The Jaded Heat Magnet: The Wrestling Apocalypse is Upon Us

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Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.

— Inside Pulse

“The shit just hit the fan and broke it.”

— Jaded Seth Malice

We are in a serious crisis here folks! I’m talking real wrath of Khan stuff! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!  The end is near bad stuff gonna happen I see the bad moon arising! Don’t believe me? Well, check out the ratings for all the wrestling shows. Now do you believe me? Well, Nostrodamus forewarned of this terrible doomsday way back in the Attitude Era. But don’t worry i’ve got the revelation to save us all so just keep reading. . .

Tough Enough. This is how I feel after watching Tough Enough: Have you ever seen the movie Event Horizon? It’s about a spaceship that goes through hell. Yes, hell. Anyway, the crew goes nuts. I’m talking sadistic rape, torture, killing, and the captain of the ship tears out his eyes. The bastard tears out his fucking eyes! That’s how I feel after watching Tough Enough. But Tough Enough can be saved! Here’s my suggestions:

Feed ZZ to an aligator. Short term plan, long time gain. For the gator. You see ZZ is, well, fat and the gator could live off his ass for a good bit. . .

Put Tough Enough on the WWE Network and allow USA to air old episodes of NCIS.

Revamp the show as WWE Create Enough and have writers compete for a spot on the writing board.

Celebrity Tough Enough with Bill Demott as the head trainer with the following contestants:

Donald Trump – If he can take time away from having Tigre Uno aka the rapist/thief from Mexico, deported.

Rosie O’Donnell –

Dog and Beth Chapman – Now let us say a prayer. . .Get that mutherfucker, Leyland!

Dr. Pol – Will go to hell for sexual molesting animals.

Lance Armstrong – He’ll need his heart and a shitload of EPOs.

Courtney Love – She’ll get drunk and show the Hole, again. And again. And again.

Andy Dick – The one guy Bill Demott doesn’t want to get naked!

Charlie Sheen:

Now tell me that won’t get the ratings up. By the way my money is on Lance Armstrong for the win. He’s willing to the “extra mile” to win a contest. And he’s good with charities. Move over, Cena, ‘cuase Vince just got the Armstrong!

And while were on Tough Enough let’s talk vegatables about Daniel Bryan. Yeah, he’s hurt, been hurt, may never wrestle again, hurt. I can live with that, but it doesn’t look like Daniel can let it go. Daniel, let it go. I feel for Daniel. He’s been treated like shit. Hell, according to the locker room, Daniel is a turd. A real piece of shit who cheats on his wife. And he’s a B+ player. How many times has Stephanie cut off his balls by telling us he’s an overachieving, injury prone, B+ player? He’s eliminated in the Rumble early with no fanfare. Then forced to carry and job to Reigns at the next PPV. But Vince just jumped off his shitter screaming he’s a turd who gets hurt. And what makes it worse is the videos of Daniel with God-rest-his-soul Connor that warms your heart until Vince decides to CGI Daniel into a turd. But Daniel wants to wrestle again and make these same people more money. And you know what? Daniel beat John Cena. Clean. And Cena never did get his win back. If Daniel comes back, he’ll be jobbed out to Cena ’cause we all know that Cena must get his win back. Thousands of years ago a Mayan wrote on a rock that if Cena doesn’t get his win back then the whole world will end! I mean the Earth will stop turning and fall into the endless, dark abyss of Parts Unknown!

And what the hell is going on with Daniel and the dog? There was an episode of Total Divas where Daniel was getting frenched in the nose by the fucking dog! Brie give the man some action.

Kevin Owens. I fully expect for Kevin Owens’s career to take a downward spiral after his feud with John Cena. Knowing Vince and his creative juices, I look for Kevin to become the Mailman. The whole blue outfit with a big bag of mail, from which he will hand out letters to fans. Rain, shit, or snow won’t stop Kevin “The Mailman” Owens from jobbing to R-Truth on Superstars.

And what is with that pulsating vein on Cena’s chest?

Now comes Stardust. Now I’d like to take a time machine back to 2005. Poor old Chavo Guerrero was living la Vida loca as the all right as white Kerwin White. Sadly, the death of Eddie would happen. But there was hope! Chavo got to be Chavo, again. I wanted that for Cody Rhodes. I really did. I wanted Cody to return to Raw and give us a memorable promo that would be long remembered. But no, Vince decided to go with Stardust. Did you know that Raw was in Atlanta last Monday night? The heart of the NWA/WCW? But hey, Stardust did beat the Man That Creative Forgot, so there’s that? Right?

I had already written the above when I found out about Eden aka Brandi Runnels’s rant against the fans ’cause bless their souls they wanted Cody back. Not Stardust. Here’s the thing, Mrs. Eden, the fans do love and care about Cody. I consider what the fans are doing is like telling an alcoholic that their drunk! But here one for you, Mrs. Eden: Cody Rhodes becoming the WWE Champion, looking up to the heavens and saying, “I did it, Dad. For you!”, or jobbing to Neville on Smackdown while hissing like a cat. And Mrs. Eden talks about the Stardust character like it’s an Oscar winning role that Morgan Freeman would star in. Here’s your clue, Mrs. Eden: Cody is a cheap ripoff of a campy 60’s tv show villian. He’s the fucking Riddler! Sad. Another son of the American Dream who’s career was killed my his unsignificant other. Would someone please have Cody enter some creative control meetings. I would have given Cody the nickname the “American Legacy” Cody Rhodes. 

Jumping-Gee-Willakers, Stardust!

More sad news for TNA. Their MVP is out the door. And Meltzer is saying that TNA officials have informed some talent about them leaving Destination America and looking for a new tv deal. i honestly don’t like the idea of TNA going out of busniess. But I hate to say if but if they do get cancelled them it’s time to close up shop. They have been going on a bad reverse for quite sometime. Nobody wants another AWA. They died in ’88, but the corpse kept eating brains until 1990. TNA reminds me of a family members old chinese  pug. The dog was a hundred years old in dog years. And it was nearly blind with the poor creature’s guts coming out it’s ass. That sad dog would lay there forever licking it’s own guts. And they refused to put the dog out of it’s misery. Dixie Carter’s in that same position right now. And the only thing of value at this point. I honestly laughed when Dixie said this was a new chapter for the company. How many reboots will TNA have? Here’s a suggestion for TNA. . .

If I owned the company and was stuck where Dixie is stuck at somewhere in Serge, then I would step down. It’s like being an NFL owner and the head coach at the same time. With year after year of losing seasons and having to move to a smaller city to survive. That’s when you remain owner and fire the head coach.

And then Hernandez happens. Here’s what could have happened that would have solved this whole mess:

“Is this Dario Cueto with Lucha Underground? How you doing, darlin’? This is Dixie Carter at TNA. I’m just calling to see if Hernandez is available to wrestle for TNA? He’s not? Really? Well, suga, thank you for your time and have a fabulous day. You, too. Bye now.”

If that had happened their would be no problem. But it’s still fixable. I remember when Vince was thinking about putting a blue dot on Christian’s face. Just put a BDC logo on Hernandez’s head. Problem solved.

This brings me to Vince Russo. It’s been a hundred years since he was the architect of the Attitude Era and nobody needs to bring up the Bro Master’s epic since then as he crashed the tv ratings for WCW, but yet still blogs, or videos himself. And now he’s got his pmpers in a twisted bunch ’cause of the King of the Mountain title! What happened, Russo? Did you beg Jarrett for a job and now your having a tantrum? Did Jeff say hell-to-the-fucking-no on killing GFW with on a pole matches and endless swerves. And here’s proof of Russo’s genius. He said there are no mountains in Flordia. Well, a simple google search proves him wrong. There are mountains in Florida. There’s the Sugarloaf Mountain and the Iron Mountain. There may be more, I stopped at those two. I don’t want to make Russo look like an idiot, but then he opens his mouth. Russo should fire himself from existance. Russo, your the Uwe Boll of wrestling. A terrible hack who has been given more and more only to produce one golden turd after another.  I think it’s high time his wife grounded him and took away his internet privaledges until he grows up and learns how to book and develope a decent storyline! Now in the corner, Russo!

 

 

And speaking of people who can’t write a decent storyline, let’s talk about Vince McMahon. . .

I wouldn’t be shocked if Vince McMahon didn’t buy thousands of subscriptions for the Network to get him over the million mark. The man is willing to blow a huge amount of money to prove John Cena is a draw so this wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

Those are the signs folks. It’s nothing but doom and gloom. I honestly hope things turn around. Maybe Battleground will be awesome. I can dream, can’t I?

As always I’ll leave you with an inspiring quote to inspire and this one comes from a “wrestling superstar”:

“Remember me? I am Mike Jones AKA Wrestling Superstar Virgil. I am the real deal. I have been around the world 30 times and my life has always been about the hustle. I started out in the old WWF as the bodyguard of the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase and said to myself now it is now MY TIME to be the Millionaire. If you have watched wrestling than you know who I am. I will inspire you that million dollar dreams can come true. Show your love for your favorite wrestler ever by giving me $1, $10, $100, shit $1000 and make me a MILLIONAIRE. You could make this happen and I will forever be grateful. Everyday I hustle and now I am trying to show the world that this dog can be taught new tricks!”

— Virigl aka Mike Jones aka Vincent aka Shane aka Curly Bill aka Lucious Jones aka Soul Train Jones

Now as Wikipedia would put it if everybody gave a dollar then Virgil would already have blown it. Now give with your heart. Shit man! Give the brother a thousand!

 

 

 

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