Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.
— Inside Pulse
“Once your known as a whore, it’s hard to make you into a nun.”
— Jaded Seth Malice, my opinion on TNA aka TittyButt
My plan for the first column of the Jaded Heat Magnet was going to be about my sordid historyin pro wrestling. Until a huge story fell into my lap. A story about the future of Total Nonstop Action.
So my story will have to wait. . .for now.
Now to TNA. . .
First things first. I don’t hate TNA. I don’t want them to go out of business. I’d like for TNA to thrive, succeed.But here we are in the year 2015 and Total Nonstop Action is dying a slow, bloody death. How did that happen? How did TNA go from making serious steps towards being a viable alternativeto the WWE to a toxic brand? Who’s do blame? Dxie Carter? Jeff Jarrett? Vince Russo? Vince McMahon? All are guilty in killing it. Except for Vince McMahon. He’s innocent. If Vince McMahon wanted TNA dead then he could have hired AJ Styles in 2013 and have him jobbing to John Cena on Raw in 5 minutes while AJ was in his run in TNA as champion because they taped like 6 months worth of shows in 2 weeks.
So who did kill TNA?
Okay. I know. TNA is alive on Destination America. But are they thriving? They averaged over a million viewers on Spike. This past week they had under 250, 000 watching. Ouch. That’s bad. Now if your following me as I type this then your wondering this question: how does he know that TNA is dead? Good question. Because I know something that no one else except for the Carters and the people in charge at Destination America all know. The real situation as to what will happen come this September. I know. Yes, I know what the current plan is to come this September. I repeat, I KNOW what will happen come this September.
So keep reading and YOU will know what no other wrestling site knows. Not even Dave Meltzer!
But first let us look back at my question. . .Who killed TNA? Was it Jeff Jarrett? Now if you have been watching TNA for years then you know the Triple J Era. Don’t? Well, Jeff Jarrett honored Triple H by dominating the TNA with his endless reigns and rule as “Jackass Jeff Jarrett! Monty Brown SHOULD have been the guy in TNA. He was good on promos and oozed pure charisma but got his ass jobbed to the moon by J-E-DOUBLE EGO. The fans even chanted drop the belt to the King of the Slapnut Mountain. What did Jeff do? He dropped the belt. . . to the ground. He also made the red hot Gail Kim his girlfriend. And created Planet Jarrett. ‘Cause Double J is a huge draw. And then Jarrett brought in all his friends aka past their prime WCW castoffs who main evented the TNA shows over the homegrown, young talent.
So did Jeff Jarrett kill TNA?
No. Jeff actually did some good stuff like get Jeff Hardy, Christian Cage, Kurt Angle, and a real shocker in the man called Sting. That’s good for business.
So was it Vince Russo? The guy who created the Attitude Era, lead WCW back to victory in the ratings, and helped define the single greatest match in the history of the busniess with the ON A POLE MATCH! Yes, Russo sucks, but he didn’t kill TNA. Yes, he most likely aided in getting TNA off Spike, but he didn’t kill TNA.
Only one name left.
Dixie Carter. But before I get to the Queen of Dixieland, please let me get this off my chest. Why in the hell did the red hot Samoa Joe job to Kurt Angle? Just why? Kurt’s made. No loss is gonna kill Kurt, but it for damn sure took everything out of Joe who was undefeated. Stupid booking 101 says to have the made guy put over the up and coming guy. This should be one of the 10 Commandments of Pro Wrestling.
Anyway, back to Dixie Carter. Ask any TNA hater and they will tell you that Dixie killed TNA. But guess what? She didn’t. Dixie has kept the boat afloat with her parent’s money. Yeah, she passed on Paul Heyman. But guess what? He WOULD NOT HAVE SAVED TNA. Why? Because he didn’t care about TNA. Paul loved ECW. He cared about ECW. He fought to keep ECW alive. Paul didn’t care about TNA. He gave Dixie all kinds of demands because he wanted her to turn him down. Paul wanted no part of TNA. But Dixie had a Plan B. That being Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff.
Now let’s look at that choice.
This was 2009. Hulk Hogan was nearing 60. Way past his prime. He couldn’t wrestle. If he can’t wrestle then how can he draw in an audience? Dixie’s plan? He could talk. Yes, talk. TNA fans you have to buy our next PPV because Hulk Hogan will be there, and yell yes, he’s gonna talk! Oh, but it get’s better because Hulk Hogan has his own chosen one. Abyss! And Abyss is going to become the next John Cena with Hogan’s magical hall of fame ring! That was TNA’s main angle for a second Monday Night War with the WWE.
Anyway. . .
Hulkamania is talking wild in TNA! By the way did you ever notice that Hulk never mentioned TNA in his media appearnces. Not once. Ever. Weird.
And then their is Eric Bischoff. I call him the guy who bought his way to the top. And then bought his way to the bottom. The first hit was signing Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Then came hit two with the cruiserweight division. Eric signed Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, and Eddie Guerrero. Awesome. The third would be the NWO by adding Hall and Nash. And the last would be a guy called Goldberg. Then he just lived on fumes. And the ratings went down faster than a hooker on payday. Oh, yes, Eric kept spending and signing people such hot acts as Kiss and Master P. Don’t remember Master P? He had like one hit song back in the late 90’s called make them say unh, or something. He made wrestling fans want to say no. N-O. So what did Eric “Bite Me” Bitchoff do in TNA? Well, he launched the second Monday Night War by playing a guitar in the ring for like 20 minutes. I shit you not. He sat in the ring and played his fucking guitar. That was how an episode of Monday Night Impact started. Seriously. What can I really add to the greatness of ATM Eric?
Nuff said. Moving on. . .
So it was Dixie who killed TNA in the bathroom with a lead pipe. Right? Well, no. Do you want to know who killed TNA. Everyone and everything. It was a perfect shitstorm that killed TNA.
So that brings me to TNA and Destination America. And I’ve got exclusive insight to what is happening this September. So here’s what’s going on:
TNA signed a deal that was pretty close to the one with Spike. But here’s the wrench in the wheel. Dixie must deliver the same ratings she had with Spike. If not, then Destination America will opt out of the deal in September.
So is TNA cancelled? No.
Destination America is willing to negotiate a new deal but TNA would get less money. That’s why Billy Corgan said that Dave Meltzer was getting worked by a “sloppy angle”. What the hell is a sloppy angle suppose to be? So what is Dixie and TNA’s plan to save TNA? An epic Hail Mary which is bringing back Jeff Jarrett and a possible GFW invasion. And you know the epic war between the stars of TNA and the GFW will happen over the next couple of weeks right? Right? No.
All that aside, the real plan is for the inevitable, epic failure with TNA losing their current deal as the ratings tank and DA will kindly opt out of the contract. So what then? Well, the Carters will gut TNA. Massive layoffs are coming .Actually, that has already started to happen. Everyone is leaving TNA right now.
So what happens to TNA in September? Well, a stripped down TNA is the side dressing for Dixie Carter’s reality show. Yeah, Dixie plans on getting a new deal in place with Destination America for her reality show.
I’ll take a pause for that to sink in completely. Just let all the joy of the Dixie Carter Reailty show wash over you like the Jolly Green Giant piss down your face after drinking several cases of Corona Light beer.
Yeah, TNA fans your devoted loyalty shall be rewarded with following Dixie as she overcomes the odds and runs a company into the ground because it’s a male dominated industry and she is female.. Welcome to hell, I mean DixieLand. As Pinhead would say, “Your suffering will be legendary, even in hell!” Make that DixieLand. Are you not excited?! Hooray for Dixie! Hooray!
By the way, I applied for a job with TNA back in 2004. Got turned down. I’m not bitter about it. I know what your thinking. I’m pissed about not getting a job. Yeah, well think again. I’ll admit that I was pretty bummed back then, not so much now. And just so you know I had no clue how to turn TNA into a successful company back then. I hardly watched their show. I just emailed a TNA official, explained who I was and gave links to my columns. No pass go. Oh, well. There was no massive long term plan to make TNA a huge success. I’m being honest. I lucked into a popular column and tried to make the most out of it. I also applied several times with the WWE, but that is story for another day.
But now I do have a plan for TNA. Yes, and here’s what I would do. Now according to TNA fans the Carters are super rich and can buy and sell Vince McMahon’s hip replacemnt clean off his ass! So go all out with live shows every week. Spend the money. Break the damn Panda Energy piggy bank. Sign Alberto El Patron. Let him go off on the WWE over getting fired. I know it’s been a long time, but who cares. Dixie has to do anything and everything to save TNA. Spend the money! And then get Rey Mysterio for his name. And the merchandise sales for his mask. Do everything possible to get Dolph Ziggler. Hell, have a segment where Vince Russo and Jim Cornette just argue for 10 minutes. Have a storyline were Mr. Anderson reveals that he really is a McMahon and buys TNA! The Total Nonstop Asshole era begins! Try to work out a deal with ROH to crosspromote shows and do a joint PPV. Hell, make it a three way with the GFW. And pay Madonna so Grado can use the Like a Prayer song. It’s way more funnier! Now is the time, Dixie. Total ovaries to the wall. Eat thunder, shit lightning. You are the leader, Dixie. It’s your damn ship! Bring back Claire Lynch and do a real sex tape with her, Dixie. I’m damn serious! You gotta get down on Olive fucking Oyl! Post the video on your website but include a special code that aquires the fans to watch each epsiode until September to access the sex tape video in it’s entirety. Win-win. I know what your gonna say. TNA has taped a ton of episodes that are already in the can. Who gives a shit. You gotta fight! Your gonna die unless you do what must be done, Dixie Carter. If you go down at least you went down on your shield!
So that’s it. The first Jaded Heat Magnet column. Well, ah fuck it! DIXIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You gotta save TNA! I don’t care about the damn TNA haters, or how great the paintings look in your office. Or those mother-fucking-Carter diamond rings! Pawn that shit! Save the damn company! Get off Twitter right now and freaking get on the horn to mommy and daddy and tell them baby princess needs a raise in her allowance. Sirge, quit posing in the mirror and help her dial the fucking numbers! We are at the ninth circle of Hell here, people! This shit just hit at DEF-CON Five at this point!
Hell, transgenders is a hot topic right now. Have Brodus Clay be a transgender he/she/it. And if he gives back talk then tell that jiggling, fat bastard that you need ratings and his dick has gotta go. Divide penis! Get Dr. Pol to do the surgery. Have an episode devoted to Brenda Clay: Birth of a Butterfly. She can take on Awesome Kong in the ultimate battle of vaginas that can crack walnuts. While your at it, Dixie, raise the fucking dead! The best wrestlers are in the ground. Dig their rotten asses up! Hire a shaman to do a seance. By the hoary hosts of Hoggoth! Find a copy of the damn Necronomicon! Bring back Macho Man and the Ultimate Warrior!
Another deep breath.
And get K-Fed. That Britney Spears cherry popper beat John-fucking-Cena for crying out loud!
Serenity now. Okay. I think that pretty much wraps up this edition of the Jaded Heat Magnet. I thought to inspire the world, I’d end with an inspiring quote:
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”
— Edith Wharton (That is her real name)
“Or you can just go to Ace Hardware and buy a damn flashlight.”
— Jaded Seth Malice
Tags: dixie carter, Jeff Jarrett