Forever Heel: “I Quit”, and 8 Other Nonsense Gimmicked Matches Plus Top 5 Mick Foley Heel Gimmicks

Ugh. WWE is putting Cena in another “I Quit” match. Heels always lose “I Quit”, and Cena has one like 20 million of them. It’s not the worst gimmick match because it involves some wrestling before they say “I quit”. I made a list of other gimmick matches that are equally bad ideas. This is in no particular order.

1)Straight Jacket Match: The winner of the match has to grab a straight jacket off a pole, and put it on your opponent. You usually need to knock your opponent out then go through a mind numbing process of trying to figure out how you put a straight jacket on someone, without them waking up. Scott Steiner lost this match, and immediately tore off his straight jacket. The reason this match sucks is that most participants have to pretend they don’t know how to put a straight jacket on someone, to build tension. This makes the winning wrestler look really stupid. They usually act like they’re trying to build IKEA furniture. There’s also the fact that your opponent basically has to help you to apply the big stupid thing.

2) Barbwire Cage Match: This is a cage match where barbwire is wrapped around the top of the cage (sometimes with electrified wire), leaving the door as the only way out, or a finish by pin fall. The reason these matches aren’t great is that usually you can only win by racing through the door. There’s no reason to wrestle, but the participants beat on each other anyway. They never just punch their opponent in the head, then run for the door. JBL is the only winner of this match to win without going through the door. Big Show chokeslammed JBL through the floor, and lost the match because JBL came out from under the ring first. I’m positive this will be how Finn Baylor gets his first big title run. “You don’t like Reigns? Fuck you, ha ha ha!”-Vince

3)Shark Cage Match: Yep it’s usually held in a 4 foot x 4 foot steel cage, and it’s about as fun as it sounds. Besides the fact that neither guy can hardly move, there’s sometimes a stipulation saying that you can only win by climbing out of the cage. This match was never big, but it’s heyday was in the 70’s. Word didn’t travel fast enough to let you know you were going to watch a horrible match, and that the match would not involve an actual shark.

4) Death Match Tournament: When Mick Foley became King of the Deathmatch, it meant something because it was a fairly new concept. The idea is played out, and a bastion for guys that can’t wrestle, but just stand around and bleed. These guys put their bodies on the line for fans that don’t care. It gets boring sitting in a gym for 3 hours watching light bulbs turn to powder. These were a lot cooler in Japan. Oh how I love 90’s FMW nostalgia.

5) ECW Ladder Match: The ECW bingo halls all had low ceilings. That’s okay. ECW will just not have any ladder matches then? Nope. ECW forced in ladder matches, where the title wasn’t hanging fro the ceiling, you won by pin fall, and you only got to use the ladder as a weapon. This sounds like a normal ECW match? This match was an excuse for high spots, and for Terry Funk to play helicopter by putting the ladder over his head and around his neck.

6) Four Corner Single Pin Fall Tag Team Match: The way this works is that there is a tag team at all four corners of the ring, and only two men can be in the ring at a time. When a participant wants to tag-out, he can tag-in anyone from any team he wants. So if only two guys can be in the ring at a time, and its single pin fall to win, why the hell do guys tag-in other teams and not just their teammates? You can’t win unless your team picks up the pin, and you have to wait for someone to tag you in. You can lose this match without you, or your partner ever being in the ring.

7) Cage Match: You have a cage match to keep the heel’s allies out of the match, but any moron that can walk ends up in the cage, and effecting the match.

8) King of the Mountain Match: This is the most convoluted match in the business. TNA came up with it in 2004, so Russo probably thought it up. It involves a penalty box, a ladder, and you need to hang the belt from the ceiling to win. You also might need a key, or bolt cutters? I think you need to pin one guy before you get to hang up the belt? (So no, Jeff Jarrett couldn’t run TNA any better.) There’s also about 3 refs for this match, and usually 6 participants.

Heel of the Week is: Wade Barrett. He’s king. Enough said.

Top Mick Foley Heel Gimmicks

5) Edge’s hardcore ally

4) Corporate Dude Love

3) Pro-WCW Cactus Jack

2) Old timer TNA Champ that only wanted to put his belt on the line once every 3 years.

1) 1996 Mankind

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