bitch or whatever.
Bri’s leather pants are pretty sweet.
I MISS AJ’S ASS IN JORTS!!!!
1.0/5.0 Match was nothing really, and Bri won in about three minutes with a faceplant.
I’m actually pretty excited for the Royal Rumble, its the first PPV I’ve been looking forward from WWE in a while. If it ends up as Cena WWE Champion, and Roman Reigns as the Rumble winner I’m going to be pissed….
Fuck Doritios, its all about Ruffles Buffalo Chicken Wing Chips. That shit is SOOOO good.
Gold and Star are backstage with the Rumble Ball thingy. Stardust talks about the mathematical equations leading to him getting a good number. They both get their balls, and tell each other that its every man for them self. How fucking cool would it be if Cody Rhodes actually won the Rumble?
4th Match: Erik Rowan vs Luke Harperrrrrr
Byran is the definition of generic black heel commentator. He’s not at all bad though, and I’m thinking he could go into a kind of Coach gimmick, which would awesome. I probably shouldn’t just be comparing him to black commentators though….
Rowan has to be the shittest face ever. He looks like a generic mid 90s heel, at least Harper has a look to him and could be a bit of a face, but not Rowan.
The crowd isn’t responding to anything, so Rowan decides to go to the top rope, but misses a headbutt, and Harper finishes him off.
1.0/5.0 Stiff, but too short to be anything worthwhile, and not too much of a story either.
Kane’s borrowing Double J security to make sure he wins the match against D Bry later.
We CUM back and get that Royal Rumble number thing that they’ve been doing since like, 2007. I just ONCE want them to slip up and show Chris Benoit in it.
The Miz is being a dick to Sandow backstage, and when the Miz leaves The Uso’s talk to Sandow. They basically tell Sandow to stop being such a bitch, and eliminate Miz at the Rumble. They’re building this up pretty well, and its just going to get to the point were Sandow can’t take it anymore and fucks up Miz. Either that or Creative is just going to forget about, like they forget about everything.
Main Event: Daniel Bryan vs Kahneeeeeeee No DQ Match
Kane’s theme song is so aw-sum.
Daniel Bryan is such a little bitch, he loses his debut match on Raw because of Kane interfering, and then doesn’t do anything for the rest of the night. He wrestled in the first fucking match, and didn’t do anything to Kane or The Authority the entire night. Stone Cold Steve Austin he is not….
Kane hits Bryan with a neckbreaker on the outside, and it looks like it does ABSOLUTELY NO DAMAGE!!!
See No Evil 2 is actually a pretty great horror movie, much better than the first one. Check it out if you’re into horror, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Kane pulls out a kendo stick… bad idea Kane, haven’t you seen Bryan vs Punk, or Bryan/Orton?
Bryan beats the living shit out of Kane with the kendo stick. Bryan comes off the top but eats a fist from Kane….
I need to empty my damn ashtrasy.
That fucker is excited about his cold cuts.
ON TOTAL DIVAS ROSA MENDAS KISSES PAIGE!!!!! THAT LOOKS FUCKING AWESOME!! But Paige isn’t into it 🙁 Why aren’t all women bi-sexual?
Main Event: Daniel Bryan vs Kahneeeeeeee No DQ Match Part 2
Kane’s fucking Bryan’s shit up with a steel chair. But now its time for super Daniel Bryan come back babyyy. Bryan goes for that suicide dive to the outside but Kane cuts him off again with his fist! This match is pretty damn good so far.
Double J Security set up the table for Kane in a pretty cool spot. Kane sets Daniel up for the Tombstone, but Daniel throws him off the table, but runs into a chokeslam, but nope ‘cus Daniel gets out of that too. And NOW Daniel hits the suicida spot.
Double J security jumps on Bryan as soon as he gets the advantage, and Kane gets back on Bryan. Kane throws Bryan back in the ring, and goes for the punch off the top rope, but Bryan reverses into the Yes Lock! Kane’s about to attack, when Double J Security break it up. Daniel’s had enough of them, so he dispatches them with a bunch of kicks…. but runs into a chokeslam from Kane, but Kane only gets a two count!
Daniel dodges a chair shot from Kane and hits him with the high knee for the win!
4.0/5.0 Really good match. Bryan is the perfect underdog and worked really well here, and they almost did make it seem impossible for Bryan to win. If this was on Raw, instead of taped on Smackdown I think the result would’ve been a lot more in question.
Big Show attacks D Bry on the ramp, and everyone mauls Bryan for a while… when all the Smackdown Faces and heels come out and go into a super brawl to pimp the Rumble. Roman Regins looks really strong.
Final Thoughts: Pretty average show for the most part, but the main event was damned good, and might be worth going out of your way for. Everything else was just the boring, but solid mid card.