There was no easing in last night, thanks to Kelsey’s dying cat impression almost causing me to spill my wine as I poured when she burst onto my screen. So in the same spirit, I’ll just jump in today, instead of starting off slow. This wasn’t exactly a ‘just the tip’ kind of episode.
So yup. The episode opens with Kelsey’s twisted body on the floor as she desperately tried to keep her breath shallow (you know, to reinforce the whole panic attack story), while throwing in a gasp here and there to offer a suggestion of sexy, a la Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Happy Birthday Mr. President’.
She seemed to be having a little trouble keeping her face straight, huh? At certain points it was a panic attack, and at others she did this new thing called ‘fainting’ where your symptoms don’t match fainting whatsoever, yet you go around telling people you fainted. All the cool kids are doing it, guys.
She also claimed, once she returned to the warm bosom of the other girls wearing a giant animal carcass, to have been spewing delirious remarks, even though I personally didn’t hear anything out of sorts coming from her, even in her ‘darkest hour’. In fact, the only thing delusional or delirious about Kelsey is the fact that she thinks she’s in a relationship with Chris. And that anyone cares about her boobs poking through her plunging neckline.
Of course, the cherry on top was the moment where she clutched her oxygen mask like a glass of Crystal, fluttered her eyelashes at the (totally confused) EMT and snapped out of any physical distress long enough to cackle about deserving a rose for her hardship while giving me goose-bumps and the promise of nightmares for years to come. I don’t know what’s scarier. Her sweater sets or her evil laugh.
The rose ceremony makes quick work of Samantha (shocker) and Mackenzie (back to Oz you go) and then rather than giving us the time we need to heal emotionally from these terrible losses, we jump right into a new week of dates. I’m not even going to acknowledge how friggin’ annoying Ashley’s narration of the entire rose ceremony was. In fact, the only thing more annoying was my husband struggling to open a bag of chips as loudly as possible while I tried to hear what Mackenzie was saying. Probably something along the lines of “I like Sparkles.” Oh well, I guess I’ll never know.
So off we go to the Wild West, which is anything but wild, thanks to the lamest Bachelor ever. I’m trying at this point to pretend Britt and Kelsey’s BFFdom is not really happening, because I really don’t want to dislike Britt, but it’s getting harder each week. And their deep discussion of both of their budding relationships with Chris while Britt dons a bra, sweatpants, combat boots and full jewelry and makeup doesn’t help matters.
Becca gets the one on one and on the one hand, I’m happy for her because she deserves it, but on the flip side, I feel like it’s getting pretty late in the season for him to be just starting to get to know any of these contenders. If he continues at this rate he’s going to find himself in a very tough spot near the end. Either that or he’ll become a polygamist, which would be fine because then the girls can entertain each other as they succumb to a life of sheer and utter isolation.
Becca, looking like she just stepped out of Barbie’s Dream House with her perfect teeth and hair shows Chris she’s got what it takes to get her farm on by straddling a horse with ease, and it doesn’t seem to take much more for Chris to realize, oh my god, she also could be the one?!? What are the chances?!? There isn’t really a lot to say about their date as it’s ended up pretty much like all his others, with some meat on a stick, laughter resembling a wind-up toy and an awkward kiss. I think what was going on back at the house, between Kelsey, Carly and Whitney was much more exciting.
I’m not sure how Kelsey’s explanation that she is ‘blessed with eloquence, uses big words and is articulate’ (this shit just writes itself) justifies her behaviour from the previous night’s cocktail party, but apparently, in Kelsey’s world, it all makes sense and in the end guys, she’s going to ‘win’. She didn’t come here to be defeated.
I never thought I’d be rooting for Ashley I but that’s exactly what happened when we found out that the two on one goes to her and Kelsey. I think the smartest move on Chris’s part to-date is putting those two together, as they’re the least likely to actually be fit for Chris this season. If you’re going to clean house, you might as well take out the trash too, right?
But of course, before we can get to the dreaded two-on-one date, we have to torture ourselves with the group date (that includes you, Megan – got that? If your name is on the card – you’re on the date.)
It’s pretty much a given that any time a date involves the bachelors or bachelorettes performing in any capacity, whether it’s burlesque, comedy, dance, or the dreaded singing/song-writing, you can rest assured I can be found under my couch and guzzling wine at an alarming rate until I pass out. This date was no exception.
My favourite part of the date had to be when Mr. Big, or Mr. Rich (I don’t know which is which and frankly I can barely identify Garth Brooks and Blake Shelton, let alone any other country music star) took Jade on a one-on-one date frolicking through the streets. Poor Jade experienced the highs and lows that can only be felt on this show, when she went from feeling confident in her ability to communicate her feelings for Chris to re-boarding the struggle bus (the what? I know) and feeling dirty watching him make out with Britt. While Chris definitely makes no effort to hide his feelings for Britt, I think the rest of the gals are feeling like Britt gives us a whole new way to spell country.
Finally, the performance time came around. Oh Goodie. Chris sings as well as he, well, kisses. Or dances. Or laughs. But that’s okay – we can always count on his pit stains to distract us, right? I hope someone that works for Right Guard or Gillette gets on him faster than Jenny Craig on Kirstie Alley when this show is over. I can just picture the commercials now:
Enter Chris swinging a bale of hay over his shoulder, riding a tractor in the hot, hot sun, etc. Chris stops mid-plow and says “As a farmer, I work hard to keep this place running. No matter how hot the sun is, the work’s gotta be done. Shlepping manure, harvesting corn – them’s the easy part. Try being in a room full of 25 hormonal psychos and see how the sweat starts to pour. Luckily, I’ve got ‘insert deodorant brand’ to carry me through and help prevent me from passing out from my own odor. It may not protect me from possibly being killed in my sleep by a disgruntled bachelorette, but it sure will protect me from those unsightly pit stains.” Continue bailing hay…and…scene.
You heard it here first and I expect all of you to have my back if a commercial like that ever gets made. Just saying. Times are tough.
The ladies proceed to pour their hearts into their heartfelt verses and surprisingly a few of them can actually sing. Clearly Carly is the big winner, because her song gets actual back up music, as opposed to the others who score some random banjo accompaniment by a confused little old man.
The rest of the evening is pretty much a blur, with Chris rudely whisking Britt off to an hour long one-on-one without any warning (really not fair) and me realizing that I actually do recognize the ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy’ song from my Body Pump class a few years ago. Look at me, basically a country music expert.
In other news, what’s up with different nail polish on each hand? I’m still not over the whole statement nail situation from last year. Am I missing something? Is it now not cool to have the same colour on both hands? Someone please enlighten me.
Chris leaves the group basically in a state of despair (and Megan looking like she’s just recovered from a face lift – WTF?) once they discover he’s given the rose to Britt (do you think those earrings have magical powers? That could explain it) and it’s off to bed to prepare for the worst two on one ever.
There was a part of me that knew in my heart they’d both be going home (and also a part of me that was hoping he’d throw them both off of the helicopter), so I was pleasantly surprised when it actually came to fruition. These two on ones, while great for drama, are just beyond ridiculous. What is with the bed set up in the middle of the desert? Could it be more awkward?
I think the differences between Ashley and Kelsey are best showcased just by looking at their appearances. Kelsey looked like she was on the way to PTA meeting to advocate for her special needs child, while Ashley looked like she was trying to pull off a ‘sexy spy’ costume. Ashley’s eye twitch can only be explained by the mere weight of those lashes – especially as they drown in her own tears.
I don’t know how Ashley thinks she and Chris have had any time to build any sort of relationship, since all she does is kiss him the whole time she’s with him. Yet I would still argue they have a stronger ‘foundation’ than the one Kelsey claims to have developed with Chris.
The whole thing was just a hot (literally) mess Between Kelsey’s ‘I’m ready to be a wife’ speech, to Ashley’s defensive ‘We both have Masters Degrees and mine is like, from a good place’, to Ashley being heard snorting in the background looking like she just escaped a fire from all the makeup staining her face even as Chris is cutting Kelsey loose, this has to be the most awkward, fraught with emotion two on one ever.
We end as we should, with the remaining ladies celebrating like they just scored a televised wedding and Kelsey soaring off into the desert, hopefully to a place without water nearby, leaving a trail of beautiful, tragic, inspiring, immeasurably blessed memories behind her.
So what’s up next week? A reality check where the girls who have been so quick to want to give up their lives for the role of farmer’s wife come face to face with what that actually means. So in other words, we’ll be revealing this show’s fatal flaw next week. Will it be worth the wait? Only time will tell!
Tags: the bachelor