Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy
By Sebastian Howard
To anyone that missed me, I’ve been a bit busy as I’ve started going to College at the Palm Beach State, and am doing these kind of terrible, fast paced six week classes, wherein you have to do the exact same amount of work you would have in a sixteen work course in, well, six weeks. It’s been a brutal, and demanding schedule, and any free time I have these days is more dedicated to drinking and getting high and watching gritty, 70s horror films. I was trying to get some goddamned Acid the other day from my bud Nick’s, dickbag dealer but he skimped out on me and stopped returning my phone calls, so I got loaded up on alcohol instead. I was going to write a pretty cool column for the Comix section, where I was going to do a review of one of the old Aliens stories from the early 90s (which was a continuation of the original sequel to Alien) but that ended up getting canned due to friends coming over to the house. Also, I’ve been so burnt out on writing lately due to my Writing and Reading class that even the thought of writing for recreational purposes seems to make me physically sick.
In other news, my FAFSA check finally came in, and I have 700 dollars in the bank. I have to pay off a bunch of shit, my court fines from here and my court fines from Wenatchee, along with my probation officer costs, and I promised my Grandma I’d give her the majority of the money, but it still gives me a sense of smug satisfaction at actually having near a thousand bucks in my bank account. Not much, I must admit, but because I’ve never had a job (minus working with my Dad, which was shit pay) this seems like a lot to me in proportion to the usual zero I have gotten so used to holding. On another topic, I have over the last day or so, started to develop bad anxiety attacks. I read a critical piece on Hunter S Thompson yesterday, when trying to look something up on him, and even though the article was rather weak, because of my OCD, I end up fixated on the criticisms and have to constantly re-evaluate what I’m reading, and what it’s trying to get across to me. As for the other stuff in my life, my Dad just messaged me yesterday telling me I was a dumb fag for liking wrestling, my Writing teacher is pretty hot, and I’ve gotten down to smoking just one pack a day. And enough with this gibberish, let’s get on to some wrasslin’.
BROCK LESNAR IS GOING TO KILL SETH ROLLINS-GROUND
Battleground is the first show since Wrestlemania that’s really drawn any kind of interest, or excitement. And not without good reason, Seth Rollins and Lesnar have a perfect feud going on, and until it’s blown off, everything in between just felt like vapid, pointless filler. It was obvious from the way Rollins was set up, that he wasn’t going to lose the title until, at least, he feuded with Lesnar. So things that would’ve normally excited us, the IWC, like Ambrose/Rollins main eventing a PPV, have instead filled us with a kind of, “Wake us when Lesnar gets here,” apprehension. You know that Roman Reigns, Ambrose, Randy Orton… whoever isn’t going to win the title, and even if the matches are of high quality it still makes the matches feel unimportant. I’m hoping that after this feud is blown off, and Rollins gets to look a little tougher from going one on one with Lesnar, than things like Ambrose’s chase for the title will be given more importance, and it will also interject a sense of unpredictability that’s sorely been missing from the WWE in general lately. This was the only show in a while where a lot of the matches, the results, were in question. We as a fan base, legitimately didn’t know whether Owens (who has been the only edgy, unpredictable thing about Raw lately) was going to beat Cena for the US Title, we didn’t know if Sheamus, who just won the MITB, was going to be fed to Orton, but most importantly no one (at least before the Taker rumor got spread) knew who was going to go over between Lesnar/Rollins. Sure, it would seem idiotic for the WWE to give the championship back to Lesnar, which would have brought us back to the terrible events of last year (ala the WWE Champion never being on Raw, giving Raw a complete lack of importance) and also would’ve made Rollins look like a fluke, but WWE has made dumb decisions before (see Royal Rumble 2006, where Edge lost the WWE Title after having it for ONE FUCKING MONTH!!!) and nobody knew for sure what was going to happen. And with that little prelude, let’s jump into the show…
Oh they show the Romans in the beginning clip, and then jump to Roman Reigns. Cute. God, I can’t believe they didn’t give the US Title to Owens. Who in the fuck would be better for Cena to drop it to? I know a lot of people have been praising Cena’s matches lately, but the stories are so extremely stereotypical, and boring. Guy tries really hard to beat Cena, looks good, but gets caught with an FU or STF and loses. LAMEEEEE.
After the video package, we get probably one of the worst, white-trash country songs I’ve heard in a while. I’m sure my friend Brian will be all over that..
1st Match: Sheamus vs Randy Orton
It is so weird that Sheamus and Orton are starting off the show… I have the Hell in A Cell show from 2010, and they were the co-main event Hell in A Cell match from that show. It’s also absolutely retarded to give the briefcase to Sheamus. The MITB should go to someone NEW, who is trying to work their way up and that WWE is seriously considering grooming for their future. Instead we get another Sheamus push, probably there because Sheamus was promised a big push for when he returned. At least when Cena was the MITB holder it felt important, Sheamus is regulated to the upper middle card. Lame as fuck.
I will say though I think Sheamus works well as a heel, his entire look just pisses people off, and as a face he was just a terrible snarmmy, Irish guy with heelish tendencies. Jerry Lawler starts off this show with a new level of low, trying to act hip by talking about this BRAND NEW FEATURE he just found out about, blocking someone. What an old fucking retard.
Anywho, Orton and Sheamus go outside, and Orton whips Sheamus into the barricade. Sheamus tries escaping, but gets planted from a clothesline by Orton. Orton brings Sheamus in and they trade punches to get the Boo/Yay chants going… pretty much to wake the crowd up from the complete apathy that Sheamus carries around with him. Sheamus cuts Orton off with the Irish Curse… yes, Orton now has a small penis. Sheamus hits Orton with two more Irish Curses to make a 100% sure that Orton’s dick is small. Lame jokes, I know, but c’mon, ITS CALLED THE FUCKING IRISH CURSE!!!! Sheamus then goes to the second rope (!??) and hits a knee drop for two. Chinlock cityyyy babyyyyyy, and I just realized something. The Battleground arena doesn’t match the atmosphere they tried to make in the promo video. Battleground is supposed to be some badass, Roman thing where guys beat the shit out of each other, but the arena looks like some weird, future high techy Robot place from a movie like Metropolis.
Orton and Sheamus punch each other to more yay/boo shit… this goes on for a bit… and Orton takes out Sheamus with some clotheslines… and goes for the powerslam BUT Sheamus actually does a semi intelligent thing and holds on to the ropes! And then Orton tries going for the DDT off the ropes, but Sheamus drops down to avoid it! Sheamus is trying to avoid that shit, yo! Orton goes out, and backdrops Sheamus onto the Commentary table, and THEN hits the powerslam… and goes for the DDT off the ropes, but Sheamus fights out, and wrings Orton on the ropes.
Sheamus hits a rolling senton for two. Sheamus’s stupid assed nose ring makes him look like snots coming out of his nose. Sheamus goes for the super obvious BRO Kick, but Orton dodges… so Sheamus hits him with the White Noise for two. God damn! Sheamus IS sweating out of that fucking nose ring! Gross!!! Sheamus hits some European Uppercuts, but Orton Hulks Up, and hits a pretty sweet throw away T-Bone suplex for two. Orton goes up for the ten punch, but Sheamus pancakes him on the turnbuckle. Sheamus goes to the top rope for some inane reason, and it gives Orton a chance to hit a superplex. When was the last time anyone actually won with a fucking superplex?
The commentators mention that Orton’s Dad was at the show, yeah, y’know, the guy who had hepatitis and bled all over the Undertaker… great guy. Orton goes for the RKO and people with shitty Tribal tattoos are on their feet! Sheamus gets out of it, and hits the BRO I LOVE YOU Kick. Then Sheamus puts on the Texas Cloveleaf… I wonder if Dean Malneko is okay with this? Like WWE gives a fuck what Dean Malenko thinks… Orton tries getting to the ropes, but didn’t oil himself up enough before the match, so it takes him a good two minutes to do it. Orton pops up and hits the RKO OUTTA NOWEAHHHH for the win. The last time an RKO actually caught me in surprise was in 2004, Summerslam… when Orton beat the man who cannot be named. The match, the pacing of it felt like it was still in the middle of the match, and Benoit was getting all technical, and then Orton just went BOOM and hit the RKO and it was over. Pretty sweet match btw.
As for this match, it was decent but feels almost dated. This is a main event match in 2010, but starting a WWE PPV in 2015 just feels weird. Serviceable match, but pretty lame and generic from any kind of storytelling point of view. And the scary thing is, when Sheamus wins the title this is going to be the main event of some terrible PPV.
Why the fuck is everyone so happy about the Divas/NXT segment. It was so lazily done, Stephanie just brought everyone out, and was like fuck it. And why the fuck was Sasha Banks playing face? And goddamn, Stephanie is so obviously Vince’s girl. She is Vince as a chick. And goddamn does Stephanie not look sexy lately, she’s looking that old chick who is bitchy 24/7 but will occasionally be really nice. Y’know, make you cookies and shit. Basically she’s half of my friends Mom’s. And who is this black chick interviewing? Where the fuck is that sexy blonde bitch that Ambrose is banging?
New Day come out and preach, PREACH AND JESUS WILL SAVE YOU!!! Has anyone noticed that one guy in the crowd who has the Chris Jericho light up jacket circa 2012? Where did he get that thing, and where can I get them? Y’know, the problem with New Day is that they’re so stereotypical black, preacher guys. They feel like racist caricatures in some poorly written 1930s, white propaganda movie.
2nd Match: New Day vs Prime Time Playahs
So…. Is Darren Young a player? Like with his boyfriends? Would guys even care? HOW DARE YOU GO AND FUCK OTHER GUYS!!! Is that a thing? Here I am, complaining about blatant stereotyping and racist sketches, and then in the next paragraph I’m making, dumb general statements about gay people. I’m just a disgusting, parasitic hypocrite…
Darren Young looks like a tan white guy compared to how black everyone else in this match is. Titus O’Neil gets in, and chops Kofi hard as fuck (two jokes here, he slapped the black off him (racist) or he slapped him so hard his kids will be born dizzy (lame, Uncle jokes)). Darren Young in, and Titus suplexes Darren onto Big E. Big mistake to put Darren in the ring with Big E, and Big E whips Darren HARD AS FUCK to the other corner, into the post and outside the ring! And then Kofi kicks Darren hard as fuck in the face! Kofi in, and he goes enters Chinlock City. The commentators are actually visibly getting annoyed with how much Xavier Woods is yelling. Big E in, and E kills Darren with a splash on the apron! The commentators are talking about how big Big E is, and I swear to God I thought I heard JBL say Big E has a big dick (he actually said neck, I had to rewind to check).
Darren gets the tag to Titus, and he clotheslines Big E to the outside and fucks up Kofi with a sick backbreaker. Titus goes for a running splash, but Xavier Woods kicks him in the back, and Kofi gets two off it. Kofi goes to the top… and holy shit, Kofi’s hair is terrible. What the fuck is he doing there? Pigtails? I wonder if Kofi and Darren hang out after the show… Darren in, but he eats a kick from Kofi, and Big E’s in… and we’re exactly where we were five minutes ago. Darren dodges Kofi’s kick, and hits him with his finisher… Darren in, and he takes out Big E with a spinebuster for the win.
Pretty good match, and what surprises me about this how good the two big guys looked. Big E works really well as a heel (more his style in the ring than his personality), being the big guy who keeps his opponent down, and Titus is kind of like a demented, black Roman Reigns and fits perfectly into this era, as he looks like a big, badass basketball player. Great match, but the tag division needs something more than two or three good teams to feud constantly with each other.
The Paige team talk backstage, and Becky looks really hot, but she talks like she has a dick in her mouth.
Memo to The Glorious Sons: You’re not glorious, you suck ass, you’re self indulgent, and you’re probably white trash. I hate you and you’re shitty song for this PPV.
3rd Match: Roman Reigns vs Bray Wyatt
Was pleasantly surprised to learn that Wyatt went over here. The problem with Wyatt’s character is that he’s so neutered by the PG rating. If the rating was upped to TV 14 we could have Wyatt killing people with chairs, and cool backstage stuff, but instead they have a very limited framework to work with. You can’t really get excited for Wyatt because not only have all of his feuds defended into complete formula, but there’s no edge or grit there. At least, not as much as there could be. I was talking with my friend Nick about this, and he said to me that if Dean Ambrose was able to go all out, and the rating was TV 14 the companies ratings and buyrates would skyrocket. It really is extremely lame that WWE is so limited in what they can do now by their TV PG rating, and all because Vince doesn’t want to piss off the sponsors. Let’s hope for the old man’s death soon, so the only wrestling promotion that actually matters can get that edge and grit back… Money hungry, PG bastard.
Roman Reigns and Wyatt lock up, and I’m hoping that Reigns starts getting extremely technical and drops him down to a sharpshooter, which Wyatt would reverse into an anklelock, which Reigns would reverse into a Dragon Sleeper… LOLZ just joking. Don’t worry, Punk and Bryan are gone, we aren’t going to see anything technical for a WHILE!!
Reigns with some punches to Wyatt, but Wyatt comes back with that twisting crossbody thing he does. Wyatt brings Roman Reigns in the corner, while the commentators pontificate about Wyatt’s character, and it sounds like some retarded conversation that Nick and I would have on Acid. Reigns comes back with a Samoan Drop and Wyatt rolls to the outside. Reigns runs around to where Wyatt is, and goes for a spear but Wyatt dodges at the last second, and Reigns eats the steps. Back in the ring, and Wyatt does some taunting. Because cocky, slaughterhouse hillbillies are extremely cocky… actually that sounds pretty accurate. Wyatt does that ten punch thing, which is pretty weird since he’s the heel. Wyatt brings Reigns to the apron and plants him with a DDT! Pretty sweet.
Y’know, Wyatt and Reigns really need a better reason to feud then just Wyatt doesn’t like Roman Reigns. Then again… who does like Roman Reigns? Wyatt goes to chinlock city… I light a cigarette… a Camel jumps up and down… some guy masturbates… some chick gets raped… a crazy guy with a chainsaw says that Bray Wyatt is a pussy….
Y’know, usually WWE is very good at making characters that I am usually very into… I either hate them or love them, but with Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns I almost feel completely indifferent. I mean, I guess I like Bray Wyatt more, but both of them just seem like lamer versions of characters we’ve already had (Reigns is Batista/Triple H, and Wyatt is Kane when Kane was cool). Wyatt’s hard to identify with because nothing he says has any kind of coherence or internal consistency (his motivations for hating Reigns were never explained in detail, and Wyatt doesn’t seem like he’s edgy enough to make shooty comments ala CM Punk) and Reigns whole character seems to work better as a heel. His entire persona is that of a douchy guy, who thinks he’s better than everyone and is going to be pushed whether you want it or not. Reigns can work as a face in some situations, but as a character in general he’s not someone I’m really invested in, or care about.
Back to the match, and Reigns hit a Superman Punch for two. Then he goes for the Flash Spear, but Wyatt cuts him off with the Batman Fist but it only gets two as Reigns kicks out. Wyatt does the Carnage Crawl, and then goes for the Sister Wonder Women, but Roman gets out with his Hulk like strength. Reigns hits the Colossus Like Drop, but Wyatt rolls to the outside.
And yeah, I’m done with that. Wyatt grabs two chairs, but Reigns doesn’t want to take that bump, so he punches Wyatt in the face. Reigns throws a bunch of chairs in the ring for absolutely no reason, and then some guy who looks like Rick Steiner attacks Reigns. The distraction allows Wyatt to hit a Sister Abigail on the apron, and another in the ring for the win. Turns out that Rick Steiner guy was Luke Harper. So now they’re going backwards with Wyatt, and Harper isn’t going anywhere. Great.
The match was pretty good, and had both guys looking even. As I said earlier, in some situations Reigns can work as a face, and against Wyatt it looked like some twisted version of a Perfect Human Being going up against a crazy assed, lunatic. Naturally, it just seems like you should cheer for Reigns, and the matched ended up being pretty decent. Pretty cool that Wyatt went over, but the fact that Harper’s with him gets absolutely no excitement from me. They just don’t know what to do with Wyatt, or what to do with Harper. They’re just stuck in some terrible holding pattern… maybe Wyatt could feud with Cena over the US Title???
4th Match: Taminia (GROSS), Sasha Banks (SO sleazy and hot) and Naomi (ehh, I live in West Palm and see chicks like that in College all the time) vs Paige (OVERRATED), Becky Lynch (hot), and Charlotte (nope) vs Bellas and Alicia Fox (I want to fuck Nikki Bella’s preppy, thick ass, and Alicia Fox has gotten pretty hot… anyone remember when she used to be an anorexic mess in 2011?)
Sasha Banks has so much more personality than both of the Bella’s… its almost ridiculous. Oh wait, this is a goddamned triple threat!!!???
4th Match: Sasha Banks vs Charlotte vs Bri Bella
Well, I do prefer a triple threat to a messy assed tag team triple threat. Sasha whips Charlotte into the corner, but she Flair Flips out of it! Pretty sweet, Bri comes in…. and Sasha ends up putting Charlotee and Bri in the corner, and knees them out… gets two on both of them. Sasha has to be the most 2015 thing ever, she says like a boss, acts extremely cocky, and comes to fucking club music!! She probably has the most personality out of any Diva since Heel Trish. Sasha throws Charlotte around for a bit… Sasha does a double knee thing to Charlotte in the corner. The match pacing here is pretty awkard… I don’t think Charlotte and Sasha are used to dealing with Bri, and the awkard formula for triple threats in general is bogging down the match a bit. Charlotte makes a comeback, and takes Sasha out with a pretty sweet boot to the face. Bri comes back to boos, with clotheslines and dropkicks.
Bri hits a double bulldog on the two chicks. Bri tries to win the fans over with the Daniel Bryan kicks… it doesn’t work. Charolette goes for a spear to Sasha, but she dodges and Charlotte takes out Bri. Sasha hits Charlotte with an Alabama Slam but only gets two. This is such an awkward match… its like Sasha and Charlotte just wanna wrestler each other, and Bri’s just kinda awkwardly wedged in there, with weird Daniel Bryan spots. Sasha does a plancha, and takes out Bri, Paige, and Becky… and then Charlotte hits a splash to the outside.
Charlotte has no ass. It’s like negative two ass, or something. Sasha hits a backbreaker on Charlotte into a Crossface, but Bri grabs Sasha and throws her into the post. BOOOOOOOOO, we need more Sasha!!!! Becky hits the Figure Eight on Bri for the win.
Very awkward pacing of the match, and the Bri spots felt really contrived. Sasha vs Charlotte would’ve been great, and even a singles match between Bri and one of the others would’ve worked better than the triple threat did. You could see Charlotte and Sasha physically slow themselves down to allow Bri to get her spots in, and the match just didn’t work because of it. I am impressed by Sasha (REALLY impressed) and Charlotte, and definitely am looking forward to seeing what they’re going to do with the NXT Diva’s after this.
Wade Barrett finally got to beat R-Truth. Yayyy, I guess.
5th Match: Kevin Owens vs John Cena © for the US Championship
I really don’t understand why they took the fucking NXT Title off of Owens if they weren’t going to give him the US Title. Kevin Owens is such a badass, cocky asshole… he actually got mad at Cena for telling him he belonged in the WWE. That is some awesome shit! Y’know, the funny thing about Kevin Owens is that he basically is in the Punk-post Las Vegas shoot era, he showed up on Raw like that, and didn’t have to go through the six years of bullshit Punk had to go through before that. I mean, granted he’s not the WWE Champion or anything, but he basically is a shooty, cocky guy who hates everyone… especially John Cena. And he’s a controversial figure who people either love or hate, and works best as a heel. If you’re not seeing the comparisons between Owens and Punk (HE’S WEARING BASKETBALL SHORTS LIKE PUNK USED TO IN ROH!!!) then you might be a bit inane.
Owens and Cena lock up… Owens into a headlock, as Lawler tells the fans not to boo Cena because he’s such a great guy, which JBL correctly responds with a what the hell are you talking about, retort. Owens leapfrogs over Cena, and punches Cena dazing him a bit. Owens with a whip to Cena, and of course Cena is completely dead from an irish whip into the corner. You wanna talk about overselling, Cena is the most sensitive motherfucker ever until the end of the match, where he somehow becomes completely invincible.
Cena comes back with a pretty cool move, where he hits a spin out slam. Cena hits the legdrop… I will give Cena this, lately he really has upped his game more giving more effort into his matches. I think, what happened, was that Trips looked at Cena, and realized Cena was one victory away from beating Flair’s record was like, “Aye, calm down kid.” So he put in the upper mid-card to elevate the US Title, and Cena’s responded by trying to prove that he earns another title run.
Anyway, Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Owens is just like Fuck You, and rolls to the apron, and does Cena’s wavey hand taunt. Owens then DOES THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM!!! HOLY SHIT, THAT’S SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! AND HE HITS THE FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE!!! KEVIN OWENS IS THE FUCKING SHIT!!!! Cena comes back with an electric chair, and goes into an STF. Owens kicks out of it, and PLANTS Cena with a sick backbreaker!
I don’t know why they let the most retarded, ill-literate people on the WWE twitter feed. Jerry Lawler continues to be obnoxious, talking about how great John Cena is…Cena comes back with punches, and hits that Rey Mysterio powerbomb thing he’s been doing lately. Still a cool move to see from him though. Cena goes up top for the leg drop, and in the move that broke his neck in 2008, Owens catches Cena in a powerbomb for two! Pretty cool spot but I’m not sure Cena should be pulling that out too often considering HE BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK DOING THAT SPOT!!! Cena pops up, and hits the FU, because he’s John Cena, but only gets two.
Cena goes up top for a superplex but OWENS REVERSES INTO A MOTHERFUCKING MUSCULEBUSTER OFF THE TOP ROPE!!!! THAT WAS SICK AS FUCK!!!! Props to Cena for having the balls to take that, right after taking that powerbomb. Owens goes for the Super Powerbomb, but Cena reverses into a rana… Owens hits Cena with a kick, and hits Cena with the FU AND GOES INTO THE STF!!!! I LOVE YOU KEVIN OWENS, SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, that is some COCKY shit that not even Punk did in his heyday! Cena gets the ropes because he’s Cena. If Owens had one with that… Jesus, he would’ve been MADE!
Cena comes back with a HURRICANRANA DDT!!! WTF!!!?? Cena really has been pulling out all the stops lately, Jesus. Cena hits the Springboard Stunner, but Owens no sells and takes Cena out with a clothesline. Owens then does a fucking SICK brainbuster for two! I have to admit, Cena is really carrying his end of the match here, this is the first time in a while that I’ve really seen Cena give a fuck. Owens goes for the super powerbomb, but Cena jumps out, and hits the FU for two. Cena seems to be running out of moves and KILLS Owens with a clothesline. Cena goes for another one, but eats the Super Duper Powerbomb for two. It really is like, at this point, what do you do to beat the other guy? A lot of times it feels contrived in matches, but these guys have each other with their finishers so many times that it actually is exactly what they would think at that point. And to exasperate that point even further, Cena hits an FU OFF THE TOP ROPE and KEVIN OWENS KICKS OUT AT TWO!!!
Cena really does seem completely stunned with what to do next, but he also looks pissed. Cena is acting somewhat heelish right, talking shit to Owens, and doing stiff clotheslines and such… Cena gets the STF on… and Owens ALMOST gets the ropes but nope. And Owens taps, LAMEEEE!!!
4.0/5.0 A really, really good match, highlighted by Cena actually giving a fuck and adding a lot to the match. The story of these two guys doing absolutely everything they could to each other, and each guy kicking out… it was just a very well done match, and really made Owens look strong by kicking out of the Super FU. It is lame that Owens lost, and really marks down the match a bit (lol Cena Wins, anyone?), but overall this match so far has definitely been the highlight of the show, and the best of their series. Cena really impressed me here, and if he can continue his anti-apathy, it won’t be a chore to sit through his matches. Now if there was just more uncertainty during his matches over whether he was going to go over or not… Another thing I wanted to comment on is how well done the suspense angle was here. When Owens kicked out of the Super FU, Cole said that Cena had the same look of disbelief that he had when wrestling Flex. It really tricked you into thinking that Owens was going to win, and the ending, and how abrupt it was, was a bit jarring.
Miz comes out wearing maybe the gayest sweater ever.
Main Event: Brock Lesnar vs Seth Rollins © for the WWE Championship
Brock Lesnar hitting a fan with the car door is pretty damned funny. And he really fucked up Noble’s arm with Kamara. The point is, don’t fuck with Brock Lesnar. Lesnar as a super invincible face is just weird… I mean whole is going to be heelish enough to make him come across as sympathetic? Still, it definitely works in this story.
Seth is coming to the ring all by his lonesome, which gives this match a completely different atmosphere then if J and J, and Kane were there. Rollins character is pretty great, he’s basically a baby with a sucker, and doesn’t want to give it up… but there’s Brock Lesnar to shatter his delusions of grandeur. God, Seth Rollins is so totally going to die in this match. Lesnar is going to mop the fucking floor with Rollins Hipster ass! Also… isn’t it weird that Paul Heyman is a fucking face now!!???
Lesnar does his usual ramming in the corner to start the match, and Rollins is like fuck that, and runs away from Lesnar. Back in the ring, Rollins holds on to the ropes to avoid a German, and hits a couple kicks. Brock catches him coming off the top, and TOSSES Seth with a German! And another. Seth sells those Germans like Shawn on coke in the 90s. Well there’s only ten minutes left in this match, so instead of a back and forth I’m assuming this is going to be a squash until Taker comes out. Rollins tries to leave, but Lesnar jumps over the barricade, and brings Rollins back in the ring. Lesnar is playing with Rollins like a goddamned cat playing with a mouse.
Lesnar does too many fucking Germans, and Rollins jumps out of one them, and gets in a bunch of kicks just trying to keep Lesnar down. Rollins goes for the Pedigree, but Lesnar reverses into the F5… Rollins gets out, and sends Lesnar to the outside. Rollins with two suicide dives… This is such a weirdly structured match, as Rollins is the underdog/face position, and Lesnar is the big, badass heel, but that’s not the story at all… Rollins goes for another dive, but Lesnar catches him with a Belly to Belly… and shit, ALL Lesnar is doing is suplexes. Lots and lots of Germans. And then Lesnar SMACKS Rollins right in the face! Damn! Rollins is like, FUCK YOU and slaps Lesnar in the face! Lesnar hits the F5…. BUT OH MY GWADDDDDDDD IT’S THE UNDERTAKER!!!!!!
God, he looks old as shit. And Lesnar looks really scared of this fat, old guy. Taker ends up taking Lesnar out with a low blow…. So um, is Taker the heel here or what? Taker hits a chokeslam to a really mixed reaction… Taker looks like one your friends Dad’s who acts really intimidating, but is so goddamn old and fat that you feel if you puffed on him too hard he’d evaporate into dust. Taker hits a tombstone, and a huge Taker chant starts. Taker hits ANOTHER Tombstone while Heyman yells OH MY GOD!!! Um….. um…. Wow, that’s lame.
So Takers coming back to wrestle Lesnar in another shitty match. There’s only two possibilities that can come out of this match, and neither of them help move the company forward. First, you could have Taker win, and redeem himself by beating Lesnar. Um, okay but that would render the whole fucking point of Lesnar beating Taker in the first place, completely useless. If Brock loses to Taker, Brock looks weaker than if he had never wrestled Taker again in the first place. And if you ARE going to have Lesnar go over again, what the fuck is the point of the rematch? The whole thing seems vapid and pointless, and I’m actually rather glad that Lesnar and Taker barely show up because I do not want to have anything to do with that build up. This feels like a cheap money grab on Vince’s part, almost exactly like Rock/Cena 2 did. There’s no point in the match, and more importantly it feels like the company is taking a step backwards, instead of forwards. Even heel Trips interfering and beating up Lesnar would’ve seemed cooler than this. This is just lazy, uninspired booking that no one wins from.
As for the show in general, everything was decent, but considering how much build up was put into Rollins/Lesnar, the match was WAYYY too short, and one sided. It leaves me with a feeling of, like, really, that’s it? That’s what you’ve been building up to for three months? At least Rollins gets to keep the title, and the Lesnar thing is more or less blown off, so we can get finally let the feuds for the WWE Title have some importance, rather than just being placeholders. The matches on the card were all decent, but none of them were really great, except for Cena/Owens three… and even that is harped by WWE’s refusal to put anyone over Cena unless they absolutely have to. The Diva’s triple threat was terribly awkward, and is probably going to be overrated by people just because they’re so happy to see some decent women’s wrestling. As lame as the match was though, I am pretty excited to see the other NXT Women, and how they’re going to interact on Raw. Overall, a decent show, but more of a way to finish all the open feuds and start anew rather than something truly spectacular.
Tags: Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy