I was worried, guys! I was worried that storm coverage would keep me from watching The Bachelor tonight, and what a disaster that would have been! Luckily, a blizzard couldn’t stop this drama.
Natural Women
The card for the first group date made reference to the word “natural”, so most of the women began freaking out that it meant no false lashes or hair extensions. (But their breasts, of course, would have to remain rather unnatural.)
Actually, the date was at a lake. Most of the girls took their bikinis off. “This is a date made for bimbos!” exclaimed Kelsey. Oh, sweetie. This is a show made for bimbos. Sure, not everyone who goes on The Bachelor is a bimbo. But the casting department, they do look for a certain kind of girl. Kelsey said that anyone with self-respect would think about calling it quits. That’s exactly what they don’t want.
She was definitely channeling some April Ludgate vibes out there.
Here are some of her best quotes:
- “This is absurd.”
- “My face is getting skinnier because I’ve spent too much time fake-smiling, trying to pretend to enjoy just, this… hellhole.”
- There are moments where I just feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye.”
Just when she thought it couldn’t get any worse, Chris announced that they would camp at the “dingy pond”. And then she got stung by a bee.
Kelsey kept her fake smile and fake laugh going when Chris was around, and the other girls picked up on it. Why didn’t she just go home? There’s no shame in deciding that being on The Bachelor sucks.
Ashley S. was on this date, and she was just as loony as usual. Is she on some kind of medication that reacts poorly with alcohol? It seemed like the whiskey really brought out the crazy in her.
The rose date went to Kaitlyn, which was pretty predictable. She was in her element camping, and has the easiest chemistry with Chris. She’s funny, and he’s kind of boring, so it balances out.
Ashley I. was pissed that she didn’t get the rose, and she wanted to let Chris know that even though she took off her bikini top, she’s never even had a boyfriend. But, can she drive?
Chris was asleep and did not understand anything that was happening.
Sister Act
Chris’s three sisters came to the house to meet the women and select one person for a solo date. Jillian was half in the pool, 100% asleep when they arrived. That seems safe. They chatted with each girl, but I couldn’t really tell who connected with them.
They chose Jade, which was nice because she seems really shy and quiet. She might not be pushy enough to spend a lot of time with Chris in group settings, so it was nice that the sisters picked her out of the crowd as a nice girl.
Belle of the Ball
Jade’s date was Cinderella themed, and she was treated like a princess while getting ready – she even had a pink-haired fairy godmother. Ashley I. was so jealous I thought she would die. She played the role of the wicked stepsister perfectly!
Ashley even did her make up, put on a ball gown, and then sat alone eating an ear of corn, moping. WTF? That girl is a BRAT.
Jade seems sweet, but she moved to L.A. to launch a business. How is that supposed to work with “Prince Farming”, as Ashley called him?
Bridezillas
HA! For the second group date, everyone wore wedding dresses and Ashley wasn’t a part of it because she was on the CAMPING date. Ha!
The women weren’t walking down the aisle, they were running a mucky obstacle course race “for charity”. Jillian obviously won, because she spends most of her time working out. Or sleeping in pools.
Jillian talked a lot on her date with Chris. Mostly about fitness, which is suuuuuuch a boring topic. Basically, Chris admitted that he started to tune her out after a while.
Jillian asked Chris if he would rather have sex with a homeless girl (she described some gross things) or abstain from sex for five years. AND THEY DIDN’T SHOW HIS ANSWER. Sometimes my friend Joel asks me silly “would you rather” questions and I always answer “neither” and it makes him crazy mad. Which makes me crazy happy. Jillian and Chris do not even have the chemistry of platonic friends. They have literally NOTHING in common. Thankfully, he did not give her a rose.
Chris said if this (the show) doesn’t work, he’ll be concerned about his potential in life. HE’S 33 WHOLE YEARS OLD AND STILL UNMARRIED. Poor Chris. Has anyone told him what kind of track record this show has? He’s going to be so disappointed.
“Can I steal him for a second?”
If you haven’t seen it, take five minutes and watching this Saturday Night Live sketch that makes fun of The Bachelor: “Farm Hunk”.
Ashley I. decided she hadn’t been obvious enough in the tent the other night when talking to Chris. But instead of just saying “So I’m a virgin”, she quizzed him on what he’d taken away from their conversation. Y’know, the one he was basically asleep for. So she told him, and then kept saying “It’s nothing that I’m super serious about.” Oh god, is Ashley going to cash in her v-card in the Fantasy Suite? Nooooooo.
Chris didn’t kiss Ashley before they parted ways, so she started sobbing through those luscious, false eyelashes.
Word spread quickly about Ashley, and the women all reacted differently. One girl (Carly, maybe?) said “Well her mouth is not a virgin” because she has kissed Chris and that is so unchaste! Becca mentioned that she is also a virgin, but she was way more chill about it.
When Britt hung out with Chris, she basically confronted him about giving Caitlyn so many roses and kiiiiiind of slut-shamed her. Chris stumbled over his words a lot, because Britt suggesting that he was “validating” inappropriate behavior was weird. He should have just said he didn’t want to talk about the other girls. Chris mumbled “I’m glad to have had this conversation” and could not have meant it less and stormed off to make a speech about his good intentions.
Britt received the final rose, despite her awkward conversation with Chris. Crazy Ashley S., Juelia, and a brunette I didn’t recognize were sent home. Ashley left and said “I feel nothing. I’m not sad at all.” It was refreshing.
