That Being Said: TNA Slammiversary 2015 Recap & Results

Since I can generally only be counted on for, say, one recap per year, and since what notoriety I have on Pulse is partially due to my past coverage of TNA (although I still say the Shaemus / Mark Henry war I had with some of you was my finest hour) I tend to usually start these things with a brief history of my time covering TNA, and whatever crazy things TNA has gotten up to since the last time I was talked into doing something like this. 

The Past 6 Months (or so) For TNA

Even for TNA, it’s been a chaotic six months. Since this site doesn’t cover a lot of TNA as of late, here’s what’s happened since around that time.

In no particular order:

– TNA lost their SPIKE TV deal. This was considered “only a silly rumour” until it wasn’t. 

– TNA found a home on a network called Destination America, which, due to spotty coverage, allegedly cuts TNA’s potential US viewing audience in half. The network is run by insane hillbillies and houses some of the worst reality TV programs you never knew existed.

– TNA founder Jeff Jarrett started Global Force Wrestling (GFW). I believe they’ve only one run show so far, in a ball park. 

– TNA hired Billy Corgan (yes, that Billy Corgan) in a creative capacity. I didn’t really understand this, but then I read he’s got some experience with wrestling creative from a fed that Raven was in… or ran. Or something. I’m not sure if he’s gotten started yet and I have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing. 

– AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, Chris Sabin, Bully Ray, D-Von, Kaz & Taz have all left TNA. Styles is currently working for NJPW and ROH. Daniels, Sabin and Kaz are all working for ROH, Samoa Joe is working for WWE on NXT, and I don’t believe the Dudleys are doing much of anything aside from Bubba doing a surprise Royal Rumble appearance back in January.

– Ken Anderson… is unfortunately still employed by TNA.

– Kurt Angle attempted to go to WWE but HHH wouldn’t return his calls. To his credit though, Kurt (who’s neck is now comprised mainly of sawdust and old newspapers) has been busting his ass for TNA, and is still insanely good in the ring for his age and condition. He is the current TNA World Heavyweight Champion. 

– Destination America, about 5 months into their deal with TNA, signed a deal which brought Ring Of Honor programming to the network as well, giving them an hour timeslot before Impact each week. Allegedly, TNA found out about this by reading the same announcement everyone else did. Many TNA fans reacted like ISIS had invaded their kitchens.

– Rumors started circulating that Destination America could be only carrying TNA programming until September. Obviously, this is only a silly rumour. It’s not like this just happened 6 months ago or something.

– TNA started doing shows in the Impact Zone again.

The Past Week For TNA

This is when the shit seemed to really hit the fan.

– Low Ki returned to TNA, and then quit again this past week. GUNSTORM and whoever Sam Shaw is also quit TNA last week. 

– Hernandez and Matt Morgan returned to TNA this past week. That’s right… Matt Morgan.

– Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle’s ugly stripper ex-wife also returned to TNA this past week, in full GFW gear, promoting GFW. That’s right… Double J and Karen Angle. I didn’t think it was possible after a Matt Morgan return, but the show came to an even louder screeching halt. 

– Austin Aries, James Storm, Magnus, Awesome Kong & Taryn Terrell are reportedly leaving TNA after tonight’s PPV. 

What the hell is going on? My God in heaven.

A lot of the stuff in the past week, I’m not even going to try to explain. A couple of things on there have only been reported, not confirmed, and I’m not even sure they’re true, so I’m not trying to say they are. People have talked about a GFW / TNA merger, people have talked about a talent exchange between the 2 companies, people have talked about an invasion storyline. It’s possible that there COULD be that many people departing the company in such a short period of time if a large company-changing deal was struck in the past week or some major shakeup occurred, but at this point I’d wager the releases are some kind of work leading into some kind of invasion storyline or talent-swap. If it is, then I’ll give them credit for getting people talking, but most times they’ve done that, all they’ve ever managed to get from it is MAYBE one week of a somewhat decent rating. They can usually get SOME eyeballs, they just have nothing to keep those eyeballs looking at them for that one week – so they better have something to actually draw viewers in if that’s their plan with all this.

Jeff Jarrett is now saying that if he wins the TNA Title, he’s taking it to GFW to defend. So almost guaranteed that this is all a work – if it’s NOT a work, and all those people leaving are unrelated, then TNA are well and truly fucked. 

That’s just my 2 cents. I’m not a “journalist”, and I’m not going to string a bunch of bullshit together to make you think I know what I’m talking about or what is going to happen. I will say though, this has to be one of the craziest times to be a TNA fan, let alone working there. 

I’ve actually tracked down some recent TNA stuff since Finn McInnes recommended checking out TNAMecca. A lot of the people there are insane, but they have some sensible folks too – and frankly, even THEY are baffled, and many of them are discouraged, by what is going on in TNA right now. These people are the most hardcore TNA fans I’ve ever seen, and while I certainly don’t see most of what they see in TNA as a brand, you really can’t blame them for being discouraged. I’ve always said, for as hardcore as TNA fans can be, they deserve better ammo to fight with than what they’ve been getting. These past 6 months had to have been particularly hard.

As for what I’ve watched, I’ll let you know the good and the bad. 

The Bad

– A wrestler named EC3 worked his way up to main event status. If you don’t know EC3… do you maybe remember when a lot of people liked The Miz for about 6 months there until his WM main event, and I was laughing at all of you and telling you how much he sucked and then I ended up totally being right? EC3 is worse than The Miz. If there was a poster child for the TNAMecca folks, it would definitely be EC3. He is like their God. I dared to question how good he was, and even though many of them say he can’t wrestle, they can’t WAIT to see him take the World Title. He’s not on this PPV, but he has a World Title match against Kurt Angle on the next episode of Impact, and this apparently will be some kind of landmark thing and will usher in a new era for TNA. Except that EC3 sucks, he’s average on the mic and horrible in the ring – it’s not just TNAMecca though. Even though I can’t be the least bit entertained by him, I have no problem admitting that TNA fans LOVE this guy.

– Also – yes – you read that right – TNA’s PPV doesn’t have that World Title match on it. They’re doing it on Impact. I don’t believe Kurt Angle is even on this PPV. EC3 is in a tag match of some sort. It’s entirely possible that TNA has actually taped shows ahead of time that air after this PPV. That could be the reason they did it like this. Either way though… horrible idea.

– Jeff Jarrett and Matt Morgan are back, and that’s obviously pretty bad. Jeff Jarrett couldn’t even CREATE  a promotion that hasn’t tried to get rid of him – multiple times – yet he is going to be in this “King Of The Mountain” match, which is quite literally one of the most poorly constructed matches of all time. He’s probably going to win, and he’s probably going to do it while wearing GFW gear. It’s just fucking insane. 

– Do you know of a wrestler named Grado? That’s all I’m going to say. Go look this up. He’s a big player in the X Division right now. 

– Drew McIntyre is in TNA now, leading a stable called The Rising against The Beatdown Clan which is headed by MVP. A couple talented guys in both stables, but not enough to help out this story. Oh, and Drew is still as terrible as he was in WWE. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

– James Storm is leading a creepy, Wyatt-inspired stable called The Revolution… presuming he still works here after tonight. The last plot point in this story consisted of him pushing Mickie James onto some train tracks before calling her husband (Magnus, also possibly gone after tonight) and telling him “Mickie won’t be home for dinner.” It’s a story that packs all the punch of when that horrible Madison Rayne girl made Tara run over… wow, that was Mickie James too… with a motorcycle. Mickie has had some horrible things happen to her in TNA. Presumably, if Magnus does leave, I’m guessing Mickie goes with her. Probably best for her safety.

The Good

– The tag-team scene in TNA is pretty awesome right now. People say WWE’s is pretty good right now, and I don’t disagree, but TNA has been putting on awesome stuff with The Wolves and The Dirty Heels (Aries & Roode) which I think is pretty sweet. 

– The Knockouts, when it isn’t Madison, Velvet or Angelina, are kicking a fair amount of ass too. Reading that, you’ll probably think that’s not a lot, but it’s actually more than you might think. It’s the one thing that TNA ALMOST always does better than WWE… outside of NXT of course. NXT and Knockouts are about on par. Neither one of them are Shimmer or anything, but they blow the doors off of anything you’ll see on RAW or a WWE PPV.

– The X-Division has a lot of good talent. Some dead weight as well, but a lot of the matches are still fun to watch.

– Rockstar Spud is a lot of fun to watch. A lot of people seem to think he’s only good in a managerial-type role, but I’ve had a lot of fun watching his singles stuff. Probably not going to be a poster guy anytime soon, but fun nonetheless. 

– BRAM. Anyone seen this guy? He got fired from WWE for fighting a cop or something, which is understandable, but the guy is a really fun big dude to watch.

– Homicide is there, and with Hernandez back, we might get an LAX (the good one) reunion.

– Kurt Angle is still insanely good, as mentioned above. TNA should be glad HHH didn’t return his calls. 

I think that’s about it. You’re caught up. I have no idea what to expect from tonight, but it should be pretty insane. 

LET’S CROSS THE MOTHERFUCKING LINE!!!

TNA Slammiversary 2015

A video package shows Jeff Jarrett returning last week, and they show some of TNA’s greatest moments. Many include guys that are no longer with the company anymore – Joe and Sting in particular, feature prominently. Slammiversary is the anniversary of TNA.

Oh God, they’re in the Impact Zone. I fucking hate the Impact Zone. Josh Matthews (oh God), Mike Tenay and The Pope (?) are commentating.

Elimination Match For The TNA X-Division Championship
Tigre Uno (c) .vs. DJZ .vs. Manik

I don’t think I knew this match was taking place. I really dig all 3 of these guys. This should be awesome. Elimination matches are way better than Triple Threats. This is going to be hard to keep up with, so I’m going to give you the highlights. Some good back and forth to start, DJZ hitting an awesome hurricanrana and volleying with Tigre before eating a flip kick to the face. Pope’s commentary is… distracting. DJZ takes the lead until Manik pulls DJZ down to the floor with his head hitting the apron. Tigre then dives over the rope in a move I have no idea how to name, and takes both guys down.

DJZ seems to be getting most of the offence here, and takes Tigure up to the top. Tigre pushes him off and misses a senton, then Manik tosses DJZ to the outside. Manik with a slam and a weird submission, then he breaks it off to dive over the ropes and kick DJZ in the face. Manik is foot-choking Tigure in the corner, DJZ tries to make his way back in and and then eats and awesome Roderick Strong-ish backbreaker that was really more of a facebreaker. Manik still in control and tries a pin attempt. DJZ works his way back in, but eats a kick by Tigre. Tigre takes Uno down, then DJZ hits a nice shining wizard on Manik.

Sorry, I have no idea what to call some of these moves. Even Tenay seems flustered. DJZ hits an awesome dive to the outside and takes both guys out. All 3 guys hit the ropes and volley for control, eventually Manik powerbombs – a bit different because the guy in the middle had the guy on top in a Sliced Bread – both guys off the top rope but only gets a 2-count on DJZ. DJZ comes back in and takes out Manik, then tries to pin Tigre but only gets 2. Tigre does some awesome move where he dumps DJZ on his head in the corner, hits a dropkick in the corner, then hits a splash and pins him. DJZ is eliminated.

Down to Manik and Tigure now. Tigre kicks Manik in the head for 2, then goes to the top but misses a top rope legdrop. Manik tries a splash but Tigre gets his knees up and rolls him over, but still only gets 2. Manik hits an awesome stomachbreaker, then hits the top rope and hits a frog splash… still only 2. Manik goes to the same move, but gets german-suplexed into the corner and then Tigre hits an awesome springboard splash for the pin.

Winner & Still X-Division Champion: Tigre Uno

Decent enough match, I don’t think good enough to show how good these 3 guys really are. Not up to the glory days of the X Division, but worth a watch.

Jeremy Borash is backstage, and I’m not entirely sure why he doesn’t age. Robbie E comes in… this fucking guy. He does some horrible overacting, Ken Anderson style, then gets all SERIOUS and talks about someone named Jessie Godderz trying to take him out. I think that that’s reality show goober. Anyway, Robbie says Jessie will be his bitch. A horrible video package replays what looks like a horrible feud. Long story short, they were a Jersey Shore team with DJZ until Jessie turned on him.

Robbie E. .vs. Jessie Godderz

Sure, this match totally needed some PPV time… no reason to have a world title match on here when this match is on the card. Jessie does his entrance, and does a horrible promo that’s literally a few minutes long. Anyway, Robbie comes out and the crowd chants for him. They brawl for a bit, it’s pretty lame, then Robbie dives onto Jessie. The announcers are talking about how Robbie E is all SERIOUS now. Jessie takes control back and dumps Robbie on the ground before hitting an elbow. The announcers are talking about how Jessie wants to be the “Bobby Roode” of this former team, which is just silly. Even Bobby Roode doesn’t want to be Bobby Roode.

Match… moving… so… slow. They haven’t done much, but Robbie is selling like he got hit with a cannon. This Jessie guy is trying to agonize the crowd. He has a lot of EC3-like-failures going on with his… whole thing. Robbie tries to get out of a powerbomb, but can’t, so they go to the ground and Jessie follows up with… a bearhug. Robbie E tries to power out of this, so Jessie… tosses him into the corner. Powerful offence here, and again Robbie is acting like he fought Brock Lesnar. Jessie actually manages a wrestling move with a dropkick, and follows up with… A BEARHUG. TWO bearhugs. Same match. This is like that horrible Ryback Mark Henry shit from WrestleMania.

Jessie hits a backbreaker and gets 2. So obviously he needs to follow-up with a better move, so now he PICKS HIM UP into a bearhug. THREE BEARHUGS. Robbie gets out of it, goes to the second rope and hits a cross-body. THEY’RE TRADING PUNCHES NOW!!! Robbie clotheslines him and hits a bodydrop, then a DDT for 2. Jesse comes back and powerbombs (I think that’s a total of 2 moves so far) into the corner for 2. Then they double-clothesline each other. Another powerbomb gets Jesse 2… Boston Crab by Jesse, but Robbie gets to the ropes. Robbie E then gets the pin after hitting the reverse DDT that Sting does, despite getting in almost no other offence.

Winner: Robbie E

That was pretty lame.

COLD BLUE Matt Hardy is back, and he’s talking about being in the King Of The Mountain match tonight. Matt talking has always been kinda awkward for me.

Street Fight
Bram .vs. Matt Morgan

They replay Bram getting beaten by VADER (yes, Vader) and then Matt Morgan attacking Bram after the place. Oh good, Matt Morgan has a microphone (that’s a phrase no one has ever said before, ever) and MY GOD, he is horrible. Anyway, Matt Morgan says he wants a street fight instead of a regular match.

They start trading punches, and eventually Morgan keeps clotheslining him until he does his lame spinning clothesline. Matt grabs Bram and drops him in the corner, then chokes him on the top rope and jumps over the top rope, hitting Bram on the way down. He then does the Undertaker legdrop on the apron. Morgan hits a big boot on Bram… all Morgan so far. Bram is going under the ring, and I can hear him fiddling with some shit under there, then Morgan pulls him out but Bram has a steel turnbuckle which he hits Morgan with. Bram goes and grabs a bunch of shit and tosses it in the ring before hitting Morgan with a cookie sheet, then a garbage can before yelling at him on the floor. Then he chokes Morgan with a chair.

In the ring, Morgan hits a few clotheslines (he’s run out of moves) and goes for the chokeslam – Bram elbows out of it, but Morgan kicks him in the face while he’s holding a trash can. Morgan hasn’t done any elbows yet – that’s one of the only 2 moves he knows. He may have forgotten how to do the elbows, because it’s been all clotheslines so far. Bram chokes Morgan across the top rope, and then goes under the ring.

… 3 minutes later, and Bram is still looking under the ring, and Morgan is still recovering. It’s kind of obvious that whatever was supposed to be under there isn’t, so eventually he just settles for chairs and he and Morgan awkwardly stumble around while they figure out what to do next. Bram swears.

Mike Tenay: You can sense the frustration!

Eventually, Morgan hits a chokeslam on Bram onto the chair but only gets 2. Bram fights back and hits his finisher on the steel chair for the pin.

Winner: Bram

This was pretty lame, which is too bad because Bram is actually pretty good. Bram is still obviously pissed off, so there’s a good chance it was a fuck-up. But he beat Matt Morgan, which totally avenges his loss last week to a 60-year-old Vader.

Robbie E & Tyrus (Brodus Clay, for anyone who doesn’t know) are backstage talking to JB, and EC3 cuts another horrible promo that a lot of people will probably call brilliant.

Austin Aries .vs. Davey Richards

THIS should be fun. Both these guys’ teams have been having a series of 5 matches, and they’ve been great. They tie up to start, Aries hits a drop-toehold and taunts Davey with a slap to the back before going to the corner to get away from an angry Eddie. They lock up again, volleying for position, before Davey hits a rollup and almost takes Aries’ head off with a kick – Aries bails. Davey with an armlock before Aries rolls around to reverse it – he takes Davey down, but takes too long winding up his elbow before missing, then eats a clothesline. Aries bails again. Aries gets back in and takes control, and works on Davey in the corner. Davey tries to do a flip dropkick, and Aries dodges it, but bounces off the rope and gets hit by the same move on the rebound. Cool spot. Aries bails for a 3rd time, and keeps running from Davey, until Davey catches him and brings him back to ringside and tosses him into the steps.

Davey works over Aries at ringside, hitting him with some punches – he rolls Aries back into the ring and hits the top rope, but Aries crotches him and dropkicks him to the outside before hitting a top-rope axe-handle to the outside. Aries works him over on the outside before tossing him back in, hitting a springboard splash and following up with a hard elbow – pin attempt gets 2. He chokes him in the corner then comes off the top rope with an elbow to the back of the head – very unique, cool spot. 2-count. Aries hits that awesome springboard backflip off the ropes and that also gets him 2. Aries hits some kicks, but Davey reverses, tosses Aries to the outside, hits an awesome suicide dive, tosses him back into the ring, hits an awesome top rope dropkick and a pin attempt gets him 2. Davey does his own springboard moonsault but instead hits a dropkick at the top of it which gets him another 2.

Aries is dazed and calling for a tag-partner that isn’t there. Nice touch. He cheap-shots Davey, claps his ears a few times, then hits his awesome dive under the bottom rope. Aries tosses him back into the ring, tries his corner dropkick but Davey counters – Aries reverses and Aries hits the Last Chancery submission. Davey makes it to the ropes, comes back and hits a couple awesome dropkicks in the corner, but this only gets him 2. Both guys are down. Awesome match so far, and the crowd is chanting for it. Both guys slow to get up, trading punches, Aries hits a chop but Davey does a cool jumping headbutt before tossing Aries in the air and kicking him in the stomach. Davey then hits an AWESOME single leg dropkick on Aries in the corner before going back to the top, hitting the double-stomp… but only gets 2!

Roode comes out, and chants for Aries to get up. Eddie comes down and pulls Roode off the apron, distracting Davey, allowing Aries to roll up Davey for the pin.

Winner: Austin Aries

Fantastic match, good mix of arial and ground offence. Aries played an awesome heel as well, and EC3 should take lessons.

Aries gets the mic, and says now they get to pick the stip for the final match in the tag-tournament. Aries says… Bra and Panties match, then says he’s kidding. Crowd laughs. He picks a 30-minute tag-team iron man match. That’ll probably be worth the watch.

Eric Young cuts a promo for the King Of The Mountain match.

They do a video package for the Knockouts match. There’s a new female stable called The Dollhouse, which is a pretty cool stable.

Handicap Match
The Dollhouse .vs. Awesome Kong & Brooke

So unfortunately, I was not able to recap this match – HOWEVER, this isn’t like WWE recaps where I make up an excuse to skip over the Divas match. I did watch this whole match, I just wasn’t able to type. Sorry about that. For the record though, this match was a lot of fun. Not up to what these girls can do I don’t think, but still 100% more watchable than a non-NXT Divas match. They did not roll around on the mat interacting with each other in capacities that, in certain cultures, would constitute marriage. They did not do any wrestling moves that seemed like grostesque attempts at simulating childbirth. They wrestled. Brooke was the only one I hadn’t seen a lot of beforehand, but she was good.

Winners: 

I’m being told that prior to the match, Kong tweeted that she will remain with TNA. Good news for TNA – honestly, she should be wrestling the dudes.

Magnus cuts a promo, talking about how he and Storm are leaving TNA after tonight – but also about what Storm did to Mickie and how much he loves her. I don’t actually really dig Magnus talking, but this was a lot better than normal. Anyway, they go through a video package detailing the feud I mentioned above. I like James Storm & Magnus, but It’s pretty bad.

Unsanctioned Match
James Storm .vs. Magnus

They brawl around ringside with Magnus taking control, and them brawling through the crowd. Storm eventually backdrops Magnus through a concession table.

The Pope: Just when I was going to get some popcorn. Gad dang it!

Storm takes Magnus back into the ring. and tosses Magnus into the barricade before taking a giant beer out from under the ring before yelling at Josh Matthews. Understandable. Matthews is a douche. Magnus catches up with him and clotheslines Storm back in the ring. Magnus gets a table and sets it up in the ring, but eats a low blow by Storm. Magnus catapults Storm froM UNDER the table into the bottom of the table. Cool spot.

Josh Matthews: Magnus taking advantage of the underside of that table!

Uh… kay. Anyway, the action started early on this one, and now they’re brawling back into an equipment area. They brawl into an area that Earl Hebner keeps yelling “IT’S HIGH VOLTAGE DAMMIT! GET OUT OF HERE!” (seriously, he says it like 9 times) and some lights go off in the arena. Kinda lame. Anyway, they brawl back into the ring and the lights go back on. Storm tosses Magnus into the ring and gets 2. Magnus gets up, punches Storm in the gut and powerbombs him through the table. Both guys are down. They eventually get up, and Storm hits a high knee onto Magnus on the apron, then DDT’s him into the ring. Storm gets another table and sets it up on the outside before throwing Magnus on top of it. Storm goes back under the ring and gets another bottle of beer out from under the ring. Then he starts pushing Earl Hebner around, allowing Magnus to get up and throw him into a ringpost.

Magnus puts Storm on the table, then goes into the ring and gets on the top rope – he then hits a HUGE flying elbow, but Storm moves and he goes flying into the table. Looked like an ugly landing. Storm rolls him into the ring but Magnus kicks out at 2. Storm pulls some powder out, but Magnus knocks it into Storm’s face – unfortunately it hits Hebner too, which is a problem if they happen to brawl close to any more equipment that’s high voltage. While Magnus tries to get the ref up, Storm is able to recover and hit a superkick but he only gets 2.

Storm gets the cowbell, but Magnus grabs it and hits him with it, but also only gets 2. Storm gets a cheap-shot with the cowbell, followed by 2 superkicks… but again he only gets 2! Storm goes and gets a guardrail from under the ring, and tosses it in – then he gets 2 more chairs, those go into the ring as well. He sets the guardrail on top of the 2 chairs – Storm hits an enziguri and Magnus falls on the guardrail, but he bounces back and punches Storm on the turnbuckle. He then suplexes Storm THROUGH the guardrail on the chairs. Ow.

Both guys are down, and now both guys have beer bottles, which they break over each other’s heads – but Storm falls on top of Magnus, both guys unconscious.

Winner: James Storm

Aside from a silly ending, I figured this would be decent, but it ended up being way better than I thought.

Storm heads up the ramp and kisses the fans goodbye.

JB is with Drew Galloway, talking about the “final battle” with MVP’s BDC stable – then they talk about the King Of The Mountain match, which Drew is in.

Technical difficulties! Apparently. A few minutes of dead air. They show the announce team talking. No sound. The sound comes on, and half the crowd is chanting “EC3” and the other half is chanting “sucks”.

Mr. Anderson & Lashley .vs. EC3 & Tyrus

I’m not going to lie, every single person in this match bores the hell out of me, but I’m gonna try. Commentary is down for some reason, and Anderson’s mic comes down but he abandons the idea of speaking, possibly because the audio won’t work. Fine by me. Anderson and EC3 start, Anderson takes down EC3 and tags Lashley. Lashley takes down EC3, and Anderson is back in who takes EC3 down again. Lashley back in, and he punishes EC3 in the corner. Lashley tackles EC3 in the corner, but EC3 hits a couple shots which get him nothing. Finger to the eye, and EC3 hits the ropes but gets clotheslined and suplexed. Lashley wanders to the corner, and gets taken down by Tyrus behind the ref’s back. EC3 tags Tyrus, who works over Lashley. Lashley powers up but gets more punishment by Tyrus, including a splash in the corner.

EC3 is tagged back in, but misses a splash – Anderson comes in and starts taking him down with elbows, clotheslines, and a neckbreaker. Tyrus hits another cheap-shot, and gets double-teamed in the corner. Tyrus goes and knocks Lashley off the apron before beating up Anderson in the corner some more. Pretty lame match. A duelling chant for EC3 starts… some say he’s awesome, some say he sucks. As boring is this dude is, he is definitely crazy over with TNA fans. Anderson tries to get back to his corner, and tags Lashley, who takes down EC3 a few times before hitting a couple awesome suplexes. EC3 gets an elbow up, but then eats a powerslam but only gets a 2-count.

EC3 manages to pick up Lashley and hit his TKO move. Lashley rebounds with a spinebuster that would have gotten him the pin, but Tyrus breaks it up. Anderson comes in to beat up Tyrus, then Anderson and Lashley double-team both guys. Tyrus manages to double-suplex both guys, then clotheslines Anderson over the top. He tries to take Lashley out with THE SPIKE, but Lashley tackles him. EC3 hits his lame finisher and pins Lashley. Ahahahaha.

Winner; EC3 & Tyrus

Pretty dull stuff. Skip it.

JB is with Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle. Man, it’s unreal… I’m watching Jeff Jarrett. In 2015. And Jarrett has aged well, especially considering he wasn’t much of a draw in the first place – anyway, Jarrett says that the TNA and GFW locker rooms (he’s kidding, I don’t think GFW has a locker room) are buzzing about the GFW owner at a TNA PPV. They hype up the history of Jarrett and TNA (er… conveniently… leaving some things out…) Jarrett says this is his last match, and that if he can pull one out

King Of The Mountain Match
Jeff Jarrett .vs. Matt Hardy .vs. Eric Young .vs. Drew Galloway .vs. Bobby Roode

If I haven’t mentioned it before now, this is a match for the “King Of The Mountain” Title. It’s a new title, which means… well, I have no idea what the title means. Not a fucking clue. Basically I think they created a belt that Jarrett could take to GFW, so Jarrett could promote GFW.

If you’ve never seen the King Of The Mountain match, here are the rules.

“The competitors in the match start out as “ineligible” to win. In order to become “eligible”, a wrestler must score a pinfall or submission on an opponent. The opponent who submits or is pinned is forced to spend two minutes in the “penalty box” cage. More than one wrestler can be in the cage. This often results in wrestlers fighting inside the cage or forming some sort of alliance.

Once “eligible”, the wrestler may win the match by retrieving the belt and hanging it on the hook suspended above the ring with the aid of the ladders. A TNA official maintains possession of the belt and circles the ring, staying out of the action as much as possible. When a wrestler wishes to hang the belt, he must retrieve it from the official. Once the belt is in play, any other wrestler who is eligible may attempt to steal the belt and hang it. Once the belt has been dropped and no wrestler is attempting to hang it, a referee returns the belt to the official.

The matchup is similar to the more common ladder match, which has the belt suspended above the ring and the winner is the one who retrieves it with the use of a ladder. The King of the Mountain match is considered backwards in nature to the ladder match, as the competitors attempt to hang the belt instead of retrieving it.”

So basically it’s a reverse ladder match. With a penalty box.

Sounds retarded, doesn’t it?

It is.

The announcers are really selling how weird it is to see Jarrett there, like we never saw Jarrett during 95% of TNA episodes for the first 10 years of it’s history. It’s not like he’s been gone that long.

Hardy looks stoned. Crowd chants “Thank You Jarrett”.

The match starts, and all the guys start brawling. Jarrett eventually takes EY down, and struts, but Roode rolls him up. This means Jarrett is heading for the penalty box for 2 minutes, and Roode is eligible to win. God I hate the rules of this fucking match. Roode takes the other guys out of the ring and gets the ladder, but Hardy comes in to take him down. Hardy sends Roode into the ladder, then hits the Side Effect for 2. 3 guys are down in the ring now, and Jarrett is still in the cage. This match is just awkward.

Jarrett is out of the cage… EY sneaks up on him and DDT’s him on the ground. He then also pins Jarrett. So Jarrett has been pinned twice, and his on his way back to the penalty box. EY is now eligible to win, so he grabs the ladder, but Hardy knocks him down now. Karen is crying as Jarrett is in the cage. This is so fucking stupid. If this ends with every guy pinning Jarrett and Jarrett coming from behind to win, then this company deserves to die.

Drew hits his finish on the ladder on Hardy, but the other guys break up the pin. The announcers are talking about how Jarrett cannot win this match as the camera constantly shows him in the penalty box, which is probably the first sign he’s going to win. The other guys continue to fight in the ring, with EY taking control and sending all the guys into the ladder until Roode takes him down.

Jarrett is out of  the penalty box, which the crowd counting down the seconds. Jarrett goes in and cleans house, until EY kicks him in the balls and throws him out of the ring. That was kinda funny. Drew Galloway pins Roode and Hardy pins EY, so Roode and EY are headed for the penalty box. They immediately make an alliance in the penalty box, to the surprise of absolutely no one. The other 2 guys are trying to get up the ladder, but Jarrett comes in and hits his dumb finish on Galloway, but Hardy breaks up the pin.

So everyone is eligible to win the match now, except for Jarrett… I think. This match is ridiculous. Jeff Jarrett gets another near-fall, but still no pin. EY and Roode are out of the cage, with an apparent plan to work together, which they do, taking out all the guys in the ring. EY and Roode do the Team Canada salute, before EY turns on Roode (duh, and I don’t even watch this show regularly) and both guys dump each other to the outside. Hardy and Galloway fighting on the inside, Karen is crying for Jarrett who is down for the thousandth time, and then EY and Roode pin Galloway and Hardy, so now Galloway and Hardy head to the penalty box.

Jarrett is EMOTING and looks all concerned as the crowd chants “Jarrett”… like, this is unreal. Roode yells “WE BUILT THIS PLACE!” at EY and Jarrett in the ring before they all start punching each other. Uhh… okay. That was dumb. Eventually, EY goes to get a guitar and almost hits Karen (making him the coolest babyface ever) but then thinks better of it. Jarrett gets the guitar and smashes it over Roode’s head, and gets the pin. Now all guys are eligible to win the match. I can’t believe this crowd is behind Jarrett.

Galloway and Hardy are out of the penalty box. I’M WATCHING A MATCH WITH A FUCKING PENALTY BOX. Which Roode is now headed for. Hardy has the belt and is trying to hang the belt, but Galloway tries to stop him – Jarrett knocks down the ladder with another ladder and the belt is handed back to the ref. That’s right, you have to chase the ref to get the belt. Which Jarrett does, and he’s headed up. EY picks him up, and botches a move which ends with both guys spilling awkwardly to the floor. They work back up to the apron, and EY piledrives Jarrett on the ladder which is suspended between the apron and the guardrail.

Roode is out of the penalty box. I’M WATCHING A MATCH WITH A FUCKING PENALTY BOX. A huge brawl happens on the outside, and Galloway climbs the cage and hits a senton from the top of the penalty box to all the guys on the crowd. “TNA” chant starts. Galloway hits the ring with the belt, who tries to head up the ladder. Hardy is heading up the other side of the ladder, and Galloway takes him down. All the guys get involved as the crowd chants for Jarrett.

EY is heading up the ladder with the belt, and Jarrett is back in the ring. He knocks the belt out of EY’s hands, and hits his finish from the ladder. Jarrett has the belt and is heading up, and wins the King Of The Mountain title.

Winner & First TNA King Of The Mountain Champion: Jeff Jarrett

That was seven kinds of stupid.

The announcers sell how crazy this is, like it matters that Jeff Jarrett is taking a new title, that no one has explained, that is tied to one of the most poorly conceived matches in the history of wrestling, to GFW. If anything, they should be thanking Jarrett for taking that albatross off their hands.

Final Thoughts

 

– That fucking… King Of The Mountain match. My God. Even if it had been all awesome wrestlers in there, I have no idea how you make a coherent match out of that. IT HAS A FUCKING PENALTY BOX.

– Jeff Jarrett won the main event of a TNA PPV. In 2015. They CREATED A TITLE to do that for him.

– Not a lot regarding the situation with Jarrett and all the wrestlers leaving the company. Not sure if that was intentional or not, maybe they’re saving it for their TV show. Not sure what it means for the company either, and I’m not going to pretend like I have a clue. Keep your eyes on the news, I guess.

– The crowd was dull tonight. I can certainly see why they were dead for a few of the matches, but they were also dead for some of the better matches. So I think it’s just that the Impact Zone sucks. Incredibly odd that the only match they came alive for was that horrible main event. And their guy was JEFF JARRETT.

– Aries and Richards was the match of the night, followed closely by Storm and Magnus. X Division match was a lot of fun, and the Knockouts match was also good. Don’t bother with Godderez / Robbie E, Bram / Morgan or Anderson Lashley / EC3 / Tyrus.

– Overall, a lot like a WWE PPV in terms of how many good matches it had. Pretty good for TNA standards.

– Aside from the main event, a minimal amount of buttfuckery backstage and lame swerves. Emphasis was on the matches, which is a huge plus.

– Oh, and EC3 sucks. That is all.

This has been “That Being Said”. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you when I see you.

BD

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