The Bachelor – Chris: Episode 5 Recap

Oh Dear. This is bad. Like, really, really bad.

I’d venture to say I’m somewhat of an expert on this show, having blogged about it more than 100 times (#wootwoot? or #hangmyheadinshame? #Undecided). I’ve seen (and painfully analyzed) my fair share of crazy on this show, whether it’s the wanna-be sex kitten Elizabeth Kitt (remember ‘you wanna kiss me? I’m not going to kiss you. But I like kissing. So do you want to kiss me? Or not?) or Tierra – a diva so spoiled she actually used her parents’ acknowledgement of her inherent ‘sparkle’ as a valid argument for why she should remain on the show despite her being, well, a total bitch. And let’s not forget all the crazy in between – the snot-dripping bad drunks, the Ashley S’s, the egg-freezers looking for nothing more than a batch of any guy’s best swimmers to make her feel like a real woman, the ones who become jealous, possessive freaks and actually think that in this type of format, it’s ok to condemn a guy for kissing more than one girl. Yup, seen ‘em all.

But Kelsey. Kelsey is a whole other kind. Kesley’s the Single White Female, Hand That Rocks The Cradle and any other kind of movie involving a female serial killer who shows no remorse kinda crazy. I’m scared just writing this, to be honest. What was that? Did you guys hear something?

I really didn’t see this coming. My first impression of Kelsey was this: Story = sad. Looks = coiffed hair that ages her beyond her years and a little too classic for my taste. Style = what style? The girl wears flare jeans and flats. Pretty much the only jean guaranteed not to make a comeback and that you should definitely not have in your closet right now (note to self – get rid of flare jeans, even if they were your very first pair of Sevens and you paid full price for them and some small part of you just can’t throw them away. Do it now.)

But back to Delusional Kelsey. Oh Dear.

Yes, I thought right from the get-go that she’d be all holier than thou, with her fake laugh, and clear belief that her one-on-one interviews with the camera provided endless comedic gold and witty banter for the producers to choose from, oh ha, ha, ha. But I kid you not, I have never felt such disturbing shivers prickle my skin as I did when she gleefully asked us “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but amazing! I love my story!” I’m assuming that the family of her departed husband are thanking their lucky stars right about now that Kelsey and her husband didn’t have kids together and that they got a clean break once he passed away. Not to speak ill of the dead, but can you imagine how she must have milked the attention at his funeral? Goosebumps.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but what else is memorable from last night besides Kelsey? Actually, when you’re watching the episode, it’s incredibly boring, but once you look at it on paper, there somehow ended up being lots to comment on. Hmm…

Quick, everyone! Grab your turquoise jewelry and anything you have with an Aztec motif, and get your ass in gear! We’re going to New Mexico! Don’t have a poncho? No problem! Grab your nearest area rug like Whitney and you’re good to go! But here’s something you don’t need, guys. Your SOMBREROS. And know what else, MEGAN? Your PASSPORT. Because – wait for it – New Mexico is actually in AMERICA, not another country. Have you not seen Breaking Bad?!?

And while we’re on the subject of glassy-eyed Megan, Megs – you had a great first date like nine weeks ago with Chris, but you’ve become more and more of a hot mess with every passing week. Did Stiffler’s mom pack your suitcase?

The first one-on-one (AKA tantric nightmare) goes to Carly, who, full disclosure, I’ll admit I like more than I did on night one when she dressed up like one of the Pink Ladies from Grease. She actually has a sense of humour, hidden under all of that insecurity caused by her (CLEARLY GAY) ex-boyfriend and at least she had the strength to admit she was uncomfortable when Tziporah Kingsbury (you can’t make a name like that up) basically tried to peer pressure them into a threesome.

Throwing on a caftan and humming a duo back to back does not a meditation expert make. I could not think of a worse, more awkward date, except for a date that involves not participating in what Chris and Carly had to do, but being a couple on a date forced to watch another couple do what Chris and Carly had to do. Yep. That’s worse. Take it from those who know.

The icing on the cake had to be when Chris gets blindfolded by Carly and sensually teased with fruit. Again. What are the chances of two episodes in a row involving fruit and a blindfold???

Somehow, despite my own need to stab myself in the eye while watching their date, feeling each other’s hot (hopefully not rank) breath teasing their nostrils was enough for a pretty intense kiss at the end. Go figure. I think I was refilling my wine for the night time portion of their date so to be honest, I have no idea what they said to each other, but she got the rose, so yay. Personally, I was more excited discovering you can get bobby pins that match your hair colour than I was by the clear progression of their relationship.

The next day the group date starts out with a rafting guide pretty much telling the girls that there is a 99.9% chance they will die on their date. Sounds super duper fun! They head off downriver, just as the camera pans out to show an actual grave marking. Um…nice touch?

Other than Jade getting tossed into the river and immediately making up some sort of circulatory deficiency to score an awkward foot massage from Chris, nothing eventful happens until that night, when Jordan arrives to ask for another chance at love with Prince Farming. Of course, once the initial chat is over with she quickly settles in on the couch with a cocktail and waits to be stabbed with the invisible daggers spewing forth at her from all of the girls. Except for Whitney. Because she doesn’t want to be controver’see-yal’

Ashley I is clearly the most upset for a change. I’m not sure if it’s because she forgot to put a skirt or pair of pants on with her top, or because she just really wanted her chance to shine as a mean girl and the other girls just weren’t letting her. Nevertheless, once again, she ends up in bed with Mackenzie for comfort. Even as she talks ‘Miss Marriage Materials 2015’ off the ledge, I’m pretty sure I can see cartoon birds floating around Mackenzie’s head.

Watching Chris handle group date and cocktail party stress is actually one of the most humorous aspects of the show. Pay attention next time if you haven’t noticed it already. The poor guy, when he’s actually on camera, (which I know sounds weird, but I actually find him to be absent more than most previous bachelors – this might be deliberate), spends most of his time in group settings frantically walking around in circles, like some sort of a cross between a puppy and a Roomba or like a wedding planner, pit stains and all, trying to smile like everything’s totally on track for the bride and groom even though there’s a waitress with her tongue stuck to the ice sculpture’s balls in the kitchen.

And then there’s Britt. Up until last night, I was big Britt fan. I’m not 100% sold on switching teams just yet (I’ve got my eye on you, Kaitlyn), but we all have to admit, she had some questionable moments.

  • She doesn’t shower? Like really doesn’t shower? Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for skipping a day here and there, especially if you, ahem, work from home, and don’t really leave the house, and even if you ahem, work out that day, but um, don’t sweat, or something like that (see me painting a totally abstract picture here and of course, not at all familiar with this way of life). But the way this picture was painted, Britt not showering is some sort of moral code she lives by. That coupled with the now confirmed statement that she puts her makeup on before she goes to sleep literally means that she is just covered in layer upon layer of filth. Not cool. You’re on a show to get the guy, girlfriend. He asked you to take “a nap” not go for ceviche. I can only imagine…
  • Her hair, filth and all, is friggin’ amazing. WTF.
  • Taking with a grain of salt that it’s Ashley I who claims that Britt doesn’t want to be tied down or have kids, I can’t help but wonder if Britt actually belongs in the category of lying liar, like many bachelorettes past, who have pretended to be yearning for big families, when really they just want a shot at the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
  • Speaking of teams, the girl is on Team Kelsey. Say what? A wee bit of guilt by association here, but what’s up with her constant snuggling of Kelsey and her totally inappropriate compliment of Kelsey’s shoes in the midst of one of the girl’s most passive aggressive speeches to-date about how she was protecting everyone from jealousy over her ‘connection’ with Chris and secret one-on-one rendezvous earlier that day. Why are you encouraging Kelsey, Britt? And why are you also not affected by how creepy her speech is? And most importantly, how can you say that Kelsey’s pumps look great? I didn’t even see the damn shoes and I know that’s a blatant lie.
  • So much for your ‘phobia’ of heights, eh, girlfriend? I admit, I really felt for you when your one-on-one date card arrived and you broke down for fear of ruining your chance for romance with Chris and potentially shitting yourself on the date (thus necessitating a shower). But for someone with a debilitating fear that you have no control over, hopping into an unharnessed open vessel and floating in the sky, seemed like a bit too much of a piece of cake for you. That’s like me noticing, ‘oh, but wait, that shark is soooo cute’, and hopping in for a play date with Jaws. Not gonna happen.
  • You have to be a total ignorant idiot not to see the error in casually mentioning to a bunch of ladies that you just hung out in the hotel room with Chris and napped. Like no big whoop. Just got some good ol’ shut-eye. Totes innocent.

The evening ends with Kelsey faking some sort of undecided emergency (I can literally picture her putting herself on the floor all like ‘Okay, I’m going to place this leg askew, but hunch a bit so it appears like stomach pain too, but also cry like some unrecognizable mating call, but not lose my ability to speak so I can deliver a really powerful monologue that can be edited and used in next week’s preview reel. Yup, all set. And…cue moaning.’

I literally don’t think less of a reaction from the girls is possible in the case of Kelsey’s ‘attack’. I don’t even think one of them craned her neck to get a good look, let alone put down their cocktail to see if poor Kelsey was okay. And now, as if we the viewers are being punished, in a desperate attempt to create suspense, we have to suffer through kicking off next week’s episode right where we left off last night, in Kelseytown.  In the meantime, I’ll be right here, trying to figure out how to make it through another week, you know, with the suspense killing me and all. I know how I can pass my time. I can try to figure out who the hell Samantha is and how she’s managed to make it this far with a whopping one sentence spoken to-date on camera. Thoughts? Seriously.

Till next week!




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