Forever Heel WWE Battleground 2015 Thoughts Presented in Heel Mode PLUS Top 5 Corporate Heels

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Okay this column is in Heel-Mode.

Last night was WWE’s Battleground PPV. The reason this event is so popular is because Dean Ambrose won’t be on it. Sadly Battleground doesn’t have a returning Great Khali on the card. WWE missed a big opportunity to finally settle the feud between Big Show and the Giant Indian Kicking-Machine. Oh well the event gets a “It’s Fine”, on my “Yeah I Guess” Meter.

The first match I think was PTP Vs New Day. New Day lost because the fans were too lazy to clap more. It’s okay because New Day proved they were the real champs, and just because the Prime Time Players won that doesn’t mean the shouldn’t have given New Day the belts. PTP should their poor sportsmanship. We all know that Darren Young is the reason they even got a title shot, because he refuses to take a day off. Young never goes home, he does work for free at Titan Towers, when he isn’t wrestling. The top WWE brass felt bad for him, and gave him a title shot. I hate that guy.

The second match was either Sheamus Vs Orton, or Bray Vs Roman. Let’s go with Orton Vs Sheamus? So it took Orton 20 minutes to get to the ring, and Sheamus let a Life Model Decoy wrestle for him. He totally did. Robot Sheamus seemed to do things like wrestle and showboat at the same time, and pretend to be really angry. The last time I saw Sheamus, he was doing the worst beat down on Ziggler and Bryan. Orton won, and the fans loved him all over. JBL even lied about Bob Orton being in the back. WWE is trying to make it seem like the backstage area has every wrestler in there. JBL later lied about Harley Race being there, but why would he be in a shithole like St Louis? He wouldn’t because he’s a legend that belongs in a real city. I’d say Harley should move to George Town?

Bray Wyatt even slipped into his badass red jeans for his match with Roman. Bray only wears those to Foreigner and Lover Boy concerts, so this was a real treat for the fans. Luke Harper helped Bray beat Roman Reigns. I’m so happy that someone finally broke the Samoan Ceiling. Samoans have always had the top spots in WWE, and it’s about time that a crazy white guy gets a chance to move up.

The Divas had a three-way. It was just a match, not like the girl-girl three ways you see at 3am on Cinemax. The match involved Sasha Banks Vs Charlotte Flair Vs Brie Bella. Of course Sasha fucks up and Brie loses. Sasha is probably going to get turned on by Naomi and Tamina because they seem like they’re beat-up machines. This match was won by Charlotte Flair with the “Figure Eight”, because WWE can’t trademark “Figure Four”?

Cena beat the hell out of that little shit Kevin Owens, and kept his belt. This match showed that all these NXT/ROH guys can’t hang with the big boys. Cena was getting all the love last night, and why shouldn’t he, he’s the greatest wrestler of all time. He retired Flair, Hogan, and Rock. If I’m lying then why don’t they wrestle anymore? I’m hoping Cena will cripple Fin Balor next month, that guy sucks. Balor spent his 22 years as a young boy, in Japan. Worthless Indy trash.

Seth Rollins beat Brock, in a clean match. After the match, Brock tried to attack Seth, and Undertaker came out to stop Brock. It’s good to see Undertaker come to his senses and join with The Authority. I’m sure Kane can help Taker get acclimated to corporate life.

Top 5 Corporate Heels
5) Mankind/Dude Love
4) Tatanka
3) The Rock
2) Vince McMahon
1) Eric Bischoff

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