The Jaded Heat Magnet: The Death of Hulk Hogan

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Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.

— Inside Pulse

“WWE terminated its contract with Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan). WWE is committed to embracing and celebrating individuals from all backgrounds as demonstrated by the diversity of our employees, performers and fans worldwide.”

— WWE

HULKAMANIA  1983-2015

Yeah, Terry Gene Bollea is still alive. But Hulk Hogan is dead. I’m just talking about the good guy, real American hero who was born in the AWA. That character died today. He’s gone, and more than likely will never return. Ever. I figure if Terry Bollea dies 25 years from now if he’ll be lucky if he even gets a graphic with his name and picture on it before an episode of Raw.

That’s sad.

Before get to what Terry Bollea said 8 years ago, let me go over my own personel experiences and feeling about Hulk Hogan. My first memories of Hulk Hogan trace back to 1985. I was turning the cable knob (The old cable boxes!) when I stopped on Hulk Hogan doing an awesome promo. I became an instant fan. I watched the War to Settle the Score not long after that. I was hooked on wrestling. I became a lifer. I bought the big rubber LJN figures and the smaller thumb wrestlers. It would be a couple of years before Hulk came to town. It was a big, fucking deal when he finally did arrive. The WWE had tv commercials on endlessly during the syndicated shows and a huge newspaper ad. Hulk Hogan was coming to town. Tickets sold out fast. And the day tickets went on sell my Mom was in line. Her boss let her take an extra long lunch break to get the tickets. I was going to see Hulk-fucking-Hogan! It would be like a greek getting to me Zeus! And the show was totally awesome. It was packed. The only other guy to totally fill our arena was Stone Cold. I remember standing in line and watching a limo pull into the garage of the arena. He was it it? Don’t have a fucking clue! Turns out the show was a tv taping so I got around 4 hours of an awesome show. And when Hulk came out at the end I’ve never seen such a response in my life! When Real American hit the foundations of the arena shook. Hulk took on Earthquake in a stretcher match. You know who won. Hulk did the posing and it was a total war with which side was louder. Wow. Also that night I bought a Hulk Hogan t-shirt. It was my lucky shirt. I wore it for the entire week of the state testing thing. My grandmother washed it every day so I could wear it to school the next day. My love of wrestling became mythic at my elementary school. I was the wrestling kid. But things would take a sad turn. In the early 90’s came the Hogan sex scandal pictures in tabloid mag. It didn’t bother me, to be honest. I wish I could have played with those sweet boobies, too. Then came Arsenio Hall and the steroid thing. Still didn’t bother me to be honest. I really didn’t know much about steriods back then. Dare and Victor would change that.

But then came Vince’s trial.

And Hulk lied. About two years earlier I became friends with an elderly gentlemen who had friends in the wrestling business back in the 60’s. He taught me how wrestling really worked and told me to always protect the business by keeping kayfabe a secret. And I did. And Hulk retired and I moved on. Then he came back. And won the title from Yokozuna. I felt bad for Bret Hart. Then word got out that Hulk would lose the WWE title to Bret at Summerslam and pass the torch. Then he went to Japan and took on Muta. And after the match he basically said the WWE title was worthless. I was honestly offended by that. And then Hulk lost the title with the “fire camera” and left.

Why didn’t he lose the title to Bret?

Then Hulk went to WCW. Now my cousin was a hardcore NWA/WCW guy. He was totally pissed about Hulk Hogan being in WCW. To be honest I got tired of Hulk as WCW champion. He should have lost the title to Flair at some point.  Then he no sold Vader’s powerbomb. And my cousin hated his guts even more. And who can forget WCW Nitro in 95? Dark Side Hulk Hogan sans the moustache! Then came the NWO which was awesome for a while. But Hulk was champion again forever. I became tired of Hulk Hogan for sure now. Like the rest of us I thought Sting would beat Hogan clean. We know what happened with that. And the WWE found it’s attitude. And WCW stayed the same.

And then came the Finger Poke of Doom.

By this point I taped Nitro and watched Raw live. And as the WWE became awesome it was the same old shit in WCW. Hulk left then came back to beat Savage for the title. I honestly can’t remember Macho Man pinning Hulk, ever. I don’t think it ever happened.

Then came Bash at the Beach 2000.

I bought it on PPV ’cause to be honest WCW was like watching a really bad car crash that year. You don’t want to look, but you can’t turn away. Now their was talk on the net that Hulk had creative control, but I honestly didn’t know for sure. But Russo let us all know it was true. Hulk never came back to WCW after that PPV thanks to Vince Russo.

And then he came back to the WWE.

The match with the Rock was spectacular in it’s own way. No, it wasn’t a technical masterpiece, but it was for damn sure fun to watch. And Hulk did the job for the first time in years. Clean, too! I honestly laughed when he beat Triple H for the title, though. Then he just lost. He became Job Squad Hogan! Sandbagged the American Bad-Ass Taker’s chokeslam. Tapped out to Angle. Passed out to Brock. Returned the favor to Trips.

Then he left again.

Came back to battle McMahon at WrestleMania. The Hulk/Vince promo showdown on Smackdown is still hilarious for Hogan’s complete botch of the human language. I think Botchamania may have been born that very day! And then he became Mr. America. Nuff said. . .

Then he left, again.

I’ll never forget the butthurt interview about leaving the WWE ’cause they wouldn’t take the high road for his character. What the fuck was the high road, Hulk? A two year title reign with another Rumble victory and defeating Austin, the Rock, Lesnar, Angle, and Taker in a guantlet match at WrestleMania? The man was full of yellow and red bullshit.

But then he came back again to feud with Shawn Michaels in a planned trilogy which only had one match. Which Hulk won. But Michaels delivered an epic performance of selling like he had been hit by a nuclear bomb! Shawn’s only mistake was not doing the Devon shake in the middle of the ring after the legdrop!

And then he left, once again.

But came back to beat Randy Orton while he had Hogan Knows Best on VH1. I actually enjoyed the show. It was a car crash, wait, sorry. Just remembered Nic Hogan. And then the Hogan Empire fell. Hulk ended up divorced with no money. What the wife didn’t get, Nic sort of spent in his own way. You know the way I’m talking about. And Brooke tried to launch her “singing career”. We now know Hulk spent plenty for that cause, too.

And then came TNA.

What really needs to be said that hasn’t been said about the Hogan era in TNA? The magic ring. Abyss is the next John Cena. Brooke, who had no prior link to wrestling, except that her father was Hulk Hogan, is put over as the boss of the Knockouts. And she became a major focus of Impact when Hulk wasn’t doing a 30 minute promo about himself. Good times. And then she married Bully Ray on TV and then announced her real engagement. “Cause wrestling is fake, stupid! Real smart.

Then Hulk left TNA dragging Dixie Carter with him as he returned to the WWE and became the unofficial pitchman for the WWE Network and he was the host of WrestleMania which was in the Silverdome, brother! Oh, shit! And he’s made an appearance here and there. Now he’s a judge on Tough Enough.

Well, he was until today.

Here’s the thing that I’ve learned over the years. Hulk’s an awesome con artist. He’s fooled the best. He worked Vince like he was a cheap whore. Let’s just go over the scoreboard here folks, Taking the thunder away from Macho Man’s reign. Check. Killing Warrior’s reign. Check. Killing Taker’s first reign. Check. Getting the belt back at WrestleMania 9 while shoveling Bret into the ground. Check. Calling the WWE title a toy. Check. Refusing to lose to Bret and getting burned by the “fire camera.” Check. Lied about steriod use. Check. Destroyed Vader’s career. Check. His “win” over Sting. Check. The Finger Poke of Doom. Check. Helping kill WCW in the process. Check. Creative control card. Check. And wounding TNA really bad. Check. Check. And Check.

And now we come to the bullshit lies. . .

He “almost” became the bassist of Metallica. Andre died not long after the epic slam in ’87. Andre died in ’93. It was the sheer force, I tell ya, brother. And Hulk has added a hundred pounds every few years to Andre’s weight. He weighed more than a semi when Hulk slammed him. Which, by the way, tore every muscle in Hulk’s body. The story he told about his knee is just unbelivable. Read his book. Then you will understand. Hulk was Elvis’s favorite wrestler. Elvis died in ’77 and Hulk didn’t enter wrestling until the next year. But it gets worse. Hulk told the tragic tale of a sick kid who was dying and his wish was to see the Hulkster. After his match, Hulk saw the kid in the crowd and a tear fell from his eye. This was supposed to have happened at Summerslam ’92. One small problem. HULK WAS NEVER THERE! And the latest is his suicide which was stopped by a phone call from Laila Ali which she says never happened. Wait. Laila Ali is African-American. I’m just gonna take a moment to let that really sink in. . .

Now comes to, well, now.

I’m going to now post the rant in it’s entirety, but it will be edited:

“I guess we’re all a little racist. She is making some real bad decisions now. My daughter Brooke jumped sides on me. I spent $2-3 million on her music career, I’ve done everything like a jackass for her. The one option Brooke had, Brooke’s career besides me, is [to] sell beach records. “I don’t know if Brooke was f*cking the black guy’s son. I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, f*cking n*ggers. But then when it comes to nice people and sh*t, and whatever. I mean, I’d rather if she was going to f*ck some n*gger, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall n*gger worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player! I guess we’re all a little racist. Fucking n*gger.”

— Terry Bollea (Hulk Hogan)

Hulk spent 3 million on Brooke’s singing career? Wow. Hulk is also a closet donkey! Didn’t know that one. Here’s the thing people: Hulk’s screwed no matter what. Hulk screwed Hulk. I understand he said it in private and it was 8 years ago. It’s doesn’t matter. For now on till the day poor Terry Bollea goes in the ground himself he shall be known as the racist bigot. And man did Vince come down with the Hammer of the Wrestling Gods. He’s blacklisted from the WWE. No profile. No merchandise. No video game. No Tough Enough. Will the Repo Man be out to get the magical hall of fame ring? 

Hulk has also issued the following statement:

“Eight years ago I used offensive language during a conversation. It was unacceptable for me to have used that offensive language; there is no excuse for it; and I apologize for having done it. This is not who I am. I believe very strongly that every person in the world is important and should not be treated differently based on race, gender, orientation, religious beliefs or otherwise. I am disappointed with myself that I used language that is offensive and inconsistent with my own beliefs.”

— Hulk Hogan

Okay, Hulk. Here’s my perspective. When he sued over the sex tape he should have known this would come out at some point down the road. Maybe Hulk can come out Monday on Raw and join the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club for his job back.

This is the true power of karma.

Hulk has played us for years. He’s a genius at conning people. He was a great politician. He could also be ruthless: How about when Hulk was going to help break the leg of the Ultimate Warrior ’cause he was holding Vince up for money when Hulk Hogan has admitted himself to doing the same damn thing. Where you going to break your own leg too, Hulk?  Yeah, he was behind the boom in the 80’s and the rise of WCW in the 90’s. Part of me wants to go off on Hulk Hogan. I mean we should never forget all the bad shit that he’s done to the business with being a selfish, egotistical, self-serving, low-life creative card waving bag of monkey shit.  In a way I’m glad the asshole lost all of his money. I’m glad he lost his mansion, his boat, and his damn hair! That he can’t get his limp python up anymore!

But I also feel sorry for Hulk. He’s a broken down old horse with a metal hip, malfunctioning bionic back who is now and forever shall be known as Hulk Hogan aka the racist. I guess Andre slammed himself now? Macho Man won by default at WrestleMania 5? The Rock went Icon vs Icon as he took on the Invisible man? Think on this people: the one guy on earth who everybody knows when it comes to wrestling is Hulk Hogan. Thanks Hulk. 

And he’s banned again from the WWE. This is not the first time. Vince Senior also banned Hulk after not allowing him to be in Rocky 3. Wow. No more merchandise. No more Tough Enough. No more bullshit about another match in the WWE. He got the WWE’s death penalty. Vince stomped his balls and shoved his ass out the door.  I’m not going to defend, nor condemn Hulk Hogan.

But this is a black day for wrestling.

No way around it. The WWE stock took a hit Friday. I have no doubt it will be worse come Monday. Don’t worry, Hulk. We all know your human, but an orange hobgoblins. Maybe it’s time to return to your own dimension. Like ET, Maybe Hulk can phone home. Word on the street is Donald Trump plans on deporting all orange hobgoblins out of the states. But don’t worry, Hulk’s done brought God into this mess ’cause he’s gonna lead the Hulkster through to a new universe. Just as long as their are no brothers in it, brother. I’m sorry I couldn’t pass that one up.

But here Hulk’s lawyer setting the record straight:

“He is not a racist. His history defines him as something different.”

Something different? I honestly hope Heather Clem’s vagina was something different. I mean tight, right, and out of sight ’cause Hulk’s sure as hell gonna pay for it. And them some. Why do I have the feeling Randy Savge is laughing his ass off right now? Don’t worry, Hulk, ’cause Virgil will still follow you on twitter for another twenty.  

And it’s not like the WWE have ever demeaned, or stereotyped a minority. I mean look at all these positive examples of African-American performers:

Cryme Tyme. Virgil. Kamala. Saba Simba. A New Day. The Nation of Domination. R-Truth. And Booker T in 2003.

And the esteemed Chairman of the Board, Vince McMahon would never, ever lower himself to using the n-word for a cheap laugh in a bad skit.

As always, I’ll leave you with an inspiring quote:

“Here’s the thing people: don’t look to sports atheletes, movie stars, or celebrities as your role models. Hell, some of us can’t even look up to our parents. Just look to yourselves. Be that beacon of light in the darkness. And remember it’s when were in our lowest times that can come our greatest blunders, or for some, greatest moments.”

— Jaded Seth Malice

I’ll still miss that orange hobgoblin.

 

 

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