The Jaded Heat Magnet: Farewell, Piper (Dana White, Roddy Piper, WWE, Undertaker)

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Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.

The original title for this column was to be called John Cena’s Nose 1978-2015, but then Roddy Piper died. That just plain sucks. Please be patient with me cause this column was written with a broken heart.

“i hear you bro but fake shit should be 9.99.”

— Dana White, on Twitter

Thanks for the tip, Diana. I’m sorry, Dana. The president of UFC and uncrowned sovereign prince of Assland is all butthurt ’cause a wrestling fan called him out on his overpriced PPVs. His excuse? It’s real! Yeah, it’s real all right. Nothing could be more real than two guys hugging each other for 30 minutes. It’s real all right. We got a real huggathon for ya. It’s real, though.  Really boring. Boring as hell. But it’s still real! And then when you do get a good fight they stop it the second somone drops. The second tick. For real. Here’s the thing, Debra, I mean Dana,  wrestling is not fake. Yes, it’s predetermined. But NOT fake. Ask Steve Austin, Mick Foley, or Kurt Angle how fake wrestling is? Dasha, I mean Dana,  you are a douchbag. The best douche company in the world can’t make one better than Dana White.

FAKE!

 Just keep talking shit, Dana, ’cause I’ll put my fake boot up your fake ass as I rip off your fake dick off and shove that two inch pecker down your fake throat, so help me in God we trust all others pay cash you faking fake shit! Say something else, Darlene, I mean Dana. Go ahead make my faking day, mutherfaker! I’ll tattoo FAKE BITCH on your bald, fucking head you fake as shit fake! So do us all a favor, Danielle, I mean Dana, and just keep your dickless fake opinion to your fake ass. Your just pissed ’cause the biggest draw in UFC PPV history was a fake wrestler who left your sorry assed fake company.  Go fake yourself! 

Anyone else who calls wrestling “fake” will get gasoline poured down their peehole as I light a match to it. Got me? Good.

Moving on. . .

Bad News Barrett’s new promo:

“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Not only do I have this shitty tattoo on my arm, but I’ve also got Dana White’s fake dick, and a screwed up nose! But that’s still not the bad news ’cause Cena’s nose is more fucked up that mine! Bloody Hell! God save the Queen! Thank you very much!”

And now a word, or two, about John Cena’s nose:

Here is Vince McMahon’s long term plans for the WWE: Push John Cena. Think of all the great wrestlers fed to Cena just this year alone: Rusev, Dean Ambrose, Sami Zayne, Kevin Owens, and now Seth Rollins. Here’s the logic that Vince will forever use: Cena has to be protected. He’s been on top for 10 years now. He’s nearly equalled Hulk in WrestleMania main events, and he’s a 15 world champion. He’s beaten everyone from Brock Lesnar to the Rock to Shawn Michaels to Triple H and it goes on and on and on. If a guy has all THAT on his resume and still needs to be “protected” then he wasn’t worth it. There, I said it. But you just keep at it, Mr. McMahon, but how long before this “creation” turns into a “monster” like the last one did in 1993. You know who I’m talking about. The orange hobgoblin. 

And then Cena got his nose broke.

Do you know what this means? Another 10 more damn years of Cena wins. He never gives up ever. Not even when his nose got destroyed. Even when his nose is all crooked and fucked up, he yangs in there. He’ll beat Roman Reigns, then Fin Balor, and most likely down the road, the one and only Undertaker. And every superstar in between, after, before into infinity times a million. Until he can’t fucking wrestle, dies, or the WWE goes bankrupt.

Wait.

I’m starting to believe that the only way to save pro wrestling is if the WWE goes down faster than a pornstar. It’s become a viral plague. It infects and kills all the good cells. And consumes without end. I am Death. The Destroyer of the WWE Universe. Or the reverse of a WWE fanboy who wishes TNA dead.  Sad. How about we just make a John Cena vaccine and shove 200,00 ccs in Vince’s ass. I wouldn’t be shocked if Vince doesn’t have a tribute show for Cena’s nose wth that cheesy Wind Beneath My Wings song playing as we see Cena bury all talent known to mankind.

Hold on as I take my meds. . .

And the Undertaker returned at Battleground to screw us out of the match we paid $9.99. We didn’t even get a fucking finish. At all. Seth Rollins went total Houdini. Maybe he has gained the magical WCW powers of the Ultimate Warrior. Wait, no smoke. Who cares ’cause the Undertaker is back! You just got swerved! And the match was less than 10 minutes. But look WWE universe it’s the Undertaker! He’s back! And Vince is gonna give you another match between Taker and Brock. At least it ain’t another classic between Roman Reigns and the Big Show. Vince is saving that one as the big blowoff for WrestleMania. How else do you think Mr. McMahon will draw over 100,00 fans to see WrestleMania 32? Here’s a huge spoiler too: Big Show will win with a punch. Bet you didn’t see that coming now did you? Nope. Swerved, again, suckers! By the way, how is Taker/Brock a rematch when they have fought three times now.  Have those matches from 2002 been erased like any and all footage, material, and legacy of one Hulk Hogan. But your already sold on this rematch twice removed ’cause of the brawl between Taker and the Brock. Pardon me while I puke all the swerve out of me. Hang on. Looks like I’m gonna have to shit the swerve out. . .

I’ve got good word now that Vince is bound and determined to solve the Hulk Hogan problem. How? He’s gonna blow a chuck of cash on hiring Industrial Light and Magic to digitally replace the Hulkster with John Cena. How could this be possible you ask? Well, Cena discovers a time machine and goes back in time to bury Andre, Macho Man, Jake the Snake, Ultimate Warrior, and every other superstar from the 60’s on. Why? “Cause he’s the brother of the UFC faker Dina White. Swerved again! I’m sorry, Cena will do it to prove he never gives up. Ever. And he will even gain the power of invisibility so he can be in every match from now on. You just can’t see him.

I am an asshole.

And now we reach the end. I’ll miss Rowdy Roddy Piper. He was an awesome character and a likeable guy. Just don’t ask Stone Cold. I usually end these things with an inspring quote, but I’ll end this one with pure Piper:

“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. . .And I’m all out of bubblegum.”

RIP Roderick Toombs. I hope they have a lot of bubblegum in heaven. The best wrestling talent ever is sadly in heaven.

 

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