Well folks, we’re finally here. The finale episode. Will Chris choose Whitney or Becca?
Family Matters
Whitney was first to meet Chris’s family. How could Whitney not win a family over? She’s like a blonde Minnie Mouse. She wants his mom and sisters to be her mom and sisters. She’s SO into Chris, and ready to move to Arlington. She’s a a beautiful orphaned nurse and no one would turn their nose up at her.
Over the past few weeks, I was sure Whitney had this in the bag. But then Chris’s sisters asked him what the difference in his two relationships are, and the way he talked about Becca made me rethink that. He said so much about what’s right with Becca.
Becca is so much more hesitant about this whole thing than Whitney is. You know, like a normal person might be. Becca isn’t a standoffish ice queen though, so it seemed like she was getting along with the family just fine. She was honest and told Chris’s sisters that she’s not in love yet, and that she won’t move to Arlington until she’s 100% sure. It was all, like, SUCH normal things to say. But it’s obvious that Chris’s sisters would rather him choose the woman who has basically already packed her bags for Iowa.
Chris’s mom gave some pretty strong advice to Becca. She basically implied (or outright said) that Becca is in love with Chris and too scared to admit it. Becca was in tears afterwards and left feeling overwhelmed. Ugh, this show is NOT for Becca. Can’t she meet a nice guy in San Diego, date for a couple years, and then think about getting married? Why is she here?
Five Year Plan
Oh man. Watching Chris and Becca discuss a potential future together at the hotel was painful. She doesn’t know when she might be ready to get married and move – maybe two years. She doesn’t know why she isn’t in love with him right now. Ooooof. That’s all, like, totally normal. But it doesn’t exactly help the guy make a decision.
Chris: “I’m pushing you.”
Becca: “I know, and I need to be pushed. I have the kind of personality that needs to be pushed.”
Is it just me, or is that the most Real Talk that has ever occurred on The Bachelor? I don’t know if Chris and Becca would make it if he chooses her, but their conversation was one of the few genuine ones I think I’ve ever seen on the show.
“It’s just a weird situation,” Chris sighed. The poor guy JUST realized that he’s on The Bachelor. Just click your heels three times and say “There’s no place like home”, Chris! That’ll get you back to Kansas, which is basically Iowa right?
Farm Hands
Chris’s date with Whitney was more upbeat, since Whitney squealed at the idea of picking corn on Chris’s farm. GURL. You have been taken to a frozen wasteland in the middle of nowhere. Take it down, like, 26 notches.
Whitney asked questions about farming and actually listened to the answers. Who does that? I would’ve been like “Corn? More like POPCORN. I’ll be inside watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix with the cat, see you later.”
Whitney asked Chris if he had any final thoughts. He responded with a question: “What makes you so sure?” Have you noticed how Whitney does, like, 98% of the talking when they’re together?
JUST CHOOSE ALREADY
I really began to lose interest once Chris was struggling with his decision alone. I briefly perked up when I realized that poor Neil Lane had to bring all his diamonds to Iowa. Then, Chris entered the barn where he’d raised his first pig. How romantic! That’s a story to tell your children.
The barn looked like every Pinterest wedding combined into one, save for the hipster wedding party of dudes with beards and gals in flower crowns. Chris talked about how hard he’d worked to get to this place. Oh honey, NO ONE worked harder than the set designer on that place.
First up was Becca, in a strange red velvet gown. I liked the sleeves – the full-length sleeves were appropriate for the frozen hellscape of a locale – but the fabric was weird. Like Santa Claus’s sexy mistress.
Chris started to talk about what he sees in Becca, the potential they have, and the incredible life they could have together. “I know I could see you as being my wife,” he said. “…and you’re not…really ready.”
Um, that was a lengthy way to dump someone. Is he going to propose to Whitney now? When he obviously has stronger feelings for Becca? That’s the romantic equivalent of when I eat an entire bag of frozen mango because my dinner isn’t ready yet. It’s not what I want, but it’s sweet and it’s there and it’s ready for the taking.
Becca didn’t cry. That says a lot about Becca. Early on I thought Becca was crazy boring, but now I actually think she seems a lot like me. Only I would never entertain the thought of maybe moving to Arlington, under any circumstances.
Then Whitney arrived. I knew there would be a proposal, because there’s no way Chris would blow this opportunity to get a woman to move to Arlington. I don’t know if you knew this, but Chris is from a really small town. I don’t think that ever came up.
Wasn’t it so weird how Whitney started talking? Like, this is the ONE moment where Chris is supposed to talk. But he just, like, stood there until Whitney said something. This one moment will sum up their entire marriage.
Whitney should just keep the barn looking like this, all the time. It’ll make for some epic Instagram photos. “Here I am in my barn, drinking coffee and wearing over-the-knee socks.” “Here I am in my barn, wearing a white dress with suede fringed boots and a boho hat.” “Here I am in my barn, wearing a fishtail braid and working on this antique dresser restoration DIY project.” (Hmm, maybe I could live in Iowa. I’m making it sound pretty fun.)
After The Final Rose
OK, so Chris picked the sure thing. What I was dying to know was, how did Whitney feel once she saw that Chris had some pretty gosh-darn strong feelings for Becca? A normal woman might feel threatened or undermined. But I feel like Whitney is so dead-set on her Prince Farming Fairytale that she won’t let it bother her.
Twenty minutes into After The Final Rose, and NOTHING interesting had happened. Didn’t they say there would be some kind of big surprise? Or did they say “announcement”? An announcement is much less exciting. That could be anything. Like Bachelor Pad.
Whitney came out, and they were sickeningly sweet and in love. Chris got a little creepy when telling Harrison how his ideal wife was basically one of his sisters. The whole thing had a rather forced quality that made me want to look away.
Whitney told Harrison that she didn’t watch the show (only her dates), but that she knows some stuff because of social media. Soooo, basically that means she’s seen Jade’s naked photos. Like, that’s what that meant, right?
Whitney and Chris are sure they’re going to have cute babies. Sure, maybe. But they’ll also have voices and laughs that only animals care hear.
Ugh, this show got so boring towards the end. Jimmy Kimmel’s shenanigans were pure filler.
At the end of the show, Chris Harrison took an applause poll for who the next Bachelorette should be. He said fans and staff were totally split down the middle on this hot button issue. Er…what? Social media seems to overwhelmingly want Kaitlyn to be the next bachelorette. Harrison’s applause poll was humiliating. Britt got like, two claps, probably from her mom. Kaitlyn was the clear favorite. “Bachelor Nation is split on this” was a load of crap. Immediately I knew where this was going – they’re both going to be a bachelorette.
This would work a lot better if people actually liked Britt. So basically, The Bachelor has found a way to put the power in the hands of the men EVEN ON A SHOW WHERE THE WOMAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING THE DECISIONS. Then Britt and Kaitlyn were trotted out, hand in hand, wearing matching glittery dresses. Kaitlyn looked like she’s putting up with this nonsense for a free trip to Bali.
Chris asked Kaitlyn how she felt when she found out that there would be two bachelorettes. “Well, the first thing I thought was…that’s not ideal.”
I already have a clear favorite.
