The Jaded Heat Magnet: I’m Sorry, Hulk


 Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.

“The only pile of monkey shit here is this horrible column and the author who wrote this trash. Why don’t you just shut the fuck up and go flush yourself down the toilet back into the sewer you crawled out of.”

— Pat

I’m sorry, Pat. Your right. I’m wrong. See, I admit it. I’m a horrible human being. Hold on as I flush the toilet. I know your hurting, Pat. I’m hurting, too. My pain is likely physical and could be caused from eating fast food last night. But your pain is emotional. That’s the worst kind of pain. You can’t heal it with surgery, or pop a hydrocodone. Some drink. But once you sober up, well, you find the pain is still there. And in some cases find yourself waking up in an alley totally naked in the French Quarter with a dog licking your junk. Don’t worry that wasn’t me, but a close friend. He decided to seek help for his drinking problem. And he defeated it. He went cold turkey. Now he’s sober. And he adopted that dog. We all could learn from that. Your lashing out like a rabid opossum, Pat. I understand. I’m here for you, Pat. All of us are here for you.

And were gonna get through this together.

 I decided to watch the Hulk sex video. I thought it might help to understand Pat’s pain. And I understand it now. I sadly watched as Hulk Hogan pulled and struggled to get his limp python up, it hit me like a rock to the face. Hulk Hogan wasn’t a superhero. He was just a human man. A frail, broken, human man. Everything had been taken way from him. His career. His money. His beloved boat. His money. All gone.

And Hulk, like Pat, lashed out like a rabid opossum.

“I am far more disgusted by the words of this author who has no business calling himself a columnist then I am by anything Hogan said. The guy who wrote this column is nothing but a monkey’s ass and every word out of his mouth is a pile of monkey shit. This website should be shut down for publishing this garbage.”


Your right, Pat. I am a baboon’s itchy rectum. But I can be scratched on a tree. I really can. See, Pat, I’m man enough to admit it. A guy once said all my words were like NWO poison. All I do is destroy, I never create. I never lift people up, just bring them down. All I know is being a smartass jerk. This apple is rotten to the core. But please, Pat, don’t hate the website for my actions. Inside Pulse is completely innocent. I alone am responsible for my callous remarks. I should never have called Hulk Hogan an egotistical, self-serving, low life creative card waving bag of moneky shit. Nor an orange hobgolblin. That was just wrong. I’m wrong.

I’m sorry, Hulk. I’m sorry, Pat. I completely apologize to all the readers and Inside Pulse. I lowered myself with those unforgivable comments. I’ve even turned in my resignation to my boss. I hope that one day, Hulk, Pat, and the whole wrestling world will forgive this terrible lapse in judgement.

What I did far more blackened the eyes of sports entertainment than anything Hulk has did, or said. But I have decided to change. To be a good, honest man that inspires with kind words and humble deeds.  

“I would love to see you say all that horrible crap to Hulk Hogan’s face. He would rub your head in a pile of goat shit where it belongs.”

— Pat

Your right, Pat. I’d would never say those words to Hulk’s face. I’d tell him that I’m sorry. I’d give him a hug. And ask for his forgiveness. I’d tell him your my brother, brother. I’d offer to help Hulk in getting back in fighting shape. We could train, say our prayers, and eat the vitamins together. Bound For Glory needs a main event and what better moment could there be than to have Hulkamania return to TNA’s biggest night of the year and defeat EC3 for the title. I just got goosebumps thinking about it. And I’d also help him with getting a prescription for viagra so the min-python is ready for action at all times.

 As always, I’ll leave you with an inspiring quote and no doubt this one will inspire best of all:

“It’s tough because a lot of my friends in normal life, a lot of my friends in the entertainment business, and a lot of my friends in the wrestling business are gay. Just to say something spiteful and hurtful, I don’t get it… if it was true and I was gay, I’d embrace it, and I’d tell you guys about it and I’d celebrate it.”

— Hulk Hogan

“Let me say it one more time so you completely understand, McMahon. If you actually believe in your mind, if you actually believe that I was just the right gay guy at the right place, at the right time, then your a bigger delusional bastard than I thought, McMahon!”

— Hulk Hogan

You tell him, Hulk. Hulk still rules, folks. And he’s damn proud to be out in the open about it! Hulk’s got your back, brother!

 God bless Hulk Hogan! And God bless America!


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