The Beards Of WWE
Welcome, one and all, to the first edition of Break The Walls Down. It is my pleasure, and hopefully soon yours, to delve together into the weird and wonderful world of professional wrestling. My first order of business is something very close to my heart, and something even closer to my face. For decades, beards have played a huge yet relatively unrecognised role in the progress of the WWE. It is only in recent years that the significance of the chin hider has been suitably acknowledged, with Daniel Bryan reigniting the facial fuzz phenomenon. He is aided admirably by many individuals on the roster, so let us focus on the most prominent members of the current crop and dissect the quality, ambition and overall influence of the warming mats that grace the face of the Superstars of today.
The Giant has been a champion of mouth debris on a consistent basis throughout his WWE career. Rarely a full out attack on the entire face, The Big Nasty goatee is famed for its precision and subtle grey streak. Not quite a weapon of mass destruction, more a relatively powerful fire arm.
Junior Rotunda lives very much in the shaggy shadow of his more infamous brother. He BO-Lieves in the clean shaven approach to grooming which, frankly, is aBOminably BOring.
Sheer, unadulterated excellence. A serious contender to Bryan’s crown, the Wyatt Whiskers are a domineering and disturbing presence when sat contentedly upon Bray’s jaw, but after flipping upside down to perform his freakish crab, the luscious locks really come to the fore. It is a rarely needed quality in a beard to function well in an inverted position, and the solidity and strength required to endure this remarkable feat could, in time, prove worthy assets in unseating Bryan from his pedestal.
As widely reported, the Streak Conqueror is the result of disastrous experimentation. A week old Spartan baby was injected with the same super soldier serum as Captain America, and things got out of hand. With both a toddler’s intellect and inability to grow facial hair, Brock will never rate highly on a list of furry faces, partially because of WWE’s revisionist mythology with regards to other businesses. Like UFC. Where Lesnar had a beard. Allegedly.
Understandably not wanting to upstage his balding dome, Cesaro’s bristles struggle to abscond from the stubble stage. The Swiss still somehow manages to pull off suave in a way that British beard brethren Jason Statham cannot. There is however much work to be done, again, in stark similarity to Statham’s acting career.
For sheer length and girth alone, Beard Bryan is most definitely at the upper echelons of this list. It has inspired a whole host of young fans, and it’s no doubt only a matter of time until 10 year olds are demanding facial implants in an effort to emulate this legendary growth. Bryan was over with the WWE Universe sans beard, but it is only since baring the bush that his popularity has soared. Agile and flexible, it has the sustainability that the rest of Bryan’s body does not. The Yes Man is set to sit atop the rankings for eons to come.
Darren Young has a beard. To clarify, this is not a falsified companion to conceal closeted sexuality, but rather a term to describe the hair that adorns the lower part of the face. To be described in his own community as a wolf does Young complete justice, as his current muzzle lashings mimic today’s hipster fad. This will be as good as it ever gets for fear of becoming Grimm’s fairy, but the Prime Time Player’s recent facial development is the obvious reason behind his push as a tag champ.
There is untapped potential here, yet Ambrose adamantly refuses to use the resources at his disposal. His malleable expressions are tailor made to be tasselled. His eyes betray the necessity for multiple triple bladed razors to cut through the presumably vigorous and robust crop that wants, and in my eyes, needs, to be allowed to roam free.
Pitiful. There is no attempt whatsoever on the part of The Divas which points worryingly at an infectious bout of pogonophobia.
If only Dolph could sell his beard as exuberantly as he sells moves. Stubble adorns The Show Off on occasion, but to be fair, that delectable jaw needs to be on display at all times.
Rowan’s genuine Norse background gives him a biologically unfair advantage. Of course his beard is epic – he’s a Viking.
It may be unjust to group together The Authority’s ironic security team, as Jamie’s noble goatee puts his egg faced team member to shame. One can only assume that Mercury’s follicle growth was, as with his wrestling career, immediately halted when a ladder obliterated his orbital bone.
Jimmy and Jey Uso
Identical twins, identical beards. Akin to teenagers in excitement at their first fluff, unfortunately for the Usos, they do not possess the magnificent mane making capabilities of their great uncles, The Wild Samoans. Neither quite goatee, moustache or beard, Rikishi’s boys end up flat out average
Cena unfortunately granted his first ever ‘Make A Wish’ request to a child who demanded he never grow a beard. Shame.
It is an indubitable fact that The Devil’s Favourite Demon can’t grow hair anywhere on his body after famously being burnt to a crisp in a fire started by his brother. This was compounded by wearing a mask for a decade, which essentially trains your face into believing you have no need for a beard. A heinous and malicious fallacy.
Barrett is royalty, and those of royal blood have a long and storied beardal lineage. Some say William The Conqueror invented the beard, but others refute this, backed up with historic fact. Regardless, His Majesty is from Preston in North West England, where men of his ilk, and even some of the women, are forced to bear bristles by a combination of inferior breeding and the need for warmth. Elegant, graceful and pristine – continued application could spell bad news for Bryan’s crown.
There have now been 24 different Sin Caras, including Mistico, Hunico, Yoshi Tatsu, The Great Khali, Scott Steiner, Gail Kim, Booker T, Zach Gowan and Ric Flair. However, because they’ve all worn the same full mask, it’s impossible to judge the beard beneath. As for Kalisto, the sole part of his face not covered by Mexican plastic is the very area where there should be hair. This is a deliberate and obvious plot to vex all pogonophiles and so he shall be spitefully ignored.
Hobo chic at its finest. Reminiscent of a twisted and broken wire brush, Harper’s Bandholz is sadly deducted marks by attempting to have his actual hair make the beard look longer and wider.
Say a little prayer for Mrs Henry, for her son Mark was born bearded. With a smooth shaven skull, his impenetrable mandible mound gives him the slight look of an upside down man. The world’s strongest beard would be pushing it, but it’s definitely better than his run as World Heavyweight Champion.
The Miz once pouted so hard that his beard ran away in shame. It is currently registered missing, and presumed in hiding.
A high flyer since the womb, diminutive Geordie Neville must understandably keep the beard shawn to maximise his aero dynamics. A befuddled blend of scatty elf and irritating amateur magician, it’s clear The Man That Gravity Forgot forgot to grow a mane of gravity.
These three annoyances all have some semblance of a maxilla mop, but there’s lethargy to their labours. Despite a PHD, Xavier Woods scarcely holds together a traditional goatee; Kingston essentially has five o’clock shadow; Big E either harbours a pencil moustache or his muscled lip is casting a silhouette on his philtrum that suggests as such.
Orton’s beard is that of a drunken and unhappy husband, saddened by his choice in a wife and trapped in a marriage he didn’t want in the first place. There is a distinct lack of effort and an indifference to the distinction between beard and stubble. Disrespectful at best.
This powerful Adonis could have hypertrichosis and still be the most beautiful man on the planet. As it stands, a sexy extended goatee with a slight soul man patch below the lip elevate his exquisiteness to exceptional levels.
One third of Rusev’s native Bulgaria is forested, and the shoeless wonder keeps roughly to this ratio with his own face forest. Technically in the realms of a circle beard, but lacking the necessary gusto to make it an accolade.
There’s nothing worse than getting bits of food stuck in your facial hair, yet Ryback continually demands to be fed more. His flavour saver has recently improved, and had it been in existence in the past maybe he wouldn’t have taken years off CM Punk’s life. Supple fur would’ve guaranteed softer landings. Fact.
A World Champion has to have a beard worthy of his title, and The Architect lives up to his epithet. Superbly well kempt, it is also, by the looks of it, texturally one of the spongiest to the touch. As he begins to slow in the ring later in his career, Rollins’ face fleece could extend and become an even more potent fixture on this list.
Glued on by his ‘fellas’ as a prank after a night of relentless Guinness drinking, Sheamus’ ridiculous attempt at style is not only obviously impractical to remove, it’s also apparently luminous. Dyed orange and braided to reinforce the Irish stereotype, it’s nothing if not hilarious. I am indeed entertained.
Once a prominent purveyor of face furniture, the youngest Rhodes brother has regrettably lost the verve that could have seen him score well. Simply put, donning face paint is not conducive to beard growth.
Dad Of The Year? Yes. Beard Of The Year? No. It seems too much energy has gone into shaping O’Neil’s Winnfield, as it’s all but disappeared. It’s hanging in there by a bearded thread, but there needs to be a concentrated effort to match the jawed harvest of his partner. Not that kind of partner.
Despite brief flirtations with Fu Manchus and Chops, The Game has settled himself. Impeccable to the individual strand, the COO must have employed the entire throng of Oompa Loompas when the Chocolate Factory shut down to ensure this flawless topiary. It cannot be argued that his beard is the key cause of 13 World Championships and now a minority ownership of the WWE itself.
Tags: Break The Walls Down, Daniel Bryan