A lot of you know that nobody loves “This Business” like I do. I’m so hardcore that I bought Yuji Nagata, and turned the Hart Family Mansion into a mobile space station. Mick Foley is 100% healed because I used a time machine to bring back Jesus. I also paid Vince McMahon to keep WWE on the air in the 90’s.
With all my credentials, I’ve decided to challenge myself and fix TNA. We’re going to start at the top. TNA needs to fire Dixie Carter and replace her with Vince McMahon. That’s the only way TNA will beat WWE. Paul Heyman will do all the booking, and Bill Demott will whip these rookie pussy wrestlers into shape. Demott deserves a second chance, who ever heard of losing your job for raping a gorilla? Nonsense. We’ll hire JR and Shano Mac to do commentary, and if they miss one call, so help me God I’ll have them shot. I’d also have TNA publicly apologize to Jeff Jarrett, and hope he’ll accept being in the TNA Hall of Fame, after we put in Benoit.
As for the roster, I’d hire every pro-wrestler under 5’9″. I’d fire all female wrestlers on the TNA roster, and just hire AJ Lee because I’m a pedoph-… I mean because she has heart. I’d also fire EC3 because he’s a Carter, and I don’t know what kayfabe is. Rehire AJ Styles at 300000000 times his pay.
That’s not all though because we’ll bring in our money by selling merchandise that says cool stuff like, “CM Punk’s a Bitch”, or “If Tyrus doesn’t win we riot”. I’ve also optioned the rights to many legends, Norman Smiley being one of dozens. We’ll also make our money with DVDs, The TNA Network, and touring. Everything we do will be taped live, so we’ll have a ton of content. Also we’ll be offering 567 PPV’s every year.
For the the kids we’ll have “TNA Wrestling 2k06, 2006 was TNA’s best year. The only way to beat the game is to get Philly fans to say, “This is awesome”, and then you win clean, and then we check with the IWC to see if you deserve the belt. If you pass all that, the belt is yours, but you have to defend it every 45 minutes, and the game is in real time. Stupid pussies can’t win the game. You troll.
I’d also buy ROH, NJPW, and Mexico. We would then have a 4 way invasion angle, that I promise will make total sense, and won’t be fucked up.
I’d also put TNA on NBC, every Monday night.
My ideas are solid and if you have any problems with them it’s because you think wrestling is fake, or you have nepotism. You dirty fuck. Pssh fuck you guys…Y’all New Day pussies.
I cobbled this rant together with exaggerated comments from FB, Bleacher Report, The Riches, etc. Nothing I said was really too far off, and it’s not just the IWC. The whole internet is full of morons that think TV execs have nothing better to do than tailor make a TV show for some nerd.
Top Guys That Nearly Kayfabe Killed Someone, or did kill them.
5) JBL nearly killed Cena with a car.
4) Jesus Aguilar stabbed Cena through the kidney, off camera.
3) Hulk Hogan killed The Rock by slamming a big rig into an ambulance, with Rock in it.
2) Stone Cold killed Triple H by dropping him off a twenty foot forklift.
1) Shane McMahon killed Kane by kicking him into a blazing dumpster fire.
– Quit acting like TNA discovered a new controversial angle
Tags: bill demott, dixie carter, Forever Heel, Jesus Christ, Norman Smiley, Ralphus, union, Yugi Nagata