The Bachelor – Episode 5 Review – “Do You Know The Way To Santa Fe? You Know, Tumbleweeds, Prairie Dogs, Yeah…”

That title is a little Rent reference, for those of you who care. It felt fitting, since this week Chris and his several girlfriends hit the road for exotic Santa Fe.

Date #1- Sex Ed

Chris’s first date was with Carly, the cruise ship singer who greeted Chris by singing along to a portable, pink Hello Kitty karaoke machine.

The date was super, super weird. Chris was blindfolded, and Carly had to like, touch his feet and feed him fruit. Wait, didn’t someone else do that during her first meeting with Chris? This guy is always eating strawberries with his eyes closed. Then, they did a “de-robing”. AKA GET NAKED! Is this the lowest The Bachelor has ever stooped? Chris and Carly agreed that this was uncomfy and put their shirts back on. But Carly still had to sit in Chris’s lap and breathe deeply, so the discomfort did not stop.

I don’t even like the deep breathing part of yoga class, you guys. It’s weird and boring. This  is a weird, disgusting date. I hope they both ate 10,000 Tic Tacs before doing this.

Later, Carly told Chris that her most recent boyfriend, of two years, never physically touched her. Chris said nice things to her, and then told the camera that Carly would be the best wife you could ever ask for. So she got a rose.

I don’t know, guys. Carly seems like such a fragile little flower. Like she could fall to pieces at any second.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Back at the house, all the girls thought it was so weird that Kelsey has been here for five whole weeks and she hasn’t told Chris that she’s a widow! Five weeks, you guys. That’s a lifetime. Ashley Kardashian also thought it was super weird that Kelsey could be so nonchalant about her story, but Ashley cries ALL THE TIME so that’s not fair.

Kelsey said “I need to tell Chris about being a widow,” but that she needed a one-on-one date to reveal that information. Ugh, everyone on this show has some sad secret past to share. Chris should just run a little confessional booth for a group date so everyone can get this stuff off their chests.

Date #2 – Making Waves

Chris and a bunch of ladies went river rafting on the rapids for the group date. I was worried about Ashley and her Kardashian lashes falling overboard, but it turned out that Jade was the one we should all worry about. She fell overboard, and had some kind of medical issue blah blah blah hypothermia, long story short, Chris had to rub her feet.

Before the group cocktail party, Chris “ran into” Jordan. She drove from Colorado to apologize for being a drunken mess and to ask for a second chance. Chris said he likes to drink, and Jordan said sometimes drinking gets the best of her. Umm, did anyone else feel a teensy bit uncomfortable with this conversation? Anyway, Chris showed up to the party with Jordan. All the other girls were like, “Longtime no see, gal pal! How you been?” HA! Kidding. They were pissed.

The most angry was Ashley. Not only was she upset, but she wanted all the other girls to be openly angry, too. Regina George, much?

Jordan was the main topic of conversation for most of the night, and eventually Chris just cut his losses and sent her home. He gave the rose to someone who is there “for the right reasons”, Whitney.

Ashley said she’d looked at Whitney earlier that day and said “I don’t really need to worry about that.” What a meanie!

Date #3 – Tears for Fears

Britt was so excited she’d been selected for the one-on-one date, until she saw that the date card said “The sky’s the limit.” Then she was all tears. I mean, to be fair, The Bachelor does love coercing women into jumping off high structures. Her fears weren’t unwarranted.

Chris snuck into the girls’ house early in the morning to surprise Britt for their date. I wonder if she’d showered yet? That was weird. Chris woke Britt up, and then said “Britt looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she’s all dolled up for the rose ceremony. It’s pretty incredible.” Um, that’s because she was wearing a full face of makeup in bed, you moron. Seriously – shimmery eyeshadow, mascara, lip gloss, the works.

Carly was spying on them, and it also looked like she was wearing makeup. Do these women not worry about breakouts? Or are they worried more about surprise early morning visits from their mutual suitor? I’m confused.

Britt threw on a pair of dirty socks and headed out for her date.

Britt spent so much time going on about her fear of heights, and then was overcome with excitement when she saw the hot air balloons. I feel like her phobia isn’t as bad as she led us to believe. Otherwise she wouldn’t be sailing up, up away in a human-sized picnic basket.

Producers had a fun time cutting back and forth between Britt’s date, and the women discussing Britt. The women say Britt never showers, then we see Britt excitedly declaring how clean Chris’s hotel room is. The women say Britt doesn’t dream of getting married and having kids, then we see Britt telling Chris she wants 100 kids.

Then they made out in bed and Chris closed the doors, soooooo…..


Britt told everyone that after the hot air balloon ride they had room service, had dessert and coffee, and “took a nap.” SCANDAL.

Kelsey saw this as evidence that her relationship with Chris was threatened, so she paid him a surprise visit. Time to drop the widow bomb!

Kelsey told Chris her story through eyes much tearier than when she told the other girls. Sure, I thought. This is a more intimate moment, she’s more emotional. But then, to the camera, Kelsey said “Wasn’t my story amazing? It’s TRAGIC, but it’s AMAZING. I love my story”

*record scratch*

What? OK, I’m not a sappy, emotional person, but even I thought that was cold.

Chris was super emotional when he arrived at the rose ceremony. He was much more emotional over his conversation with Kelsey than Kelsey herself was.

Kelsey was so condescending when she spoke to the other girls, telling them what a precious gift time is, but also told them that she knew he’d already made his decision. She was right, though. Chris decided to skip the cocktail party because he’d made up his mind.

It’s hard to say who is worse, Kelsey or Ashley. Ashley was thisclose to saying “I wish I had a dead husband!” She was outwardly jealous of Kelsey’s “story” and the advantages it afforded her. Who is so stupid that they say those thoughts out loud? Ashley is. “My story is just nothing compared to hers,” Ashley whined. She had one thing right, though – this whole show is just one big competition of who has the saddest story.

Kelsey, who’d been so confident at the beginning of the night, was suddenly very nervous. And then, very suddenly, she was lying on the floor having a panic attack. The other women all looked very suspicious. Then the show was to be continued, but don’t worry guys – I have a feeling that Kelsey will be just fine!


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