Hey everyone. This is the Spain SmackDown Report, and I am your reviewer, David Spain, who has managed to drag himself away from what can legitimately be called binge-watching Orange is the New Black after being introduced to it earlier this week. I’ve also hit 100,000 words on my novel, which seemed like an appropriate time to take a break and get a little drunk before writing the climactic shoot-out scene.
I actually didn’t watch RAW this Monday (see the aforementioned infatuation with Orange is the New Black), so I’m actually watching the preview. Giving out Apple Watches is so Seth Rollins that it almost hurts. And it’s nice to see Jamie Noble out of hospital, although giving Kane a holiday seems like a dangerous idea considering that apparently even Lesnar has to sell for the guy.
Oh, and Bray Wyatt has finally had enough of Roman Reigns’ attempts to justify his murderlust, and I say ‘good for him’. Seriously, it must be hard enough being fat and a fucking weirdo without being accused of kid-kidnapping. Yeah, I’m still pushing this narrative.
The show starts properly with Seth and Cruiserweight Security rocking down to the ring. Seth delivers a sermon about how he and his suit-wearing bitches are just so damn stylish. And I say this whilst looking at two men wearing black suits, black shirts and gold ties, which physically fucking hurts. Seth says we have to focus on the present, because one day our grandkids will ask us about what it was like to watch random episodes of RAW. If my grandkids ever do that, they’ll get a ding around the earhole for bringing such dishonour upon their family.
We rewatch Seth and the Authority beating down Lesnar, and Rollins makes the point that he beat down two halves of the WrestleMania 31 main event inside of two weeks. Seth says that both Ambrose and Reigns have an opportunity for retribution tonight: Dean’s going one-on-one against Wyatt, and Roman will be facing Seth. Apparently Reigns has been absentee, which probably means he’s been cutting up more photos of himself to use to frame Bray Wyatt. He’s a sick man.
Ambrose’s music hits, and the Lunatic Fringe strides down the ramp, heading ringwards. He then backs up, heading behind the stage again, and then shows up with a Kendo stick. What, so he forgot it the first time? He clears the ring in short order, and Rollins announces that the match against Wyatt is happening right now. If this is just going to be five minutes of Wyatt getting the shit caned out of him, sign me up.
Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns = WWE’s Remake Of Doubt
Bray shows up to the ring, and seeing as he has a PPV match and Ambrose doesn’t, this is depressingly easy to predict. Dean gets backed into a corner, hits some punches and then hits a snapmare and a clothesline. Dean’s seemingly in control, but Bray cuts him off with a crossbody to counter a dropkick. Bray hits some shots in a corner, then hits a suplex throw to put Dean down.
Chinlock to Ambrose, who fights back out of it, then hits a pair of running forearms to the face. Neckbreaker to Bray Wyatt, and Ambrose is beginning his comeback, heading up to the top rope, but Bray rolls out of the ring. Dean heads out after him, ducks a clothesline, then hits one of his own.
Back from the break, Dean leaps off the ropes right into a punch to the gut. Bray almost hits Sister Abigail right there and then, but Dean counters with a roll-up. Dirty Deed almost hits; Bray counters and tries to hit a uranage; Dean counters that and low-bridges Bray out of the ring before diving through the ropes onto him. Ambrose pops back up to his feet, sending Wyatt back inside the ring, and charges at him. He hits a forearm to the corner, but then Bray counters his bulldog attempt, only to get caught with a Tornado DDT!
Dean goes for a neckbreaker; Bray counters, and then takes Ambrose’s head off with a clothesline. He hits his running senton for two, and now it’s Wyatt in control. He does that dumb spiderwalk thing, which is just fuel for these child abduction rumours, Bray. Ambrose manages to hit a kick to Bray’s head, then after a flurry manages to hit his pendulum clothesline. Standing elbow drop from the top gets two, and Bray bails again. You know, which a psychotic lord of darkness totally would do. Ambrose runs the length of the announce table and leaps at Bray, but gets caught in uranage on the announce table! Back in the ring, a Sister Abigail ends things.
Sort of a reminder about why none of their previous matches were anything they could have been. You’ve got two really colourful characters in there, and you don’t do anything to display that. This was a straight face/heel match, and it shouldn’t have been. 2 Stars.
How Can Rose Have That Moustache And Not Keep Saying ‘Alright Alright Alright’?
We get back from a break and Adam Rose is in the ring with Rosa Mendes. Remember when I used to be overcome with childish excitement for Adam Rose segments? Yeah, they fucking ruined him too, despite me giving away quality ideas for free every week. Anyway, this massive disappointment will be facing R-Truth and…yeah, I could not give less of a shit. Is the whole psycho crack-dealer look supposed to be a thinly-veiled allusion to Truth’s drug-related past, or is it just racist?
The two worthless people in the ring trade holds, then do some dancing and, Jesus, I don’t even care. Actually, the ending sort of rocked, coming totally out of nowhere: Truth reverses a backdrop into a roll-up, straight-up blocks two punches, smacks Rose in the face and hits the Lie Detector for the win: surprisingly badass-looking finish.
Giving that 2 Stars for the last five or so moves. Everything else was exactly what you’d expect from Truth vs. Rose.
We recap the Rock’s live appearance, via a recording of YouTube. So, is this leading back to his return, or was this just a random thing?
And another recap, this time of John Cena and Kevin Owens as we head towards their third match at Battleground. This talk of the PPV segues into a discussion of Miz vs. Ryback vs. Big Show and can we just not? Ryback’s got a match against Mark Henry tonight, and we get footage of the two guys trying to sell this truly godawful match. Let me remind you: this was once a WrestleMania match. May God have mercy on our souls.
If At First You Don’t Succeed…
Here comes Mark Henry, and the grand history of the WWE trying to assassinate me via me having to review these sort of matches continues. Then Ryback shows up. He’s promised to deliver Shell Shocked to Henry which, considering he’s done it to Big Show, is less impressive now.
Henry and Ryback lock up, trying to push each other back and forth, and Henry forces Ryback out of the ring. The Big Guy comes back in, and gets clobbered by Mark, then hip-tossed the whole way across the ring. Ryback dodges a charge, then reigns fists down on Henry. Mark runs into an elbow, then Ryback tries to hit Shell Shocked, but is immediately put down.
Henry hits some more offence, but Ryback manages to duck a clothesline and hit one of his own, then hits a splash to Henry. Ryback tries to go for a suplex, because he’s a really smart guy, and Henry regains the control, sending Ryback to crash hard into the corner. Bodyslam to the Big Guy, and then a bearhug. Ryback fights out and tries a bodyslam, and Jesus, Ryback. Henry just falls back onto him, and then the two of them knock each other down with clotheslines. Christ, you could set this to Yakety Sax.
They both get up, and Ryback is in control, beating on Henry. Well, he’ll screw it up somehow…and he actually hits a suplex. Well, that’s me told. Meathook Clothesline, and now Ryback wants Shell Shocked. Henry counters, going for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Ryback slips out of it, hitting a spinebuster, then Shell Shocked for the win.
I enjoyed Ryback’s dominance and was amused by his idiotic persistence. Not as bad as I’d feared, really. 2.5 Stars.
Backstage, Rollins, Noble and Mercury are doing their best to sell Apple Watches. Wow, I’ve served coffee to actual prostitutes who weren’t as big a whore as WWE is.
Jimmy’s Fine With You Beating Up His Wife: Just Don’t Dare Support Her
This is your Divas match, which is Brie Bella vs. Naomi. Brie wrenches the arm, but Naomi cartwheels to counter, hitting a boot. Now Naomi has the arm, but Brie backflips out of it, breaking the hold with a slap. Naomi chases Brie out of the ring, gets distracted by Alicia Fox at ringside, and Brie takes her out on the outside.
Back in the ring, Brie puts the boots to Naomi, then hits a dropkick from the second rope for two. Chokehold to Naomi, who breaks out of it and hits a dropkick of her own. King and Jimmy joke about how marriage = the end of everything good about your life as Brie drops Naomi onto the ropes and hits a running knee for two. Naomi is beat down in the corner with some kicks, then eats a bulldog for another two.
Naomi manages to hit what looked like a jawbreaker counter, then a slap to Brie. Alicia Fox manages to trip her; the Bella Buster finishes it.
Not a bad match at all. 2.5 Stars.
A creepy promo from Bray Wyatt, calling Roman out. Well, I’d be pretty pissed off with these wild accusations as well. He says that he’s going to burn everything that Roman loves. Okay, does that include Roman’s daughter? Because Roman’s going to say it does.
At This Point, ‘Ascension’ Is Quite An Ironic Name
It’s the Ascension vs. the Prime Time Players, as we continue the Ascension’s fall into obscurity and constant defeat. Tyson and Viktor kick things off, with Viktor chopping Tyson. O’Neil doesn’t take kindly to this, and beats Viktor down in the corner before tagging in Darren Young. Suplex-Splash double-team on Viktor, but he drives Darren into the Ascension’s corner, tagging Konnor in. Konnor hits a shoulder block to Young, then takes him out with a big right hand.
Viktor comes back in, but takes a back suplex on the apron from Young, who then smacks Konnor in the face. Viktor recovers enough to shove Darren into the steel ringpost, and he’s down as we go to the break.
Back to the action, and Darren Young is at the mercy of the Ascension, with Konnor holding him in a headlock. Young fights back, but Konnor has him by the leg and tags Viktor in. Darren nearly gets a botched roll-up, but Viktor tags out and the Ascension beat him down some more. A knee to the face knocks Darren down, but he elevates Viktor over the top and makes the tag!
Tyson comes in hot, taking out both members of the Ascension. Boot to Konnor, who he squashes in the corner. Viktor comes back in and gets taken out by Young. Clash of the Titus hits Konnor and it’s over.
Nice showcase of the PTP’s skills for what is looking like a great rematch at Battleground. 2.5 Stars.
We get a recap of Summer Rae sticking her nose in on Rusev’s behalf and laying a damn decent-looking slam onto Lana before getting the shit kicked out of her. Lana recovering her poise afterwards looked hilarious.
And here’s Rusev and Summer Rae in the ring, and oh God, they’re giving Summer a microphone. She wants to apologise, because apparently having the moral highground is really important in professional wrestling. She defends Rusev, and implies that those two are banging each other, which is an image I really didn’t need. Rusev takes the mic, telling us all how Summer Rae is a meninist’s wet dream (which, in a perfect world, would be the closest thing to sex that meninists ever got). Also, when King seems to think you’re a sexist, you are so far gone that you might as well just end it all.
Apparently there’s a feud to be had out of this with Ziggler, if Rusev’s Eighties-villainesque threats mean anything.
Joey Should Have Bargained For His Life With His Apple Watch
It’s main event time, although apparently Roman Reigns is still not here. See, when you let the World Champion make a decision about the running of the show, you’re going to get mistakes like these. Rollins, Mercury and Noble begin a count of ten for Roman to arrive, and I think it only counts if the ref does it. Reigns’ music hits, which wasn’t predictable at all, and he makes his way down to the ring. At least he’s not covered in Bray’s blood.
Seth jumps Reigns as the big man gets to the ring, but Roman takes control, throwing Rollins into a corner and smacking the smarmy bastard around. Mercury gets on the apron and gets brought into the ring. Joey nearly gets powerbombed, but Seth makes the save, powerbombing Reigns into the corner instead. Lots of stomps to Roman, and Seth chokes him on the ropes before Mercury gets a shot in to the face. Rollins hits a double-foot stomp from the top rope, getting two.
Seth beats Roman down again in the corner, stomping away at him, but Reigns starts fighting back, only to get shut down by a bodyslam. Seth heads to the top, but leaps into huge uppercut. He walks into some more right hands, reeling, creates a moment’s separation, but gets beheaded by a clothesline. More clotheslines for Mister Rollins, followed by a punch to Mercury. Seth takes advantage of the distraction to attempt a clothesline, is flipped over Reigns’ head, lands on his feet and then gets powerbombed by Roman!
Roman wants the Superman Punch, but gets taken down by Cruiserweight Security, which gets the DQ.
Not a bad match, but it seemed very rushed. Not up to the usual standards. 2.5 Stars.
The beatdown continues for a bit, but then Ambrose rushes the ring with the Kendo stick. He smacks Rollins and Cruiserweight Security around for a moment; Rollins nearly gets the Pedigree on Dean, but takes a Superman Punch instead. Reigns looks for the Spear, only for Rollins to get pulled out of the ring by J and J, getting out whilst they can.
Roman and Ambrose manage to catch Mercury, dragging him back into the ring. Mercury begs off Ambrose, but gets smacked with the cane, Superman Punched, and then smacked with the cane again. A Spear finishes things off, and that’s the image we finish on.
Not a great SmackDown, all in all. Lukewarm segments and matches: none really above average. Six.
Tags: Adam Rose, alicia fox, Bray Wyatt, Brie Bella, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Jamie Noble, Jerry Lawler, jimmy uso, joey mercury, Kane, Lana, Mark Henry, naomi, Prime Time Players, R-Truth, Roman Reigns, Rosa Mendes, rusev, ryback, seth rollins, smackdown, Summer Rae, The Ascension, Tom Philips